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Hi all

just wanted some general dating advice and experiences from people who have been in similar position.

It's fair to say I have been on my fair share of rubbish dates and been through the ringer a bit in terms of rejection and dating. I understand rejection is part of it which is fine but probably things like being stood up on multiple occasions with pathetic justifications like "my mum asked me to do something" lol or being canned after 1 date and the like, I am struggling a bit to really find good avenues to meet the right person.

For some context about myself, many people have said I tick a lot of boxes - I am 25 and generally in pretty decent physical condition, I groom myself, I have a career in civil engineering, come from a family of good morals and values, would like to think I am a nice and down to earth person, I would not say I am a loud person I am more so laid back within a group dynamic and listen and interject where I can without being too quiet. I enjoy good company, dinner, drinks and am an avid sports fan. 

On the surface many people say to me I have a lot going for me but I seem to continually be falling at the first hurdle or when things seem to be going well with someone I get the rug pulled out from under me, I am a bit exhausted of dating apps and the effort that got into these on occasion 

I go out to bars and places like this with friends and often similar things happen, I get a phone number and then when I text the person there's generally no reply...which is fine. I generally don't think those places are where I will find the right person anyway but I am struggling to know where to go next, I am definitely a bit more introverted than extroverted and can be quiet on first approach but once I've warmed up I am ok

Many people say to me it will happen when you least expect it but it's getting a bit long in the tooth to hear because it is becoming increasingly frustrating

I know its probably a bit of a vague post but if anyone has experienced/been experiencing similar I would love to hear how you approach it

Cheers

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It’s true the ones that peacock get noticed. If you are going to bars, go to dance clubs. If a man gets on the dance floor he gets laid more than the guy that sits in the chair. 

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3 hours ago, James00777 said:

I am a bit exhausted of dating apps and the effort that got into these on occasion 

I go out to bars and places like this with friends and often similar things happen, I get a phone number and then when I text the person there's generally no reply...which is fine. I generally don't think those places are where I will find the right person anyway but I am struggling to know where to go next,

People are right... I guess you're feeling 'exhausted', because you are trying too hard.

Have you ever just gone on those sites and 'just tour'?  I've been on them for years... I do just that.  I tour.  I do not jump at the first guy or new fresh face.  I dont contact anyone.

But, I have local friends, in my building and around town, etc.  I don't try to get involved with any of them either.

We do have local 'single groups', of which I am aware and before our lockdowns, would meet up with a few ppl just for company and a coffee.

So, why don't you just take it easy, so you don't exhaust yourself.. so, no expectations?

Go one day at a time... and you'll see.  Out of nowhere, some gal will catch your eye, one way or another.. and she will respond back with the same interest, etc.

Meanwhile, take a search for a possible local singles group... see if that's available and give it some time.

 

 

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9 hours ago, James00777 said:

 I have been on my fair share of rubbish dates   

 I go out to bars and places like this with friends 

Agree.  Broaden your dating portfolio with quality dating apps, volunteering, interest clubs and groups, classes, etc.

Bars are dumpsters where, yes, you'll mainly find rubbish.

 

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17 hours ago, James00777 said:

Hi all

just wanted some general dating advice and experiences from people who have been in similar position.

It's fair to say I have been on my fair share of rubbish dates and been through the ringer a bit in terms of rejection and dating. I understand rejection is part of it which is fine but probably things like being stood up on multiple occasions with pathetic justifications like "my mum asked me to do something" lol or being canned after 1 date and the like, I am struggling a bit to really find good avenues to meet the right person.

For some context about myself, many people have said I tick a lot of boxes - I am 25 and generally in pretty decent physical condition, I groom myself, I have a career in civil engineering, come from a family of good morals and values, would like to think I am a nice and down to earth person, I would not say I am a loud person I am more so laid back within a group dynamic and listen and interject where I can without being too quiet. I enjoy good company, dinner, drinks and am an avid sports fan. 

On the surface many people say to me I have a lot going for me but I seem to continually be falling at the first hurdle or when things seem to be going well with someone I get the rug pulled out from under me, I am a bit exhausted of dating apps and the effort that got into these on occasion 

I go out to bars and places like this with friends and often similar things happen, I get a phone number and then when I text the person there's generally no reply...which is fine. I generally don't think those places are where I will find the right person anyway but I am struggling to know where to go next, I am definitely a bit more introverted than extroverted and can be quiet on first approach but once I've warmed up I am ok

Many people say to me it will happen when you least expect it but it's getting a bit long in the tooth to hear because it is becoming increasingly frustrating

I know its probably a bit of a vague post but if anyone has experienced/been experiencing similar I would love to hear how you approach it

Cheers

If you're exhausted doing the same thing over and over then give it a break and wander off. Do your own thing. People sense when you're hopeless and down and no one wants to be around that (sad to say). There's nothing worse than being the proverbial punching bag for some person's issues on a dating app if he hasn't sorted that out. All that comes through in your interactions - the insecurity with yourself, with others, the way you view the world or your love life. 

You seem lonely. People are drawn to others who are self-sufficient and confident being on their own and with their own thoughts. Don't worry so much about finding the right person right now. Focus on feeling good about yourself overall.

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Posted (edited)
38 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If you're exhausted doing the same thing over and over then give it a break and wander off. Do your own thing. People sense when you're hopeless and down and no one wants to be around that (sad to say). There's nothing worse than being the proverbial punching bag for some person's issues on a dating app if he hasn't sorted that out. All that comes through in your interactions - the insecurity with yourself, with others, the way you view the world or your love life. 

You seem lonely. People are drawn to others who are self-sufficient and confident being on their own and with their own thoughts. Don't worry so much about finding the right person right now. Focus on feeling good about yourself overall.

