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3 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

You guys have no idea how brainwashed I am by this man.  You have no idea what he has put in my head.  I am broken and just need some help to get away.  I am going to call the resource center on my lunch break today and see what I can find out.

The whole meaning of brainwashing is that the person who is brainwashed has no idea they are brainwashed. That's what brainwashing is.

The fact you can say "I am brainwashed" means you are no longer brainwashed. Please, no more excuses, just action! You can do it for yourself and your family. Pull yourself together, you have bigger fish to fry.

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2 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

He has never been abusive to her.  She has only seen him be abusive to me.  

Children witnessing abuse and violence in their own home is abuse.

As Sherrystar has said before, these memories stay with a child their whole lives and can affect their behaviour forever if left untreated. How many boys have grown up to be violent towards their own partners and wives, simply through seeing how their own fathers screamed at and beat their mother? 

My mother in law grew up in an abusive household where her father would hit her mother on a regular basis, or make threats, or shout. The excuse was always "he was drunk". You could say oh, it was of an era. This happened in the 1950s. I always felt resentment towards her for never leaving. He died very early in life, no one cried. My mother in law was very glad. 

Abuse is abuse, whether you witness it or have it done to you in turn. Once done, unfortunately, there is no going back in time. The main thing is now, like others have said, to move forward and claim your mistakes and be a fit mother for your children and gain some respect for yourself.

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Just now, mylolita said:

Children witnessing abuse and violence in their own home is abuse.

As Sherrystar has said before, these memories stay with a child their whole lives and can affect their behaviour forever if left untreated. How many boys have grown up to be violent towards their own partners and wives, simply through seeing how their own fathers screamed at and beat their mother? 

My mother in law grew up in an abusive household where her father would hit her mother on a regular basis, or make threats, or shout. The excuse was always "he was drunk". You could say oh, it was of an era. This happened in the 1950s. I always felt resentment towards her for never leaving. He died very early in life, no one cried. My mother in law was very glad. 

Abuse is abuse, whether you witness it or have it done to you in turn. Once done, unfortunately, there is no going back in time. The main thing is now, like others have said, to move forward and claim your mistakes and be a fit mother for your children and gain some respect for yourself.

My mother was also in an abusive marriage and I know what it has done to me.  I'm going to do the right thing.  

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

I'm going to do the right thing.  

Of course you are, OP.  You do not need to be berated for your mistakes. 

Let us know how you get on with the measures you are taking. 

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I have left before but the cops told me if I leave, I have abandoned everything in my home and I will lose everything I own.  That's why I'm trying to get him to leave.

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

I have left before but the cops told me if I leave, I have abandoned everything in my home and I will lose everything I own.  That's why I'm trying to get him to leave.

And he would be losing everything he owns if he leaves. 

If he consults an attorney that attorney would advise him to not leave the marital home. That's why it's vital to proceed with legal advice.

And I'm confused, you said you already called the resource line and now you say you're going to call. 

And I doubt your kids would be ok with "I didn't have time"  as an excuse for not yet taking steps to get them safe at home. I presume you have a labor law mandated lunch break at work. Why can't you call during lunch?

You are not broken. It's a difficult and upsetting situation but you can do this.

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Posted (edited)

It won't work, OP. Honestly. Nothing you can do to make him leave. Please, consult with a lawyer, get proper advice and based on that advice move along with instituting divorce proceedings.  It is the only way you are going to get back your life. 

Here is another link for you (and in your general area too):

https://mcadv.org/our-services/

Edited by LaHermes
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37 minutes ago, mylolita said:

The fact you can say "I am brainwashed" means you are no longer brainwashed. 

Agree. You seem to be looking for pity, but it's really your kids who need a decent parent and a decent place to stay.

You have refused to provide that, fully aware of the abuse and yet, you claim you are abused and you are not sure he's abusing you?

It's not a mistake you stay married to him. It's not a mistake your kids had the wherewithal to tell their father, it's not a mistake they left.

You seem to be one of these desperate women who will throw her kids under a bus to hang on to some ahole. Woe filly self-absorbed and completely unconcerned with the wellbeing of your kids.

