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Options for rebuilding trust other than giving up your passwords


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Posted (edited)

I'll start off by saying thank you. I may not know any of you personally - but many on this forum have been a godsend to me in my darkest hours.

I have a lot of weaknesses that leave me vulnerable to abuse and naïve to the abuser's behaviour.

There is so much love from all of the posters on here - I truly cannot show you my gratitude. 

I digress:

Anyways - 

2 weekends ago - my ex and I had a conversation. *side note* He is on again/off again with me (we were talking daily for months until March 2020). Suddenly - he stopped talking to me specifically (not his girl friends, his new friends, his land lady etc). He'll contact me once every 1 - 2 weeks now. 

Me: I told him I came to the realization (thanks to my therapist) that the reason why I was so frustrated with his hot/cold behaviour is because, in my mind, I wanted a relationship. I was acting like we were a couple and he should be caring for me the same way I care for him. (texting to say hi/email to say good night etc). 

note: I do not text/email/call him incessantly. I may have done it once or twice a day. Wished him a good night. And told him I loved him (he reiterated he wanted to hear that from me as part of me being vulnerable to him)

He, on the other hand, doesn't think we're in a relationship - and so he doesn't think about me.

Him: His words in response to my realization: "EXACTLY!"

Suddenly, he said the only way he'll really feel like getting back together is if I give him all of my passwords to everything (Bank, credit card, social media, email etc) and that I sell my house. He said there's no guarantees of anything though. I said - not yet. I said I'm definitely fine to share passwords etc down the road, but not at this moment. I suggest alternatives - I make the move from my location to live with him for a long period of time, him and I go to couples counselling together, we read books on relationships together. We do things together to build our bonds. He is wishy washy now.

So - I understood from that moment that I kept this charade going. He contacted ME after his ex dumped him in Jan 2020. I thought that signaled his desire for a relationship. I was wrong.

I stopped emailing/texting/trying after that. I was beginning to heal. I didn't care about him anymore. I knew it was over.

He then messages me a week later wanting to talk about his decision to upgrade his education etc and needed to bounce ideas off of me.

He was really eager to speak with me.

I caved.

He told me over the phone - there's so many reasons I can't talk to you/text you/email you over the week. I'm busy, I'm stressed, I'm this or that.

After 2 days of phone convos - he ghosts me again.

I feel used. I feel dirty. And now, I feel discarded and I'm in pain.

I want to email him and say:

  • I can't continue this anymore.
  • I want a relationship.
  • I need you to tell me you want a relationship too and that we'll work on everything together.
  • If you don't want a relationship with me, then we can never speak again. I need to heal and find someone who will love me for my gifts and want to spend their time with me.

Any advice is appreciated.

I'm also going to include one of my last emails to my ex - and his response. 

Quote

 

My last attempt at a boundaries email (and his response) below:

Boy - it's been a long couple of days of intense, internal realizations.

I'm beginning to come around to things.

I'll try this once more:

This intermittent positive reinforcement isn't okay for me.

Daily interactions (an email to say hi, to check in on me, to care about how I'm doing etc) are needed to nourish my spirit and nurture a relationship (which is what I want). 

I had hoped given your intense life/work and friendship schedule a single email or text was a compromise between speaking on the phone all the time and silence. Of course - the type of inclusive convos we had prior to your move to ____________ is what I'm looking for as well. 

If my request is too much - no worries. Take more time for yourself and those you love and care about. Invest in the individuals who bring you joy and who you think are worth your while. 

I'll just throw this out there, on the slim chance it's desired:

I have time for a very quick loving conversation around 1:30 pm +/- 15 mins today (I might go for a run beforehand) or perhaps late into this pm or 9 am tomorrow for a bit.

Otherwise, it's all good. 

His response (but  he tells me later that he's still got loads of time to chat with strangers, his friend (female) in ______________, his landlady etc etc):

It's been a tremendously rough day on multiple fronts.  I fear the emotional load of relationship-related conversations because I don't feel that I can provide any consolation or comfort, and I feel that my emotional/empathy gas tank is running on fumes.  I need some space to hopefully recharge, if possible, and to avoid a downward spiral.

