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My boyfriend and I were having an argument over something incredibly small. I’ve been really struggling lately with mental health and am currently in therapy, but my therapist has been on long term leave for almost a month so I haven’t been able to see her since I’ve started drastically going downhill (just before anyone suggests therapy). This has been perpetuated by a lot of stress financially as I’m now struggling to pay my rent (we do not live together) and am failing school for my dream career. I am absolutely not using any of this as an excuse for my behavior, it’s just to provide some context for my current mental state and a possible reason for why I was so easily set off tonight. I haven’t spoken to him about hardly any of this, when I used to tell him everything, because I’m ashamed and embarrassed. He’s also been so happy lately and I love seeing him like this so it’s been incredibly hard to find a time to bring it up without feeling like I’m killing the mood - he still does not know the extent to which I’ve been suffering lately. 
That being said, I was on the precipice of a breakdown and completely lost it for a brief second and said “I hate you” in the heat of moment. I immediately regretted it but he didn’t seem phased whatsoever until later on. He was comforting me while I was sobbing because I realised how off the rails Ive  been getting and then he said he remembered that I said that and he didn’t even want to touch me anymore. He said he feels betrayed, hurt, and like it doesn’t mean anything when I say ‘I love you’ anymore. He says he doesn’t know if he can be with someone who hates him, even though I know I did not mean it at all. It was incredibly immature and impulsive of me and I did not realise how hurtful it would be to him. Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve ever been with anyone who’s loved me enough to be hurt by those words before. His reaction was not at all what I was used to. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting or what I wanted out of it, but I can tell you that I was clearly not thinking straight when it happened.
I feel absolutely gutted and don’t want this to break us. I understand completely why he’s feeling this way, I did not expect it to be so hurtful. He told me I could have called him any name under the sun and it would’ve been less hurtful. Name calling was always designed to hurt more in my house growing up, “I hate you” has been very desensitised for me. Hence why I didn’t call him names and resorted straight to the latter. Obviously I understand now that it holds much more weight to him than it did me and would never say that to him again, but he is now questioning our entire relationship because I made a mistake (albeit a very hurtful one) when I was angry. What can i do to make it up to him? I want him to believe I love him and for him to know that I did not mean what I said. 

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To also provide some more context, we have obviously never had an argument that has escalated this badly before and have never spoken about breaking up. He said he still wanted me to stay with him tonight and he’d see how he felt about it tomorrow, so I’m somewhat hopeful that this isn’t the end of us. Regardless of whether he decides to stay, I still want to make it up to him and understand that I have probably broken his trust quite badly. I’m only wondering how to mend the damage I’ve done IF he decides to stay with me. I don’t want to force him to be with me if he doesn’t, I just want advice for how to handle it if he does. 

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Posted (edited)
15 minutes ago, seeking guidance said:

 but my therapist has been on long term leave for almost a month so I haven’t been able to see her .

 I was on the precipice of a breakdown and completely lost it for a brief second and said “I hate you” in the heat of moment. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Have you been to social services for help with food, housing, tuition, as well as medical and mental health care?

 You shouldn't be losing it this bad because your therapist is on vacation. Get to a doctor for medical treatment and a referral to a qualified available therapist for ongoing support.

 Do you have friends/family you can stay with? If you are on the "precipice of a breakdown", call a suicide or mental health hotline or go to an ER for an immediate evaluation.

 Stay out of relationships until your health, life, finances etc. are stable and under control. 

 A BF is not a therapist or a punching bag. 

Read the book : "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". By Jerold J. Kreisman M.D.

Edited by Wiseman2
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18 minutes ago, seeking guidance said:

What can i do to make it up to him? I want him to believe I love him and for him to know that I did not mean what I said. 

You already sound quite beaten up and guilty about this so stop for a moment and don't keep going down this spiral. He told you it hurt him and you've acknowledged it. Now you step back and stop lashing at yourself. There is nothing you can do to take back hurtful words or take back time. 

Start moving forwards from this. Do not overdo it and start making it up to him. Whether he loves you back is of his own volition and his choice. Go easy on yourself and just let this go. 

I'm sorry to hear about the schoolwork and things with work. Start doing more of what you love, come back to the schoolwork later. Have you talked with your school counsellors on what to do or any options? 

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I think you need to explain to him what you've explained here very well - in your family growing up, name calling is taboo but saying I hate you is not really literal, but rather an expression of frustration that is acceptable and not taken seriously. 

Conflict happens in relationships. Resolving conflict isn't always just about apologies or groveling for forgiveness, it's about being able to communicate and see each other's point of view. So you already understand his perspective but he equally needs to understand yours. Whether he can or is willing to do so is up to him. You can't control that part.