As true as this is, it can be hard.  Sometimes you just have to fake confidence.  Its been my biggest issue my entire life, and has resulted in numerous missed opportunities.  You're lucky, you have time to work on this.  I'm twice your age and its basically too late for me, though I have slightly more confidence than I did at 25.  Had I had the confidence then, my life would have turned out amazing personally and professionally.  Work on it! I can't stress it enough! Therapy, support groups, mean's groups, etc.  Work hard!  Surround yourself with people who build you up vs. tear you down (part of my issue at your age).  I feel for you.  Oh, and take it from me, "Having a lot going for you" means nothing without confidence.  I outa know.

Edited by Atlguy
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Have you considered co-ed sports, hiking, tennis groups, etc. I find that outdoorsy and sports groups are a super easy way to meet people, make friends and even find a romantic interest who is more like minded.

If that's not your thing at all, then other types of hobbies where you can join a group with similar interests and expand your social circle as well as how you are meeting women. Keep in mind that new friends can introduce you to more new people at parties, get togethers, and so on.

For some people, meeting like that in real life just works better than dragging through the countless online profiles because you do get that chance to warm up to people at your own pace. Also, you already have something in common to bond over.

 

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Posted (edited)
46 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

As true as this is, it can be hard.  Sometimes you just have to fake confidence.  

Of course it's hard. Walking that journey alone is hard but it's worth it because you end up learning so much more about yourself without depending on others to distract you or tell you you're worth it, all the while wondering if you are (worth it). That confidence comes from within not from what others say. I don't agree with faking confidence.

OP needs to take a step away from dating and come back to himself, figure out how to get grounded. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Of course it's hard. Walking that journey alone is hard but it's worth it because you end up learning so much more about yourself without depending on others to distract you or tell you you're worth it, all the while wondering if you are (worth it). That confidence comes from within not from what others say. I don't agree with faking confidence.

OP needs to take a step away from dating and come back to himself, figure out how to get grounded. 

I've never believed in faking confidence either, but I don't have the answers.  In fact, I detest the "fake it til you make it" saying.  Maybe you have better advice than I do since you disagree with me.  I do think men's groups (religious and non-religious) can help somewhat, but there's no magic bullet, that is for sure!

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17 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

I've never believed in faking confidence either, but I don't have the answers.  In fact, I detest the "fake it til you make it" saying.  Maybe you have better advice than I do since you disagree with me.  I do think men's groups (religious and non-religious) can help somewhat, but there's no magic bullet, that is for sure!

Actually there is. And it is not magic nor a bullet. It's about staying true to yourself. (you meaning hypothetical you of course). There's a mistake getting too quickly out into the dating scene and overestimating one's self in a bid to overcome loneliness. 

Religious/non-religious groups are fine if that's what the OP is into but not for everyone. 

You are quoting me by the way and that's why I'm responding. This is just regular banter. I like your ideas. Keep sharing.

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Your best bet is to ask some women you trust what you could do to improve yourself and your interactions with the opposite sex. From head to toe, from voice quality to conversation, tell them to give it to you straight. Listen without interrupting or arguing back. Take notes. Then start working on the things one by one. Men who want to get women but aren't being successful should listen to women's thoughts and opinions about self-improvement. You seem willing to work hard but it seems you have just been exerting energy in the wrong direction. Try this approach and see what happens!

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4 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Actually there is. And it is not magic nor a bullet. It's about staying true to yourself. (you meaning hypothetical you of course). There's a mistake getting too quickly out into the dating scene and overestimating one's self in a bid to overcome loneliness. 

Religious/non-religious groups are fine if that's what the OP is into but not for everyone. 

You are quoting me by the way and that's why I'm responding. This is just regular banter. I like your ideas. Keep sharing.

Thank you Rose.  The only issue I have with your advice is its "it comes from within", meaning it's hard to access or there is no formula to access it.  I've heard this my whole life.  I do notice religious people (I'm not one) tend to have more confidence or maybe some pretend to.  They do because they're "perfect" in God's eyes.  I personally don't buy it, but maybe thats the "within" part, or a piece of it.  So what is your actionable advice? I'm not disagreeing with you, its just always been elusive to me.

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2 minutes ago, Debsterism said:

Your best bet is to ask some women you trust what you could do to improve yourself and your interactions with the opposite sex. From head to toe, from voice quality to conversation, tell them to give it to you straight. Listen without interrupting or arguing back. Take notes. Then start working on the things one by one. Men who want to get women but aren't being successful should listen to women's thoughts and opinions about self-improvement. You seem willing to work hard but it seems you have just been exerting energy in the wrong direction. Try this approach and see what happens!

Good advice.  Even a female coach can help.  I've hired a few, and some are better than others.  A female perspective as well as books on communication are good ideas.  I've read the best book on the topic ever by GS Youngblood called "The Masculine in Relationship".  It is AMAZING.  

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10 minutes ago, Atlguy said:

Thank you Rose.  The only issue I have with your advice is its "it comes from within", meaning it's hard to access or there is no formula to access it.  I've heard this my whole life.  I do notice religious people (I'm not one) tend to have more confidence or maybe some pretend to.  They do because they're "perfect" in God's eyes.  I personally don't buy it, but maybe thats the "within" part, or a piece of it.  So what is your actionable advice? I'm not disagreeing with you, its just always been elusive to me.

Not sure which religion you're referencing but I think that's quite arrogant. I don't buy it either. What I said has no reference to religion at all.

Confidence quite simply translates to happiness overall with one's self and wherever a person is at in life. There's an element of gratitude also and kindness towards others. The constant state of needing outside validation just doesn't work.

Hobbies and interests are a great way to engage in all that and meet others who are similar. 

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