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Posted (edited)

I was seeing this guy one or twice a week for a couple of months. We only really ever hung out at mine but as casual as it was, it was also pretty intense. Lots of deep pillow talk, heaps of compliments back and forth, intimacy like cuddling etc. We also had an amazing time when we hung out, and it was pretty obvious that it was mutual based on some of the things that were said.

 

He was always the one to message me to make plans but he had a tendency to reschedule very often. Almost every time we hung out, he rescheduled to another day. 

 

This started giving me a bit of anxiety that he might have been seeing others so I asked him and he said no, he wasn’t. Then I brought up if he wanted to be exclusive and he said no to that as well because he’s younger and wanted to experience being with others too. Initially I suggested moving on, but then I realized I still wanted to see him so I backtracked. We were set to see each other the next day and agreed to stick to it.

 

Then the next morning, he messaged me again to reschedule. I was so frustrated that I blocked him. (Out of 6 catch ups, this was the 7th time he did this) I know this was wrong and impulsive, and I felt bad, so a couple days later I unblocked him and explained why I did that. He said he really enjoyed getting to know me and his reasons for rescheduling were genuine and he always looked forward to seeing me. I felt guilty and suggested hanging out still, he said he would only do it if it’s ‘more casual because he doesn’t want to catch feelings’.

 

He was also active on apps the whole two months we were seeing each other.


I know this doesn’t seem like much mire than a casual fling, but we were so intense with each other that it felt like more. And now i’m finding it hard to get over it. What makes it worse that, there was this guy he started following, and i suspect that they might be seeing each other. And I haven’t seen him online on apps (which he used to be, very often) and so it feels like for this new guy, he was willing to stop seeing others...

 

I don’t even know what I’m expecting by writing this here but maybe some advice on how to get over it? I feel rejected and like I’m not good enough, and I kind of compare myself to this new guy. I guess the thought of him potentially taking the next step with someone else only a couple of weeks after is heart breaking..

 

I know it’s very likely that i made this into something that it wasn’t in my head, but i’ve been seeing people for so long that I can tell this felt more than just a casual sex thing. I’m also wondering if I had a right to be so upset over the rescheduling? And maybe it was too early to talk about exclusivity? 

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He's always been honest with you -he's not that into you, you're not anywhere near his top priority so he reschedules if a better plan comes along.  You have tolerated it each and every time except this time.  I'm just not sure why you appear to be accusing him of doing something wrong.  He's not - it was always casual, of course he was active on apps!  You don't "catch feelings" that's silly -he simply means he doesn't want to do anything that would increase any sense of commitment.  He'll hang out and hook up when it's convenient for him.  You now want more.  I'd stop seeing him because you two are not on the same wavelength.

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Posted (edited)

I’d say rescheduling on anyone so many times, casual or otherwise, is a bit disrespectful for the other person. But i wasn’t accusing, merely stating the facts.

 

And in terms of him not being that into me, you’re likely right, but also his forwardness and some of the things he said when we hung out made me question this. I have had a lot of casual flings, but never this level of intimacy from someone i’d been seeing casually.
 

But my main reason for posting this was to hear how better I could have handled things cause it’s already over. And I guess how to get over it 🙂

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2 minutes ago, Jack said:

I’d say rescheduling on anyone so many times, casual or otherwise, is a bit disrespectful for the other person. But i wasn’t accusing, merely stating the facts.

 

And in terms of him not being that into me, you’re likely right, but also his forwardness and some of the things he said when we hung out made me question this. I have had a lot of casual flings, but never this level of intimacy from someone i’d been seeing casually.
 

But my main reason for posting this was to hear how better I could have handled things cause it’s already over. And I guess how to get over it 🙂

But if the other person tolerates it the person who always reschedules is entitled to think it's ok.  So I didn't realize from your post it was over.  I think you could have handled things better by not waiting till your resentment/frustration built to that level and by being more honest with yourself about his insistence on keeping things casual.  Of course he wouldn't want to say he wanted to keep it casual if he didn't want that - because if he wanted you to be his, he wouldn't want to risk you being snapped up by someone else.  I've had very intense and intimate conversations and interactions with people who weren't interested in dating me with any serious potential.

I'm sorry you're disappointed!!

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Posted (edited)

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty. The only conversation we had about keeping things casual was at the very end, we’d never spoken about it before. We were also not using protection (which we both said we never did with anyone else) and he said he’d never gone all the way with another guy before. So i guess that’s why I thought maybe it was a bit more than casual. 
 