 

 

Edited by teeEFc
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Just a quick question for everyone.

My ex and I have had trust issues in the past. I have betrayed his trust - and he has betrayed mine (he won't admit to his betrayal....but that's besides the point).

Anyways - my ex has suggested that the best way for him to trust me again is to give up all of my passwords to him (and potentially sell my place of residence) in the hope that we'd get back together.

I don't think this is a good idea for a variety of reasons. Especially right now.

He said he'd be open to a 'better' idea - but the only time I've seen him really get excited is when we're talking about him having access to all of my stuff (Credit cards, banking, emails, social media etc).

I just think it's a band-aid solution. And then what does he want to do with all of those passwords? Will he snoop? What is the point?

What are some healthier options to rebuild trust.

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No, no, no.

He wants access to your banking info and credit cards?  That's a h*ll no!

In your other thread you said you regret letting this toxic person back into your life.  Are you considering yet another reconciliation?  Why, if you yourself define him as "toxic"?

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I'd rather be alone than have someone like this in my life!  Give up passwords and info for credit cards etc plus sell your house????????  You'd be a complete fool to do any of those things.  Why would you even think of doing this?

Tell him to hit the road.  You should never give up passwords or banking info anyone.  If he steals your money or whatever, you get nothing because you stupidly gave him access to your money!

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Access to passwords =control.

Some access is needed (ie, a married couple share passwords to the kids report card information website or online bill paying) but a boyfriend or girlfriend should never have your social media, banking, etc, passwords.

If you both betrayed eachother's trust, its time to break up, work on yourself so with the next boyfriend, you work through your issues instead of cheating on him or be honest and break it off if you want something else.

RUN don't walk away from this guy.

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34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

No, no, no.

He wants access to your banking info and credit cards?  That's a h*ll no!

In your other thread you said you regret letting this toxic person back into your life.  Are you considering yet another reconciliation?  Why, if you yourself define him as "toxic"?

Boltrun - it's people like you who are amazing. Please know that. You are doing good work. I hope karma is kind to you. 

I should have listened to you back in the days.

Honestly - I was considering another reconciliation. I was totally okay - and then for some strange reason - after speaking with him the feelings of guilt, regret etc came flooding back. He just made me feel so bad about not giving him access to all of my stuff. He said if I *really* wanted to make a sincere effort to be with him and re-establish trust - then I should have no qualms about giving up everything to him. It's basically he wants me to completely bare myself before he can trust me.

So - I feel bad that I don't want to do this. Like I'm betraying him somehow that I am not a good person etc

But - I re-read what folks like you said to me in Sept of last year. I think I need to stay away.

 

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23 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

I'd rather be alone than have someone like this in my life!  Give up passwords and info for credit cards etc plus sell your house????????  You'd be a complete fool to do any of those things.  Why would you even think of doing this?

Tell him to hit the road.  You should never give up passwords or banking info anyone.  If he steals your money or whatever, you get nothing because you stupidly gave him access to your money!

Yup. This is what I'm worried about.

I even told him we could start with a joint account - we could each put money in together. I said we could have a shared cc down the line.

I said if we were an established couple - yes he could have access to more things in my life. 

Right now - I could certainly give him access to my social media accounts etc. Even then, he could smear me if he really wanted to, but the risks are a bit lower.

The only thing is that I have loads of conversations with my girlfriends about my issues with him, helping my girlfriends through their relationship issues etc. I don't think it's right to give him access to private conversations like that.

His answer to this

Quote

Well - then you don't trust me - and this is your issue/problem and this is why we can't be together. It's your fault.

He said he's willing to do other things that are equal or BETTER to giving up my passwords. I said I've been trying to do all of those things (including spending time with him, spending my money on him, staying up late into the night with him, being willing to give up all of my time, energy and emotion for him, telling him I love him etc etc).

Anyways - thanks very much for your kind response. I appreciate your time and energy.

