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Broke up with SO because he was sneaking going to bikini espresso stands and lying about it


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We've been together for a few years but met when I was 13 he was 18 and were an "item" in a way - we didn't talk much because we didn't speak each other's language.  Found each other 37 years l later on facebook and it was instantaneous attraction and love.  He moved in with me a few months after we started visiting each other long distance (3 hrs).  Maybe a year after we were together we had driven by one of those bikini espresso shops and he made a joke like 'lets go get some coffee' and I said a few things about them that I had heard (they don't wear bikinis, they are almost naked, many girls doing that are also prostitutes and strippers and will do "extras" for big tips and all of them at some point get harrassed/assaulted, verbally treated bad by customers and the owners.)  I said clearly that I never want him to go to one of those places.  

Long story twice as long...

I had a hunch he went to one a month ago because he pulled cash out of an atm and he normally never does that as he consistently uses his card (not snooping, I take care of all of his banking/billing, etc online because he is not computer savvy).  I was curious so I looked where the atm was and it wasn't even close to his work, way out of his way he went there and also right on that route is one of those stands.  I asked him about it and he first said, "I had to pay my friend (coworker) back for lunch that he bought for me."  I said but you just told me the other week when I asked why so much at Mcdonalds for lunch (it was $20) that your friend you lunch the other day so you bought him some. Then he changed it and said, "No I mean, I got cash to give him to go get lunch."  I said that makes no sense, if you're out at lunch time, why wouldn't you just buy lunch?  I said, I think you went to watch the bikini barista and are hiding it by using cash because I'll see on your CC.  He swore up and down that he did not go there.  He said "Why would I spend $20 on coffee?"  I couldn't prove it so I eventually had to let it go, but I couldn't all the way, I just felt something was off.  I kept noticing high priced lunches at fast food places - I was thinking he couldn't possibly be getting free lunch from his friend that often and be paying him back (he usually was taking his lunch).  I began to think his friend was probably buying the coffee at these stands and they both would go, then he would pay him back with lunch.  It sounded nuts, so I decided to look at where he was one day at lunch.  I used an app to track his phone and he was at a paint store (typical for his work).  I noticed the map showed one of those popular stands across the street.  I was praying he wouldn't go there, but then I saw it, as he dot moved away from the paint store it went right into the drive up of the stand.  My heart sunk - I felt like i got hit in the gut.  I was so upset I couldn't talk to him when he got home, he came to my room and asked if I wanted some leftovers for dinner - I said just take it for lunch tomorrow, then couldn't hold back and said "or wait, you prefer fast food and coffee served by a stripper", he left the room but as he was leaving he said I just went to paint store and Mcdonalds.  The next day I looked again and noticed him on the road from his work and heading in the direction of that place again.  My heart started racing and I was getting so upset, then he pulled into the parking lot and I thought I would have a heart attack.  SO SO SAD.  I immediately texted him and said "I can see you" before he actually got to the drive-through and he responded saying "getting something to eat" - I said nice try, we're done, you made your choice.  Then he continued to show pics of the place he was at (which he obviously diverted to after I texted him.  There is no way he would have traveled that far to go to get food.  He tried to act as if nothing happened when he got home, inviting me to go to the store with him to pick out some trim we're putting in a room and I just said pack your sh*t.  He said, "ok, but I didn't do anything wrong". 

Anyway, he left, back to his old town a few hours away.  He hasn't contacted me - he still has a ton of stuff in my house/garage.  I think he's waiting out me missing him, because he knows I love him and that I'm hurting.  But I'm ALWAYS the one to break silence and try to talk about things and I just don't feel it will do any good this time.  He needs to know that going to these places is a deal-breaker for me.  To ME it's the same as cheating.  There's a reason he likes to look at me when we have sex, men are very visual and when he looks at me he is sexually stimulated and his brain releases dopamine giving him pleasure.  The same thing happens when he looks at these young women (less than half my age) and so he's getting sexual pleasure from them when in my opinion if you're in a committed relationship, it should only be happening between you and your partner.   

I really don't want to be broke up, and I know he doesn't either, but I can't be with someone that does this.  I'm not sure what to do - any advice appreciated (sorry so long).

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At this point all that matters is he lied multiple times. It doesn't matter who he looks at anymore. You don't have to resort to living with or being in a relationship with a liar or a manipulator. 