And you’re right about the rescheduling, I shouldn’t have let it build up to that.


He has been stalking my social media every now and then since, but I guess that doesn’t mean much.

 

I might be grasping at straws here, but does anyone really try to block/prevent their feelings because they’re not ready for a relationship? Especially if they’re to new to it all.

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Jack, be kind to yourself. This man is doing everything humanly possible to sleep with you and not develop deeper feelings. He's not consistent, he wants to see others (doesn't want to be exclusive) and he only hangs out at your place. 

This is unfortunately everything NSA, no strings attached. He doesn't even have to clean up after you because he doesn't host. 

What you do: 

Start engaging with your friends and family. Seek out other support systems and networks. Start getting to know new people and find new experiences. This is hard to start because you'll feel like dragging your feet but do it. Be stern with yourself and get over this guy. He's not doing anything for you to nourish you or help you better yourself overall. A total drain. 

Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground and start walking (away). You can do it. Move forwards.

 

 

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Posted (edited)

Thank you Rose for your kind response! I guess all the signs were in fact there but I was just in denial. Hearing these was like a slap in the face that woke me up.

 

I sometimes wonder if something was developing and I ruined it by being ‘clingy’ too soon.. in situations like this where it’s casual but you might start wanting more, what would be the best course of action?

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32 minutes ago, Jack said:

Thank you Rose for your kind response! I guess all the signs were in fact there but I was just in denial. Hearing these was like a slap in the face that woke me up.

 

I sometimes wonder if something was developing and I ruined it by being ‘clingy’ too soon.. in situations like this where it’s casual but you might start wanting more, what would be the best course of action?

You were not clingy. This person just doesn't want what you want. You go your separate ways. That is what you do, the best course of action. Don't cajole, don't try to convince, don't hang around, don't abuse your body agreeing to sex on terms you are not comfortable with (casual rl) or dig yourself into a deeper hole being a doormat to someone else. 

If he doesn't want to be exclusive with you, you end communication and stop having sex with that person because you deserve so much more. Draw your boundaries and your lines. 

Sooner or later you will attract others who are much more similar to you but you've got to stop being a follower or following what others want blindly without caring for yourself and being firm that you prefer something much more than just a casual relationship.

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Posted (edited)

Thanks Rose! Perhaps I made the right decision by not agreeing to his terms then.
 

I guess the optimist in me kept thinking “Maybe I killed the spark when it was just developing” but the truth is, you’re both right in that, if there was any glimmer of serious interest, he wouldn’t have wanted to lose me. After all, wanting to be exclusive is not an insult and some people would appreciate it. And if someone asked me to be exclusive, even if I wasn’t *entirely* sure but there was interest, I would have said something like “I’m not ready for that quite yet, but I like seeing you and i’m happy to see where this goes” rather than a firm no. 🙂

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10 hours ago, Jack said:

. We only really ever hung out at mine but as casual as it was, it was also pretty intense. 

You both decided it was casual so that's what it was.

Is living with someone?

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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, Jack said:

I was seeing this guy one or twice a week for a couple of months. We only really ever hung out at mine but as casual as it was, it was also pretty intense. Lots of deep pillow talk, heaps of compliments back and forth, intimacy like cuddling etc. We also had an amazing time when we hung out, and it was pretty obvious that it was mutual based on some of the things that were said.

 

He was always the one to message me to make plans but he had a tendency to reschedule very often. Almost every time we hung out, he rescheduled to another day. 

 

This started giving me a bit of anxiety that he might have been seeing others so I asked him and he said no, he wasn’t. Then I brought up if he wanted to be exclusive and he said no to that as well because he’s younger and wanted to experience being with others too. Initially I suggested moving on, but then I realized I still wanted to see him so I backtracked. We were set to see each other the next day and agreed to stick to it.

 

Then the next morning, he messaged me again to reschedule. I was so frustrated that I blocked him. (Out of 6 catch ups, this was the 7th time he did this) I know this was wrong and impulsive, and I felt bad, so a couple days later I unblocked him and explained why I did that. He said he really enjoyed getting to know me and his reasons for rescheduling were genuine and he always looked forward to seeing me. I felt guilty and suggested hanging out still, he said he would only do it if it’s ‘more casual because he doesn’t want to catch feelings’.

 

He was also active on apps the whole two months we were seeing each other.


