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Not sure if I handled things right


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My heart goes out to you. The most helpful thing that saved my sanity and my heart was when I decided whether I was casual material or relationship material.

Either is fine, but crossing the two is a mess.

If you are relationship material, you'll screen out guys who are casual.

Otherwise, you'll just keep breaking your own heart.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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11 hours ago, Jack said:

That’s true. The thing is, i’m open to casual as well but also open to exploring it further if there’s connection. But I appreciate that not everyone feels the same and for some, the lines between casual and relationship are firmer 🙂

But what do you mean by "connection?" I'd get very specific with myself, if I were you, on what it means when you're interested in "exploring it further if there's connection" - do you mean if the sex is good? If you have a good conversation? If there's a tornado warning and even though you're ok you realize it would be nice to have a partner and your casual hook up is looking like he now has potential? (sorry, we survived a tornado warning yesterday, and yes huddling in an interior room with my husband and son made it so much easier to endure).  It's not about firm lines.  It's about self-honesty.  Because my sense is here you loved the thrill of the chase with someone elusive until the thrill was gone because - oops- you got attached- to someone who showed you right away he wasn't that into you.  So then the 'connection" was based partly on the challenge,  Not on him as a person.

Also what does "exploring" mean -another vague/broad term that tells me that you're not really trying to think seriously about your goals or whether you have any.  If you want to keep things loosey goosey until somehow a feeling washes over you about feeling a connection and an urge to "explore" then please know that you're taking a much larger risk with your heart (and potentially your physical health) than if you're straight with yourself, specific with yourself, specific then with your partner. 

Many people start out casually dating, then choose to become exclusive.  Some start out sort of meeting someone randomly or realizing a friend is more to them - and then are in a position of telling the person about these new desires.  It's all fine.  As long as you're honest and specific with yourself.  To me "exploring" and "connection' are broad throwaway terms. 

If you want to hook up with someone, go for it.  Know the risks since you're a person who is apparently open to getting serious if the feeling washes over you.  Know that your sex partner may be caught off guard if your timing is different than his or if he's not that into you that way. 

By contrast if you put in the effort to get down to basics with yourself, the nitty gritty, then you might make better or more selective choices including where you know the chance of wanting something serious is slim.  Also avoid telling yourself you just want casual if from the beginning you know the person isn't looking for something serious and/or you feel like the person is out of your league.  That's lying to yourself.  That's ignoring your connection to yourself.  

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I appreciate your advice but i’m not sure what to make of it. Generally speaking, a connection is where we have a mutual attraction and want to take things further than casual. It has happened before, I’ve been dating for a while and i’m not sure why that comes across as an odd desire. And I dare so no one is immune to that unless they’re a robot.

The one thing that caught me off guard about this fling is the confusion I had. Normally one or both parties acts in a way that makes it clear things are casual. This was a rare case where the other person acted interested yet didn’t want to be exclusive. (Save the rescheduling, but he was the one always making plans anyhow) I’m not fooling myself here, and this fling is done and dusted, but i’m trying to understand how something that showed potential (and yes it did, i explained in my message) went poof.

Also ‘looking for people out of my league’ is a bit too presumptuous a comment since we don’t know each other at all. 

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It might not have been anything you did. He could have met someone else or is seeing someone. Hence the poof.

You can still connect or share something affectionate that way but it's not going to go towards anything exclusive. He mentioned he still wants to keep seeing other people. 

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7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It might not have been anything you did. He could have met someone else or is seeing someone. Hence the poof.

You can still connect or share something affectionate that way but it's not going to go towards anything exclusive. He mentioned he still wants to keep seeing other people. 

This fling is already over 🙂 I’m looking back on it for future growth. And believe it or not I have no desire to rekindle it.

It’s been a been of a pattern in my past relationships that people start acting colder when I come across keen. Even someone I dated for two years was incredibly warm and affectionate and keen at the start, but once I started getting my walls down (or maybe clingy) he pulled away. So i need to learn whether i’m sabotaging these relationships and get better.

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That's hard to say, Jack. No one would know here except the things you mentioned elsewhere which we talked about not being an issue. I don't think you've done anything wrong. This was just not a match and glad that you've moved past it. 

We can meet a lot of people and still not find a proper match. I married someone and he was also not a match. We evolved into different people over time. 

It's good of you to want to improve too. All things in good time. I think you'll find someone who will understand you. That just takes time and some luck too!

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1 hour ago, Jack said:

I appreciate your advice but i’m not sure what to make of it. Generally speaking, a connection is where we have a mutual attraction and want to take things further than casual. It has happened before, I’ve been dating for a while and i’m not sure why that comes across as an odd desire. And I dare so no one is immune to that unless they’re a robot.

The one thing that caught me off guard about this fling is the confusion I had. Normally one or both parties acts in a way that makes it clear things are casual. This was a rare case where the other person acted interested yet didn’t want to be exclusive. (Save the rescheduling, but he was the one always making plans anyhow) I’m not fooling myself here, and this fling is done and dusted, but i’m trying to understand how something that showed potential (and yes it did, i explained in my message) went poof.

Also ‘looking for people out of my league’ is a bit too presumptuous a comment since we don’t know each other at all. 

I mean that words like connection and exploring are hopelessly broad and can mean anything as opposed to "do you want a serious relationship with me" or "do you see potential for a serious relationship with me".  I don't agree with your take on how people act and reading into how people act to the extent you do.  When a person says he doesn't want to be exclusive believe him -that is where words trump actions - with the rarest of exceptions a person who wants to be with another person would never, ever sabotage that by telling the new person he doesn't want an exclusive relationship - even if he or she wasn't yet sure he wouldn't share that lest the other person immediately shut things down before there's any time spent together.  

Normally one or both parties makes their intentions clear if they are looking for a serious relationship even generally.  Not with the person -who they may have just met -but generally.  By contrast, if nothing is said the assumption is that it's casual at least for now.  But here he was honest with you from the get go, you were fine with it at first, then you realized you weren't so you started reading into so-called signs and ignoring what he told you quite directly and honestly from the get go. He of course would have told you he changed his mind because he wouldn't want you to get snapped up by someone else.

I think it's irrelevant that he made plans with you because as you saw his word meant nothing.  He'd make the plans, knowing that you'd tolerate him rescheduling so that if something better came up he could grab the other option (or if he didn't feel like seeing you/feel like going out).  One time, fine, twice, maybe.  After that I bet he was surprised that you even took seriously when he made a time/place plan with you.  

I never wrote you were looking for people out of your league -I gave you some alternative reasons why things happened the way they are.  

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Thanks Batya! No you’re right, I would never let someone be snatched up by someone else if there was even a hint of romantic interest. And there were even convos we had about how we don’t agree with open relationships and sharing etc. So i know if he cared that much things would have progressed differently .

 

Time for me to stop overthinking and fantasizing and move on properly 🙂 

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