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Girl said I was smothering her


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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If you leave it.. for a couple of weeks, I'd say it's done.

If someone ignores me for that long, that says enough.  I can understand to need to be left alone to think things through or be really busy to get things done & dealt with, BUT a true partner, who wants to try, does not ignore you for this long.

It’s been like 2 days I’m not overly worried with no contact for that length I think that’s pretty normal in a relationship. If she really wanted to end this I genuinely believe she say it but I could be wrong but I gotta give her space that’s only fair for her as I said she has university work and finals very soon she dosent need me to be badgering her. 

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If you spend time w/ friends and hobbies and have never been accused of being clingy in past relationships, then you should realize this is an incompatibility issue. She needs a lot of space, which yo

5 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If you spend time w/ friends and hobbies and have never been accused of being clingy in past relationships, then you should realize this is an incompatibility issue. She needs a lot of space, which you've had to give her, and you would rather have more regular companionship with a love interest.

Best to choose someone who shares your dating style, which she clearly doesn't. And it's always wise to look at someone's relationship history. She's never had a longterm one, has emotional baggage, and so you shouldn't have expected this would result in anything of significance.

There are other pretty, single women who you can date who won't need so much space from you like you're a toxic garbage dump and who doesn't make you feel like your foundation with her is built on sea sand versus concrete.

Relationships always require a healthy balance of time alone, time with each other, and time with friend/family/hobbies/career. This relationship lacks that balance. You don't need to hear from her on closure. Make your own closure and end what's totally not working. With what you've written, if I hadn't known this was a 7 month relationship, I would've guessed it was only a few months in the making. Seems like a very shallow connection to me that should've been leagues ahead by now.

We have so much in common though? I’m not going to start listing them all out but we get on great most of the time. She’s lovely and we bounce off eachother and conversation always flows. This is like the first proper bump in the relationship and she’s never been this distant ever. I keep saying I give her space and I don’t text her 24/7 that’s not healthy, I crossed the line at the weekend. 

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4 minutes ago, Luis89 said:

It’s been like 2 days I’m not overly worried with no contact for that length I think that’s pretty normal in a relationship. If she really wanted to end this I genuinely believe she say it but I could be wrong but I gotta give her space

Yes, I get that.. to give her space... but you mentioned 2 weeks. ( to leave it be...).

No, 2 weeks is no good.  A couple who does not communicate for 2 weeks is a HUGE problem.

I say no more than a week, at least.  

If she says nothing to you for longer, I suggest you just contact her and have your say.  That this is a long time to not even talk and you won't accept that.  That you accept this is done.. and just walk away- be done.

 

 

 

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, I get that.. to give her space... but you mentioned 2 weeks. ( to leave it be...).

No, 2 weeks is no good.  A couple who does not communicate for 2 weeks is a HUGE problem.

I say no more than a week, at least.  

If she says nothing to you for longer, I suggest you just contact her and have your say.  That this is a long time to not even talk and you won't accept that.  That you accept this is done.. and just walk away- be done.

 

 

 

Okay maybe I’ll give it to the weekend instead? I just don’t want her to feel like she can’t escape me and I’m everywhere that’s not me. Then I’ll actually feel like I’m suffocating her with messages. I really like her and I don’t want to lose her over something stupid, I’m also not angry with her just confused with how she’s choosing to deal with it. But everyone is different. 

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Posted (edited)

I think it's fine as long as you don't repeat it again. Seems she was just trying to help you out by saying what was bothering her. In the meantime, just give her the space she needs by waiting for her to contact you first and then go from there...

But I know what you mean about being confused about her reaction. If there was a very attractive woman who sent me nice pics and then was a bit sad and asked why I didn't reply, I would have just re-assured her I care etc. Out of a scale from 1-10 that would bother me at a zero. Only if she was yelling or blowing up my phone would I mind...meh everyone is different I guess..

Edited by mical
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21 minutes ago, Luis89 said:

Hopefully but I don’t think she has. I’ve no problem giving her space that’s not an issue. If she wanted to end things I just want to air things out then go out separate ways instead of just stopping one day. If you understand?

Let's not jump to conclusions about her wanting to end things. Right now, all we know is she needs space. That's it. Maybe she's having to deal with some other stuff.

When she replies back, you want to give an upbeat and positive vibe. Positive energy is attractive and contagious. 🙂

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2 minutes ago, greendots said:

Let's not jump to conclusions about her wanting to end things. Right now, all we know is she needs space. That's it. Maybe she's having to deal with some other stuff.

When she replies back, you want to give an upbeat and positive vibe. Positive energy is attractive and contagious. 🙂

Thank you for the upbeat response. I hope she replies whenever that is I hate knowing I’ve done something to her. I’ll stay positive dont worry. It’s hard to go from such a go place to zero communication in 2 days. 

