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Husband or daughter


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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I do not want to stay with him.  I was just saying I can't afford an attorney.  Look, I'm trying to do the right thing here.  You don't have to be mean.

Then do something.   All of these fantastic people have offered you many resources.   Use them and stop making excuses!

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I do not want to stay with him.  I was just saying I can't afford an attorney.  Look, I'm trying to do the right thing here.  You don't have to be mean.

What area are you in? In the US, I was able to get an attorney for pro bono since was related to abuse and an order of protection.  Also, you are entitled to have your husband pay for the lawyer.  You should consult with an attorney to find out your options.  Many consult meetings are free.

 

 

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20 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

What area are you in? In the US, I was able to get an attorney for pro bono since was related to abuse and an order of protection.  Also, you are entitled to have your husband pay for the lawyer.  You should consult with an attorney to find out your options.  Many consult meetings are free.

 

 

I'm in North Mississippi

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Glad to hear that you contacted a help-line and got some information.  I trust you are acting on the information you got. Did they provide some links to a lawyer who could assist you?  

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If you were given referrals to legal advice that would be a good place to start.

But you do need to make sure you and your kids are safe from the abuser. Can you stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks? Since you have a job you have money you can use to get an Air BnB or a motel room. 

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15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If you were given referrals to legal advice that would be a good place to start.

But you do need to make sure you and your kids are safe from the abuser. Can you stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks? Since you have a job you have money you can use to get an Air BnB or a motel room. 

I don't have that kind of money.  I'm trying to just get him to leave.

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22 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I'm trying to just get him to leave.

What exactly does that mean, OP?  Have you made an appointment with the lawyer or lawyers suggested by the helpline people?  Saying that you are "trying" to get him to leave makes no sense.  You need to get that legal advice (we have said this multiple times on here). 

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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Saying that you are "trying" to get him to leave makes no sense.  

Agree. If you are legally married and co-own the house, you can not ask someone to "just leave" their own residence. 

You can however help your other two children to leave. The younger own may wish to live with his father and you can assist the older one with house shares, apt, dorms, etc.

 The most important thing is that your kids are safe.

You can divorce if you have money, if you want to, if he allows you, if you talk to a lawyer, if, if, if.

However get your act together as far as protecting your kids. Isn't that what it's about? 

Why is your focus suddenly on divorce?  Who cares? Did you marry him to spite your ex?

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I work all day.  I haven't had the time to contact an attorney.  The kids are safe.  The only one at home right now is my 22 year old son.  My other son is at his dads.  I'm making sure my kids are ok.  He has agreed to move out.  I just don't know if it will ever happen.  He is still saying I am to blame for all of this and I overreacted to him losing his mind and that's why the kids are scared of him.  I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I think he will agree to move out.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. If you are legally married and co-own the house, you can not ask someone to "just leave" their own residence. 

You can however help your other two children to leave. The younger own may wish to live with his father and you can assist the older one with house shares, apt, dorms, etc.

 The most important thing is that your kids are safe.

You can divorce if you have money, if you want to, if he allows you, if you talk to a lawyer, if, if, if.

However get your act together as far as protecting your kids. Isn't that what it's about? 

Why is your focus suddenly on divorce?  Who cares? Did you marry him to spite your ex?

I'm not just focused on a divorce.  No I did not marry him to spite my ex.  My kids are in a safe place.  Yes, this is all about my kids.  I'm doing my best to do the right thing here.  

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

He has agreed to move out. 

I think he will agree to move out.

Which is it? Will your younger son permanently reside with his father? Can you help the older one with other living arrangements?

 Unfortunately, it sounds like you are making up things. He  doesn't have to leave . It's his house.

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

He has agreed to move out.

 

1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

I just don't know if it will ever happen.

I really do wish, OP, that you would stop making excuses as regards seeking proper legal advice. You work all day. So do many other people. If you are really serious about this whole sorry situation then you would find time to see a lawyer. Where there's a will there's a way. Always. Please telephone the lawyer, any one of those recommended to you on that helpline (I assume you DID call the helpline on the links we gave on here?). Ask for an appointment, explain your time constraints due to your working hours and, well, just get on with it! 

