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Need advice on how to move on from a relationship that ended 3.5 years ago


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Hi.

I haven't been able to move on from my last relationship even though it's been 3.5 years it ended and I don't know what to do. I haven't been able to trust anyone else and there are days during which I think about it and it makes me feel down. I need advice, because I don't know what to do now.

Basically, this girl and I were childhood friends. She was my sister's best friend (it was sort of an on and off friendship that they had). Anyways, by the age of 14, she was very much into me. She would ask my sister advice on how to get my attention and eventually I gave in. The thing is, we're both from very religious families in which dating is forbidden. I remember that the day we told each other about our respective feelings and that we were talking about a future together, she asked me to "stay low" for the moment, because she didn't want her family to know (her dad is super struct). The plan was to wait until we're done with our studies and then "come out". We had a good 6 years ahead of us before coming out, but I didn't mind because I really liked her and I thought it was worth the wait. For the next 4 years, whilst we didn't go out on dates, we would regularly meet (sometimes in the presence of friends, sometimes not). There was some very light flirting between us when nobody was looking, and we almost kissed once. During these 4 years, we grew very close to each other and I genuinely thought she was the one. Eventually, she told me she didn't like my anymore, because she thought I was too "awkward". I didn't really understand that at the moment, but I respected her decision and walked away. A little later, I learned that during the 4 years we were together, I wasn't the only guy she was flirting with. In fact, one of them happened to be a very good friend of mine. I confronted her about it, but she said that nothing really happened between us (in her words, when she told me she liked me, she was experiencing things for the first time) and therefore didn't "break up" with me  before  because in her eyes, we never had a relationship. She also denied ever having conversations about the future or the fact that she asked me to stay low while we were still studying. She didn't comment on the other guys, except to say that she doesn't appreciate having to justify herself from what I've heard from others. I didn't speak to her since.

Whilst I do see her point of view on the matter, I guess I am still very much upset and hurt. Keep in my mind that you only have my side of the story here. I am sure she has something very different to say.

I've started working out since I last spoke to her. I also practice yoga and try to stay busy with uni stuff. I am quite a social person and, don't get my wrong, I don't spend my entire time thinking about what happened. It's just that when I do, I still can't believe why I get affected by it so much and I really want to reach a point where I don't care about this and I can just let go. I was hoping it would fade away with time, but it still hasn't and I'm getting impatient.

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I'd say because you are young & impressionable, especially at that young age you were at.  

There you were, with such 'high hopes', that eventually failed for you 😕 

Yes, that hurts.

But, maybe you just need to try & see this in another way.

That, because you guys were so young with so much to still learn about & explore in your lives, she was, in no way ready to be involved fully with you or anyone else.

When teens are that young, a majority of the relationships they get into at that age fail.  They are just learning & are not too mature yet.

Also, no experience and so many are just out to explore & enjoy their freedom.

So, give it some time.  You will come to accept it all as just an experience you've had and be able to brush it off and move on fine, again.

Nothing personal against you, was just too much going on and you two at such a young age. 

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11 hours ago, Akris said:

, we're both from very religious families in which dating is forbidden. . 

Sorry this happened. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage?

You're both going to university and can socialize (if one-on-one dates are forbidden) with a lot of different people.

Someone you knew during puberty is going to be vastly different as a young woman.

Leave her alone. Enjoy your university years and making new friends.

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"she thought I was too "awkward""

Oh my goodness, please toss this out to the birds. If I counted every single person who thought someone else was awkward it would be more plentiful than the buds of leaves on a tree in spring. Pay no mind and keep connected with your friends at uni. Growing takes time, learning takes time.. you need time to develop yourself and grow away from the influences of home life, figure out your own spiritual path and everything else that goes on professionally/personally etc. 

You will be able to put that hurt and feeling upset into perspective eventually the more experiences you have. 

At some point it's ok to look back and reflect every now and then but don't let the thoughts or opinions of others mar you like that. Her comment was young and thoughtless and it was a young romance.

You get to live the rest of your life according to your own terms so do that. 

 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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