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I’ve hurt my girlfriend without knowing


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Hi all. Warning: wall of text, but it all needs to be told for you to grasp the issue. 

 

As the title says I want to start and admit that I’ve messed up, and have also done this to my (M29) girlfriend (W33). The story is as follows: 

 

My girlfriend and I have a wonderful relationship.  We have been together for two years. It is long distance but we have had the chance to stay together for months now due to Covid. I’ve told my dad that I want to marry her, and I have never been any surer on any relationships in my life. She has also been open about wanting marriage and kids soon. I’ve told my job that I want help to transfer to the country she lives in and I’m willing to give up my life in my home country to come live with her.  

 

The problem is that I have a very weird kink for what kind of porn I watch, and the last 8 years I have pulled in “shemale” (no offense intended, it is what it’s called in the porn industry) to my porn rotation and for some reason I am very turned on by it. Five years ago I went to South America and I randomly met a trans woman at a bar and we got it on, and even though I was very scared I went through to go with her home. We ended up having sex (with protection) and I realized very quickly that this is not something I particularly enjoyed - and after that I have kept it to the porn and only met girls after that. I also want to make it clear that I look at myself as a straight guy, and have never been interested in guys. 

 

Until recently, I have never told anyone about my dark secret of watching shemale porn (and I didn’t really want anyone to know because it was a very private thing that was purely a visual pornographic fantasy) , and one of my go-to sites the last 5 years has been a site where these models sit and masturbate / have sex in front of a live camera for their audience. This is something I’ve been visiting and I’ve also been writing in their live chat when I’ve been very h*rny saying stuff like “if I was there I would... “, and “I wish I was there” etc. which obeviously was only a part of the porn and not something I intended doing. A very drunk night several years ago I even managed to add a picture of myself (very stupid I know) to my profile, so that they could see how I looked like when I would come to their performances. 

 

Fast forward several years later, I am with my girlfriend and we are about to head out to meet some friends of her. I am in the shower and I come out to her room, and I suddenly feel she has totally changed. I ask her what’s wrong and she says she’s just tired, and we take an Uber to her friends. As we get drunk I feel she is being really weird so I ask her again what it is, and she takes me to a room to talk to me. What she tells me then almost wants me to jump out the window right there and then and end it all. 

 

Apparently, a previous colleague of her is a very gay guy who likes to dress up as a drag queen. This particular person has apparently been an active user on that particular site I’ve also been watching these porn models, and managed to stumble over my user in a text group chat to these models. I had a couple of months ago been masturbating to a live model trans woman and had written something (like what I’d do if I was there, without ever wanting to cheat on my gf, it makes the porn more interactive). This ex colleague had then called her to tell her this, and her world fell down around her. 

 

I realized there’s no way back now, and I’ve had to come clean and tell her that I’ve been watching shemale porn secretly for many years and also using this live cam porn site as one of my go to porn sites. I also said, which is the truth, that I havnt once watched porn when we have been together, as our sex life is WONDERFUL. 

 

My girlfriend now does not look at me the same way anyomore, she spent most of the weekend crying saying she doesn’t know if she can be with me as she thinks I will cheat on her with a shemale in the future. I’m desperately trying to tell her that this is just a porn fantasy for me, it is just a small part of me and nothing will ever change the love I have for her. And I would NEVER cheat on her. She is especially sad for me being on the live cam site because she feels I’ve basically cheated since I wrote to these models in the group chats. I can absolutely respect that she feels cheated on, and I’ve told her that this porn site has been so normalized for me as it’s “always” been my go to site, so I was blinded how someone could see it as cheating. And I’ve also promised I will never use these kinds of interactive porn sides again. 

 

I have tried to show my girlfriend evidence online that this fetish is not something that only I have and that other straight guys have it too. I know it’s not the most normal fetish to have, but I’m trying to make her understand that it’s only a visual fantasy and nothing else. 

 

Yesterday she told me she wants a break after I return home to my home country. She said she wanted to give me time to think about what I really wanted in life and if I wanted to have sex with shemales I could do that. I got so upset and I feel she is laying SO much more into this than I could ever dream of. I’m desperately trying to make her understand that I’m still the man she loves even though I also have a weird fetish. Right now I feel all she can see is a man who loves shemales - all she once loved has been eaten up by the recent news. 

 

I am feeling extremely depressed and anxious as i feel no matter what I say she doesn’t understand me. She said to me earlier that every time she looks at me she gets horrible pictures in her head about me cheating and having sexual activists with these trans girls. This breaks my heart and I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. All I want is for her to love me again and not just see this part. 

 

I know that I messed up by writing to these trans women in the group chats, and I’ve realized now after being blinded by how it got normalized for me that some can see that as being cheated on - even though it for me was just porn. 

 

I am sorry for writing such a wall of text, but it all had to be written, and I hope it made sense. I need some advice and second opinions, and maybe even to show my girlfriend so that she can have some second opinions. 

 

Thank you in advance. 

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40 minutes ago, Coffeman99 said:

Yesterday  told me she wants a break after I return home to my home country. 

You're completely incompatible. You live in different countries, there are too many obstacles 

A distance relationship allowed you to indulge your proclivities. 

You're not relationship no less marriage material for her and she knows this.

Like most addictions its gotten progressively more extreme and it's your primary relationship.

Everyone else is just a pawn to normalize and use as a prop to hide behind.

Apparently you're really into this, so that's that.

