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Ex contacts me after life changing month


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Hey friends,

So April has literally been a life changing month for me. I made another post about a month ago which prelutes this post. It is about my ex dumper who I was processing getting over when I made that post.

So she contacted me last week, after almost 3 months after our breakup. But I don't know how to react since I had a big event happening to me last month.

About 3 weeks ago, I accidentally crashed my car against a tree. I hit the tree front face with almost 80 km/h. That is almost 50 mph for Americans.

I am very lucky and thankfull to have survived that crash. It should likely have killed me, I am still recovering mentally and physically from that. I got out of it with ripped clothes and cuts in my torso and my leg is still broken. I was in the hospital for my wounds for a few days after the crash. I still have nightmares from that crash since I hit my head against the windshield but the seatbelt and airbags prevented me from flying through it. So yeah the car is completely wrecked and like I said I am lucky to be alive and have relatively minor injuries now. I am taking it easy with my foot.

 

After this accident, I vowed to change my life and I am doing a good job with that, one thing I wanted to do is stop talking with toxic people and focus on positivity and my career and stuff like that.

At this point my ex girl was the last thing on my mind but guess what, last week I got a message from her. It was a long message stating that she misses me a lot and she would like to meet me in person for a drink and talk about things. She didn't say anything about getting together again or the breakup. She said she has been thinking about me a lot.

Funny thing is I do not really miss her anymore that much and didn't expect her to message me again. I have yet to respond since she left me hanging for months so I am taking my time. In the days after she tried calling me but I didn't feel like picking up yet.

I do not know how to feel about this, I considered my ex a toxic person for a long time after the breakup, in my previous post I detailed the ***ty way she dumped me and i did everything for her but she didn't value me. But I guess now I forgave her a little but I am still angry at her for the ***ty breakup.

 

Due to no contact she doesn't know anything about my near death car accident and that I can barely walk with my still recovering broken foot. For the rest I have been improving my life and already bought a much better car for when I can drive again.

 

What would you do in my position? I have no idea of her intentions, maybe she slept with some other guy already but dumped him the same way she did me, I truly do not know. Maybe I can contact one of her best friends? I have her number and was always really friendly with her? So I can ask her friend about what my ex wants?

 

I don't know if I even should react, it would feel so good to put her down and say no I don't want you no more but I still have feelings left for her after all this time I guess. I don't know if she missed me at all as she says. I am pretty conflicted about all of this. I am curious what she wants to say to me in person but on the other hand what use is it? She wants to meet in her town.

 

Thanks in advance friends!

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Sorry this happened. Hopefully your are doing better.

Generally, when an ex contacts you, it's for their own agenda. Just got dumped, bored, nosy, etc.

If you reply she will know about the accident or perhaps she already does and is curious.

Do you have any mutual friends?

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1 hour ago, Umadbroyolo said:

Maybe I can contact one of her best friends? I have her number and was always really friendly with her? So I can ask her friend about what my ex wants?

No, definitely do not do this. Any and all communication should be directly between you and your ex, and not involve 3rd parties. 

Given that you described her as toxic, I don't think I would bother re-opening this door. 

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I agree with MissCanuck. I would read her message, smirk to myself, and then delete it and tuck my phone back into my pocket and go on with my new and improved life.

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The majority of the time, an ex will repeat the pattern after the newness of a renewed relationship wears off if you get back together, and they easily dump you all over again.

She's a toxic person so why would you allow yourself to be poisoned?

In your shoes, I'd do one of two things. Either send her this text: I've moved on. I wish you the best. Please don't contact me again for the good of my closure.

And then I'd block her number. Don't even give her the opportunity to reply.

Or, don't reply at all and just block.

Years ago, when my cell phone didn't have the option of blocking, I know I was really pissed off if an ex texted me. To me, it intruded on my closure, brought up bad feelings, and set me back to square one in my closure process. Thank God, in present day, the blocking function exists. I suggest using it.

Good luck in your healing process, both physically and mentally.

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Posted (edited)

I'm glad you're recovering well.

