Jump to content

Need advice - should I break this off before its too late?


Recommended Posts

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year now. Things did move very fast and we are now living together and engaged. He is lovely but there are certain aspects that make me worry and I need somewhere to voice them. Covid has meant that we are together almost 24/7 and I don't have anyone else to really talk through these issues with and I'm worried I'll come across as moaning and whining to my friends.

He is an entrepreneur and I understand that this is stressful but he tends to take out all his stress and anxiety on me. He can sometimes be very hurtful and I'm never sure he realises the extent of the hurt he causes as he always seems to brush it off with excuses about how I don't understand what he has to go through on a daily basis etc. He constantly criticises e.g 'why are you always in leggings?' 'feels like you don't make an effort' I am 5'2, petite and slim. I exercise everyday and I know my worth. Yes I am in leggings most days as there's not much of an opportunity to dress up (covid) and I find them comfortable for working from home. He on the other hand is overweight and complains about this constantly yet does nothing to change it. He has lost his temper with me in the past for eating too much and therefore making him fat.

He tends to have super highs and super lows and I constantly find myself having to console him. He's just always miserable and wants to sleep. He complains about how hard he works but to be honest with you, I am the one working late until the night to support us as he is broke. He gets angry if I take on more work after working hours yet I pay the rent and the majority of our expenses. He always says that its his company's success that will give us the 'dream life' but I am pretty sure that I could give myself everything and all I ever wanted by myself and through my own career. 

He seems to also expect me to clean up after him. I am exhausted and it's bringing me down. I have tried talking to him about this but he gets very defensive and we end up in a big fight. Then he tries to make amends by saying its because he is so stressed. He chose this journey of setting up his own company and I don't believe the stress will ever go away. I am just exhausted, I find myself wishing he would just go away for the day so I can have some time to myself and to breathe.

Any advice?

 

Thank you

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, mikroula said:

Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

I have been in a relationship with a man for a year now. Things did move very fast and we are now living together and engaged. He is lovely but there are certain aspects that make me worry and I need somewhere to voice them. Covid has meant that we are together almost 24/7 and I don't have anyone else to really talk through these issues with and I'm worried I'll come across as moaning and whining to my friends.

He is an entrepreneur and I understand that this is stressful but he tends to take out all his stress and anxiety on me. He can sometimes be very hurtful and I'm never sure he realises the extent of the hurt he causes as he always seems to brush it off with excuses about how I don't understand what he has to go through on a daily basis etc. He constantly criticises e.g 'why are you always in leggings?' 'feels like you don't make an effort' I am 5'2, petite and slim. I exercise everyday and I know my worth. Yes I am in leggings most days as there's not much of an opportunity to dress up (covid) and I find them comfortable for working from home. He on the other hand is overweight and complains about this constantly yet does nothing to change it. He has lost his temper with me in the past for eating too much and therefore making him fat.

He tends to have super highs and super lows and I constantly find myself having to console him. He's just always miserable and wants to sleep. He complains about how hard he works but to be honest with you, I am the one working late until the night to support us as he is broke. He gets angry if I take on more work after working hours yet I pay the rent and the majority of our expenses. He always says that its his company's success that will give us the 'dream life' but I am pretty sure that I could give myself everything and all I ever wanted by myself and through my own career. 

He seems to also expect me to clean up after him. I am exhausted and it's bringing me down. I have tried talking to him about this but he gets very defensive and we end up in a big fight. Then he tries to make amends by saying its because he is so stressed. He chose this journey of setting up his own company and I don't believe the stress will ever go away. I am just exhausted, I find myself wishing he would just go away for the day so I can have some time to myself and to breathe.

Any advice?

 

Thank you

 

Where did you live before? Talk to trusted friends and family.

You're in an abusive relationship.

All the red flags are there. Excessively quick involvement, controlling your clothes, expecting servitude,ect., etc.

Read up on abusive relationships. Luckily it's only a year and you can move out.

