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1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

At least start out with not having to be inconvenienced as a constant chauffeur for a boyfriend or in other cases a girlfriend.  At least have both people as drivers with insurance and economical stability.   Start relationships without unnecessary stress. 

It sounds like the OP is on the way to resolving this issue from her updates.  Your post again assumes that everyone needs to drive.  It's just not true.  At all.  Financial stability?  Cannot agree more (unless they meet as high school sweethearts but even then you can figure out if the work ethic/good financial values are there) .  She's not chauffering him around -she wants to go places where a car is needed.  He enjoys those places too . She's not driving him for his convenience only.  And if she doesn't want to live in the city with him then she's inconveniencing him in basically forcing him to drive if they end up living in the burbs.  Not everyone lives in the burbs or wants a car or needs to drive. 

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Ok, rather than chauffeuring him around, let him rent a vehicle for weekends, and uber for shopping, etc.   Does he pay you for fuel, insurance, maintenance, etc.? The money he is saving is your

Thank you 🙂 I'll always be buying my first house for myself and no one else, regardless 

Why are you attacking other posters? You're going on and on about what if blind, what if debilitated, etc., etc., etc. What's the beef? Over and over and over about divorce and catastrophic illne

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And if he lives in a city make sure he is comfortable with public transportation including train schedules and keeping his card up to date ,that he knows how to get around, knows when there are schedule changes/shut downs.  Make sure he is comfortable with lots of walking to get places, good at timing that.  When I was growing up and doing most of my 20 plus years of dating and being in serious relationships the fact that a guy had a car was often a liability, the fact that he could drive, largely irrelevant.  But I had no patience for the high maintenance types who wouldn't readily take public transportation, balked at going out in the rain because they'd have to do a lot of walking or wait to get into a restaurant, etc. 

If he expects her to drive him places where she's not driving anyway he needs to chip in.  But if she wants to go to those places anyway she's not chauffering him.  

I dated someone for years who lived with his sister in the city.  I lived close by.  At some point she decided to buy a car.  She thoroughly enjoyed having us plus friends pile in her car on a Sunday to drive out of town to a big box store like costco and shop.  I never heard from her or my boyfriend that she wanted people to help pay for gas or buy her lunch or whatever -she had fun doing this.  We all spent a lot of time together and were informally treating each other to stuff regularly.  Apart from her choosing to buy a car -that's just how we rolled.  

I agree with Dancingfool.

It's all about personal choice, preferences and lifestyle.  If she is clearly uncomfortable remaining as her boyfriend's chauffeur every single time he relies on her, obviously, he is not for her.  She should be paired up with a guy who won't burden her for transportation.

For other people who rely on public transportation such as Uber, Lyft, train, subway, bus, taxi, walking, cycling or what have you, I think it's great if that's your geography, what you're comfortable with and your lifestyle.  For others, it's not their cup of tea nor their lifestyle. 

For some people, it depends on where you live.  I don't live in the city.  I live in the suburbs.  I need my car for trips to the grocery store and weekly Costco trips.  My husband and I need our cars to commute to work post-pandemic, we don't have a railway close by and our relatives and in-laws are several freeways away.  We don't even have nearby bus stops either. 

As for OP, Emmafxr, if she's grumbling about feeling burdensome and inconvenienced, be with a guy who will make her life easier and happier.  It's not rocket science.

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It sounds like the OP is on the way to resolving this issue from her updates.  Your post again assumes that everyone needs to drive.  It's just not true.  At all.  Financial stability?  Cannot agree more (unless they meet as high school sweethearts but even then you can figure out if the work ethic/good financial values are there) .  She's not chauffering him around -she wants to go places where a car is needed.  He enjoys those places too . She's not driving him for his convenience only.  And if she doesn't want to live in the city with him then she's inconveniencing him in basically forcing him to drive if they end up living in the burbs.  Not everyone lives in the burbs or wants a car or needs to drive. 

