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My GF goes to extreme measures to hide me from her friends and family


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As the title suggests, my gf(F22/M19) has some sort of commitment issues per say. She has done things which I would consider a bit extreme or unnecessary to hide our relationship from her friends and family. She refrains from posting me on any social media and refers to me as her “friend” whenever her friends or family ask who I am. In contrast, my close friends and family know who she is and how long we’ve been together. Whenever I bring this up she just changes the topic or tells me to get over it.

Going back to the unnecessary things she’s done to hide me, she’ll often lie about who/what/where if it involves me and she does this absolutely stupid thing where she’ll change her phone wallpaper constantly so that when I’m with her it’s us, but when she's out and about it’ll be something else like her dog so that even by chance nobody finds out about me. Same goes for any comments I might make on social media, she’ll just delete them so nobody can see what I wrote on her posts.

Every time I have brought this issue up she has just refrained from talking about it, and makes it seem like it’s not that big of a deal. But I don’t get why she needs to hide me and do all this childish stuff that I’ve mentioned. I mean we’re adults about to graduate college and this entire scenario makes it seem like a high school drama.

On my side I feel she’s either embarrassed or ashamed of me to tell people we’re together, or she’s talking to other people and wants to make sure they don’t stop if they know she’s committed. Either way, I feel unappreciated and neglected often and feel like our entire relationship is just me putting in a lot more effort and care than her. Is it common for people to keep their SO so hidden from their circle?

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I think every relationship is different, some would rather keep their relationships more private vs. others. I don't think this is the case though. It's not even just her circle, she's literally hiding you from everyone. This could be for numerous reasons, either she has commitment issues and is paranoid of other people knowing about her relationship, is afraid of how everyone else may judge her or look at her relationship, or she's cheating. Either way, she definitely doesn't need to date anyone. If she's so worried about how others may feel about her relationship, she needs to work on that and not bring other people into the equation knowing that she isn't willing to work on that issue. And if she cares so much about what her circle may think of you, then she should just date someone who conforms to what her circle would like (not saying she should do that, but she shouldn't date someone that they may judge). I just don't see why she would try to date you under any circumstances when she would go so far to do this. She's also gaslighted you by claiming that it's not a big deal, and never giving you a direct answer for it. It is most definitely a big deal, in fact she's the only one making it a big deal. Nobody hides this partner this much, everyone deserves to be loved loudly. It just sounds like she's projecting her insecurities or fears on you for whatever it may be, and then making you feel like *** for catching onto it. I doubt she's going to ever give you a real reason as to why she's doing it, and I don't know her so I can't read her mind. But either way, you don't deserve this type of love. Unless you don't mind constantly being hidden and never being able to even love your partner loudly in spaces other than your own, I think you should move on. There's plenty of people who wouldn't even do the things that she is. 

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1 hour ago, Snu said:

Is it common for people to keep their SO so hidden from their circle?

No, not at all. 

I think she has another boyfriend, OP, and you're the guy she cheats with. 

Why on earth do you tolerate this? Whatever the reason, it's no way for a relationship to function and sounds completely one-sided. You need to walk away. 

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Two things that put pressure on relationships: family and social media. 

 

You're thinking too much...I rarely used to post my old partner on social media (if I did it was always him looking away from the camera or something) and I called him "friend" to my family. Why? Because I didn't feel like discussing my personal life or updating social media about my personal life. Some people ACTUALLY enjoy private relationships...I found it uncomfortable when I had to talk about my ex boyfriend with family and I didn't want my extended family on Facebook prying into my relationship. I didn't like when my ex posted stuff about me on his pages either...once you bring your relationship public online, everyone will have emotions about it (good and bad) and I didnt want that negative energy floating around our relationship. 

Sometimes you need to hide good things so you can actually enjoy them. If she has a bunch of toxic ppl in her life she probably doesn't feel safe enough to share relationships that make her happy. 

