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Please Help, my partner is hiding porn again. What's my next step?


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My partner (M55) and I (F53) met 4 ½ years ago. After 3 month of dating I wanted to end the relationship as he hardly expressed any affection. He is very generous buy buying things, dinners and providing in general but he never looks into my eyes, ask questions, shows an interest in my work or projects, answers only with yes or no and doesn't strings more then four sentences together – and still doesn't when he is with me.


After the mentioned 3 month he told me when I wanted to break up with him that he would love me.

So I continued the relationship and thought that it was my fault when things weren't right.

 

There was an incident when he was starring at other women but never told me that he found me attractive, When I spoke to him about it he said that he always noticed other women and that he wouldn't be with me if he wouldn't find me attractive.

Somehow I started to feel insecure and upset and it went so far that I went to my GP and got anti-depressions which had a kind of “kiss my a**” effect.

I had quite a few very unpleasant experiences in the past regarding unfaithfulness with previous partners, which also emotional and physically abused me.

 

Afterwards things developed positive and after 9 month we moved in together.

By then I told him about my life, at least most of it but stopped when he didn't shown an interest. He never told me anything about him out of himself but answered short when I asked. I still don't know much about him.

 

During that time I found out that he was quite a bit into pornography. I addressed it and explained that I can't except it and that our relationship is still young and we could go separate ways if needed.

He didn't want me to leave and promised he would step back from it. Half a year later, or so, I found out that he was reading on sex websites. When I confronted him he said that he wasn't aware reading on pornographic websites would be the same. I expressed my feelings again and mentioned I feel disrespected as he had broken his promise.

He said he now realises what kind of impact it has on me, that he is very sorry and it won't happen again.

Another year and a half went by and everything seemed to developed into a good relationship and haven't had another incident.

After 2 years we got engaged and he bought a house in a little village, a dream we both had.

I have to mention that he is working over seas, a few weeks home and nearly the same amount of time away.

Last summer I've seen on an online magazine app that he looked again at porno graphical magazines. Who is actually looking at magazines these day's when there are so many live websites?

I asked him about it after he returned from his work trip. He said that he needed something while he was away and an explanation followed another. I told him that I wouldn't get married if it doesn't stop. Also I have to mentioned that he looked at undressed women.

Suddenly he became a very loving, more then usual and a very caring partner and I was very happy and even haven't had any doubts. We were planning on getting married but Covid delayed it.

Now he is at work again, over seas and probably for another 10 days.

In the night from Saturday to Sunday I suddenly woke up, couldn't go back to sleep and started to read some craft magazines. The online magazine account is shared and synchronised. I found a hidden away magazine he just had downloaded and read -and this time it was pornography that only shows men.

I know I cant go on like this and feel extremely disappointed, hurt and sad and I would be very grateful for some advice how to handle this situation.

 

I can not just leave as I haven't got the financial backing and it have been 4 years of our lives. Also I haven't got really anybody to go to. It's not easy to just let go and meanwhile I'm asking myself if he might struggle with something far deeper.

Many thanks in advance and I hope everybody is well in these uncertain times!

 

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3 hours ago, ItsJustMe7 said:

  he bought a house in a little village, .

I have to mention that he is working over seas, a few weeks home and nearly the same amount of time away.

It seems like a relationship of convenience. After nearly half a decade together, you know who he is and what he's like.

You're living in your 'dreamhouse' and have it all to yourself half of the time.

You already know he's not affectionate. Policing his porn and masterbation habits isn't going to turn him into Mr romantic.

You can move out or enjoy what works and open the relationship so you can find a lover.

 

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4 hours ago, ItsJustMe7 said:

I can not just leave as I haven't got the financial backing and it have been 4 years of our lives. Also I haven't got really anybody to go to. It's not easy to just let go

If you don't feel you can leave, then you had better get used to the idea that he is not the man you want him to be. 

He's not an affectionate man. He's a man who likes porn. He's a man who also appears to be sexually attracted to other men. 

You've wanted for a long time to believe he can change, but he's showing you that he hasn't. This is who he is. Can you live with that? Because if not (and it would be understandable) then you have don't have many options but to start planning how to move on without him. 

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Where did you live before you met this guy?

You dumped him in the beginning. He has shown you time and again that he is not trust worthy.  I don't understand moving in and getting engaged.  This sounds like a miserable relationship.  

You do not stay with someone due to time invested.  Do you actually desire a lifetime of this mess, as this is who he is-has shown you all along.  

You should get yourself tested.

 

Edited by Hollyj
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Agree with what others have said.  He really needs to find a support group for his addiction, but the problem is deeper.  If he shows you no affection, you're like roommates.  Do you have sex? Even if you do, do you think he's thinking about other women instead of focusing on you? You need to become independent and get out.  You've expressed your feelings repeatedly and he does the same things.  The only possible (weak) defense he has is he's gone days on end and men think about sex a lot.  In that respect, I get it.  Still, he's in his 50's and sex drive declines beginning in our 40's, unfortunately.  I'd venture a guess you barely have sex.  Is this the life you want? It's not too late since you're not married yet.

