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Need advice - should I break this off before its too late?


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Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year now. Things did move very fast and we are now living together and engaged. He is lovely but there are certain aspects that make me worry and I need somewhere to voice them. Covid has meant that we are together almost 24/7 and I don't have anyone else to really talk through these issues with and I'm worried I'll come across as moaning and whining to my friends.

He is an entrepreneur and I understand that this is stressful but he tends to take out all his stress and anxiety on me. He can sometimes be very hurtful and I'm never sure he realises the extent of the hurt he causes as he always seems to brush it off with excuses about how I don't understand what he has to go through on a daily basis etc. He constantly criticises e.g 'why are you always in leggings?' 'feels like you don't make an effort' I am 5'2, petite and slim. I exercise everyday and I know my worth. Yes I am in leggings most days as there's not much of an opportunity to dress up (covid) and I find them comfortable for working from home. He on the other hand is overweight and complains about this constantly yet does nothing to change it. He has lost his temper with me in the past for eating too much and therefore making him fat.

He tends to have super highs and super lows and I constantly find myself having to console him. He's just always miserable and wants to sleep. He complains about how hard he works but to be honest with you, I am the one working late until the night to support us as he is broke. He gets angry if I take on more work after working hours yet I pay the rent and the majority of our expenses. He always says that its his company's success that will give us the 'dream life' but I am pretty sure that I could give myself everything and all I ever wanted by myself and through my own career. 

He seems to also expect me to clean up after him. I am exhausted and it's bringing me down. I have tried talking to him about this but he gets very defensive and we end up in a big fight. Then he tries to make amends by saying its because he is so stressed. He chose this journey of setting up his own company and I don't believe the stress will ever go away. I am just exhausted, I find myself wishing he would just go away for the day so I can have some time to myself and to breathe.

Any advice?

 

Thank you

 

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2 hours ago, mikroula said:

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year now. Things did move very fast and we are now living together and engaged. He is lovely but there are certain aspects that make me worry and I need somewhere to voice them. Covid has meant that we are together almost 24/7 and I don't have anyone else to really talk through these issues with and I'm worried I'll come across as moaning and whining to my friends.

He is an entrepreneur and I understand that this is stressful but he tends to take out all his stress and anxiety on me. He can sometimes be very hurtful and I'm never sure he realises the extent of the hurt he causes as he always seems to brush it off with excuses about how I don't understand what he has to go through on a daily basis etc. He constantly criticises e.g 'why are you always in leggings?' 'feels like you don't make an effort' I am 5'2, petite and slim. I exercise everyday and I know my worth. Yes I am in leggings most days as there's not much of an opportunity to dress up (covid) and I find them comfortable for working from home. He on the other hand is overweight and complains about this constantly yet does nothing to change it. He has lost his temper with me in the past for eating too much and therefore making him fat.

He tends to have super highs and super lows and I constantly find myself having to console him. He's just always miserable and wants to sleep. He complains about how hard he works but to be honest with you, I am the one working late until the night to support us as he is broke. He gets angry if I take on more work after working hours yet I pay the rent and the majority of our expenses. He always says that its his company's success that will give us the 'dream life' but I am pretty sure that I could give myself everything and all I ever wanted by myself and through my own career. 

He seems to also expect me to clean up after him. I am exhausted and it's bringing me down. I have tried talking to him about this but he gets very defensive and we end up in a big fight. Then he tries to make amends by saying its because he is so stressed. He chose this journey of setting up his own company and I don't believe the stress will ever go away. I am just exhausted, I find myself wishing he would just go away for the day so I can have some time to myself and to breathe.

Any advice?

 

Thank you

 

Where did you live before? Talk to trusted friends and family.

You're in an abusive relationship.

All the red flags are there. Excessively quick involvement, controlling your clothes, expecting servitude,ect., etc.

Read up on abusive relationships. Luckily it's only a year and you can move out.

Please ignore snotty dismissive "advice". There are people who can help you. Start with telling trusted friends and family the truth about things.

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There is no way I would marry this guy.

You two sound as though you moved too quickly and made big commitments without really knowing each other very well. You're learning that he's a jerk. 

Personally, I would cut my losses and end this. If it's this bad after only a year together, imagine being this oaf's wife. 

 

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The comments about dress and criticisms are completely wrong and mentally/emotionally abusive. He seems delusional and suffering from personal issues and mood swings that have nothing to do with your relationship also. 

It won't get better. Whatever you're going through as a couple, it will not get better with marriage.

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You don't say one positive thing about him, so I don't know why you need advice. Of course you're miserable with this treatment. Apparently, you made the decision to move in together during the honeymoon phase, but that phase is never reality. Now is the reality. 

Break up. Divide your households. Learn from this experience. Know a guy a lot longer before moving in together, because it's harder to end things when you're sharing a place.

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8 hours ago, mikroula said:

He is an entrepreneur and I understand that this is stressful but he tends to take out all his stress and anxiety on me. He can sometimes be very hurtful and I'm never sure he realises the extent of the hurt he causes as he always seems to brush it off with excuses about how I don't understand what he has to go through on a daily basis etc.

- Then why is he doing it?

 

8 hours ago, mikroula said:

He on the other hand is overweight and complains about this constantly yet does nothing to change it. He has lost his temper with me in the past for eating too much and therefore making him fat.

- Oh, so is your fault?  Geez..

8 hours ago, mikroula said:

He gets angry if I take on more work after working hours yet I pay the rent and the majority of our expenses. He always says that its his company's success that will give us the 'dream life' but I am pretty sure that I could give myself everything and all I ever wanted by myself and through my own career. 

Then do that.  Get out & do things on your own.  Why stay there?

You've only been involved a year.. He is miserable & making you the same way.

 

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OK this guy isn't treating you bad because of his career choice/stress/covid.....he is probably suffering from a disorder, like bi-polar. The highs and lows, the criticism, you walking on eggshells, worried when he's gonna lose it again....been there. If it were me I would get out of there as fast as I could.

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He doesn't sound good at all and you don't sound happy. It sounds like you rushed the whole thing and now you're starting to see the real him. What was the reason to get engaged so fast if you don't even feel happy being with him? I understand living together maybe due to COVID but I think you shouldn't have gotten engaged unless you 100% know someone is the right person. Even if this guy is really stressed or has mental illness, it's still not an excuse to be emotionally abusive to you. It's perfectly acceptable to be in leggings if you're in COVID lockdown and you're working from home. Why should you dress up? When I was in lockdown I actually only wore pyjamas. At least leggings are a step up lol

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Seems like he may need some internal work to do on himself and some patience on your end. Maybe before making a major decision like getting married... take a few months apart and see if this is really what you guys want for each other. Not a break up, but some time to focus on yourselves. 

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3 minutes ago, _Diasies said:

some patience on your end.  Not a break up, but some time to focus on yourselves. 

Abusive relationships require permanent termination, not patience and breaks.

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12 hours ago, _Diasies said:

Seems like he may need some internal work to do on himself and some patience on your end. Maybe before making a major decision like getting married... take a few months apart and see if this is really what you guys want for each other. Not a break up, but some time to focus on yourselves. 

The guy is abusive and treats her like garbage.  They need a permanent break!

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