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Is she from a family or culture that disapproves of dating?  If not, I can't think of any plausible reason why she's doing all that.  The fact she brushes it off when you try talking to her about it is suspicious and she's continuing to do it, despite knowing how it makes you feel.  The question is what are YOU going to do about it?  The more you stay around and tolerate this, the worse it'll get.

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7 hours ago, Snu said:

 hide our relationship from her friends and family. She refrains from posting me on any social media and refers to me as her “friend” 

How long have you been dating? Are you in an exclusive relationship?

Does she have a regular BF back home?

Is this a FWB situation? 

If you feel she's shutting you out of her life for whatever reason,end it.

Make sure you don't overinvest in someone who considers you "just a friend".

 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Are you in an exclusive relationship?

Does she have a regular BF back home?

Is this a FWB situation?

We’ve been dating for a while now and it is an exclusive relationship. We’ve discussed that part out extensively and it’s exclusive and committed, but that’s just as far as I know obviously. I don’t know what or who else she may be talking to.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

How odd. No, not normal. I would not like this at all especially the part where she dismisses you if you have questions. That part would be a dealbreaker for me. It's the lack of communication or openness. 

I feel that’s a big problem as well. She hates communicating or talking about anything. I texted her yesterday saying we need to talk and when we were on the phone later that day she asked what I wanted to talk about so I brought up why she hides me so much and all she had to respond was “nope not doing this” and changed the topic.

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My ex did this to some degree. He did it because he wanted to appear single to he could "hook up" with other women.  He even introduced me as his "bestest friend" to a woman he wanted to sleep with. He slept with other women constantly.  I'm lucky he didn't give me an STD.

So, she has no intention of changing this situation.  Do you want to continue on knowing this is how it will always be for however long it lasts?

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OP, there is literally only one reason people go to such extremes to hide their relationship - cheating. 

Talking to her about it is pointless because she is not going to change her disordered personality or messed up character. 

It's on you to actually recognize disordered behavior and walk away for your own sake, health, and well being.

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28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So, she has no intention of changing this situation.  Do you want to continue on knowing this is how it will always be for however long it lasts?

How can I confront her about the situation? Should I just ask her to ends things because to me that seems like ending things for a silly reason if the case is that she is not cheating.

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20 minutes ago, Snu said:

How can I confront her about the situation? Should I just ask her to ends things because to me that seems like ending things for a silly reason if the case is that she is not cheating.

You don't confront her. I mean you've already tried and all she does is brush you off and dismiss you. That alone is grounds for ending the relationship.

Being someone's dirty secret is not a small matter. Even giving her a huge benefit of the doubt that she isn't cheating at this moment, she is still completely disrespectful toward you and your relationship. She is literally treating you like a second class citizen and that's never something you should tolerate. 

Unfortunately, you can't confront someone into wanting to respect you and act like a normal person. All you can do is respect yourself enough that you walk away from toxic people and never look back. 

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9 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Being someone's dirty secret is not a small matter. Even giving her a huge benefit of the doubt that she isn't cheating at this moment, she is still completely disrespectful toward you and your relationship. She is literally treating you like a second class citizen and that's never something you should tolerate.

I think you're right, I've had quite enough of this relationship and it has been toxic since the beginning. There is lots more that goes on other than this issue and now its hit a breaking point. Thanks for the insight everyone.

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3 minutes ago, Snu said:

I think you're right, I've had quite enough of this relationship and it has been toxic since the beginning. There is lots more that goes on other than this issue and now its hit a breaking point. Thanks for the insight everyone.

Good move forwards from this. Read and reread DF's post again if you're not sure. 

Confronting someone who is not listening is repeating the same thing over and over again. She doesn't care. If someone doesn't care they have already checked out or perhaps were never invested or interested enough to begin with. 

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2 hours ago, Snu said:

Should I just ask her to ends things

Not, don't ask her.

Tell her that you are ending it. It's absolutley not a silly reason to end it, regardless of whether she's cheating or not. In fact, it would be silly to stay in such a sham of a relaitonship. 

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