I agree.  However, if she's not happy with him regarding this transportation issue, this problem will not go away.  Either accept the situation and deal with it or choose a man which suits her lifestyle and preferences. 

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12 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree.  However, if she's not happy with him regarding this transportation issue, this problem will not go away.  Either accept the situation and deal with it or choose a man which suits her lifestyle and preferences. 

Definitely. I see in her update it appears to be resolved. 

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2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

At least start out with not having to be inconvenienced as a constant chauffeur for a boyfriend or in other cases a girlfriend.  At least have both people as drivers with insurance and economical stability.   Start relationships without unnecessary stress. 

Whenever life is hard, relationships suffer.  I've seen it countless and endless times all around me whether friends, neighbors, relatives, in-laws and acquaintances.  It's universal.

Regarding for richer or poor, in sickness and health, 'til death due us part.  Unfortunately, again, relationships and marriages suffer due to serious health issues of all sorts.  There are many instances where partners are devoted to each other despite extremely stressful situations. 

However, it doesn't mean they are actually happy.  I've observed this with my maternal grandparents.  My grandfather was extremely sickly and his wife became very bitter, resentful and miserable.  Not that it happens all the time but after years,  she eventually became fed up playing his never ending, backbreaking, around-the-clock nursemaid and she left him.  No surprise there.

I admire couples who are in it for the long haul despite miserable conditions but again, it doesn't mean they're happy with each other anymore so yes, the relationship suffers and dies.  Any former love for the person causing burdens, slips away, unfortunately. 

Again, I've observed this with my own cousin.  At first, her husband was vital and they had a few good years.  She knew of his illnesses but thought that love conquers all.  She couldn't have been more wrong.  Her husband succumbed to a progression of debilitating autoimmune disorder (MS - Multiple Sclerosis to be exact) and on top of that, he has Epileptic seizures.  Are they still married?  Yes.  However, she has told me up and down how seriously miserable she is.  Unfortunately, money stands in the way of things.  Since she is the main and only breadwinner and raising their children,  she is hosed with alimony, losing their house, he certainly cannot afford in home nurse care and the list goes on.  It's complicated.  Her husband sleeps all day and every responsibility is dumped onto her shoulders. 

So, to answer your question, obviously, it's better to choose wisely when it comes to being with a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, potential marriage man or woman.  Who in their right mind wants to experience a hard life?  It's not fun.

Same with finances.  I've watched my own parents have an abysmal marriage due to constant lack of money, financial hardship, our house was in embarrassing shambles, debt, poor health (my chain smoking alcoholic, wife beater late father) and my siblings and I living a constant hand-to-mouth existence. 

Don't forget constant, endless arguments whenever life is hard and harsh.  It doesn't make for lovey dovey relationships. 

Haste makes waste.  It's better to shop around and because I did, my life is stable, smooth and comfortable.  Making wise choices from the very beginning pays off later.  I certainly was not going to repeat other people's mistakes.  Thanks but no thanks.

And what if suddenly you suffered a life altering health condition that debilitated you completely? Would you be okay with your husband divorcing you because he saw you as a burden? 

 

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For three years I drove an ex around. He was stingy so wanted to split meals and would only occasionally buy my dinner. He didn't contribute fuel wise and would get mad if I didn't understand his crappy GPS directions. 

For the past few years I have been picked up and driven everywhere. This guy needs to start contributing and get a car. Don't have him move in until he gets this sorted :/.

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2 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

And what if suddenly you suffered a life altering health condition that debilitated you completely? Would you be okay with your husband divorcing you because he saw you as a burden? 

 

I've already said that many couples remain together despite burdens.   I would remain in my marriage.  My husband and I've survived several surgeries, financial close calls and various family crisis.  I didn't go anywhere and neither did he.  We took our wedding vows very seriously.  Fortunately, for us, we were able to eventually succeed and prosper.  Everyone doesn't have a blessed outcome. 

