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Boyfriend doesn't drive


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1 hour ago, Emmafxr said:

But now I know that he doesn't have any intentions of owning a car, it's made me feel a bit deflated. 

Agree. He seems spoiled entitled and taking advantage. Don't let him.

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1 hour ago, Emmafxr said:

Thanks LaHermes. He's very genuine and over all, he's a really nice person and treats me well. We don't have any plans marriage-wise, I'm planning on buying a house in the next year or two (I have always wanted to get my first mortgage on my own, regardless of relationship status) and we'll see how it goes from there I guess. We've spoke about him moving in with me and renting out his flat. I am DEFINITELY buying a house with parking available, so maybe then he'll be more inclined to get a car... 

another alternative- unless you really want to go to the place that requires driving tell him you want to cut back on driving places and do more stuff where he lives where you said he doesn’t need to drive. 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

another alternative- unless you really want to go to the place that requires driving tell him you want to cut back on driving places and do more stuff where he lives where you said he doesn’t need to drive. 

Yup , I am sure there is plenty to do around his place . 

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23 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Yup , I am sure there is plenty to do around his place . 

I got the sense she wanted to go to those driveable places. Certainly if he asks her to drive him to shopping or errands that’s totally different 

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Just now, Tonight.majestic said:

Perhaps he can pay more for gas? 

Here's the thing. I've seen couples where the woman doesn't drive and the man drives her everywhere without any issues. 

My friend has a license but barely ever drives- also grew up in the same city as me.  His wife does 99% of the driving.  Always has.  they've lived in the suburbs for almost 20 years.

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1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

My friend has a license but barely ever drives- also grew up in the same city as me.  His wife does 99% of the driving.  Always has.  they've lived in the suburbs for almost 20 years.

I think if a relationship is great in all other aspects, why end it over driving? 

Why does a relationship have to be 50/50 these days? Why are people so hell bent on keeping score on everything? 

Lastly, why not do more activities in the city?

Can he help you pay for part of your insurance? Gas? Financing? 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

I think if a relationship is great in all other aspects, why end it over driving? 

Why does a relationship have to be 50/50 these days? Why are people so hell bent on keeping score on everything? 

Lastly, why not do more activities in the city?

Can he help you pay for part of your insurance? Gas? Financing? 

 

 

I don't think most people keep score or expect 50/50 or that it has anything to do with "these days" -we never have in my relationship or marriage.  I think in this specific situation she's concerned overall about whether they have a fair relationship, not whether it's 50/50.  Two different things.

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"he says driving just isn't for him and he doesn't need one."

All you have to do is mention that you're not comfortable doing all the driving and you're also not comfortable insuring him on your car. Leave it at that. Make other plans on your time off and balance out your time doing other things or meeting friends. Whether he ultimately has a vehicle is his decision. 

For all you know this is his one foot out the door of a relationship that isn't working for whatever reason for him either. 

This is about you and establishing what you will/won't do. Be clear with yourself and make up your mind and then let him know.

Don't worry yourself over trying to convince anyone to see things your way. Explain clearly. He'll have to fill in the blanks which I'm sure he's more than capable of. Don't sweat this. 

 

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Find a boyfriend replacement.  Make sure he drives, has his own car, pays for his insurance and economically stable. 

When my husband and I were dating, of course, we both drove, both had cars, insurance and everything was great.  This is how it should be if you don't want to be his permanent unpaid chauffeur. 

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Find a boyfriend replacement.  Make sure he drives, has his own car, pays for his insurance and economically stable. 

When my husband and I were dating, of course, we both drove, both had cars, insurance and everything was great.  This is how it should be if you don't want to be his permanent unpaid chauffeur. 

What if your husband couldn't drive anymore due to some health issue like going blind? Then what? Divorce? 

 

Edited by Tonight.majestic
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I will say I didn’t drive when my husband and I got together and nor did I have a car. He didn’t think I was an unworthy partner. I have had severe anxiety my entire life and it was the reason I didn’t want to drive. I did learn to drive eventually. However, when we are in a car together he always drives. We just prefer it that way. 
 

He was more concerned with my personal traits and who I was as a person and still is. 

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1 hour ago, Tonight.majestic said:

What if your husband couldn't drive anymore due to some health issue like going blind? Then what? Divorce? 

The OP is not married to him, they are not family and he is an uninsured driver. Putting him on the insurance is a huge liablitity so is him driving her car. He simply won't buy a car and she chauffeurs him around.  What the outrage? He's not blind😂

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19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I don't know if this has been asked.  Sorry I skimmed the thread. 

Have you told him how you feel? Or does he think you're cool with this? 

