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Husband or daughter


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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

He did tell me he would make my life hell if I ever left.

And you opened this thread with the line that your husband just has anger management issues and completely downplayed his abuse. How could you even ask who to choose when he says threatening things like this and then NOT see it as abuse? It has all the hallmarks of abuse. Driving your children away, intimidation, threats, controlling behaviour...how did you ever view this as anger management issues? Yelling at the slow car in front of you is having an anger problem, threatening your children and your well-being is just straight up abuse. I wouldn’t have convinced my kids to stay, I’d have pushed them out the door and followed on their heels.

Edited by LotusBlack
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I have contacted a help line and got some resources.

It wouldn’t even be a matter of her feeling like you chose your abusive a-hole husband, you are choosing and have chosen him. Your daughter is frightened and gone. Your husband is happy he got what he

Well, after going through the entire thread, the answer to your question "husband or daughter (kids)?" is clearly:  Husband. You are choosing the put your toxic, abusive husband over and above the wel

If you refuse to leave him citing ridiculous excuses, please pack up your children's things and take the children to their father, then sign away custody. You can ask for supervised visitation away from the home you share with your abuser.

OR...you can choose your life and your children's lives and call the hotline and ask for help. I presume your children have visitation with their father, so have them stay with him for a week or two while you sort everything out. Tell the abuser they asked to have an extended visit with their dad. Then make a plan to leave him and don't look back.

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Keep in mind that if he harms your children, there's a greater chance of you going down with him.  It's called neglect.

As everyone has said. "do the right thing."

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

If you refuse to leave him citing ridiculous excuses, please pack up your children's things and take the children to their father

Agree. That would make 4 out of 4 rather than just half of them being safe. Your daughters are out. Now  arrange for the boys to leave.

The younger one can go to his dad's etc. The older can go to college, get roommates etc. The more they see this monster in action the more damage you are doing to them.

 Then at least  you can make all the excuses you want to stay and won't be damaging your kids.

 It's bizarre that you can write on here all day but can't call an attorney, an abuse hotline, a relative, a friend etc. 

Why won't you tell extended family including the kids grandparents, aunt uncles (both sides) what's going on?

 Are you dependent on drugs (including rx pain/anxiety pills) or alcohol? Is that why you "need" him and won't work, drive, use a phone, tell family the truth, etc. ?

Is it his house you moved into after your divorce?

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10 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

She's currently staying with her father.  My husband is not her father.  He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says he can change but I think the damage is already done with my daughter.  I don't think she'll ever want to be around him again.  I do want her to be in a safe place where she feels safe.  My husband puts these things in my head and makes me feel like he's the important one and she's just a kid and is making a big deal out of nothing.  He says our marriage is the important thing and that one day she'll just get over it.

She wont "get over it". I was bought up in the same situation, but I had no where else to go, so had to live with my mother & her abusive husbands.

I am 59 & still feeling the affects of this. I have been through trauma counselling and have no relationship with my mother.

I cannot fathom a mother picking an abuser over her own Daughter. Your poor Daughter is feeling abandoned, unloved & not worthy of your protection. 

Trust me, when she is old enough she will be no longer in your life.  You chose a man over her, and she will never forget or forgive you for that!

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10 minutes ago, shellyf62 said:

She wont "get over it". I was bought up in the same situation, but I had no where else to go, so had to live with my mother & her abusive husbands.

I am 59 & still feeling the affects of this. I have been through trauma counselling and have no relationship with my mother.

I cannot fathom a mother picking an abuser over her own Daughter. Your poor Daughter is feeling abandoned, unloved & not worthy of your protection. 

Trust me, when she is old enough she will be no longer in your life.  You chose a man over her, and she will never forget or forgive you for that!

Yep, I haven't spoken to or even laid eyes on father since I turned 18.  I'll be 55 in a few months.  He never met my husband, wasn't invited to my wedding and has never met his beautiful grandchildren.

I don't regret it one bit.  He didn't care about me so I'm returning the favor.

OP, unless you think it's worth it to lose all 4 of your children so you can continue to coddle this abuser...well, you know what to do.  You can choose to be strong for your children and do the right thing.

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Your daughter should always come first. If you want to choose your husbund over her, make sure the father gets custody. This is really sad. My dad has anger issues and it has caused a myriad of issues through the years. I'm not a child and still have problems because of it; don't do this to her. 

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14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. That would make 4 out of 4 rather than just half of them being safe. Your daughters are out. Now  arrange for the boys to leave.

The younger one can go to his dad's etc. The older can go to college, get roommates etc. The more they see this monster in action the more damage you are doing to them.

 Then at least  you can make all the excuses you want to stay and won't be damaging your kids.

 It's bizarre that you can write on here all day but can't call an attorney, an abuse hotline, a relative, a friend etc. 

Why won't you tell extended family including the kids grandparents, aunt uncles (both sides) what's going on?

 Are you dependent on drugs (including rx pain/anxiety pills) or alcohol? Is that why you "need" him and won't work, drive, use a phone, tell family the truth, etc. ?

Is it his house you moved into after your divorce?

I have asked my family for help and I do work.  No, it's not his house.  We got it together.  

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12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Yep, I haven't spoken to or even laid eyes on father since I turned 18.  I'll be 55 in a few months.  He never met my husband, wasn't invited to my wedding and has never met his beautiful grandchildren.

I don't regret it one bit.  He didn't care about me so I'm returning the favor.

OP, unless you think it's worth it to lose all 4 of your children so you can continue to coddle this abuser...well, you know what to do.  You can choose to be strong for your children and do the right thing.