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6 minutes ago, mical said:

I think it's fine as long as you don't repeat it again. Seems she was just trying to help you out by saying what was bothering her. In the meantime, just give her the space she needs by waiting for her to contact you first and then go from there...

What do I do if a week passes and she dosent reply? Should I just text her as normal or just wait for her. I just want this to blow over now and completely forget about it. 

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You already sent her the last message, so I definitely wouldn't contact again until she replies. I really believe she will though since you guys have history together. Even if it takes 2 weeks, just wait and when she does reply just be positive like nothing happened and carry on as usual.

 

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9 minutes ago, Luis89 said:

What do I do if a week passes and she dosent reply? Should I just text her as normal or just wait for her. I just want this to blow over now and completely forget about it. 

Do not reach out!

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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Is this a fulfilling relationship?      Do you feel that it is reciprocal?

Yes this is the first argument we’ve properly had. I’m just struggling to understand how distant she has become in a matter of days. She can stubborn and she’d rather not talk if she thinks it’ll be an argument. When you go from free flowing conversation and happiness to absolutely nothing it hurts. 

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6 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Do not reach out!

I’m scared that if it goes to long it’ll be over but if I text too soon she’ll block me. It’s easier to ignore someone rather than talk. 

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Posted (edited)
16 minutes ago, Luis89 said:

I’m scared that if it goes to long it’ll be over but if I text too soon she’ll block me. It’s easier to ignore someone rather than talk. 

Okay, so you are okay with this?  Being ignored? I'd accept for a little while, but not 2 weeks.  Hope she doesn't be like that!

It's been a couple of days.  you know she's a little upset & busy, so just don't pressure her anymore.

If it does go for as long as 2 weeks and you fear it is over, you won't know, unless you two talk again and get things sorted out.

And, to block your Bf?  wth 😕 ... This, i would not accept. That's cruel ( unless she is correct you're over-doing it, but you said, all has been okay, until now).

Either way, reacting by blocking is not right.

To avoid someone for the amt of 2 weeks, is wrong as well... We'll see, in time, if she lets it go that long..or not.

Edited by SooSad33
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I disagree that if a partner waited one or two weeks without replying that you should act upbeat. That's acting like a doormat who will accept this unacceptable treatment. If a person can't properly communicate and iron out issues, going days using the silent treatment, they can't be a healthy partner. Basically they don't care, aren't as into you as you are into them, or have too many mental issues to be a good partner.

If you have a pattern of choosing emotionally distant women, take a look at your own self worth. Maybe it needs boosting. I have a feeling your positive outlook until now has been your hopeful thinking and has been one-sided enthusiasm.

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so you are okay with this?  Being ignored? I'd accept for a little while, but not 2 weeks.  Hope she doesn't be like that!

It's been a couple of days.  you know she's a little upset & busy, so just don't pressure her anymore.

If it does go for as long as 2 weeks and you fear it is over, you won't know, unless you two talk again and get things sorted out.

But, to avoid someone for the amt of 2 weeks, is wrong. We'll see, in time, if she lets it go that long..or not.

I’m not saying I’m gonna wait 2 weeks for her to reply that’s just ignorant. 
I can accept a few days even until the weekend. I’d just like to clear the air and if that’s it so be it, I’ll move on to someone better. 
I hope she isn’t this immature because that’s a complete turn off and I get she’s upset hopefully with a few days of no contact she’ll be calm enough to talk about it. 

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3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

I disagree that if a partner waited one or two weeks without replying that you should act upbeat. That's acting like a doormat who will accept this unacceptable treatment. If a person can't properly communicate and iron out issues, going days using the silent treatment, they can't be a healthy partner. Basically they don't care, aren't as into you as you are into them, or have too many mental issues to be a good partner.

If you have a pattern of choosing emotionally distant women, take a look at your own self worth. Maybe it needs boosting. I have a feeling your positive outlook until now has been your hopeful thinking and has been one-sided enthusiasm.

Believe me I wouldn’t act upbeat I’d actually be very annoyed if it takes her that long. Do you think her never having a relationship is effecting her and she just dosent know how to communicate her feelings or is scared she’ll hurt me? 
She’s told me stories about cutting ppl out of her life completely then taking them back that’s not what I want. 
I feel I can air things out while she can’t and this to me is an issue on her part. 

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28 minutes ago, Luis89 said:

Yes this is the first argument we’ve properly had. I’m just struggling to understand how distant she has become in a matter of days. She can stubborn and she’d rather not talk if she thinks it’ll be an argument. When you go from free flowing conversation and happiness to absolutely nothing it hurts. 

