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Is he not into me anymore?

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Hi everyone, 

I posted this in another forum a while back and all I got was judgmental nonsense, so I ask you to please be respectful.

I was married for 7 years until 2019 when my ex-husband wanted to dissolve the marriage. I feel that until that moment, we had a very good marriage with the exception of our sex life. Shortly into our relationship, I noticed that my sexual drive was a lot higher than his. I tried to talk about it, but in the end he told me that I talked our sex life to death, and I guess it's not untrue, because towards the end of our marriage our sex life was basically non-existent. I'm now in a new relationship, and although it was like a sexual awakening for me in the beginning, it seems like the same thing is now happening with him. Several times over the weekend turned into once a week, once every other week, once a month. My boyfriend knows about the problems I had in my marriage, and I've mentioned to him before that I feel like the same thing is happening again, but he either says he's tired, or distracted, or just getting older. He's 50, I'm 39. I can't help but take this personally, but I definitely don't want to bring it up again. Yet, I'm literally unsatisfied, and I can't believe this is happening all over again. 

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Well....I mean men's libido does go down with age, so he isn't lying and it's also not personal to you as such.

The point about dating, though is so that you can figure these things out. Some people can be very honest about their sex drive, but most are not, so only way to learn the truth is to ...well...test drive and see. Also, do keep in mind that all relationships early on will be great sexually, basically during that honeymoon, high hormones period. After that is when things start to normalize and you get to see what the person is really like normally.

Ultimately, if you feel unsatisfied, it's probably best to end things and seek out partners who have a more matching/higher sex drive. Whatever you do, please don't make anyone's sex drive an "at fault" problem. It's actually not about you or them. People don't actually get to choose what sex drive they have. Just like you can't help but crave more, he just doesn't.

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35 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you living together? 

No, we don't. We usually just spend weekends together, because he starts work early, and I usually finish late. 


29 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Why don't you date someone closer to your age?

Because I fell in love with him and not someone younger. Besides, my ex-husband is 2 years younger than me, and I still had the same problem.  

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Yeah, younger doesn't automatically mean more sex.  I dated a guy 7 years younger than me and he had issues with ED.  I also dated a guy 5 years older than me and we went at it anywhere from 2-4 times a day.

So can your love for him overcome the lack of sex?  He's likely not to go back to how it was in the beginning.  Can you live with a lifetime of very little sex?

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The real common theme that I see here is that you seem to fall in love early and then disregard major incompatibility between you and your partner and you are repeating this pattern.

Lack of sexual compatibility is actually one of those major relationship deal breakers. You can maybe talk about it and adjust a little each way when you are kind of close. However, when you are far apart on the scale in your needs, it's just not possible to make things work because neither person can change their natural sex drive or adjust enough to close the gap. 

I wouldn't treat this so much as "it's happening again", but rather this fish you need to toss back into the pond kind of a thing. You only have a sample of two....sooo.....you need to catch a lot more fish before you can find the right match for you in every respect. Men with a higher libido exist.

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Your long term relationship came to an end.. just over a year ago?

Was due to lack of sexual activity.

Now, you're involved again and so happy that you've finally got what you were not getting in your marriage....

When a couple first meets, things are extreme and you're in a high ( honeymoon phase), but this comes to an end and things will slow down.. yes, even the amt of sex.

So, is there a reason for you to be acting out over this guy as well?

Isn't once a month or every 2 weeks better than nothing?

Be careful you do not drive your BF crazy over your 'Ex talk'.

I wonder.. if you're possibly not over your marriage break up issue's yet. - You are comparing aren't you?  Not good 😕 

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