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7 minutes ago, Lapis Lazuli said:

met when I was 13 he was 18 and were an "item" 

he left, back to his old town a few hours away.  He hasn't contacted me - he still has a ton of stuff in my house/garage.

Sorry this happened. Charge him for storage and give him a date to get it out by.  If he doesn't remove by a certain time after you tell him to remove it, it's legally yours to sell, keep etc.

You dodged a bullet. He's not a good man. An 18 y/o man who goes after 13 year old girls is a creep.

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Rose - yes, the lying is the worst.  I think for him, lying is a knee jerk instantaneous reaction - it's like he can't control himself.  He does it even over little things, when he doesn't have to so he always appears in a good light, he's just the type that is SO afraid of conflict he will do anything to avoid it.  He had a pretty rough childhood and left home at 14.  I've already decided that if we ever did get back together an absolute *MUST* is getting couples therapy.

Wiseman2 - Yeah, I didn't even know how old he was back then, but to be honest - he wasn't really that mature and even shorter than me.  We only rode bikes together and on 2 occasions he gave me a kiss.  He never tried anything further than that.

He will get his stuff anytime I ask - he generally does do everything I ask for and more.  Also, he pays me monthly to help with the bills, generally later in the month, but I noticed after he left there was a check on my fridge for the full amount plus $200.

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  • 2 weeks later...

It seem to me that he lies to you because you come completely unhinged when he tells you anything you don't want to hear. You clearly stalk him at work and you can see that he's not spending very much time there. If he's oogling hot young women working at a coffee shop but he comes home to you every day who is harmed? It's not like he's there for hours every day or spending lots of money on these girls or out drinking and flirting at night. Maybe he's getting a little sexually charged up by them but he comes home to you because you are the one he has chosen. Let him have a little fantasy. Maybe they actually have good coffee too? Maybe he's pressured by guys at work to go. It's too bad he can't talk to you about his feelings because you are ruthless and controlling. He left so easily because there is no talking to you. Just guilt and shame over nothing.

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I have to say, this is the first time I have ever heard of a bikini espresso stand. Never seen those before. I learn something new every day. 

This relationship needs to be over for good. There is no trust. You resorted to tracking and following him; when it gets to that point, the relationship is basically toast. You two also have completely incompatible boundaries and ideas of what constitutes cheating and inappropriate behaviour. He enjoys looking at hot women; you feel threatened and hurt by it. Some might not care, but you do, and that is what matters - you need to find a man whose values are in line with your own. Your ex's are not and there is no sense trying to force him into being someone he is not. Just as he can't make you not care about this and not view it as inappropriate, you can't make him view it your way, either. 

Time to move on. 

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Posted (edited)

Is he allowed to go to the beach? 

You two are incompatible.  It's good the relationship is over. Give him a date to have his belongings moved out.

@MissCanuckthere are all kinds of "services" out there. You can hire a woman to do your housecleaning nude. (She would be nude, not you).

Edited by boltnrun
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just me but there is just too much going wrong...and after two years you know what he's actually like....doesn't mean you should try and repair. It just might be better to cut your losses.

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

@MissCanuckthere are all kinds of "services" out there. You can hire a woman to do your housecleaning nude. (She would be nude, not you).

Ha, yes, I realize. 

Just never heard of a bikini coffee shop. Those apparently don't exist where I hail from!

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On 5/3/2021 at 6:24 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Charge him for storage and give him a date to get it out by.  If he doesn't remove by a certain time after you tell him to remove it, it's legally yours to sell, keep etc.

You dodged a bullet. He's not a good man. An 18 y/o man who goes after 13 year old girls is a creep.

He is creepy.   

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Posted (edited)
On 5/3/2021 at 6:40 PM, Lapis Lazuli said:

Rose - yes, the lying is the worst.  I think for him, lying is a knee jerk instantaneous reaction - it's like he can't control himself.  He does it even over little things, when he doesn't have to so he always appears in a good light, he's just the type that is SO afraid of conflict he will do anything to avoid it.  He had a pretty rough childhood and left home at 14.  I've already decided that if we ever did get back together an absolute *MUST* is getting couples therapy.

Wiseman2 - Yeah, I didn't even know how old he was back then, but to be honest - he wasn't really that mature and even shorter than me.  We only rode bikes together and on 2 occasions he gave me a kiss.  He never tried anything further than that.