Leave her alone. You don't even live in the same country or have realistic plans.

Of course she will discuss this with her friends and family and they will rightly advise her to stay away from you, the relationship was all a lie and a sham.

 

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're completely incompatible. You live in different countries, there are too many obstacles 

A distance relationship allowed you to indulge your proclivities. 

You're not relationship no less marriage material for her and she knows this.

Like most addictions its gotten progressively more extreme and it's your primary relationship.

Everyone else is just a pawn to normalize and use as a prop to hide behind.

Apparently you're really into this, so that's that.

Leave her alone. You don't even live in the same country or have realistic plans.

Of course she will discuss this with her friends and family and they will rightly advise her to stay away from you, the relationship was all a lie and a sham.

 

I find your reply extremely judgemental and does not reflect the reality for me, and I hope there are other people out there with any more neutral reflective responses 

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Taking a break is a polite way of saying she is done . She feels cheated on , which is true. Anytime one communicates with someone for sex and pleasure or emotional support and hides it from their partner that is cheating. 
 

I don’t think there is anything that can be done once trust is lost, it is very seldom regained and if so usually not fully regained. 
 

In future with other prospective partners I would divulge the fetish before someone becomes involved so they know and can choose if they are compatible with that. 

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I watch plenty of girl on girl porn, and I'm 100% not gay, not even a little bit.  And there is 100% nothing wrong with being gay.  I know lesbians who watch guy on guy porn, and aren't into guys.  I mean, I've had boobs in my face, kissed girls, and Bleh - I'm definitely not into girls.

I used to be so embarrassed of the thought my husband knowing I like to watch punishment porn.  I have zero interest in it in real life.  When he found out, he told me, it has nothing to do with you wanting this scenario. He explains, it's just the idea of giving up control is what turns you on while watching it.  

To be frank, you like shemale porn because it's taboo.  I don't think it's a fetish, because you did it, and you didn't really care for it.  Watching versus participating are very different things.

Well, the live cam thing, that's just cheating. You were emotionally getting off with someone else.  It has nothing to do with being a she-he-they.  Anything where you are creating a real connection, whether sexual, emotional, that's cheating. It's no longer just watching.  As horrible as it sounds, I think you need to just learn from this, and learn to not treat your next relationship the same way. You kept a secret, another life for over two years, and I think that's what hurts the most.

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It would have been equally hurtful to her if it were hetero women or gay men.

I'm sorry, but your excuse that you interacted with these sex workers and posted a pic of yourself because you had "normalized" what you were doing is BS. If it was so normal to you, you would have shared it with your girlfriend.  You hid it because you knew it was wrong.

As for this relationship, I think it's over for good.

All I can say is for the future, please divulge your fantasy to your next girlfriend.  You absolutely can find someone who will be OK with this and may even be willing to share the experience with you.

 

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It's the interaction (sexually) with someone else that would be deeply hurtful. It's not just watching a type of porn.

Unfortunately although it seemed "normalized" to you to join these chat rooms or performances, it may not be for a great many people. This is just a lesson learned to be more open about your inclinations, interests, fetishes early on. I'm assuming both of you have had an opportunity to share intimate details about yourselves in the past so part of all that hurt for her is realizing also that you had ample opportunity to be open but chose not to. 

There is nothing you can do to reverse what's been done or already said. Don't keep self-flagellating. What would be the point of that? Just acknowledge this as a mistake and realize that you've hurt someone by your actions. You're hurt too. Take a step back and reflect on this for awhile. 

 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry, but your excuse that you interacted with these sex workers and posted a pic of yourself because you had "normalized" what you were doing is BS. If it was so normal to you, you would have shared it with your girlfriend.  You hid it because you knew it was wrong.

This. 

I think your relaitonship is finished, OP. In the future, be more honest with your partner and with yourself

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You definitely crossed the line big time, no doubt about that.  Your girlfriend is doing the right thing and needs to leave.  I doubt she'll ever be able to trust you and without trust, you have nothing.  You need to reveal this fetish in any new relationship so that they can make an informed decision if it's okay for them or not.

Meantime, accept that this relationship is over.

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On 5/6/2021 at 5:39 AM, Coffeman99 said:

And I would NEVER cheat on her.

I would argue that you actually have cheated on her by engaging with these models on a sexual level. Whether it's a male, female, or shemale is irrelevant. If I caught my boyfriend doing this, that would be the end of the relationship.

Unfortunately, this is not something that you can argue. It's really a question of value misalignment. You and your girlfriend have incompatible values.

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Hey whatever floats your boat....buuut it didn't float hers so she's done. Not her thing man. But whatev, there is someone for everyone as they say, and one day you will find that right kind of girl.

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On 5/6/2021 at 10:39 AM, Coffeman99 said:

I need some advice and second opinions,

You asked for advice and opinions and that is what you got, OP. 

What do you mean by "neutral responses".  The posters are giving you good advice. 

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On 5/6/2021 at 6:39 PM, Coffeman99 said:

This particular person has apparently been an active user on that particular site I’ve also been watching these porn models, and managed to stumble over my user in a text group chat to these models. I had a couple of months ago been masturbating to a live model trans woman and had written something...

I also said, which is the truth, that I haven't once watched porn when we have been together, as our sex life is WONDERFUL.

Hey Coffeman,

This seems to be somewhat contradictory. Can you clarify that you indeed used this porn site during your relationship?

Thanks,

T

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