I am going to do the right thing.

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Posted (edited)
44 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I asked him for a divorce last night.  

So? Haven't you made that threat over and over yet stay because you don't work and depend on him and never sought pout real legal advice?

 What makes you believe you have to "ask for" a divorce?

Edited by Wiseman2
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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What makes you believe you have to "ask for" a divorce?

OP, I ask the same question as Wiseman.

You don't have to ask for anything.  Please seek proper legal advice and then take the advice the lawyer gives you.  Write down in advance the points you wish to raise with the lawyer, and take note, in writing, of the advice. Then, start the process as quickly as possible.

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1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

Thanks for all the comments.  I asked him for a divorce last night.  

You don't need his permission to divorce him.

So how did he respond?

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

So? Haven't you made that threat over and over yet stay because you don't work and depend on him and never sought pout real legal advice?

 What makes you believe you have to "ask for" a divorce?

I do work.  I know I don't have to ask.  I meant I told him I want a divorce.

Edited by Mommy1995
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18 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't need his permission to divorce him.

So how did he respond?

He lost it and cried and begged for me not to do this but I stood my ground.  This is it.  I'm doing it this time.

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Posted (edited)
10 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I can't afford a lawyer at this time.  I will do it as soon as I have the money.

You can do this. Being able to make the decision to leave and stand firm with it is the hardest part. You’ve done that. When this gets hard and you feel unsure, remember why you’re doing this. Visualize yourself free and happy without him every single day until it’s reality.

Who have you called for help? You don’t have to do this alone. There are many services that exist for situations exactly like this, because it is really hard. Reach out to someone and see how much you can gain from their assistance. Saving up to afford a lawyer sounds pretty daunting and overwhelming, as they’re expensive. There are people who will make it much less overwhelming if you let them.

Call for help. You can do this. You have to do this.

God is with you, and He will help as well if you let Him.

Edited by indea08
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6 minutes ago, indea08 said:

You can do this. Being able to make the decision to leave and stand firm with it is the hardest part. You’ve done that. When this gets hard and you feel unsure, remember why you’re doing this. Visualize yourself free and happy without him every single day until it’s reality.

Who have you called for help? You don’t have to do this alone. There are many services that exist for situations exactly like this, because it is really hard. Reach out to someone and see how much you can gain from their assistance. Saving up to afford a lawyer sounds pretty daunting and overwhelming, as they’re expensive. There are people who will make it much less overwhelming if you let them.

Call for help. You can do this. You have to do this.

God is with you, and He will help as well if you let Him.

Yes, it is very hard.  Thank you for the words of encouragement.  I've just asked my sister for help.  I don't know who else I can call.  Who am I supposed to call about this? What kind of services?

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3 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Yes, it is very hard.  Thank you for the words of encouragement.  I've just asked my sister for help.  I don't know who else I can call.  Who am I supposed to call about this? What kind of services?

Like we said several times, call a domestic abuse hotline. They have attorneys on their payroll who will assist you. You can call them today.

When something is important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not important to you, you'll find an excuse.

Is the safety and wellbeing of your children important to you?

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Like we said several times, call a domestic abuse hotline. They have attorneys on their payroll who will assist you. You can call them today.

When something is important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not important to you, you'll find an excuse.

Is the safety and wellbeing of your children important to you?

Of course it is important!  That's why I'm trying to do the right thing.

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Many attorneys provide free consultations. You need to call up, ask if that firm does and get that consultation. Be sure that you tell them that you are in an abusive situation and that money is a problem. Listen carefully to the advice in terms of what documents you need to gather and how to protect yourself. In some locations, your attorney can actually bill the abuser for costs and legal fees. Please get proper legal advice and talk to several different lawyers.

In various states there is also legal aid - google that for offices and locations in your state. "legal aid" - it's specifically for people who can't afford a lawyer. Tons of family law attorney volunteer their time with these organizations. It might have a different name in your state, but look around.

Also, please please be careful. After tears and self pity comes rage. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I can't afford a lawyer at this time.  I will do it as soon as I have the money.

 Then why bother bringing it up? More empty nonsense threats?

You need to consult an attorney.

If you are financially disadvantaged the spouse will be billed for both your and his attorneys.  What you are saying is BS, marital assets are available to both spouses.

You don't need to divorce, just get your kids out of the house. Clearly you want to stay with this creep, fine but get your kids out of this mess.

Edited by Wiseman2
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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Then why bother bringing it up? More empty nonsense threats?

You need to consult an attorney.

If you are financially disadvantaged the spouse will be billed for both your and his attorneys.  What you are saying is BS, marital assets are available to both spouses.

You don't need to divorce, just get your kids out of the house. Clearly you want to stay with this creep, fine but get your kids out of this mess.

C’mon man. Tough love is an excellent resource in some situations, but not this one. She’s made the choice to leave, leaving will be very hard, so let’s try to help her through it, not scold her for not having done it already. 

OP, the first step is the hardest. Now just keeping taking steps forward, one foot in front of the other, and don’t look back. YOU CAN DO THIS.

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40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Then why bother bringing it up? More empty nonsense threats?

You need to consult an attorney.

If you are financially disadvantaged the spouse will be billed for both your and his attorneys.  What you are saying is BS, marital assets are available to both spouses.

You don't need to divorce, just get your kids out of the house. Clearly you want to stay with this creep, fine but get your kids out of this mess.

I do not want to stay with him.  I was just saying I can't afford an attorney.  Look, I'm trying to do the right thing here.  You don't have to be mean.

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