Edited by Atlguy
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So you're 53, have no savings and have no job? Have you jumped from man to man and been supported by them all along? Yes--not good to have to solely rely on someone else to have a roof over your head. 

Find a job and when you get enough for a deposit and a few month's rent,  rent a cheap room from someone. You have a hot more problems than this man if you haven't financially planned for your livelihood and retirement.

Edited by Andrina
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Not sure why you'd move in with some guy who was purely 'lacking; in affection etc... and where things remained rocky between you? - Shows no stability 😕 

As for his porn, is probably something he turned to, with being away at his job for so long.  Porn is a normal kind of interest for many. - But, it affected you.

But, I don't see how it would affect any true interest in you?  It more sounds like he just has an inability to truly 'show' his affection. - which affected you.

Sounds like you are just not happy at all with this guy.... should not have moved in with him, expecting him to improve at all, when you were aware of his issue's .

Time to get out of this.. and maybe focus on your own issue's - If you are affected by porn use and previous abusive partners...etc.

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Actually, porn can (if watched too much) can rewire your brain and make you less interested in sex.  He needs to find a porn addiction group.  They do exist.  Of course he can only do this if HE thinks its a problem.  Otherwise he won't do it.  But if your affection needs aren't getting met, you should leave regardless.  

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When respect is no longer being served, it's time to leave.

This man has shown you repeatedly that he does not respect you. You point it out and he will change, but only for a short time to get you to stay. That kind of behavior is no different than fooling you, but it's not his true feelings.

If he truly felt sorry and if he truly loved you, he wouldn't revert back to behaving in ways he knows hurts you.

There is nothing wrong with him, other than he simply has little respect and treats you badly and he doesn't seem to care.

You have to stop excusing it or making up excuses for his poor behavior.

It's not ever going to change. You'll keep going through this same kind of cycle over and over. But each time it will break your heart a little bit more.

You are the only one who can leave a situation in which you are feeling hurt and pain time and again.

If you have no where to go, you can change that situation by finding work, saving up money and then leaving.

But don't stay and accept low standard treatment for a lifetime because you feel stuck or because you don't want to be alone.

This man is never going to love you or treat you right. It's pathetic behavior to be honest, and it will only get worse.

I hope you find the strength and the will to leave, he doesn't deserve you.

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8 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

Actually, porn can (if watched too much) can rewire your brain and make you less interested in sex.  He needs to find a porn addiction group.  They do exist.  Of course he can only do this if HE thinks its a problem.  Otherwise he won't do it.  But if your affection needs aren't getting met, you should leave regardless.  

That or he's just the type of man who can't keep his eyes to himself and has zero respect. 

Women get tired of excusing this kind of behavior over and over and trying to find reasons.

Life is too short.

Men know the difference between shutting it off and not. It's a simple flick of the switch. Most just plain don't want to stop.

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1 minute ago, SherrySher said:

That or he's just the type of man who can't keep his eyes to himself and has zero respect. 

Women get tired of excusing this kind of behavior over and over and trying to find reasons.

Life is too short.

Men know the difference between shutting it off and not. It's a simple flick of the switch. Most just plain don't want to stop.

Not being able to keep your eyes to yourself is highly disrespectful and even worse IMO.  I agree with you.

Porn isn't a simple flick of a switch and may require support group.  At the very least he should find a men's group.  They exist, though hard to find.  The Mankind Project comes to mind, which I'm a member of.

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Just now, Atlguy said:

Not being able to keep your eyes to yourself is highly disrespectful and even worse IMO.  I agree with you.

Porn isn't a simple flick of a switch and may require support group.  At the very least he should find a men's group.  They exist, though hard to find.  The Mankind Project comes to mind, which I'm a member of.

I'll just say that I have never been addicted to porn, so I am out of my depth when it comes to how badly it can affect someone.

But it can potentially cause a massive amount of hurt and pain to women who don't want this kind of stuff to occur in their relationship. The porn industry has damaged so many relationships. It really is a damn shame.

I respect that you acknowledged it and are getting help. I hope it works for you.

 

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And OP, if this man does actually have a porn addiction, he should be seeking help asap.

If he refuses to, it only shows how little he cares.

But to be honest, how he treats you is far worse (imo) then just porn. He has disrespected you in more ways than just one.

You need to leave. 

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This is who he is and it's either acceptable to your or it's not.

If it's acceptable, then enjoy the financial and material benefits and accept your relationship with him as is. I'd urge to insist on condoms as there may be more than just porn going on while he travels. Basically, treat this as a business arrangement that it is.

If it's not acceptable to you, then you need to start looking for a job and taking care of your finances so you can actually leave him.

You need to decide one way or the other and live accordingly.

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