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Hello, I am new to this forum as I have been trying to find some impartial advice. I cannot afford to see a counsellor and I do not want to speak to family or friends about a such a conflicting relationship issue.

When I met my partner he always told me from the start he wasn't interested in having children. I am five years older than him and at the time it was a new relationship and this didn't seem like a problem I needed to worry about. I have always wanted to have my own children and have been open about that. He said he would probably prefer to adopt and I considered this may be a compromise in the future.

When I turned 35 and we had been married for a few years, I had a serious conversation with him about how I wanted to have kids within the next 5 years or I was worried I would not be able to. He had been giving me a new found hope that he was coming round to the idea of having children and during this conversation he said he was more open to the idea. 

2 years later and some close friends have recently had a baby and we have seen them on two occasions. After the last time we saw them, he admitted that he cannot get on board with the idea of children, our own or adoption, it is not something he ever sees himself wanting in his life.

I love him so much and want to be with him that much that I have dismissed his past admittance that he didn't want children in the hope he would mature and change his mind. However I am now 37 and I want to have children in the next few years. I can't imagine not being with him, but that would mean sacrificing having my own child. I am so conflicted, if we went our separate ways the likelihood of finding another partner who I want to have kids with in the next few years seems very unlikely and a life without a child breaks my heart. I am very conflicted and upset about what I can do.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. 

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Posted (edited)

He doesn’t have to “ mature “ . You can be entirely mature and not want children. You made a mistake In not believing when he told you in the beginning he didn’t want kids. This is not something to compromise on. 
 

If you want kids you need to divorce. 

Edited by Seraphim
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This is something you really can’t compromise on.

If he doesn’t want to have kids, being forced to have them will make him resent you and likely the child as well. If you want to have kids, being forced to not have them will make you resent your husband.

I think you probably know you should’ve taken this topic more seriously early on, but what’s done is done. 

If it were me, I’d separate, probably even divorce. I’d have my child(ren), see where life takes us, and maybe reach out to the (ex)husband in the future to see if there are any possibilities. There is no “right” or easy way forward. You just have to do what feels best, and will leave you both with the least amount of regret. Try to be understanding with each other, as neither of you are wrong and there’s no one to blame.

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27 minutes ago, Ukfemale37 said:

 I cannot afford to see a counsellor

he always told me from the start he wasn't interested in having children. 

When I turned 35 and we had been married for a few years, I had a serious conversation with him about how I wanted to have kids within the next 5 years

 I have dismissed his past admittance that he didn't want children in the hope he would mature and change his mind.

Can you have IVF with a sperm donor, not name him as the father and raise a child as a single mother, but stay married if that's your goal?

 It's unfair to hope someone "grows up" and changes when this topic was crystal clear from the start. You are changing the goal posts and therefore it's your job to figure this out.

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First of all, you knew early on he wasn't into kids- but did mention possible adopting in the future?

Now, he's saying he doesn't want any, at all.

You knew early on this was a touchy subject, but you remained & married him.

IF you do split up, you can always look to at least adopt, in time.. or you get involved with someone who already has kids, that's common.

Question is now... Can YOU accept what is?  Can you let it go and just carry on w/ out having any?

 

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You should have taken him at his word.   You have to decide what is more important for you.  

Do not ever expect people to change their minds, respect what they are telling you.

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He probably thought you would "mature" and change your mind about having children.

If you truly want children you will have to have them with someone else. There is really no other option.

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You don't need to find another husband. Find a sperm donor clinic or if so desperate, have a one night stand or a friend to oblige. You have plenty of options.

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6 hours ago, Ukfemale37 said:

Hello, I am new to this forum as I have been trying to find some impartial advice. I cannot afford to see a counsellor and I do not want to speak to family or friends about a such a conflicting relationship issue.