I've never said it was ok to divorce due to burdens of all sorts such as health woes, lack of employment, financial instabilities and the gamut.  I've said that it is of no surprise that many relationships and marriages disintegrate, crumble and fall apart whether or not couples remain together.  The spirit is what dies inside.  There are unhappy couples whether they are together or divorced due to life's trials and tribulations.  Many couples do not endure nor survive and if they do, they basically hate each others guts despite trying to remain civil most of the time.  That's life and the harsh reality of the situation.  There's patience but not comfortable, joyous love due to hardship.  

As for the OP, Emmafxr, she either accepts, deals and copes with her situation with her boyfriend or shop around for a boyfriend who will give her an easier, smoother life in general. 

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7 hours ago, Honeycomb8 said:

For three years I drove an ex around. He was stingy so wanted to split meals and would only occasionally buy my dinner. He didn't contribute fuel wise and would get mad if I didn't understand his crappy GPS directions. 

For the past few years I have been picked up and driven everywhere. This guy needs to start contributing and get a car. Don't have him move in until he gets this sorted :/.

He isn’t moving in though. He just bought his own place. And he contributes in all other ways. 

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8 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

And what if suddenly you suffered a life altering health condition that debilitated you completely? Would you be okay with your husband divorcing you because he saw you as a burden? 

 

Why are you attacking other posters? You're going on and on about what if blind, what if debilitated, etc., etc., etc.

What's the beef? Over and over and over about divorce and catastrophic illness?

None of which pertains to the OP.

Start your own threads rather than attacking everyone and detailing/hijacking the OP thread.

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10 hours ago, Honeycomb8 said:

For three years I drove an ex around. He was stingy so wanted to split meals and would only occasionally buy my dinner. He didn't contribute fuel wise and would get mad if I didn't understand his crappy GPS directions

For the past few years I have been picked up and driven everywhere. This guy needs to start contributing and get a car. Don't have him move in until he gets this sorted :/.

Lol! That is the worst. The last minute indication to turn as we pass the turn entirely.. Luckily he is an ex. 

 

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11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you attacking other posters? You're going on and on about what if blind, what if debilitated, etc., etc., etc.

What's the beef? Over and over and over about divorce and catastrophic illness?

None of which pertains to the OP.

Start your own threads rather than attacking everyone and detailing/hijacking the OP thread.

Thank you for being wise and kind.

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Posted (edited)

I would try and be more understanding that he saved to buy his own place and I am assuming you are not a chauffer in driving him to work, picking him up for lunch, and after work. He lives in the city center so he has everything close by. If you don't want to drive him around, why not just drive to his place and go for a walk or get an uber next time you go out so you can have a glass of wine etc. and not have to drive?

Since he already pays half when going out, he has no intentions to use you or take advantage of you. I would try and go with the mindset that a relationship is a place to give, and appreciate him for being so nice in other areas 🙂

I also wouldn't be making him feel guilty and useless etc, but instead just work it out that you can get uber when going out if you don't feel like driving to go on dates etc. 

 

 

Edited by mical
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IMO he's never had a need to get a car, and just because his GF does doesn't mean he has to. So I see his point. Make him pay for gas and let him get behind the wheel once in awhile. He needs to keep his driving skill fresh.

 

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I'm surprised at how highly charged a topic this is. I mean, my husband didn't do the cooking. It's not that he was incapable of cooking, I just was the better cook and I enjoy cooking. So we cut a deal; I would do the cooking and he would clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes. And we agreed I would have Saturday nights off from cooking so we'd either get takeout or go to a restaurant.  This worked fine for us! I would have found it hilarious if people advised me to divorce him because he didn't cook!

Now, if I did all the cooking and he refused to lift a finger to do cleanup and wash dishes that would be a different story.

OP, how would you like this to be resolved?  Would your only acceptable resolution be for him to buy a car and split the driving? Or are you open to a different solution? 

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