I am speaking of the entire relationship?

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25 minutes ago, Luis89 said:

Do you think her never having a relationship is effecting her and she just dosent know how to communicate her feelings or is scared she’ll hurt me? 
She’s told me stories about cutting ppl out of her life completely then taking them back that’s not what I want. 

Answers to your questions don't matter in the long run. The reasons are irrelevant. Take a person at face value. She's showing you how she behaves, that it's not conducive to being in a healthy relationship, and that's all you need to know. It's not your job to delve into her psyche.

She warned you about how she operates. You were taken in by her beauty and overlooked her warnings and her lack of any successful relationship to date.

You are young and this is a good life experience for you. Even though it's upsetting, it's teaching you who you don't want as a partner. Most of us have to experience many partners over time until we've gained the wisdom and dating experiences to choose wisely, and recognize red flags sooner to end relationships that are unsatisfactory.

I made numerous mistakes myself when dating. After all the bad, when I finally got a keeper, it made me appreciate him all the more.

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1 hour ago, Luis89 said:

I’m scared that if it goes to long it’ll be over but if I text too soon she’ll block me. It’s easier to ignore someone rather than talk. 

The ball is in her court.  Wait if/when she reaches out. "Smothering" was already complained about, so why do it even more so? Relax. 

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You come across as a very insecure, anxious, needy guy.

That's going to turn off most women. This is a problem with you, nothing to do with her or any other woman you are involved with.

Figure it out and find independence and security within yourself or see a therapist and have them help you find it.

For now, and for her just leave her alone. She knows where to find you. If you never hear from her then you learned a hard lesson that hopefully will reshape how you approach the next one.

 

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I wouldn't go no contact until her birthday because this type of behavior screams "mind games" and being too extreme. 

Start by backing off, giving her space and if you text or chat, make it nice, brief and infrequent.  Actions speak louder than words.  Prove to her that you know how to behave graciously and properly.  In other words, CHANGE for the better and CHANGE permanently.  Become a better person.  Start doing this NOW.

If I were you, I would apologize to her and keep it brief.  Preferably apologize in person or at least with a brief phone chat.  Apologizing with a text is good, too.  However, make sure you at least apologize in person or on the phone.  Make sure you are sincere and prove to her with your actions that you will not bombard her electronically anymore.  Don't check up on her day and night.  No one likes that because you are perceived as a parasite or a leech. 

Keep your interactions brief, nice and infrequent.  No one wants to be with a clingy, insecure person.

Relationships require that you have your own life outside the relationship.  This is whether you focus on your job, health, fitness, diet, hobbies, interests, down time and having your own life.  This not only makes you more interesting but it also gives you healthy space with her and other people in general.  Having your own life makes you a happier person within your own skin. 

No one enjoys feeling smothered.  Respect other people's lives and whatever they do outside their relationship with you.

The secret to having an enduring relationship (and I've been married for a long time) is mystery.  Don't make yourself too conveniently available to others.  You can still have great relationships (in other cases ~ friendships or marriage) while still maintaining your individual daily life. 

I've learned that it's not good to be obsessed with other people otherwise they will push you away and you will feel alienated.  Also, being obsessed with others causes you to neglect taking care of yourself.  Preoccupy yourself with your own industriousness whatever it may be and then divide your time with her or others AFTER that; not the other way around.  You can still prioritize her or others in your life while taking good care of yourself. 

Don't be offended.  These lessons teach you how to treat others with respect and consideration.  You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration as well.  Everyone or most people want enforced healthy boundaries. 

There is a learning curve to relationships, friendships and in other cases, marriage.  Consistent, gracious respect, empathy and kindness are required otherwise relationships will flounder and fail.  If you want an enduring, happy relationship, treat others with respect.  Google "emotional intelligence" to give you some insight. 

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11 hours ago, Luis89 said:

on Sunday I bombarded her with snaps out of the blue

I don't know, man.  This would have driven me crazy if I'd already explained I felt smothered.

Please understand "You're smothering me" or "I need space" doesn't mean "Please bombard me with 'snaps' and messages".

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, Andrina said:

I disagree that if a partner waited one or two weeks without replying that you should act upbeat. That's acting like a doormat who will accept this unacceptable treatment.

Definitely agree with you! However, if it's only been a few days I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. In any case, it's more about not moping around waiting for the other person to contact you. 🙂

 

Luis, for the time being I'd recommend that you wait and focus on other things. Let's not jump to conclusions about what might or might not happen.

Withdrawing seems to be the way your girlfriend deals with conflict. Evidently her way of handling conflict doesn't sit well with you, so you might want to calmly speak to her about it (face-to-face) next time you see her.

Edited by greendots
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