Hi Lambert,

Yes I've told him how I feel and he says he does feel bad that the driving always falls to me, but a car just isn't something he needs. His new flat doesn't have any parking facilities, so he has no plans to get one at any time soon. He would be willing to be put on my insurance but I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest.

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16 hours ago, LaHermes said:

AS I mentioned before, she can put him on her insurance as a "named driver" , and let him pay for that extra on the premium.  Anyhow he should be paying half the insurance already. Of course he can help with the driving. But I get the feeling he is either scared of driving or else it's easier to be chauffeured. 

I have a younger member of family as named driver on my insurance, just in case. It's a common practice here. 

 

This is for you Emma to give to the "driving-averse":

A driving phobia, like other specific phobias, can interfere with your daily routine and affect your quality of life. The good news: It’s possible to learn how to be comfortable with driving.

If you notice anxiety, fear, or panic while driving or as a passenger in a car, make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider who has experience diagnosing and treating phobias.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/understanding-your-fear-of-driving

Thanks LaHermes. I've actually spoken to him about it since I posted this, and there is pretty much no chance of him getting a car anytime soon. He'd be happy to be put on my insurance for a day or two (I think you can get insured for just a month etc) when needed, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. He said that a car is just not something that he needs, and even if he did want one he has nowhere to keep it. He did feel genuinely guilty that the driving falls on me all the time, and did offer to pay for petrol more often etc.

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Well, he's told you what he's willing to do or not do, so you will have to see if you can continue on with him without seething about that particular point in the relationship.

I actually hate the way my husband drives, tailgating for one, so I prefer to drive whenever possible. If he ends up driving I'm a nervous passenger and we end up bickering.

This is my second marriage and with my dating experiences before that, I know how hard it is to find a decent man. One who is faithful, kind, financially stable, and with all of the other traits I find important.

Only you know if he's worth sticking with regarding the culmination of who he is as a partner. If you remain with him, try to view things with a different mindset so you're not bottling up negativity that will eat you alive.

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Posted (edited)
7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Well, he's told you what he's willing to do or not do, so you will have to see if you can continue on with him without seething about that particular point in the relationship.

I actually hate the way my husband drives, tailgating for one, so I prefer to drive whenever possible. If he ends up driving I'm a nervous passenger and we end up bickering.

This is my second marriage and with my dating experiences before that, I know how hard it is to find a decent man. One who is faithful, kind, financially stable, and with all of the other traits I find important.

Only you know if he's worth sticking with regarding the culmination of who he is as a partner. If you remain with him, try to view things with a different mindset so you're not bottling up negativity that will eat you alive.

I agree, is this worth breaking up with a stable decent person over . 

Edited by Seraphim
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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Emmafxr said:

Hi Lambert,

Yes I've told him how I feel and he says he does feel bad that the driving always falls to me, but a car just isn't something he needs. His new flat doesn't have any parking facilities, so he has no plans to get one at any time soon. He would be willing to be put on my insurance but I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest.

hmmm. well I guess it's something you have to decide if you can deal with.  

frankly the reason he doesn't need a car, is not because he doesn't use one. It because he uses yours, with you driving. 

So that is a distinction, he is not recognizing.

 

Edited by Lambert
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I'm actually struggling to understand what specifically bothers you about this if you feel that your relationship overall is pretty fair and balanced in terms of how you are both contributing to it.

I love to drive and pretty much always drive in every single relationship, especially on out of town trips.

So I'm kind of curious - is this about some image of "the man needing to be the driver as a masculinity thing" that you are stuck on? Or is it that you are starting to feel resentful because your relationship is not feeling very equitable after all?

 

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2 hours ago, Emmafxr said:

He would be willing to be put on my insurance but I'm not sure how I feel about that to be honest.

Agree. Don't put him on your insurance. It's a liability you don't need. He needs to grow up, be responsible and pay for uber, rentals, public transport, etc.

It's not just the money for gas, maintenance, insurance, etc. It's about his being irresponsible .

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Find a boyfriend replacement.  Make sure he drives, has his own car, pays for his insurance and economically stable. 

When my husband and I were dating, of course, we both drove, both had cars, insurance and everything was great.  This is how it should be if you don't want to be his permanent unpaid chauffeur. 

And if he lives in a city make sure he is comfortable with public transportation including train schedules and keeping his card up to date ,that he knows how to get around, knows when there are schedule changes/shut downs.  Make sure he is comfortable with lots of walking to get places, good at timing that.  When I was growing up and doing most of my 20 plus years of dating and being in serious relationships the fact that a guy had a car was often a liability, the fact that he could drive, largely irrelevant.  But I had no patience for the high maintenance types who wouldn't readily take public transportation, balked at going out in the rain because they'd have to do a lot of walking or wait to get into a restaurant, etc. 

