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How to start the "what are we" talk?


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I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months (I'm 25, he's 27). Everything seems to be going great. He seems very interested, has been putting in the effort and makes me feel really good. 

I've met some of his friends and we talk and see each other often. 

I'm just nervous to bring that up? I feel it's sort of insinuated that we're dating, but I'd like confirmation but I'm nervous. This is easily the best I've ever been treated, but nervous none the less. 

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3 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

 I feel it's sort of insinuated that we're dating.

Are you dating? Are you going out on dates? Is there a sexual/romantic component?

"What are we?" Is for you to decide, not a question for him.

For example, do you want to hang out as friends? Do you want a FWB situation? Do you want sex/exclusive dating?

It's not something you place in another's hands.

It's a determination that you make by how you feel and how you act.

It's a ridiculous talk to have at any time and especially after hanging out 60 days or so.

Either you are friends, FWB, dating,etc.

All depends on how you act. If you want to be sexually exclusive,then speak up and stop having sex with him until you both agree to that.

If you want to be friends,then a heavy unnecessary relationship talk is even sillier

If you want to be FWB then hang out, have sex and don't get emotionally involved.

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You should know what kind of man he is overall after two months. If not, hold on the question. I like the wait and see approach mentioned a few times by Andrina on this forum. 

A lot of individuals date more than one person at a time while others don't. If you don't know this about him, find out.

There is no need to feel insecure or nervous. And there is also no one rule with dating. If you feel comfortable enough, bring it up. Otherwise, give more time so that you get a good understanding of who you are as people and how you both treat your dates. 

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My go-to question was: So what is your dating style? Do you like to focus on one person at a time, or do you multi-date?

You will find out from his answer if the way he likes to date matches how you like to date. And what his mindset is at the moment.

Two months in, the word "focus" is a lot less serious sounding than "exclusive" if you're not quite at that point yet.

Because yeah, if you're at minimum kissing and maybe more, you might not want to date someone who is doing this with other women, so make sure you two are on the same page with how you like to date.

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17 hours ago, Spicydicey449 said:

I'm just nervous to bring that up? I feel it's sort of insinuated that we're dating, but I'd like confirmation but I'm nervous. This is easily the best I've ever been treated, but nervous none the less. 

According to your previous thread, you've already slept with him, (no judgment intended).  With that being said, how can you be comfortable being naked with him, yet uncomfortable asking him a basic question?

Why not get that straight before going any further?

 

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Posted (edited)

Does he introduce you as his GF? If not then that's your answer for now. I think he's seeing if his friends and family approve and if you are going to fit into his life....this sort of thing takes a little more time. Be patient.

Edited by smackie9
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If you're comfortable sharing bodily fluids, risking pregnancy then yes keep it simple with no back story or drama - because if you two are on the same page it will be a quick, simple convo.  "What are your intentions towards me?" - because that won't require any explanation if he feels enthusiastic about serious potential with you he will be overjoyed you brought this up -especially if he's no longer comfortable having casual sex with you or knowing that you can keep your options open.

Also this sounds like you two haven't spoken about your feelings about a pregnancy- you should even if you are using protection.  

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Be straight up and ask. Your age range is a little too neutral...You guys are both at an age where things could be SUPER casual or SUPER serious with a potential future. He could be enjoying his 20s/he could just be enjoying your company or he could super serious. (If a long term partner is what you're looking for) Asking will keep you from wasting your time and feelings. 

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1 minute ago, rchubn said:

Be straight up and ask. Your age range is a little too neutral...You guys are both at an age where things could be SUPER casual or SUPER serious with a potential future. He could be enjoying his 20s/he could just be enjoying your company or he could super serious. (If a long term partner is what you're looking for) Asking will keep you from wasting your time and feelings. 

Also... Im around your age and people in that age group will literally have full on relationships without having the formal boyfriend/girlfriend "what are we" talk. People will literally have a sexual relationship or have children in a relationship that was never formally confirmed by both parties and once things go south there's always someone that crosses basic monogamous boundaries and using the fact that they weren't official as their excuse

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Honestly, I was in this situation with my current partner.

We'd been dating for about two and a half months, seeing each other all the time and I'd even met his family. Then it occurred to me one day when I was talking about him that I referred to him as 'my boyfriend.' So next time we were together I just blurted it out, asked if he thought we were heading towards being 'boyfriend/girlfriend' and he said as far as he was concerned we were together.

Don't overthink, just ask. Always better to know where you stand

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7 hours ago, rchubn said:

Also... Im around your age and people in that age group will literally have full on relationships without having the formal boyfriend/girlfriend "what are we" talk. People will literally have a sexual relationship or have children in a relationship that was never formally confirmed by both parties and once things go south there's always someone that crosses basic monogamous boundaries and using the fact that they weren't official as their excuse

People in all age groups do that and have been doing that forever.  She's not dating an age group.  She's dating an individual and she wants to know if they're on the same wavelength.  Of course it's terribly unfair to bring a child into an undefined relationship and to have the partner who wants to leave do an I told you so comment about how it was never defined. 

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