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38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And he would be losing everything he owns if he leaves. 

If he consults an attorney that attorney would advise him to not leave the marital home. That's why it's vital to proceed with legal advice.

And I'm confused, you said you already called the resource line and now you say you're going to call. 

And I doubt your kids would be ok with "I didn't have time"  as an excuse for not yet taking steps to get them safe at home. I presume you have a labor law mandated lunch break at work. Why can't you call during lunch?

You are not broken. It's a difficult and upsetting situation but you can do this.

No, I contacted the abuse hotline and they gave me the number to the resource center where I live.  I'm going to call at lunch today.

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7 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

No, I contacted the abuse hotline and they gave me the number to the resource center where I live.  I'm going to call at lunch today.

That's excellent. They have trained professionals who can assist you with every aspect of this difficult process.

Each time you start to think you're making a mistake or that your abuser "isn't THAT bad" or that you or your kids are exaggerating, think of their safety. And don't fall for your abuser's crocodile tears. He doesn't want to lose his figurative punching bag. It's not about loving you, but rather about loving to abuse you.

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That's excellent. They have trained professionals who can assist you with every aspect of this difficult process.

Each time you start to think you're making a mistake or that your abuser "isn't THAT bad" or that you or your kids are exaggerating, think of their safety. And don't fall for your abuser's crocodile tears. He doesn't want to lose his figurative punching bag. It's not about loving you, but rather about loving to abuse you.

You're right.  I think he just loves the fact that he can control me.  I don't really think he loves me.  If he did, he wouldn't treat me like he does.  

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

He has never been abusive to her.  She has only seen him be abusive to me.  

That IS abusing kids. I told you before I have a 50 year old memory of my mom being abused . My dad tried to run over my mother with a car that he was driving and I was a passenger in. I was 5 years old. My brother was 18 months and I was holding his head down so he couldn’t see anything. I remember screaming don’t hurt my mother don’t hurt my mother don’t hurt my mother please don’t kill my mother. And my father telling me shut the F up stupid. I will be 55 this year I still remember this. 
Due to his abusing my mother ,abusing me and his family abusing me I now have PTSD ,anxiety disorder and panic disorder. 

If you watched your mother being abused , you were abused and you are just repeating her pattern. You can absolutely change this. You don’t have to be a prisoner. 
 

 

Edited by Seraphim
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12 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

You're right.  I think he just loves the fact that he can control me.  I don't really think he loves me.  If he did, he wouldn't treat me like he does.  

No, he wouldn't. 

I'm glad you're getting help from reliable resources.  They are experienced with abuse situations and can guide you through every step while providing valuable emotional support. Most of them have been where you are and have come through the other side healthy and well. You can too. Just resolve to do what's best for your children and yourself.

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42 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

That IS abusing kids. I told you before I have a 50 year old memory of my mom being abused . My dad tried to run over my mother with a car that he was driving and I was a passenger in. I was 5 years old. My brother was 18 months and I was holding his head down so he couldn’t see anything. I remember screaming don’t hurt my mother don’t hurt my mother don’t hurt my mother please don’t kill my mother. And my father telling me shut the F up stupid. I will be 55 this year I still remember this. 
Due to his abusing my mother ,abusing me and his family abusing me I now have PTSD ,anxiety disorder and panic disorder. 

If you watched your mother being abused , you were abused and you are just repeating her pattern. You can absolutely change this. You don’t have to be a prisoner. 
 

 

I am so sorry.  I also suffer from anxiety and depression.  I'm sure watching my mother be abused has alot to do with that.  I very much so want to change this pattern.  It's just so hard when you have someone telling you everyday that it's your fault and you just overreact.  People don't understand how things he says gets in my head and I start believing it.  

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4 hours ago, LaHermes said:

It won't work, OP. Honestly. Nothing you can do to make him leave. Please, consult with a lawyer, get proper advice and based on that advice move along with instituting divorce proceedings.  It is the only way you are going to get back your life. 

Here is another link for you (and in your general area too):

https://mcadv.org/our-services/

Thank you!  I called them at lunch.  They are going to email me with information on what to do.