As for the ex, she expects you to react to her as you did before, so she thinks you will fall all over yourself replying and be eager to meet up with her. I would presume SHE got dumped or ghosted so she turns back to trusty old you for an ego soothing. 

Do you want to allow her to use you to make herself feel better? Do you want to take the chance she'll do again what she did to you before? 

Of course you still have feelings. Bad endings are much harder to move past than mutually agreed upon and cordial breakups. But that doesn't mean you should give her another chance to hurt you.

I hope you continue to recover well.

ETA: No, do not contact her friend. Her friend isn't involved in the situation, plus I guarantee the friend will immediately tell your ex you were asking about her. More ego boost for your ex and nothing but downside for you.

Edited by boltnrun
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Posted (edited)

Thankfully you are okay.  

Your previous thread said she was no longer in love or had any feelings, I am thinking that she wants to be friends. If she is toxic then why would you want to reconnect?   Do not reach out to her friend. 

I think you should block this woman and move on with your life.  Nothing good will come from this.

Speedy recovery.

Edited by Hollyj
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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Hopefully your are doing better.

Generally, when an ex contacts you, it's for their own agenda. Just got dumped, bored, nosy, etc.

If you reply she will know about the accident or perhaps she already does and is curious.

Do you have any mutual friends?

Thanks for your answer, we do not have any mutual friends.

I think the chance is big that it is for her own agenda. But I almost forgot about her so I guessed she would've too about me.

Well I could still reply but I will not tell her about my accident since only my townspeople and close family and friends know about it, who did a great job helping me get through it, they still do. So since she decided to leave my life she doesn't deserve this knowledge, I think.

We have no mutual friends so I don't think she knows and it is a coincidince that she messaged me.

I thought about it and I think I will either let her down kindly since I do not like to be angry and resentful even though I kind of am still towards her. Or not reply at all, I am glad that I do not want to reconcile our relationship anymore.

It is always nice to get good advice from kind strangers on the internet 🙂

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6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, definitely do not do this. Any and all communication should be directly between you and your ex, and not involve 3rd parties. 

Given that you described her as toxic, I don't think I would bother re-opening this door. 

You are right I will maybe consider replying but in the sense of letting her down since maybe that is for the best. I will not contact her friend that is a bad idea thinking about it.

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3 hours ago, indea08 said:

I agree with MissCanuck. I would read her message, smirk to myself, and then delete it and tuck my phone back into my pocket and go on with my new and improved life.

Excellent advice!

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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

The majority of the time, an ex will repeat the pattern after the newness of a renewed relationship wears off if you get back together, and they easily dump you all over again.

She's a toxic person so why would you allow yourself to be poisoned?

In your shoes, I'd do one of two things. Either send her this text: I've moved on. I wish you the best. Please don't contact me again for the good of my closure.

And then I'd block her number. Don't even give her the opportunity to reply.

Or, don't reply at all and just block.

Years ago, when my cell phone didn't have the option of blocking, I know I was really pissed off if an ex texted me. To me, it intruded on my closure, brought up bad feelings, and set me back to square one in my closure process. Thank God, in present day, the blocking function exists. I suggest using it.

Good luck in your healing process, both physically and mentally.

I think that would happen if I met, she is fairly young, so am I but I was her first ever boyfriend and during the honeymoon period she was all over me, but yeah after that it was like I was tossed aside like a used toy. I do not think her next partner would be better of logical thing would be that another poor man got the same threatment now.

Yeah I might send her the text saying I don't want to meet and it is best she never contact me again then, but I don't know if I would go as far as blocking. Don't you think deleting their number is good enough? If she does not respect my request at first then afterwards I would block her yes.

Thank you so much! I am already on the good way on my recovery and yeah after all I have no use for her and her toxic traits on that road.

Your advice and encouragement is really helpful to me! Even if it is coming from kind strangers on the internet!

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm glad you're recovering well.

As for the ex, she expects you to react to her as you did before, so she thinks you will fall all over yourself replying and be eager to meet up with her. I would presume SHE got dumped or ghosted so she turns back to trusty old you for an ego soothing. 