You say he has agreed to move out. Well, I have news for you, and I am no clairvoyant, he will not move out while you are failing to act in a business-like manner, starting with that consultation with a lawyer.  You yourself say you don't know if "it" will ever happen (his moving out).  So you intend to let things drift along anyway.

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Posted (edited)

I'm sorry to be blunt, but others have said it much nicer than me, but the fact you even have to ask this makes you, in my opinion, unfit to even be a mother.

How would you feel as a 13 year old girl if your mum was allowing you to be treated this way? If you knowingly allow abuse to go on like this you are just as guilty.

God knows what she has already been through before her tender age of 13. Shame on you! 

I really hope you take all the steps advised here. Whether you work or not is no excuse. Nothing is more important than your children. No man, work, friend,
money or travel should come between them. This is basic stuff and she has a basic human right to a safe home environment. 

I am just glad she had the sense even at 13 to get herself out of there. I'm sorry if I seem unsympathetic, but my sympathy here is with your daughter and other children if they have suffered the same. You are a fully grown woman who can make her own mistakes and deal with them, your children should not have to suffer along with you if that is how you have decided to live. 

Edited by mylolita
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3 minutes ago, mylolita said:

I'm sorry to be blunt, but others have said it much nicer than me, but the fact you even have to ask this makes you, in my opinion, unfit to even be a mother.

How would you feel as a 13 year old girl if your mum was allowing you to be treated this way? If you knowingly allow abuse to go on like this you are just as guilty.

God knows what she has already been through before her tender age of 13. Shame on you!

I understand what you're saying.  I'm not allowing it to go on.  She is no longer in the house.  

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Which is it? Will your younger son permanently reside with his father? Can you help the older one with other living arrangements?

 Unfortunately, it sounds like you are making up things. He  doesn't have to leave . It's his house.

Yes, he is staying with his father.   I'm not making anything up.  Now he's saying he doesn't want to come in between me and my kids and he said he would move out.

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15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, it sounds like you are making up things. He  doesn't have to leave . It's his house.

All the more reason to move ahead with divorce proceedings, so that everything is done in a formal manner and a Court decision given in the manner.  Otherwise this awful situation will drag on forever and a day.

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You guys have no idea how brainwashed I am by this man.  You have no idea what he has put in my head.  I am broken and just need some help to get away.  I am going to call the resource center on my lunch break today and see what I can find out.

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

I understand what you're saying.  I'm not allowing it to go on.  She is no longer in the house.  

I am relieved OP! 

I am not saying I am mother of the year, but I look at the faces of my toddlers while they sleep and I know I would die a thousand deaths before I would allow anyone to treat them abusively. 

There is a reason for the turn of phase "Mama Bear" - that protective, wild instinct as a woman you have towards your babies and children. Glad you can manage to wake her up.

I really hope you seek help now not just for them but for yourself. 

Lo x

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Posted (edited)

I understand so completely what you are saying OP.  I do. This dreadful person has manipulated and abused you to the point where you can probably not think straight. So, try to imagine the relief you will experience when he is out of your life, and the better days ahead when you are no longer a "mind prisoner". 

You are not broken. But you sure do need help and soon.  You will find that you will feel infinitely better once you set the procedures in motion, starting with the lawyer. It means you are taking action, and not, so to speak, sitting hypnotised in the headlight waiting to be run over, again.

Do it, OP. You can. 

and to add. That child has seen this individual be abusive to you, and that will affect her. In fact it is abusive of itself that she should have had to witness such carry on. 

Just as an aside, here is a definition, and yes you are right OP:

"Common features of brainwashing include isolation, humiliation, accusation, and unpredictable attacks. The abusive environment produces real and anticipated fear, which contributes to the battered woman's belief that her situation is hopeless and that she must depend on her abuser."

Edited by LaHermes
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