I know this doesn’t seem like much mire than a casual fling, but we were so intense with each other that it felt like more. And now i’m finding it hard to get over it. What makes it worse that, there was this guy he started following, and i suspect that they might be seeing each other. And I haven’t seen him online on apps (which he used to be, very often) and so it feels like for this new guy, he was willing to stop seeing others...

 

I don’t even know what I’m expecting by writing this here but maybe some advice on how to get over it? I feel rejected and like I’m not good enough, and I kind of compare myself to this new guy. I guess the thought of him potentially taking the next step with someone else only a couple of weeks after is heart breaking..

 

I know it’s very likely that i made this into something that it wasn’t in my head, but i’ve been seeing people for so long that I can tell this felt more than just a casual sex thing. I’m also wondering if I had a right to be so upset over the rescheduling? And maybe it was too early to talk about exclusivity? 

I’m so sorry to hear you’ve had this experience Jack. 
 

But...

 

You ARE 1000% worth having a guy date you, be with you, love you and see you exclusively. 
 

Yes, some people take longer than others to reach the point of exclusivity, it can be first date or 10th date. (I would say for people who want a monogamous relationship date 3-5 is average).

 

You just happened to fall for someone who does not want a monogamous exclusive relationship right now. He isn’t bad for wanting that, but, equally it sounds like he didn’t treat you with the respect you 100% deserve. 
 

The two important things here, in my view are...

 

1) Please treat YOURSELF with the respect you deserve. You don’t deserve to be rescheduled on 6 times, and you do deserve to be with someone who wants a committed, exclusive relationship.

 

2) To move on from this, start looking for people, (and filtering those) who like you absolutely want an exclusive relationship. These sorts of things can be filtered on dating apps and within the first few dates of conversation with someone. Don’t be afraid to bring it up, and politely ask what the other guy wants . 
 

Statements such as ‘I don’t want to catch feelings’ are a) rooted in toxic masculinity and internalised homophobia and b) A very clear sign that person is not right for you, at all. 
 

It is totally possible and indeed something many of us go through, to have intense feelings and attraction to people who are not right for us. Believe me, most of us have been there. The gay community for all its wonders and positive aspects, also has a very dark side, which often presents an uphill challenge to find a partner who wants romance, monogamy and that form of life together.

 

I promise you, it is out there though. 
 

Dont fixate on this other guy, whether he’s with someone or not, he’s clearly not ready now for that form of relationship, and I suspect with his behaviour and statements, will not be so for many years to come, if ever.

 

See this as a learning curve, not just about what you want in a relationship, but, crucially, about what you deserve in life and in a relationship.


On a practical note. I know it’s difficult with covid restrictions right now, but I would advise you to go on dates with potential guys, rather than invite them over for hookups to begin with. I think it’s totally fine to sleep with them early on and have them over, but a relationship needs the light of day. It needs variety, it needs two people to get to know each other while doing something fun in the world outside a house. 
 

It also sets the tone for the relationship. 
 

If a guy isn’t willing to go out on a date with you, or isn’t willing to plan things with you or have them planned that don’t involve sex followed by some pillow talk and repeat, then they aren’t WORTH your time or being in a relationship with. 

chin up, you will meet the right man, even if you have to kiss some frogs in the process. 

 

 

Edited by RJbear86
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Thank you RJBear86! Reading your comments definitely helped me feel better about this situation. This is the kind of advice that I needed. 🙂

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Unforuantely, this was always just a fling for him. He very clearly did not take you or your time seriously. 

So, there really was nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. He was there for a good time, but not a long time. His social media stalking is meaningless. It just suggests he's keeping an eye on you in case he feels like having sex again. Delete him from social media so you're not tempted to play mind games with yourself and assume it means he's still interested. 

In the future, extricate yourself from situations like this cleanly. Don't tolerate all the rescheduling. Simply recognize the signs that someone is not interested in the same things you are, and move along. And do NOT have unprotected sex with people you hardly know. You have no clue if he's being honest that he hasn't been doing the same with others. Plenty of shady characters will tell you what you want to hear and you didn't know him anywhere near well enough to trust that he's being truthful. It is not worth the serious risk to your health. 

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13 hours ago, Jack said:

I might be grasping at straws here, but does anyone really try to block/prevent their feelings because they’re not ready for a relationship? Especially if they’re to new to it all.

People can do anything.  People can be ready for a relationship and not ready. Here's what I found most productive when I was looking for a serious relationship.  If someone wasn't that into me, the end. I wasn't a therapist or their mother or their friend so the reason didn't matter-other than to my ego I guess.  If he said he wasn't available I added silently "to me" - if he said "it's not you it's me" I assumed he wasn't that into me.  It helped me move on and in this small world it stung less when I heard he was with someone new and serious and in love -Mr. Unavailable.  Grasping at straws sabotages your efforts to find the right person -self-sabotage. 

