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Husband or daughter


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I'll try to make this as short as possible. My husband has an anger issue and my daughter is scared of him so she has chosen not to come back to my house while he's living there. I don't know what to do. She's 13. I feel like I'm having to choose between my husband and my daughter. I need advice!!...

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I have contacted a help line and got some resources.

It wouldn’t even be a matter of her feeling like you chose your abusive a-hole husband, you are choosing and have chosen him. Your daughter is frightened and gone. Your husband is happy he got what he

Well, after going through the entire thread, the answer to your question "husband or daughter (kids)?" is clearly:  Husband. You are choosing the put your toxic, abusive husband over and above the wel

47 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

My husband has an anger issue and my daughter is scared of him so she has chosen not to come back to my house while he's living there. She's 13. 

Unfortunately, your daughter is correct. She needs to stay with her father. She has the right to an abuse free environment, even if you choose an abuser for yourself. 

No one has "an anger problem". You know he's abusive. read up on abusive relationships. See a therapist privately and confidentially. 

Hopefully you will lose custody and only have supervised visitation until you get your affairs and your home in order.

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I’m assuming your husband can look after himself as an adult. Your daughter at 13 cannot. From the day she was born your dedication should be protecting her. It is easy if your husband is abusing your child he goes . 

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Wow Op. I think I need more info.  like why is your hubs so angry? and why is it ok for him to not control his temper? He is the adult here, no? What are you doing in this? Has he always had a temper?

I think at the end of the day it comes down to this...

You chose this man. Your daughter did not.  As the adult and the mother of a minor child your number one responsibility is to protect and care for the child you chose to have. 

Your husband is an adult. Why is he such a bully to a little girl? He needs to fix himself.  You can't make him.

But you should do better by your daughter. Or don't be surprised when she leaves you for good and refuses to allow you around future grandkids.

It's a big deal she doesn't feel safe in your house. And its a shame you don't have the backbone or the right priorities to know what the right things are.

Frankly, I don't understand a parent that chooses an abusive parent over a helpless child. 

Where is your child living? She must be so traumatized and feel so alone.  We only get one mother.  Very impactful on life, when she doesn't pick us.

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Posted (edited)

There is no choice. Your daughter is your responsibility, priority, and should be your focus. She is still so young and at a transitional age in her life where she needs real guidance and support as she grows and develops. You are her mother and your husband is the one with a serious issue, so he is the one that should leave and sort himself out (not your daughter)

I genuinely recommend you seek professional counselling to address why you feel there is any other option here but to support your daughter and take care of her. It should never even enter your mind as an option that you should place your husband above your young child, especially when she isn’t doing anything wrong and your husband is. 

Edited by LotusBlack
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Your daughter would be more important in this situation. Your husband is an adult who can sort himself out, but your daughter is a minor. 

I'm 14 (close to your daughter's age) and I will say this with my point of view: I would rather have a mother stick with me rather then having my mom siding with my father (just for here, not in real life.)

Be the mother your daughter needs.

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She's currently staying with her father.  My husband is not her father.  He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says he can change but I think the damage is already done with my daughter.  I don't think she'll ever want to be around him again.  I do want her to be in a safe place where she feels safe.  My husband puts these things in my head and makes me feel like he's the important one and she's just a kid and is making a big deal out of nothing.  He says our marriage is the important thing and that one day she'll just get over it.

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4 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

She's currently staying with her father.  My husband is not her father.  He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says he can change but I think the damage is already done with my daughter.  I don't think she'll ever want to be around him again.  I do want her to be in a safe place where she feels safe.  My husband puts these things in my head and makes me feel like he's the important one and she's just a kid and is making a big deal out of nothing.  He says our marriage is the important thing and that one day she'll just get over it.

If he is abusing you he IS abusing her. Watching your parent be abused IS abuse to a child. Unless you want to lose rights to your child I would leave. 

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7 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says our marriage is the important thing and that one day she'll just get over it.

That is abuse. You are abusing your own 13 year old child by allowing  her to feel fear and terror and witness violence. Why can't you leave? 

Hopefully  her father and the rest of her adult relatives will come to her aid and you will never see her again so you can be a punching bag for an ahole, by your own choice

 

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Posted (edited)
18 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

She's currently staying with her father.  My husband is not her father.  He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says he can change but I think the damage is already done with my daughter.  I don't think she'll ever want to be around him again.  I do want her to be in a safe place where she feels safe.  My husband puts these things in my head and makes me feel like he's the important one and she's just a kid and is making a big deal out of nothing.  He says our marriage is the important thing and that one day she'll just get over it.