Please ignore snotty dismissive "advice". There are people who can help you. Start with telling trusted friends and family the truth about things.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is no way I would marry this guy.

You two sound as though you moved too quickly and made big commitments without really knowing each other very well. You're learning that he's a jerk. 

Personally, I would cut my losses and end this. If it's this bad after only a year together, imagine being this oaf's wife. 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The comments about dress and criticisms are completely wrong and mentally/emotionally abusive. He seems delusional and suffering from personal issues and mood swings that have nothing to do with your relationship also. 

It won't get better. Whatever you're going through as a couple, it will not get better with marriage.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You don't say one positive thing about him, so I don't know why you need advice. Of course you're miserable with this treatment. Apparently, you made the decision to move in together during the honeymoon phase, but that phase is never reality. Now is the reality. 

Break up. Divide your households. Learn from this experience. Know a guy a lot longer before moving in together, because it's harder to end things when you're sharing a place.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, mikroula said:

He is an entrepreneur and I understand that this is stressful but he tends to take out all his stress and anxiety on me. He can sometimes be very hurtful and I'm never sure he realises the extent of the hurt he causes as he always seems to brush it off with excuses about how I don't understand what he has to go through on a daily basis etc.

- Then why is he doing it?

 

8 hours ago, mikroula said:

He on the other hand is overweight and complains about this constantly yet does nothing to change it. He has lost his temper with me in the past for eating too much and therefore making him fat.

- Oh, so is your fault?  Geez..

8 hours ago, mikroula said:

He gets angry if I take on more work after working hours yet I pay the rent and the majority of our expenses. He always says that its his company's success that will give us the 'dream life' but I am pretty sure that I could give myself everything and all I ever wanted by myself and through my own career. 

Then do that.  Get out & do things on your own.  Why stay there?

You've only been involved a year.. He is miserable & making you the same way.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

OK this guy isn't treating you bad because of his career choice/stress/covid.....he is probably suffering from a disorder, like bi-polar. The highs and lows, the criticism, you walking on eggshells, worried when he's gonna lose it again....been there. If it were me I would get out of there as fast as I could.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He doesn't sound good at all and you don't sound happy. It sounds like you rushed the whole thing and now you're starting to see the real him. What was the reason to get engaged so fast if you don't even feel happy being with him? I understand living together maybe due to COVID but I think you shouldn't have gotten engaged unless you 100% know someone is the right person. Even if this guy is really stressed or has mental illness, it's still not an excuse to be emotionally abusive to you. It's perfectly acceptable to be in leggings if you're in COVID lockdown and you're working from home. Why should you dress up? When I was in lockdown I actually only wore pyjamas. At least leggings are a step up lol

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Seems like he may need some internal work to do on himself and some patience on your end. Maybe before making a major decision like getting married... take a few months apart and see if this is really what you guys want for each other. Not a break up, but some time to focus on yourselves. 

  • Confused 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, _Diasies said:

Seems like he may need some internal work to do on himself and some patience on your end. Maybe before making a major decision like getting married... take a few months apart and see if this is really what you guys want for each other. Not a break up, but some time to focus on yourselves. 

The guy is abusive and treats her like garbage.  They need a permanent break!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes you should leave him. The irratic/angry behavior, the taking his stress out on you and being lazy and careless leaving you to pick up after him will never end and you'll grow to resent it so much. I've been there 😬

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To be honest I’m scared, scared of leaving and scared of the implications. We’ve had fight after fight this week and usually because he has these demands on me that I just can’t see his point on. I.e we had a fight because i didn’t want to sit in the kitchen with him while it was his turn to cook. I was just so dog tired I wanted to sit on the sofa and just chill. He got upset and started saying how it feels he’s my maid ( even though I always do the clearing regardless who cooks ) and how I take the fun out of him doing stuff for me. Then another fight was because he made breakfast and I was 2 minutes late coming downstairs after he told me to ( I was getting dressed) . Just the thought of living life within his time frames and rules and regulations is exhausting. 
It literally feels like if I colour outside the lines all hell will break lose. 
I’ve even told him I think we need to call time and he brings in the awkwardness and embarrassment of having to tell family and friends. He has even brought the ‘what will the neighbours think?’ 
 