I would communicate the above and stop beating yourself up over it. If he ends things over this, then quite frankly he is showing you his not so pretty side - inability to see and understand other perspectives and cultures, even if it's just family or upbringing type.

As for school, please talk to your counselor or program director on what you can do in terms of damage control - retake the classes, etc. Things happen and usually there are rules and ways to get back on track without issues.

If your therapist being gone for just 30 days is creating so much havoc, I kind of think that you need to get evaluated and treated by someone else. It sounds like you've grown a dependence on their support when the goal of therapy should be your growth and independence in that you become stronger and able to handle life without needing therapy that much or at all. Something to consider.

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I agree.. you were 'venting' and lost it with him.

You know the saying... " fine line between love & hate'... We often vent out at those closest to us.

So, sounds like he's been hurt by such words from you.

As mentioned, there are other ways to seek some help... and maybe being in a relationship isn't the best for you at this time.

Maybe you should just back away from all of that and remain more focussed on YOU.  To work through all you are dealing with. As, relationships takes energy & expectations.

We are human, we have emotions and now with how you have reacted to him, is most likely making you even more hurt/angry with yourself?

yeah, just explain to him it was a moment of hurt/anger and you surely did not mean what was said, but you were venting out in the wrong way.

Maybe see about other ways of support - to help you out. If it's financial stress and you are feeling overwhelmed, any way family can assist?

Sometimes, when we feel at our breaking point, we need to try & calm down & take a look from a distance at all going on - that maybe we can't handle all that's being thrown at us 😕 .

Any way you can or should change some things?  To what you feel will be less stressful & that you can handle..

Deep breathes.... calm down a bit, before you go see him.

And do some thinking on where you're at. .. TC ❤️ 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? Have you been to social services for help with food, housing, tuition, as well as medical and mental health care?

We have been officially dating for only a few months but he’s been in my life for over 6 years. We’ve loved each other almost the entire time but couldn’t be together for external reasons. I have always struggled with mental health, as has he, but I do not want to lose him as a result of my outbursts. I am currently receiving support from the government and looking for a job, but im studying full time and am not considered financially independent from my parents until I’m 22 (Australian law). I have been staying at his house a few nights a week and his parents (whom I’ve also known for over 6 years) generously provide dinners for me. 
 

As for calling emergency services for my mental health, I am quite embarrassed by the thought of it and feel like it would bring a lot of shame to everyone around me, including myself. Though I know my boyfriend would not be ashamed of me, I think I want to appear strong and capable of handling life on my own, and I worry what his friends and family would think of me (I’m pretty terrified of the crazy girlfriend stigma). I also just don’t want people to feel the need to check up on me or keep tabs on me. I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘responsibility’. 
Thank you for the response and recommendation, I will definitely give it a read. 

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12 hours ago, seeking guidance said:

We have been officially dating for only a few months but he’s been in my life for over 6 years. We’ve loved each other almost the entire time but couldn’t be together for external reasons. I have always struggled with mental health, as has he, but I do not want to lose him as a result of my outbursts. I am currently receiving support from the government and looking for a job, but im studying full time and am not considered financially independent from my parents until I’m 22 (Australian law). I have been staying at his house a few nights a week and his parents (whom I’ve also known for over 6 years) generously provide dinners for me. 
 

As for calling emergency services for my mental health, I am quite embarrassed by the thought of it and feel like it would bring a lot of shame to everyone around me, including myself. Though I know my boyfriend would not be ashamed of me, I think I want to appear strong and capable of handling life on my own, and I worry what his friends and family would think of me (I’m pretty terrified of the crazy girlfriend stigma). I also just don’t want people to feel the need to check up on me or keep tabs on me. I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘responsibility’. 
Thank you for the response and recommendation, I will definitely give it a read. 

The thing is would you rather try and help yourself or lose people in your life ? 

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13 hours ago, seeking guidance said:

We have been officially dating for only a few months but he’s been in my life for over 6 years. We’ve loved each other almost the entire time but couldn’t be together for external reasons. I have always struggled with mental health, as has he, but I do not want to lose him as a result of my outbursts. I am currently receiving support from the government and looking for a job, but im studying full time and am not considered financially independent from my parents until I’m 22 (Australian law). I have been staying at his house a few nights a week and his parents (whom I’ve also known for over 6 years) generously provide dinners for me. 
 

As for calling emergency services for my mental health, I am quite embarrassed by the thought of it and feel like it would bring a lot of shame to everyone around me, including myself. Though I know my boyfriend would not be ashamed of me, I think I want to appear strong and capable of handling life on my own, and I worry what his friends and family would think of me (I’m pretty terrified of the crazy girlfriend stigma). I also just don’t want people to feel the need to check up on me or keep tabs on me. I don’t want to be anyone’s ‘responsibility’. 
Thank you for the response and recommendation, I will definitely give it a read. 

