In a relationship with someone I love but.

[Honeycomb8]

For the first time in many years,I have finally met and developed strong feelings for someone and see a proper future with him. We have a really big connection-perhaps the strongest one I've ever had. His family really likes me, (he says his mum never liked any of the other girls she had met) and my family like him too. My sister gets along super with him (which is f- awesome),and his mum seems to really adore me. I can honestly say that I really love him.

He is the second person I have ever thought of doing the whole marriage and kids thing with. He has been very straightforward and serious towards me (told me I was the love of his life), and is always consistent and expressive. We talk about kids and for the first time ever, it doesn't feel uncomfortable. 

But-why am I again feeling this urge to sabotage it.  I broke up with my ex cos we were fighting and didn't get along. I lost interest in him but now that I'm with someone else I feel the occasional urge to check up on him. I have never cheated and would never, but I am worried my avoidant tendencies are flaring up again. 

I wish I could get over this avoidant thing I do and just be happy and feel normal. 

Does anyone else have avoidant attachment issues, what do you do to keep the weird freak out feelings down.

😞

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Hollyj]

Where do the issues stem from?

[Honeycomb8]

I think they stem from childhood. I have realised a year ago I have avoidant attachment and it's something I have actively tried to change. 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

I have finally met and developed strong feelings for someone 

How long have you been dating?

It seems like you are rushing things and reflect if that's why you are pumping the brakes.

[Rose Mosse]

How long have you been dating this person? You are speaking a lot about how others feel about the two of you but ultimately what matters is what you feel about this person overall. Fluttery feelings will dissipate or neutralize over time once you get to know the person more intimately - all their flaws and hang ups. 

Have you known each other long enough to know those things? 

Stay in touch with your own personal commitments and don't get too carried away with the relationship. You seem over the moon which is fine but it also sounds intoxicating and suffocating. What I would do is make time for my own personal achievements and goals and set aside what the relationship goals are for the time being. They aren't going to fall apart of disintegrate just because you choose to spend some time on yourself. 

Get back to getting grounded and feeling more confident in yourself, not just the relationship. Things should balance out eventually if he is the right person for you.

[DancingFool]

I'm also curious how long have you been in this relationship.

I'd be careful about labeling yourself as avoidant and instead explore why your feelings might be changing. You are listing a lot of superficial checkmarks on papers like his fam, your fam, your sis all liking you both respectively. However, these are not the things that make your relationship good or bad, they are just nice to have's. 

What about how you feel? Are there some red flag coming up for you that you are seeking to sweep under the rug? Are there some issues of compatibility between you that you are not acknowledging?

Usually avoidance happens when we refuse to identify and deal with that inner voice raising certain alarms about our relationship instead of acknowledging them and addressing them one way or another. Be sure that you aren't bottling things up and then seeking an escape, not because you have avoidant attachment, but because you are conflict avoidant. A completely different issue that you actually can unlearn and fix.

[Honeycomb8]

We've been together 9 months. I think he's amazing and if I were to marry this guy I think I would be very happy with him. We have a very similar way of thinking, get on like a house on fire. He possesses a combination of the traits I have always wanted in a guy, and I feel really lucky. He makes me extremely happy.

I had mostly mentioned the family thing because it's a big deal to me-I hardly ever introduce family to ppl I am dating as I'm private and my parents are very old fashioned. 

The avoidance is something I have slowly realised and is something I had always chalked it up as something else. I didn't have the best childhood and it evidently has affected me a lot through the years- this time though I don't want my hot and cold weird fears to get in the way because I want this to go somewhere. I really think we have something special. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Honeycomb8 said:

We've been together 9 months. I think he's amazing and if I were to marry this guy I think I would be very happy with him. We have a very similar way of thinking, get on like a house on fire. He possesses a combination of the traits I have always wanted in a guy, and I feel really lucky. He makes me extremely happy.

I had mostly mentioned the family thing because it's a big deal to me-I hardly ever introduce family to ppl I am dating as I'm private and my parents are very old fashioned. 

The avoidance is something I have slowly realised and is something I had always chalked it up as something else. I didn't have the best childhood and it evidently has affected me a lot through the years- this time though I don't want my hot and cold weird fears to get in the way because I want this to go somewhere. I really think we have something special. 

 

I think you're overthinking the check up on your ex thing. I'd feel differently if you'd contacted your ex and met him behind your boyfriend's back.  I think you might be feeling a little jittery about taking the next step and that's normal.  I think you're getting too caught up in "what does it mean that I checked up on my ex".  I don't know -idle curiosity?