Here's a basic truth . People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  So if a person wants to be with you -badly enough -and he is single etc he will make it happen whether that means getting therapy before asking you out, choosing to overcome any fears or jitters of being with you or being serious, and - poof- the fears fade away and are overcome by moving towards the pleasure of being with you.

People who have never been in a relationship somehow find a way to connect - when they want to.  People who don't want it badly enough will make every excuse in the book to themselves or someone else to avoid putting in whatever the effort is to get involved.  It's just like the people who tell you how much they would love to have coffee with you, schedule a phone call, meet for a walk in the park .... and if you actually try to make a plan it's never the right time often because they have to find their mismatched socks and match them again or - here's a good one from real life after my friend and I hadn't had an actual phone convo in months - "my daughter is texting me now about whether it's safe to eat three day old mac and cheese for lunch, gotta go" (adult daughter).

  Remove all that useless sabotaging noise from your head, avoid playing analysy or therapist -that's just your silly ego talking.  Accept that sometimes people are just not that into you for whatever reason under the son.  

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12 hours ago, Jack said:

Thanks Rose! Perhaps I made the right decision by not agreeing to his terms then.
 

I guess the optimist in me kept thinking “Maybe I killed the spark when it was just developing” but the truth is, you’re both right in that, if there was any glimmer of serious interest, he wouldn’t have wanted to lose me. After all, wanting to be exclusive is not an insult and some people would appreciate it. And if someone asked me to be exclusive, even if I wasn’t *entirely* sure but there was interest, I would have said something like “I’m not ready for that quite yet, but I like seeing you and i’m happy to see where this goes” rather than a firm no. 🙂

There are a few things that cross my mind when I'm dating someone: whether that person meets the criteria I'm looking for in a long term relationship. The last thing I consider is whether that other person is interested. 

From what you've written he is a total flake or can't keep any plans made. The interaction or hang outs were also one-sided in that he mostly came over to your place. 

If you are attracted to someone you're seeing, you have to take those things into account. 

A person is not going to change who they are just because you decide to be exclusive. The characteristics you observe while dating should already be screening this guy out and putting him in the loser folder. This might sound harsh but you're considering your time here, your health, your home and your level of involvement with a person so never take this lightly.

Be more discerning when you're meeting others. Unfortunately you like him a lot but that is not enough. Having an attraction for someone is one thing. Making sure that they are a good match is something else. Raise your bar. 

I wouldn't hold out for this person if I were you because he's been a disappointment in the past time and time again. What you both had was mediocre or even dropping below that because he doesn't respect your time or value your time. You do not need him to say "no". You should say no.

 

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16 hours ago, Jack said:

But my main reason for posting this was to hear how better I could have handled things

 

15 hours ago, Jack said:

I sometimes wonder if something was developing and I ruined it by being ‘clingy’ too soon.. in situations like this where it’s casual but you might start wanting more, what would be the best course of action?

You need to feel confident in the way that YOU like to date, and cut off the guys that have a different dating style the minute you see those differences.

It's not clingy to want to be exclusive with someone you've been intimate with for 2 months. The trick is to find someone who is on the same page, and if they are not, you don't belong together.

Believe me, I've been frustrated when I was single and dating and found a guy who was sexy, fun, etc., yet we clearly had different dating/life goals. I usually did the wise thing and cut them off as soon as I saw this all important difference. I did make one major mistake by dating someone a whole year who was faithful and hoping for a lifetime relationship, but I was clearly not a priority and we were a mismatch with communication styles and the quality of time spent together.

Never feel like you're "less than" because of this mismatch's choices. When you meet a far better match, you will look back with a different lens and appreciate your new partner that much more. I know that happened to me. Take care.

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8 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

From what you've written he is a total flake or can't keep any plans made. The interaction or hang outs were also one-sided in that he mostly came over to your place. 

Thanks Rose! You’re spot on with everything you said. Only thing I should have mentioned is that he lives with family which is why we always hung out at my place. (He’s a few years younger)
 

6 hours ago, Andrina said:

It's not clingy to want to be exclusive with someone you've been intimate with for 2 months. The trick is to find someone who is on the same page, and if they are not, you don't belong together.

This makes total sense Andrina. I also agree that I need to ‘filter’ out people who have different expectations. Thank you for your comments!