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4 minutes ago, teeEFc said:

Boltrun - it's people like you who are amazing. Please know that. You are doing good work. I hope karma is kind to you. 

I should have listened to you back in the days.

Honestly - I was considering another reconciliation. I was totally okay - and then for some strange reason - after speaking with him the feelings of guilt, regret etc came flooding back. He just made me feel so bad about not giving him access to all of my stuff. He said if I *really* wanted to make a sincere effort to be with him and re-establish trust - then I should have no qualms about giving up everything to him. It's basically he wants me to completely bare myself before he can trust me.

So - I feel bad that I don't want to do this. Like I'm betraying him somehow that I am not a good person etc

But - I re-read what folks like you said to me in Sept of last year. I think I need to stay away.

 

How is putting up with this being a "good person". Its being a passive doormat is what it is.  You both broke eachother's trust - the ship has sailed on this relationship. Because if you comply and give all your passwords he will come up with some other measure of how he still doesn't trust you and needs you to do something that is even higher stakes to "win his trust" and the bar will be raised higher and higher

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9 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

How is putting up with this being a "good person". Its being a passive doormat is what it is.  You both broke eachother's trust - the ship has sailed on this relationship. Because if you comply and give all your passwords he will come up with some other measure of how he still doesn't trust you and needs you to do something that is even higher stakes to "win his trust" and the bar will be raised higher and higher

You are right. I think the moment he told me to sell my house, give up my job and move to be with him (And he said that it was still only a maybe) - that's when I started to realize that the stakes would keep being raised. The selling of my house was a new one. I told him maybe down the line - but that keeping my place would be beneficial for us in the long run. He got very upset at me and said I'm not devoted enough.

I just want to try my best to correct my mistakes of the past. I am willing to take some heat and deal with some of his issues. He told me that I need to deal with his 'coldness' until he's decided I'm worthy of being in a relationship with him again. I guess that's where my guilt comes in. 

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2 minutes ago, teeEFc said:

I am willing to take some heat and deal with some of his issues. He told me that I need to deal with his 'coldness' until he's decided I'm worthy of being in a relationship with him again.

Please tell me you aren't seriously considering this!

Why on Earth?

If you are doing fine when you're not talking to him...why talk to him?

I mean, it's certainly within your rights to give up everything for someone who obviously doesn't love you.  But you know what you'd be signing up for and you cannot complain once it all goes bad again, or doesn't work out the way you imagine it will.

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3 minutes ago, teeEFc said:

You are right. I think the moment he told me to sell my house, give up my job and move to be with him (And he said that it was still only a maybe) - that's when I started to realize that the stakes would keep being raised. The selling of my house was a new one. I told him maybe down the line - but that keeping my place would be beneficial for us in the long run. He got very upset at me and said I'm not devoted enough.

I just want to try my best to correct my mistakes of the past. I am willing to take some heat and deal with some of his issues. He told me that I need to deal with his 'coldness' until he's decided I'm worthy of being in a relationship with him again. I guess that's where my guilt comes in. 

What about him is so great -- greater than any other man on the planet - that causes you to want to give up everything you are as a person?  Deal with his coldness by changing the locks on your house's doors, if he ever had a key, and ending the relationship. He wants you to have nothing of your own so he can abuse you.

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9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please tell me you aren't seriously considering this!

Why on Earth?

If you are doing fine when you're not talking to him...why talk to him?

I mean, it's certainly within your rights to give up everything for someone who obviously doesn't love you.  But you know what you'd be signing up for and you cannot complain once it all goes bad again, or doesn't work out the way you imagine it will.

Yup.

I believe this has to come to an end. 
I guess I just have so much doubt and insecurity over my own reality that it's really nice to have everyone else's perspective on here. Like I said - I keep thinking it's my fault he doesn't love me. But - I need to remember it's not just me here and I've tried my best. 

I need to separate from this and not look back.

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12 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

What about him is so great -- greater than any other man on the planet - that causes you to want to give up everything you are as a person?  Deal with his coldness by changing the locks on your house's doors, if he ever had a key, and ending the relationship. He wants you to have nothing of your own so he can abuse you.

