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Stuck and confused... need advice. 5 years in.


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10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Accepting a relationship which is 95/5 is not acceptable, unless you are unable to allow someone into your life.

Of course, its not acceptable. That's why I'm freaking and not accepting.  I also understand that things take time especially when children are involved. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, been pretty emotionally involved through this entire thing. 

 

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5 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

And wait to get pregnant until you're absolutely certain he's committed and able to meet your emotional needs.

100%  I agree with everything. Also worried that the butterflies are gone... even though I understand they don't last forever. When do you know the person is your person forever? 

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7 minutes ago, _Diasies said:

Of course, its not acceptable. That's why I'm freaking and not accepting.  I also understand that things take time especially when children are involved. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, been pretty emotionally involved through this entire thing. 

 

By accepting this scenario for 5 years, you are emotionally unavailable.  I am not trying to be hurtful, but I think that you should address why you would accept so little. The fact that you are now questioning things when he is becoming more available is telling.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, _Diasies said:

He's grateful that I treat his kids as if they are my own, I cook for them, clean after them, treat them, take care of them when they are in pain or feeling low. I do everything for them. Including give ALL of my energy to them. The scary part is, I find myself feeling some kind of way after they go back home. I find myself feeling free, relieved and at peace. 

Sorry this is happening. You feel relieved because being an unpaid nanny and sex without affection are draining. You are seeing the real him and how gruesome a future with him would be. 

Talk to trusted friends and family about having a family of your own near your family.

Take notice that in 5 years you have squandered on him there has been zero commitment to you, zero talk of engagement, marriage children etc.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 minutes ago, _Diasies said:

100%  I agree with everything. Also worried that the butterflies are gone... even though I understand they don't last forever. When do you know the person is your person forever? 

Figuring out if he can meet your emotional needs, whatever goals you decide together (monthly or something), that would make the, "in-love," feelings deepen and grow. 

You have to nurture a relationship for it to flourish... like a well-watered garden. 

If he can't make that time to nurture the relationship, it will wilt and die off.  But again, I'd talk with him about it, and set up a timeframe to see if he's able to make the changes you want, overtime.

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4 minutes ago, _Diasies said:

When do you know the person is your person forever? 

Actions speak lounder than words.  Butterflies in the stomach are a sign of nerves or nervousness. Try not to put too much store by that stuff.

 

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1 minute ago, maritalbliss86 said:

If he can't make that time to nurture the relationship, it will wilt and die off.  But again, I'd talk with him about it, and set up a timeframe to see if he's able to make the changes you want, overtime.

Thank you. You have been very helpful. 

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. You feel relieved because being an unpaid nanny and sex without affection are draining. You are seeing the real him and how gruesome a future with him would be. 

Sad but True. Thank you Wiseman. Will do. 

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Sounds to me like he's just become  more a 'friend' to you now. and you are not feeling the same anymore - more relieved, etc when all are away from you.

He is 15 yrs your senior.. and maybe this has all just fizzled out for you both.  That now you've realized this is not exactly what you want after all.

You two are travelling down different paths and his life is not for you... plus his lack of time & affection, affects you.

Is maybe time to admit to him that you do not feel the same anymore.. he can & will have to accept.. nothing lasts forever.

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1 hour ago, _Diasies said:

When do you know the person is your person forever? 

To answer your question, you will think of growing old together with a smile on your face and a warm, fuzzy feeling in your heart. The opposite would be feeling like a ton of bricks on your chest, which you alluded to when you felt free and easy when they all left after visiting you.

I don't care if it's an intact marriage or dating someone with kids. A person can have more than one priority. Of course you attend to kids needs, but an adult also has companionship needs, and can regularly hire a babysitter for a weekly date. A person can play hooky from work a few times a year for a fun day together. When I began dating my husband, his daughter was 13 and I always felt like a priority to him.

Normally kids hang out a lot with friends at that age, with sleepovers and day outings. That usually gives some free time to the adults. But with his kids, he sounds like one of those type A helicopter parents who push their kids into what the parent values. There are a minority of kids who would subject themselves to this amount of time in training daily. They probably don't even have time to relax with friends.

Five years has been plenty of time to see how he treats you, and hoping for any different in the future is a pipe dream. No, in your shoes, I wouldn't stick around for being an afterthought. I spent a year in a relationship where I was clearly not a priority and in hindsight saw that my self-worth was really poor during that time to settle for that. Good luck in moving on to a new chapter in your life if you follow through with your gut.

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I second @Andrina.

If he really loved you, you would have felt like a priority a long time ago- despite the kids.

I would consider talking to him, and if not, just ending it. You seem like a great ambitious person and you deserve a man who, much like you did to him, moves his agenda to accommodate you and makes you feel special. Cause obviously you're not getting enough of that from him.

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Posted (edited)

From someone that's been with their better half for 31 years, you know it because you work as a team, and don't feel like you are being taken for granted. Anyone can bring flowers for celebrations....it's what happens in between those times what counts.

Edited by smackie9
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Just my opinion, but those kids are old enough to be doing their own laundry and cooking. When we were 12 growing up, that's when we started doing it. Maybe it's time to cut back on the chores, and let then learn how to take care of themselves.

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