If he expects her to drive him places where she's not driving anyway he needs to chip in.  But if she wants to go to those places anyway she's not chauffering him.  

I dated someone for years who lived with his sister in the city.  I lived close by.  At some point she decided to buy a car.  She thoroughly enjoyed having us plus friends pile in her car on a Sunday to drive out of town to a big box store like costco and shop.  I never heard from her or my boyfriend that she wanted people to help pay for gas or buy her lunch or whatever -she had fun doing this.  We all spent a lot of time together and were informally treating each other to stuff regularly.  Apart from her choosing to buy a car -that's just how we rolled.  

I agree with Dancingfool.

Edited by Batya33
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I feel like every relationship is different. What's okay for one couple might not be okay for another. 

For many years, I didn't have a car but my ex, who loves driving, drove us around everywhere. Now, I'm a type of person that prefers to walk and use public transport and when we lived in the city, I was all about that. Unless it was absolutely necessary, I preferred relying on my own two legs or the transport. He never asked me to pitch in for transport costs but that was okay for him. He earned significantly more than me and he didn't feel comfortable asking. That was our normal. 

But for other couples, this isn't okay. 

So, it all depends on the couple. 

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23 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Gosh, Smackie, you leave me amazed. Is there some reason why all these people can't drive? Was it, you think, expense of driving lessons, or the demographic, or what!  

There are very few job offers nowadays where being in possession of a clean licence is not one of the requisites. 

You kidding me? Here where I live, there are many jobs that require having a clean driving record/ license. Construction jobs, my industry (property restoration), logistics (which is huge), taxi, uber, truck drivers, food/grocery delivery, transit, I can go on and on. Traffic is horrendous here in the lower mainland. I know more people that have to drive for their job than people that don't hands down.

I think the majority that don't are just too scared to drive.

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On 5/2/2021 at 3:51 PM, Batya33 said:

 

11 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

What if your husband couldn't drive anymore due to some health issue like going blind? Then what? Divorce? 

 

At least start out with not having to be inconvenienced as a constant chauffeur for a boyfriend or in other cases a girlfriend.  At least have both people as drivers with insurance and economical stability.   Start relationships without unnecessary stress. 

Whenever life is hard, relationships suffer.  I've seen it countless and endless times all around me whether friends, neighbors, relatives, in-laws and acquaintances.  It's universal.

Regarding for richer or poor, in sickness and health, 'til death due us part.  Unfortunately, again, relationships and marriages suffer due to serious health issues of all sorts.  There are many instances where partners are devoted to each other despite extremely stressful situations. 

However, it doesn't mean they are actually happy.  I've observed this with my maternal grandparents.  My grandfather was extremely sickly and his wife became very bitter, resentful and miserable.  Not that it happens all the time but after years,  she eventually became fed up playing his never ending, backbreaking, around-the-clock nursemaid and she left him.  No surprise there.

I admire couples who are in it for the long haul despite miserable conditions but again, it doesn't mean they're happy with each other anymore so yes, the relationship suffers and dies.  Any former love for the person causing burdens, slips away, unfortunately. 

Again, I've observed this with my own cousin.  At first, her husband was vital and they had a few good years.  She knew of his illnesses but thought that love conquers all.  She couldn't have been more wrong.  Her husband succumbed to a progression of debilitating autoimmune disorder (MS - Multiple Sclerosis to be exact) and on top of that, he has Epileptic seizures.  Are they still married?  Yes.  However, she has told me up and down how seriously miserable she is.  Unfortunately, money stands in the way of things.  Since she is the main and only breadwinner and raising their children,  she is hosed with alimony, losing their house, he certainly cannot afford in home nurse care and the list goes on.  It's complicated.  Her husband sleeps all day and every responsibility is dumped onto her shoulders. 

So, to answer your question, obviously, it's better to choose wisely when it comes to being with a partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, potential marriage man or woman.  Who in their right mind wants to experience a hard life?  It's not fun.

Same with finances.  I've watched my own parents have an abysmal marriage due to constant lack of money, financial hardship, our house was in embarrassing shambles, debt, poor health (my chain smoking alcoholic, wife beater late father) and my siblings and I living a constant hand-to-mouth existence. 

Don't forget constant, endless arguments whenever life is hard and harsh.  It doesn't make for lovey dovey relationships. 

Haste makes waste.  It's better to shop around and because I did, my life is stable, smooth and comfortable.  Making wise choices from the very beginning pays off later.  I certainly was not going to repeat other people's mistakes.  Thanks but no thanks.

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