He will get his stuff anytime I ask - he generally does do everything I ask for and more.  Also, he pays me monthly to help with the bills, generally later in the month, but I noticed after he left there was a check on my fridge for the full amount plus $200.

C'mon.  His lying is pathological.  What are you thinking!  Stop using his childhood as an excuse.  If you take him back, it is on you. 

Doesn't he pay you rent?  He should be doing more than sharing with bills.  He should be sharing with utilities and food.

Edited by Hollyj
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Posted (edited)

Here they are:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7342659/Washington-coffee-stand-boasting-baristas-g-strings-slams-city-council-told.html

On 5/3/2021 at 11:14 PM, Lapis Lazuli said:

The same thing happens when he looks at these young women (less than half my age) and so he's getting sexual pleasure from them when in my opinion if you're in a committed relationship, it should only be happening between you and your partner.   

Gosh, I think I would grab a look or two if there were well-built stripped down male baristas in a coffee shop. Well, maybe there are, somewhere.

I can hear it:

"Would Madame like me to stir her coffee".  lol

Edited by LaHermes
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8 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Here they are:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7342659/Washington-coffee-stand-boasting-baristas-g-strings-slams-city-council-told.html

Gosh, I think I would grab a look or two if there were well-built stripped down male baristas in a coffee shop. Well, maybe there are, somewhere.

I can hear it:

"Would Madame like me to stir her coffee".  lol

Hillbilly Hotties LOL!

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Posted (edited)
21 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Here they are:

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7342659/Washington-coffee-stand-boasting-baristas-g-strings-slams-city-council-told.html

Gosh, I think I would grab a look or two if there were well-built stripped down male baristas in a coffee shop. Well, maybe there are, somewhere.

I can hear it:

"Would Madame like me to stir her coffee".  lol

We are so behind on this side of the world...!

Edited by dias
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Posted (edited)

We don't have those places here in Australia lol We just have normal strip clubs and in my state we also have brothels because prostitution is legal here. I don't think your relationship was going to work out so it's probably for the best that you broke up. You have very different ideas and values regarding strippers and those types of places. When you disagree on big things, it's not going to work. I shuddered though when I was reading how you had access to your boyfriend's bank accounts, you tracked him on an app, you followed him. That's actually not normal. Whether he goes to bikini coffee or whatever or not, he deserves as a human being to have autonomy and privacy. I find it bizarre that he wouldn't even know how to use a banking website or phone app. All you do is put a password in and you just go into it. Very simple to use. It seems to me like you wanted to have him on a short leash from the start. You wanted to control him and being controlled and smothered often can have the opposite effect. The person begins to want to rebel against you, which is exactly what your boyfriend did. I'm not saying what he did was good but you were acting really controlling too. I would never allow my partner to use my banking unless we were married and we had a joint account. Tracking on  location app is way over the top too.

Edited by Tinydance
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20 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I shuddered though when I was reading how you had access to your boyfriend's bank accounts, you tracked him on an app, you followed him. That's actually not normal.

Indeed Tiny.  You bet it isn't normal.  Way OTT.

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On 5/3/2021 at 11:14 PM, Lapis Lazuli said:

We've been together for a few years but met when I was 13 he was 18 and were an "item" in a way

This aspect would be more concerning IMO than scantily-clad purveyors of coffee.

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

This aspect would be more concerning IMO than scantily-clad purveyors of coffee.

That's right, an 18-year-old would never normally be interested in a 13-year-old, who is barely just out of being a child.

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16 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

That's right, an 18-year-old would never normally be interested in a 13-year-old, who is barely just out of being a child.

Hm, my brother first got together with his wife (soon to be ex) when he was 18 and she was either 14 or 15. And my brother in law and his wife first started spending time together when he was 21 and she was 14. He was best friends with her aunt and uncle.

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Hm, my brother first got together with his wife (soon to be ex) when he was 18 and she was either 14 or 15. And my brother in law and his wife first started spending time together when he was 21 and she was 14. He was best friends with her aunt and uncle.

Well I think a long time ago, like 50-100 years ago it seemed more acceptable. In my state the age of sexual consent is 16. If you're under 16 you can only have sex with someone within two years older or two years younger than you. Otherwise it's actually considered statutory rape. 

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