Jump to content
'

Husband or daughter


Go to solution Solved by Capricorn3,
Message added by kamurj,

This topic has run its course, closed.

Recommended Posts

4 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

She's currently staying with her father.  My husband is not her father.  He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says he can change but I think the damage is already done with my daughter

Do you blame her??

Why would YOU stay with this?

No, he will not change! 😕 

She can see clearly, she is the smart one. Why would you even want to have her there, with him being abusive & scaring her?  Why would you want to remain with him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

I think I stay with him because he makes me believe everything is ok and it's my fault and he will change.  

This is also abuse. 

A marriage is important and your relationship hopefully lasts after the kids grow up.  In that sense, yes. 

HOWEVER! Not at the safety and well being of yourself or your children. 

You have lost your compass at the hands of this guy. 

You need to leave this man. Work on yourself with a therapist. While also getting help for your daughter and your relationship with your daughter. 

Flip the script... show your daughter you are the strong mamma lion she needs. Teach her how you don't allow yourself or those around you be abused for the sake of having a man.

You messed up, but there is still time to fix this.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

He just makes me think otherwise and I wanted opinions from others since he won't let me have friends to talk to.

Ok, this is another form of CONTROL.

Get yourself out of this & away from this nasty man!

Seriously.. get your inner strength in gear.. Realize your own self worth here.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

These are all excuses.

Call a domestic abuse hotline TODAY and ask for help. They will provide you with shelter at no cost. If your other kids can't stay with their father then bring them with you. The shelter will house all of you for free.

If you aren't willing to do that because you insist you "can't" or because you "love" your abuser, then please pack your kids' belongings and take them to their father's home to live permanently.  That way you can stay and continue to be abused as much as you want without doing any more damage to your children.

Yes, I'm being harsh. But your kids didn't ask to be in an abusive environment.  You are doing permanent damage to them by staying with an abusive man. You can end this but only if you truly love your children and want what's best for them. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Mommy1995 said:

I don't know what's right and wrong anymore.

Of course you know what's right and wrong! You have a conscience don't you? 

But that is not really at the heart of the matter, is it? You are afraid to leave because you "have no place to go". 

For the sake of your children you need to show some courage here.

Please take the advice given by the other posters. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Well no , it’s not OK for you to be abused and no it’s not OK for her to be abused. Get in touch with the local women’s shelter and make a plan to leave. You could lose your daughter for good at this age she can decide whether she wants to see you or not. And she may feel you chose an abusive jerk over her and you may never see her again. 

It wouldn’t even be a matter of her feeling like you chose your abusive a-hole husband, you are choosing and have chosen him. Your daughter is frightened and gone. Your husband is happy he got what he wants and you stuck by him. If you get rid of him now, you may be able to undo the damage to yours and your daughter’s bond. Keep that guy around for much longer then she may never forgive you, even if you do manage to leave him at some point down the road.

As a mother myself, I can’t even conceive of the thought of my child in distress. Feeling afraid and alone. That would just break my heart more than any man could. With my own body and strength I grew my son. Each day in gestation he made it through was a win and I protected him from the minute I knew of his existence. To knowingly allow him to suffer when I could stop that would be breaking the vows I made to him as his mother. Don’t do that for this guy. It’s not worth the loss of your daughter or the damage she will have for the rest of her life trying to figure out why her mother would choose a guy over her.

Edit: I just read where you said you convinced your two sons to stay at home with you instead of leaving! Why would you do that? Why would you wilfully lie to them and put them at risk? You completely violated their trust in you as their mother and for what? Some piece of garbage guy who doesn’t even love you? This isn’t love. What you have done and are doing to your children isn’t love either. It’s one thing to not choose your kids over your abuser but an entirely other thing to throw your hat into the ring with him and convince your kids to stick around to have a front row seat to this train wreck.

Edited by LotusBlack
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

40 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Call a domestic abuse hotline TODAY and ask for help. They will provide you with shelter at no cost. If your other kids can't stay with their father then bring them with you. The shelter will house all of you for free.

I fully endorse what Bolt says. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would quietly plan my escape. Call a women's hotline or contact a legal help line.... If you can't find one, go talk to the police. They know how to help you and what needs to happen. Lean on their expertise.

Talk to the children's father. If you explain the situation and ask him to help with his children.  I can't imagine he wouldn't. He may even be able to help you.  You are the mother of his children.  

look into the finances. What's your half? Is your name on the house?  car?

Reach out to any old contacts you had. An abuser purposely isolates their victim, so they have no one to turn to. Maybe your family or old friends would be willing to help you.

Make your plans quietly, get the kids settled, gas up the car, and then when he leaves the house for few hours or work or whatever, you GO!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I would quietly plan my escape. Call a women's hotline or contact a legal help line.... If you can't find one, go talk to the police. They know how to help you and what needs to happen. Lean on their expertise.

Talk to the children's father. If you explain the situation and ask him to help with his children.  I can't imagine he wouldn't. He may even be able to help you.  You are the mother of his children.  

look into the finances. What's your half? Is your name on the house?  car?

Reach out to any old contacts you had. An abuser purposely isolates their victim, so they have no one to turn to. Maybe your family or old friends would be willing to help you.

Make your plans quietly, get the kids settled, gas up the car, and then when he leaves the house for few hours or work or whatever, you GO!

Was just recommending this. You need to be very strong and follow this through. Be smart and stick to your guns. This is not right and you and your children do not deserve this. He will try to emotionally blackmail and brain wash you. But this is not healthy and safe. Be strong and seek help. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

OK, I'm going to just tell him I want a divorce.  I've done this so many times and he always talks me into staying with him but I'm going to do it and mean it this time.  Thanks everyone for your advice.  This was a huge wake up call for me.  I really appreciate it!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

OK, I'm going to just tell him I want a divorce.  I've done this so many times and he always talks me into staying with him but I'm going to do it and mean it this time.  Thanks everyone for your advice.  This was a huge wake up call for me.  I really appreciate it!