I’m just so tired and I’m miserable and I’m worried I’m at fault for not trying hard enough or being selfish by not trying to be considerate of his need for structure and rules.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, mikroula said:

scared of leaving and scared of the implications

What implications? Do you feel you are in danger? 

1 minute ago, mikroula said:

I’ve even told him I think we need to call time and he brings in the awkwardness and embarrassment of having to tell family and friends. He has even brought the ‘what will the neighbours think?’ 

The neighbours don't give a fig about your relationship. 

And if your friends and family knew the truth about how he mistreats you, they would be glad you left him. You don't need his endorsement to break up with him. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Scared of implications of what would it mean in regards to living situation. I pay the rent and I pay 80% of the bills. Most of the furniture is mine. I would want to stay but I’m worried he won’t like that ( he has another residence in London which he could move back to) I’m worried he will kick up a fuss and I will end up having to go through all the hassle and cost of relocating either back to London or elsewhere. I know it sounds absurd that I’m worried about this but this is his county where most of his friends and family live, I love it here but I’m worried that I will be made to feel as if I’m trying to be part of something I’m not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, mikroula said:

I pay the rent and I pay 80% of the bills. Most of the furniture is mine. I would want to stay but I’m worried he won’t like that ( he has another residence in London which he could move back to) I’m worried he will kick up a fuss and I will end up having to go through all the hassle and cost of relocating either back to London or elsewhere

Whose name is on the lease? 

And yes, he will kick up a fuss. You can be sure of that. But it's all noise meant to distract you from his crappy behaviour. 

You need to evaluate what is worse: his temper tantrum about breaking up, or a lifetime of abusive behaviour from him?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Both our names but I pay the full rent. I also paid the deposit. In the midst of the argument last night he said there would be implications due to the fact both our names are on the lease but I’m sure households break up and change all the time and amending the name to just mine wouldn’t be the end of the world? Would it? Or am I being naive about the legalities regarding the subject?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, mikroula said:

 I’m sure households break up and change all the time and amending the name to just mine wouldn’t be the end of the world? Would it? Or am I being naive about the legalities regarding the subject?

You need to speak to the landlord about that. 

Stop believing everything this man tells you, and get informed directly from the source. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

54 minutes ago, mikroula said:

Just the thought of living life within his time frames and rules and regulations is exhausting. 

You're not married, so walk out the door. Nothing to be "scared of".

Talk to trusted friends and family. Not a laundry list of complaints (but remain and living there), but about an exit strategy.

 Do not threaten to leave. Do not engage his petty fights (just say ok, whatever, etc.). Just focus on an exit plan. Do Not tell him you are leaving. Pack up your stuff and just go.

If it feels like a prison, your free to go at any time..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can’t just leave! That’s why I’l feel so trapped! I have no family in the UK. Everyone loves abroad. This is my home! I pay for it, I furnished it why should I leave? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You should not have to just leave. But what if he refuses to leave? You need to have a plan in place.

You may end up having to move elsewhere.  That would be better than giving up and staying with him forever. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, mikroula said:

Scared of implications of what would it mean in regards to living situation. I pay the rent and I pay 80% of the bills. Most of the furniture is mine. I would want to stay but I’m worried he won’t like that ( he has another residence in London which he could move back to) I’m worried he will kick up a fuss and I will end up having to go through all the hassle and cost of relocating either back to London or elsewhere. I know it sounds absurd that I’m worried about this but this is his county where most of his friends and family live, I love it here but I’m worried that I will be made to feel as if I’m trying to be part of something I’m not.

I think you are making a lot of excuses.   Just end it already.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...