When I met my partner he always told me from the start he wasn't interested in having children. I am five years older than him and at the time it was a new relationship and this didn't seem like a problem I needed to worry about. I have always wanted to have my own children and have been open about that. He said he would probably prefer to adopt and I considered this may be a compromise in the future.

When I turned 35 and we had been married for a few years, I had a serious conversation with him about how I wanted to have kids within the next 5 years or I was worried I would not be able to. He had been giving me a new found hope that he was coming round to the idea of having children and during this conversation he said he was more open to the idea. 

2 years later and some close friends have recently had a baby and we have seen them on two occasions. After the last time we saw them, he admitted that he cannot get on board with the idea of children, our own or adoption, it is not something he ever sees himself wanting in his life.

I love him so much and want to be with him that much that I have dismissed his past admittance that he didn't want children in the hope he would mature and change his mind. However I am now 37 and I want to have children in the next few years. I can't imagine not being with him, but that would mean sacrificing having my own child. I am so conflicted, if we went our separate ways the likelihood of finding another partner who I want to have kids with in the next few years seems very unlikely and a life without a child breaks my heart. I am very conflicted and upset about what I can do.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years. 

Seriously heartbreaking. Would you be happy in this marriage without kids? What is his particular reasoning for not wanting children? 

If you plan to stay married, what options do you see yourself having? I ask these to hear your thoughts.

He was open to adopting but not having his own kids. Are there any known genetic risks in the family?

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Accept the fact that he does not want children and continue being married to him or only you will know within your heart if you want to remain married to him and childless.  Those are your two choices. 

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You should not have married him in hopes of him changing his mind.

Either leave him and divorce and find another guy who does want kids or learn to accept not having kids with your husband.  There aren't any other choices. 

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4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You don't need to find another husband. Find a sperm donor clinic or if so desperate, have a one night stand or a friend to oblige. You have plenty of options.

But if he doesn't want kids I'm not sure he'd be on board with having an infant or child in the home.

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But if he doesn't want kids I'm not sure he'd be on board with having an infant or child in the home.

No man who's said he doesn't want children is going to share his life with a wife who's gone and had a child via a sperm donor or one night stand. That's guaranteed acrimonious divorce.

If you know in your heart that babysitting other people's kids won't be enough then ultimately you'll have to make the decision to divorce and have a child, on your own if necessary. 

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I'm very sorry to tell you that this is a situation with no compromise. You have to make a choice. Unfortunately, some choices in life are between bad and worse. 

You need to decide what is more important to you.  Staying with this man or having kids of your own.  You cannot have both, so stop entertaining " If only this or that", because it isn't your reality and will only leave you bitter. 

What does having a child of your own represent to you?  Could you potentially fill that void with something else? Travel, hobbies, volunteering with children's organizations?  

What does your husband mean to you?  Could you see potential happiness with another man if you had a child with him?  

No one can give you the answer.   Plenty of people have happy lives and romantic and happy marriages without children.  Others need to have kids to feel fulfilled, if it's something that they always wanted. 

There's no easy choice here and my heart goes out to you.  But you have to have some honest conversations- first with yourself and then with your husband. 

Whatever you decide, please do not try to guilt your husband into wanting something he does not want.  Trust me when I tell you, that path only results in unhappiness for everyone, even if he placates you in the moment.

 

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This has got nothing to do with him being "mature".  He informed you right from the get-go that he does not want children.  He still stands by that.  You made the choice to marry him knowing this.  Now you decide you want children and expect him to roll with it and start a family which he never wanted.  That's just wrong.  Forcing someone to do something which they don't want to will only lead to resentment and that leads to everyone, (you, husband and children) being very unhappy and miserable.  It also usually leads to divorce.

I have a very close friend who wanted children but her husband never did.  He was adamant and made it clear.  She went ahead and married him anyway.  She also came to terms with not having children. They have been married for over 40 years and are extremely close and have a very strong bond.  It worked for them.

You have two choices:  1) Learn to accept it, or 2) End it and find a man who does want children.  There can be no compromises here.

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