Don’t tell him you want anything. Just file for it and don’t put yourself in the position of giving him the opportunity to talk you out of or into anything. You already know you don’t have the strength to go up against him emotionally because he always talks you around. So this time just don’t even put yourself in that position. File. And while you’re at it get a restraining order/DVO that covers you and includes your children.

I know we seem really harsh and judgmental, but sometimes being tough gives people the shock they need to take off their rose coloured glasses. You can leave him and get your kids back, you just have to want it.

Edited by LotusBlack
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't just file.  He'll know because he tracks my every move.  I can't just go to a lawyers office.  I have to just tell him and stand up to him.  That's my only choice.  He's going to lose it like always but I don't know what else to do.  I can't leave.  I have no where to go.  I'm just going to see if he will leave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
4 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I can't just file.  He'll know because he tracks my every move.  I can't just go to a lawyers office.  I have to just tell him and stand up to him.  That's my only choice.  He's going to lose it like always but I don't know what else to do.  I can't leave.  I have no where to go.  I'm just going to see if he will leave.

That makes no sense. You are way more at risk telling him face to face than him following you and having an issue. If you’re that concerned about his reaction then go to the police first. And so what if he tracks your movement to the lawyer? What is he going to do about it? Hide behind a bush and tell you not to go in when you walk by?

You’re making excuses again, as people have told you many times there are resources for women in your position.

Edited by LotusBlack
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I can't just file.  He'll know because he tracks my every move.  I can't just go to a lawyers office.  I have to just tell him and stand up to him.  That's my only choice.  He's going to lose it like always but I don't know what else to do.  I can't leave.  I have no where to go.  I'm just going to see if he will leave.

Did you read any of the advice you were given? You know you can call a domestic abuse hotline and get help. You do have somewhere to go.

He must work, right? So call while he's at work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Even if the police help you to leave . Women or at extreme danger when facing a bully or abuser. I know. My mom‘s best friend was murdered by her husband because she left. You need to plan this strategically and have people help you leave. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, LotusBlack said:

That makes no sense. You are way more at risk telling him than he following you and having an issue. If you’re that concerned about his reaction then go to the police first. And so what if he tracks you movement to the lawyer? What is he going to do about it? Hide behind a bush and tell you not to go in when you walk by? You’re making excuses again, as people have told you many times there are resources for women in your position.

You're right.  I need to just go file and get it over with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You obviously have access to the internet. So look up domestic abuse assistance in your area and call as soon as he leaves to go to work or to the store. They will provide you with help in getting away safely.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

6 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I can't just file.

I can't just go to a lawyers office. 

I can't leave.  

Because you don't want to. You're financially and emotionally dependent on him. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)
3 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

You're right.  I need to just go file and get it over with.

I did say you should go file without confronting him, and I mean that. But I don’t mean for you to just up and leave without a plan in place and the right protections. You need to be careful.

Edited by LotusBlack
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Mommy1995 said:

Yes, I'm listening to what everybody is saying.  Deep down I knew the right thing.  He just makes me think otherwise and I wanted opinions from others since he won't let me have friends to talk to.

He doesn’t make you think anything. You choose how to react. At first I didn’t realize your husband wasn’t the father. She’s scared of him.  Don’t question that. I’d actually be ok if she was just annoyed with him or thought he was too strict.  That can be worked on with communication.  She’s a minor child scared of an adult who likely is also much physically larger than she is. She’s probably going to tell a teacher or social worker at school before too long.  And you’ll have child protective services at your home. They’re not going to want to listen to your excuse of “he made me think “.  He’s not her adoptive father right ? She has a father. Who she’s not scared of.  It’s really kind of horrifying for her to have to be in a home with a man who scares her.  She comes first.  Please stop your excuses and do the right thing. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • kamurj locked this topic
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
 Share


  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Choosing to Trust
      ‘Trust’ is a philosophical choice. We can be cynical, guarded, and awaiting attack. Or open, positive, and hopeful— BUT prepared for all outcomes. Love Advice discusses the pros and cons of both positions.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Why Your Ex Can’t Make Up His Or Her Mind
      Clay Andrews talks about Why Your Ex Can’t Make Up His Mind. After a breakup, it's really confusing when it comes to getting back together, talking to you or even just being in contact with you. It can also be extremely frustrating how your interactions have been good but your ex is insisting that ex can't be friends and withdraws inexplicably. Had a great time spending time together but still your ex can't make up her mind? By the end of this video, Clay shares some IMPORTANT TIPS on how you can deal when your ex can't make up their mind and how to get your ex back.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Everything You Need to Know About Going "No Contact"
      1. Signs That "No Contact" Is Needed, 2. Understanding "No Contact", 3. The Benefits of "No Contact", 4. Strategies to Make "No Contact" Work, 5. What Makes "No Contact" So Hard?, 6. Why You're Struggling to Stay Away.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Signs You Are Hurting Subconsciously
      Do you value having a positive and optimistic perspective of life, no matter how bad things are? Being overly positive and optimistic can be as bad, or even worse, than having a negative approach to something. After all, lying to yourself is very rarely the best way to approach things and it can be detrimental to your mental health. So, if you're not happy or hurting about something, it is important that you acknowledge it instead of repressing and ignoring it.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 7 Habits That Make You Irresistible
      What are some simple habits that make you irresistible to women, men, and everyone? If you want to be a more attractive person, these easy habits will get you there. Confidence is half the battle - at least.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...