Ok. Just stop staying at his parents place and accepting thier hospitality and free meals.

After telling someone "I hate you", don't expect them to keep hosting and feeding you.

It's irrelevant how "normal" verbal abuse is to you.

The important thing is to get your moods and finances and living situation stabilized.

His family doesn't need a stray pet to feed who "hates" thier son.

You have a lot of reflecting to do and a lot of entitled, spoiled behaviors to work on.

 

 

 

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This reaction from him might be connected to something more than your comment that you hate him.

Can you elaborate on the context of your comment? What were you two arguing about?

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Posted (edited)
23 hours ago, seeking guidance said:

He’s also been so happy lately and I love seeing him like this

So you've dated him for 60 days, and yet this statement about him being so happy seems like it's not the norm.

Is he regularly moody, anxious, or otherwise? With the state you're in--your lack of self-worth, you likely would attract not-so-healthy partners. People who are bullies or manipulate. See how he handles this one argument over the next few days. We all know people can speak in anger, sometimes saying things they don't mean. Either he will take this as a dealbreaker or give you one more chance, hoping you won't repeat that poor behavior.

If he gives you another chance, make sure he doesn't bring up the incident again and hang it over your head, using it as a weapon.

If he does, end it, since you don't need that treatment making your own mental state worse.

You decided to enter a relationship when you're not emotionally up to par. Not really the best idea. There will be a better chance of relationship success when two people are emotionally stable. If you've been with the same therapist a long time, you might try a new one. If this relationship doesn't work out, I'd stay single and concentrate on yourself until you achieve your goal of mental health.

Always remember the saying, "This too shall pass." With hard work, the downs will eventually move up to sunnier planes. Take care.

Edited by Andrina
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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This reaction from him might be connected to something more than your comment that you hate him.

Can you elaborate on the context of your comment? What were you two arguing about?

I was thinking the same thing.  I mean sure what you said is hurtful! But if he's known you 6 years and been into you and now is serious with you - unless you made it even more personal about what you hated about him that was unacceptable (I mean I can think of a few things that potentially could be dealbreakers) - it was obvious you were venting, losing it and yes, you apologize, yes of course he's entitled to feel hurt - as would I.  And I honestly can't remember ever saying that to my husband or having him say it to me..... but of course we've said hurtful things to each other when we're angry/frustrated! And I look at the overall context after I've calmed down if I am the "victim" and-most important - did he apologize in a genuine way.  If so - I mean that goes a really long way with someone you love and in a serious relationship with.  I think something more is going on.

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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This reaction from him might be connected to something more than your comment that you hate him.

Can you elaborate on the context of your comment? What were you two arguing about?

I’m confused about what you mean about his reaction possibly being connected to something more. Could you please explain that? What more could it be connected to and why?
 

I honestly don’t remember what prompted the comment. I am fairly sure he was ignoring me while I was freaking out, as he’s told me that he can’t speak to me when I’m that angry, and everything sped up and came crashing down all at once. It happened so quickly that I barely even heard myself say it. I feel the need to reiterate that my mental state has really been deteriorating as of lately and I’ve had a tendency to “black out” or just not remember entire arguments since I was a child, so I can’t comment much on the actual argument itself or what was said. What I do remember was that he called me a name out of anger for the first time and I didn’t take it well, and it really escalated from there. By escalated i more mean that he didn’t want to speak to me because I was in a white hot rage, which only made him want to speak to me less. He did apologise sincerely for the name calling and I forgave him for that. I think that could be what set me up for that comment, but I don’t know the timeline. For anyone wondering why he doesn’t like to speak to me when im angry, he says I speak a million miles a minute and tend to go in circles until I wear myself out and he can’t get a word in. We don’t have arguments very often at all, but when we do it’s always over something small and silly when one of us is very stressed. We laugh about it later and they usually are never this bad, I think I’ve just bottled up a lot of emotion and it erupted with a lot of force. 

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1 hour ago, Andrina said:

So you've dated him for 60 days, and yet this statement about him being so happy seems like it's not the norm.

Is he regularly moody, anxious, or otherwise? With the state you're in--your lack of self-worth, you likely would attract not-so-healthy partners. People who are bullies or manipulate. See how he handles this one argument over the next few days. We all know people can speak in anger, sometimes saying things they don't mean. Either he will take this as a dealbreaker or give you one more chance, hoping you won't repeat that poor behavior.

If he gives you another chance, make sure he doesn't bring up the incident again and hang it over your head, using it as a weapon.