You know - a year ago I would not have been in a good headspace to accept this end. I would keep thinking *if only* and *but he's so great and I'm garbage*.

I've been doing a ton of soul searching, reading etc

But - I think listening to ppl on this forum today helps solidify my resolve to get away from this guy. He's not that great. 

I can see now what you're talking about - once I've got nothing left - he is in full control of me and he'll know it. I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't love me. Why do this to someone?

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1 hour ago, teeEFc said:

He just made me feel so bad about not giving him access to all of my stuff. He said if I *really* wanted to make a sincere effort to be with him and re-establish trust - then I should have no qualms about giving up everything to him

Ahh. No.

He either trusts you.. or he doesn't.  Vice- versa.

If the trust is broken between you's now, don't expect it to return any time soon 😕 .

I dated guys for as long as 5 yrs.. and never had access to anything of theirs!  Nor did they for me.

BTW, you said your 'ex'... so this is what he is?  Maybe leave it at that? 

 

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1 hour ago, teeEFc said:

once I've got nothing left - he is in full control of me and he'll know it. I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't love me. Why do this to someone?

- because he is trying to control all you do. 

Not sure how long you two were together... but you two had your trust affected.  Maybe think again on this one - as mentioned, you had called 'toxic'.

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1 hour ago, teeEFc said:

You know - a year ago I would not have been in a good headspace to accept this end. I would keep thinking *if only* and *but he's so great and I'm garbage*.

I've been doing a ton of soul searching, reading etc

But - I think listening to ppl on this forum today helps solidify my resolve to get away from this guy. He's not that great. 

I can see now what you're talking about - once I've got nothing left - he is in full control of me and he'll know it. I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't love me. Why do this to someone?

Because he's an abuser and abusers enjoy inflicting pain. Watching you cry, hearing you beg and declare your love for him no matter how poorly he treats you and no matter what ridiculous demands he makes...all of that is like a drug to men like him.

Question is...what's in it for you?

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This man is abusive, full-stop. 

Do not give him any of your passwords. Do not sell your house. Do not even speak to him again. 

Do book yourself an appointment with a good therapist. Print out this thread (and your others) and take it to your appointment. You're in dire need of some compassionate and professional guidance, as your absence of self-worth is leading you to make some poor choices about who you let into your life. 

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It's sad you won't let go of someone who you call "an abuser". Sadder yet is that you keep chasing him after he ends it.

Is this a BDSM situation?

Either it's abusive, you end it and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps... Or you chase him down for more bad treatment.

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8 hours ago, teeEFc said:

 - my ex has suggested that the best way for him to trust me again is to give up all of my passwords to him (and potentially sell my place of residence)

I hope you are kidding. 

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7 hours ago, teeEFc said:

You know - a year ago I would not have been in a good headspace to accept this end. I would keep thinking *if only* and *but he's so great and I'm garbage*.

I've been doing a ton of soul searching, reading etc

But - I think listening to ppl on this forum today helps solidify my resolve to get away from this guy. He's not that great. 

I can see now what you're talking about - once I've got nothing left - he is in full control of me and he'll know it. I just don't understand why he would bother if he doesn't love me. Why do this to someone?

I think it's great that you've come to a point where you can see this issue from a whole new (healthier!!) perspective. Keep up the good work. You're heading in the right direction!

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I responded on your other thread, too.

9 hours ago, teeEFc said:

This intermittent positive reinforcement isn't okay for me.

Statements like this will never compel another person to start loving you properly. This is a call-to-arms to yourself to set boundaries, cut dead weight (like this sorry state of a man), and get what you want out of life.

Only you can do it. Don't wait around for anyone to do it for you!

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9 hours ago, teeEFc said:

He told me that I need to deal with his 'coldness' until he's decided I'm worthy of being in a relationship with him again.

OP.  I cannot believe I am reading this.

 

4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're in dire need of some compassionate and professional guidance, as your absence of self-worth is leading you to make some poor choices about who you let into your life. 

Please take Ms. C's advice.  

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