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It's just sex for him it seems. I don't think I would ever allow someone to flake on me more than once. It's crappy and why are you putting up with it? He didn't even want to be exclusive-it shouldn't be that difficult. 

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22 minutes ago, Honeycomb8 said:

It's just sex for him it seems. I don't think I would ever allow someone to flake on me more than once. It's crappy and why are you putting up with it? He didn't even want to be exclusive-it shouldn't be that difficult. 

I agree, I don’t know why I put it with it so much in the first place. In the past I overreacted to such things so i guess I was just trying to be adaptable and lost the balance. But ultimately that was the last straw for me anyway 🙂

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32 minutes ago, Jack said:

I agree, I don’t know why I put it with it so much in the first place. In the past I overreacted to such things so i guess I was just trying to be adaptable and lost the balance. But ultimately that was the last straw for me anyway 🙂

Like I said -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  I don't think you were trying to be adaptable -you were very attracted to him and his elusiveness probably made him all the more attractive, a challenge.  That was the benefit from putting up with it.

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6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Like I said -people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  I don't think you were trying to be adaptable -you were very attracted to him and his elusiveness probably made him all the more attractive, a challenge.  That was the benefit from putting up with it.

True! I’m terrible at bait and switch. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why relationships fizzle out in the beginning? I never try to make myself unavailable or elusive and what not, i’m usually quite direct. So there’s not much chase involved for the other party.

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10 minutes ago, Jack said:

True! I’m terrible at bait and switch. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why relationships fizzle out in the beginning? I never try to make myself unavailable or elusive and what not, i’m usually quite direct. So there’s not much chase involved for the other party.

So you can be direct and not be overeager or clingy.  Two different things.  He was elusive not by design - because he wasn't that into you.  You likely saw that as a challenge, a turn on -you weren't trying to be more adaptable- you wanted to win the prize you thought he as.  No one should chase.  I'm a fan of getting to know people over a longer period of time - unwrapping layers of a package -both as far as what is shared and as far as sexual intimacy.  Not a fan of insta-relationships or proclaiming that chatting intimately for two weeks is the "same as" dating for months.  No, it's not.  At all.  

Don't play games but have a fun and fulfilling and busy life so you're naturally not overly available.  Especially to someone who cancels. 

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)

I know “he’s not that into you” is an easy conclusion to jump to, and believe me that’s what I’m inclined to believe. Only thing that makes me question this is that initially, first couple of times, he said he deleted apps and didn’t reschedule and was way more adaptable. Then I did/said a few things that might have seemed overly eager which i thought might have pushed him away. Killed the spark before it started, so to speak.


I do appreciate your comments and advice, but knowing the specifics of the situation and having had the conversations we had and what not, I like to explore other possibilities and learn from this experience and act accordingly in future relationships. 🙂 Obviously the ending was in fact “he’s not that into me” but I just wonder what changed his behavior and caused him to perhaps lose interest. It could certainly have been him knowing me better, or I could have come across too keen and made myself available to soon and pushed him away?

 

Isn’t it human psychology after all to want to chase and want something you can’t have..

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Posted (edited)

After  one time of this type of flakiness I would not have continued.  The guy is unreliable and does not respect your time. 

Expect more from people. 

Edited by Hollyj
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4 minutes ago, Jack said:

I know “he’s not that into you” is an easy conclusion to jump to, and believe me that’s what I’m inclined to believe. Only thing that makes me question this is that initially, first couple of times, he said he deleted apps and was way more eager go make plans. Then I did/said a few things that might have seemed overly eager which i thought might have pushed him away. Killed the spark before it started, so to speak.


I do appreciate your comments and advice, but knowing the specifics of the situation and having had the conversations we had and what not, I like to explore other possibilities and learn from this experience and act accordingly in future relationships. 🙂 Obviously the ending was in fact “he’s not that into me” but I just wonder what changes his behavior and causes him to perhaps lose interest. It could certaimly have been him getting to know me more, or I could have come across to keen and made myself available to soon? 

Can you give examples of the above? 

I think you're making the mistake at the start thinking that casual relationships lead to serious long term relationships. I am not sure where you are getting this idea. What starts off as a casual roll in the hay, generally stays a casual roll in the hay and the dynamics are set like that (from experience). You set a very low bar for this person and he simply wiggled his way in and nestled comfortably there in that low crawling space. 

Both of you seem like different types of people. I'm not surprised that you repelled him.. naturally. 

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