I’ve dated him for a little while longer than that and he is generally pretty happy actually! We just had a rocky beginning due to him experiencing some family trauma within the first couple months of us getting together. He never weaponises my outbursts, he’s usually very understanding afterwards and we’re able to move on and come out better pretty quickly. 
after a lot of thought today, I realised that that comment couldve potentially hurt him so badly because his ex was horrible to him and tore him up. We don’t talk about past relationships very much but it’s occurred to me that it’s quite possible that she may have said something similar before cheating on him. That being said, I really appreciate the concern but I think the problem is more on my end right now unfortunately. 

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Can you try limiting your contact with someone when you feel the first signs of frustration creeping in? This means timing out and asking for some space to cool down before the conversation takes a turn. 

He shouldn't have called you names. That's verbal abuse and it triggers your response albeit you seem to have rage issues. That raging and forgetting cycle should stop. Try to remember what leads to these. What does your therapist say about this? How does she recommend avoid letting situations escalate?

Leave the room or exit the conversation if you feel it's taking a turn or becoming a competition in belittling and arguing. You absolutely do not need to be present for that.

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And an update for everyone on the whole situation; we are working it out. He is still upset and I’m giving him space for the time being until he’s ready. I was able to speak to someone at my university to set up an access plan and hopefully get me back on track this year. I’ve also decided to take a break from social media as I feel that has attributed greatly to my current mental state and is long overdue. 
As for the harsh comments about me being entitled, spoiled, and comparing me to a stray animal — feel like it wasn’t really necessary to kick me while I’m down and make me feel like a burden to not only him, but his entire family on top of everything else. I help his family out wherever I can, I certainly do not mooch off of them. I have been part of the family well before I dated their son and they remind me that every time I speak to them about it. We go back and forth between my house and his, I cook for him frequently but they offer me dinner the few nights a week that I am there, and I compensate them with help around the house, money where I can, and gifts. It’s a home filled with a lot of love. Just because there was a bad argument and hurtful things were said does not for a second diminish the love that we all have for each other. He has told me clearly that he still wants to be with me and loves me very much, he’s just hurt right now. Now it is entirely up to me to continue working on my mental health and financial/school situation and entirely up to him whether or not he’s able to truly forgive me. I still would appreciate any advice or opinions about the situation! Just wanted to give an update so people know where we’re standing currently. Thank you! 🙂

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Can you try limiting your contact with someone when you feel the first signs of frustration creeping in? This means timing out and asking for some space to cool down before the conversation takes a turn. 

He shouldn't have called you names. That's verbal abuse and it triggers your response albeit you seem to have rage issues. That raging and forgetting cycle should stop. Try to remember what leads to these. What does your therapist say about this? How does she recommend avoid letting situations escalate?

Leave the room or exit the conversation if you feel it's taking a turn or becoming a competition in belittling and arguing. You absolutely do not need to be present for that.

absolutely agree with this, and this is something I have been working on. He has never called me a name before and I made it extremely clear to him that I’m not okay with it, so he’s well aware now and apologised very sincerely for it. I do have a plan in place set up by my therapist for when I start to feel myself losing control. It’s definitely something that’s going to take a bit of practice and something I think I’ll need to sit down and go through with him so he can notice the signs and help me realise when they’re happening. Recognising when I’m transitioning between upset and furious is the hardest part, and figuring out how to calm down after removing myself can sometimes be just as difficult. I’ll admit I definitely did not even remember my anger management plan existed this time because I haven’t needed to use it in a while, i was only reminded of it today, but it will for sure be something I plan on committing to a lot harder after this. 

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Posted (edited)

What will make this better is to take all accountability, and focus your energy on your mental health...and that means giving each other some space so you can. They say it's best not to be too involved with someone while going through treatment because it's a distraction, and it slows the process down. Let him know you need to get yourself in a better place mentally first before continuing with repairing things. Slow your roll, take care of yourself. Communicate well with each other.

*Note: I'm really surprised your therapist didn't offer you a temporary replacement while they were off on vaycay. To me that's leaving your patients is a precarious position. So unprofessional.

Edited by smackie9
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You give this family money and gifts, and yet you're financially in dire straits? That's highly irregular. While dating, I've never once given anybody's partner's family money, and only gave gifts to the family AFTER marrying for birthdays and Christmas.

You've loved each other the entire 6 years even when he had a gf? Doesn't sound like he has good relationship boundaries, nor do you.

Neither of you are ready to be in a relationship, much as you will argue that point. I can just hear Dr. Phil now, telling you that very advice he's given others in similar situations. You each individually need years of therapy before being a good partner to anyone. Relationships are difficult enough without adding anger issues and uncontrolled depression into the mix.

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I don't understand how it is he has this ex- so he's been in a relationship and yet you were close to his family - do you mean as a family friend?

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