An abusive relationship can be very very hard to extricate yourself from emotionally. No one thinks it comes without challenges even if the victim wants to leave. But you and your daughter deserve much better and just because something feels hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t still do it. Threatening and guilting you with your marriage being important is something you will have to overcome and recognise it as being a form of control that abusers often use.

Please do your best to get yourself out of this situation. Right now your daughter is safer at her father’s house and should remain there until being with you is safe again (which it won’t be unless and until your husband is gone from your life completely). At the end of your life you need to be happy with the choices you made and how you lived your life. Forsaking your daughter for this disgusting “man” who will never make you truly happy or be a good person is not the choice you want to end up suffering the consequences from down the road when you’re alone and your daughter wants nothing to do with you. And I wouldn’t blame her.

You need to leave this toxic, abusive relationship. Your responsibility is to yourself and your daughter. If you cannot do that, then give full custody to your daughter’s husband, as he will see to it that she is safe and protected.

Edited by LotusBlack
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You need to leave or have him leave. This is a wake up call for you on the state of your relationship. You may not want to acknowledge it but you'll have to. Pull off those blinders and snap out of the inertia and mind fog. 

I don't think your daughter should move back in with your partner or you. 

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Posted (edited)

Wow!   You have to ask!   You choose your daughter! 

Why has his anger been okay for you?

Your daughter should live elsewhere, as this is a dangerous environment.  

 

Edited by Hollyj
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Posted (edited)
41 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

She's currently staying with her father.  My husband is not her father.  He has been abusive to me but not to her but she's seen him be abusive to me.  He says he can change but I think the damage is already done with my daughter.  I don't think she'll ever want to be around him again.  I do want her to be in a safe place where she feels safe.  My husband puts these things in my head and makes me feel like he's the important one and she's just a kid and is making a big deal out of nothing.  He says our marriage is the important thing and that one day she'll just get over it.

Nope.  

Why are you staying with this guy?

Edited by Hollyj
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Be prepared for your daughter's father to file for full custody.  You should not be able to have your daughter visit as long as you choose to be with a man who abuses you.

Why do you want to be with this abuser? Never mind about the usual excuses about how wonderful he was "in the beginning" or how he has "many lovely qualities" or how he's not ALWAYS abusive or my personal favorite, "but I LOVE him!!!!!!111" What's the real reason you choose to be with a man who abuses you and frightens your child?

Please allow your daughter to remain with her father. And if you ever do choose to leave the abuser please attend intensive counseling to understand why you chose to be with a man who abuses you.

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Just now, Mommy1995 said:

I think I stay with him because he makes me believe everything is ok and it's may fault and he will change.  

He can't make you believe anything.

For some reason you want to believe his lies.

Please just allow your daughter to stay with her father full time since you seem to want to stay with this abusive man. And do not try to get her to visit you in your home. See her in public only.  And do NOT allow your abuser to be anywhere near her.

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2 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I think I stay with him because he makes me believe everything is ok and it's my fault and he will change.  

Your lost your 13 year old child and you believe "everything is ok"?

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7 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Wow!   You have to ask!   You choose your daughter! 

Why has his anger been okay for you?

Your daughter should live elsewhere, as this is a dangerous environment.  

 

Yes, I had to ask because according to my husband, I should stay with him and let her just get over it.  He makes me feel like it's ok for her to feel this way.  He has a way of making me believe these things.  He's very manipulative.

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Well no , it’s not OK for you to be abused and no it’s not OK for her to be abused. Get in touch with the local women’s shelter and make a plan to leave. You could lose your daughter for good at this age she can decide whether she wants to see you or not. And she may feel you chose an abusive jerk over her and you may never see her again. 

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Posted (edited)
6 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

Yes, I had to ask because according to my husband, I should stay with him and let her just get over it.  He makes me feel like it's ok for her to feel this way.  He has a way of making me believe these things.  He's very manipulative.

Your daughter will not forgive you for this.   I don't understand why you would believe him.  Have you reached out to an abuse hotline?   Do your family members know what is going on?

I don't understand your thinking.  

Edited by Hollyj
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He also thinks that we can "fix" things with her.  I've tried to talk to her several times and tell her he's sorry but she still doesn't want to be around him.  

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10 minutes ago, Mommy1995 said:

I think I stay with him because he makes me believe everything is ok and it's my fault and he will change.  

How many times does he have to show you he will change.   You have gotten to the point of losing your child.  Wake up!

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1 minute ago, Mommy1995 said:

He also thinks that we can "fix" things with her.  I've tried to talk to her several times and tell her he's sorry but she still doesn't want to be around him.  

Are you listening to what anyone is saying?

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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

Are you listening to what anyone is saying?

Yes, I'm listening to what everybody is saying.  Deep down I knew the right thing.  He just makes me think otherwise and I wanted opinions from others since he won't let me have friends to talk to.

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