Do you want to allow her to use you to make herself feel better? Do you want to take the chance she'll do again what she did to you before? 

Of course you still have feelings. Bad endings are much harder to move past than mutually agreed upon and cordial breakups. But that doesn't mean you should give her another chance to hurt you.

I hope you continue to recover well.

ETA: No, do not contact her friend. Her friend isn't involved in the situation, plus I guarantee the friend will immediately tell your ex you were asking about her. More ego boost for your ex and nothing but downside for you.

True, that mistake I made in our relationship indeed. But I haven't (yet) replied to her or returned phone calls so well she can see I think about her different now. I think it is likely someone else dumped her now or ghosted her yes.

No I won't let her hurt me anymore but I am curious about what she wants, but likely nothing good, I might just only ask her explicitely what she wants to accomplish with that meeting before I would waste my time coming there (I wouldn't go after thinking about it and your advice). But I am curious what her answer will be.

Also I still can't walk very well on my own and driving myself is out of the picture for at least some more time but I am not going to tell her anything about that of course.

Yeah it is not a good idea to contact her friend I think, I don't think she even knows the answer.

Thanks for your kind words of advice!

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53 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Thankfully you are okay.  

Your previous thread said she was no longer in love or had any feelings, I am thinking that she wants to be friends. If she is toxic then why would you want to reconnect?   Do not reach out to her friend. 

I think you should block this woman and move on with your life.  Nothing good will come from this.

Speedy recovery.

Thank you! I am glad and thankfull I got out pretty well considering the accident!

Yes she said she fell out of love with me during her two months abroad. I don't know if she wants to be friends, I told her no to that during our breakup.

Moving on and blocking her might be the best idea, almost everyone gives that advice it seems. I was genuinly curious about her intentions but being real about it it is likely not good.

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Any reply, even a negative one, is opening the door for her to engage you in additional discussions, arguments, or even guilt tripping you for not wanting to entertain her at her whim and convenience. That's what toxic people do and why it's best that you don't respond at all and just block.

The other part of blocking is that toxic people never quite go away. For as long as you leave the door open, they'll keep circling around to you when they are bored and out of other options for the moment. All that does is leave you where you are - kind of wound up wasting mental space on someone who doesn't deserve it. Consider that you'll have a repeat of this in another 6 months or a year and so on. Why do that to yourself?

Getting rid of toxic people is like getting rid of weeds - you can't just snip off the top, have to pull them up by the roots, completely. Otherwise they'll just come back again and again.

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I am so sorry about the accident. Geez... you're lucky! And it makes sense to cut toxic people out. Who needs the aggravation. That's all ways a good decision. Regardless of how you came to it.

You asked what I would do.  Let me tell you what I wish I did.

Once I got dumped and sure, I was crushed. The dumper came crawling back and I was super pleased. I took him back. BIG MISTAKE.

When he dumped me AGAIN! it was incredibly much worse.  Don't do it. stick to your no toxic people plan. 

You're not thinking of her very much. Keep it that way.  

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9 hours ago, Umadbroyolo said:

I vowed to change my life ...to ...stop talking with toxic people and focus on positivity

... I considered my ex a toxic person for a long time

Kudos to you to keep toxic nasty people out of your life. Stick to it.  Do you really miss her, or the adrenaline rush of the toxic situation?  I would block her, and move onto bigger and better things in this world.  She's a test.  Don't fall backwards.  Stay focused on forwards.

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My ex contacted me recently saying "Hope you're doing good". I replied "Thanks, you too". He got the hint and didn't message me anymore.

He was obviously looking for attention. He can get it elsewhere and so can your ex. 

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Don't respond. Just delete the message and block her. You really have to think carefully about what this person brings into your life. If it's headache and hassle, be proactive and get rid of that contact for good. She shouldn't have been able to get a hold of you in the first place if you cleaned up well the first time. Both of you were not married and you share absolutely zero loose ends from what I can tell. 

Move on. 

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