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

People don't understand how things he says gets in my head and I start believing it.  

I can well believe it OP. Abusers are experts at mind games and manipulation, making you fearful, which all leads to the anxiety and depression.  Such individuals are an empty shell and what they do is project onto you. Don't let him do this any longer.  They enjoy seeing the destruction they cause, he enjoys seeing you trampled down to this point.

All the more reason you get this situation sorted out legally as soon as you can. 

Make every use of the information you get from the sources you have contacted. Seeing a lawyer is top of your list.  

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2 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I am so sorry.  I also suffer from anxiety and depression.  I'm sure watching my mother be abused has alot to do with that.  I very much so want to change this pattern.  It's just so hard when you have someone telling you everyday that it's your fault and you just overreact.  People don't understand how things he says gets in my head and I start believing it.  

Absolutely we understand. Many of us have been abused. My father’s brother used to slam my head into the floor and wall and raping me while claiming he “ loved me” , my dad said he loved me while he starved me. 
We DO understand. We have worked on and actively chosen something else. You can to . I am glad you are getting help so you can recover your relationship with your kids. 

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9 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I'm not just focused on a divorce.  No I did not marry him to spite my ex.  My kids are in a safe place.  Yes, this is all about my kids.  I'm doing my best to do the right thing here.  

With all of the time you have spent on this site you could have reached out to an attorney.  
 

 

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44 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Thanks to everybody for your words of wisdom!

How did it go over the weekend? Did he agree to move out? Were you able to connect with someone who can give you legal advice?

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Posted (edited)

He has agreed to move out but he's still telling me it's my fault.  Is it?  Did I overreact??  Sometimes I think I might have but then I think about my daughter and how scared she was that night and I think otherwise.  I'm at war with my feelings.  I'm going to see a counselor this week to discuss this.  I don't know if I'm doing the right thing.  I need a professional opinion I think.  My husband tells me marriage is forever and we can get through this and I want to believe that.  He just wants to be forgiven and I feel I owe that to him.  Maybe I'm wrong.  I don't really know.  I understand where everybody is coming from that has replied to this but I can't change the way I feel in my heart.  If he had physically hurt my child it would be a totally different story but that didn't happen.    I know I will have replies to this that will be blunt and cold but I'm ready.  I'll listen to all advice given.  He is going to counseling so he is trying.

Edited by Mommy1995
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So you only care about your abuser's "feelings" and don't think your daughter's matter, is that it? And you prefer to wait until he hits your daughter before you care about how frightened she is of him? 

If you're determined to stay with your abuser, please sign permanent full custody of your minor children over to their father and arrange for you to have supervised visitation with them away from your home.

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. 

You know full well you are doing the right thing, OP. 

 

1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

but I can't change the way I feel in my heart.

Leave your "heart" out of this, OP. It's just the organ that pumps blood to keep you alive.  

What do you think the counsellor is going to tell you? Aside from which properly qualified therapists will not "tell you" what to do. 

Heaven help you, OP, you are in such a place of denial that you WANT to believe anything this individual says. "He is still telling you that it is your fault".  That of itself is abuse.

You owe him NOTHING. But you DO owe yourself and your children. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Honestly, at this point it’s a challenge to offer empathy to someone who is deliberately putting herself in this position. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read your justification for abuse of children - yes, he emotionally abuses your children. It disgusts me that you convinced your sons to stay in an abusive household. YOU abused them by doing that. And it saddens me that you place this despicable man over your older daughter’s needs and feelings to the point of driving her away and then to do so to your youngest daughter. 

How many people (including your kids) have to tell you before you give a sh*t? If you absolutely insist on ruining  your life then have at it, but leave your poor children out of it. You’re just as bad as your husband if you become part of the problem instead of the solution. It only takes one bad mother to screw up her kids and you’re well on your way to achieving that goal. And yes, it is a goal if you actively and willingly act against your children’s best interests, which you are doing.

As a previous poster said - sign your rights to your children over to their much more caring father and run off into the sunset with your abusive husband and save your ‘marriage is forever’ “marriage”.

Edited by LotusBlack
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