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Boyfriend doesn't drive


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2 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I will ask a third time:  does he contribute for the gas and who pays for meals and entertainment?

Hi Hollyj,

 

We pretty much take it in turns to pay for food out/activities etc, and he occasionally pays for parking, or pays for the meal because I've driven

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1 minute ago, Emmafxr said:

Hi Hollyj,

 

We pretty much take it in turns to pay for food out/activities etc, and he occasionally pays for parking, or pays for the meal because I've driven

Do you think he is contributing his fair share?

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3 minutes ago, Emmafxr said:

We've spoke about him moving in with me and renting out his flat. I am DEFINITELY buying a house with parking available, so maybe then he'll be more inclined to get a car... 

Easy on Emma.  Don't go down the road of you doing all the heavy lifting. 

It is not your job to think for him. He should have purchased a flat where there was some kind of parking space available. What makes you think he will give you half the rent should he, at some future time, move in with you and let his place? What makes you think he will buy a vehicle anyhow even if you become the owner of a property with a parking facility?

Just, please, think long and hard, Emma.  It is great that you wish to own your own house, for you.  

 

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why are you allowing this gross imbalance?

To be honest, I guess I'd never really thought about it. I don't mind the driving itself, I guess it's just because I've only recently realised/found out that he has no intentions of driving for a long time - that is what bothers me. I wasn't sure if I was being a bit of a princess wanting to be driven around (which isn't what I want, just occasionally not having to drive for days out/weekends away), which is why I came on here to see what other people thought.

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7 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

 

Just, please, think long and hard, Emma.  It is great that you wish to own your own house, for you.  

 

Thank you 🙂 I'll always be buying my first house for myself and no one else, regardless 

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8 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Do you think he is contributing his fair share?

I've always thought so, I never saw the driving as a chore, so didn't think much of it. But now I know that he doesn't have any intentions of owning a car, it's made me feel a bit deflated. 

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3 minutes ago, Emmafxr said:

I don't mind the driving itself

Excellent. Research the going rate for uber, lyft, etc in your area. Get a side hustle. You'll have your own place in no time. You'll also know what to charge him per mile.

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Posted (edited)

Emma. 

Wiseman asks a very valid question. I am wondering too.  Not just about the driving, and whether you mind driving or not. As an aside, and if he has a licence, why can he not take the wheel now and then on those weekends away or days out? Then again you mentioned he said "driving isn't for him". That can mean all kinds of things.

On here and despite only having the written word in what people post, we are quite good at seeing "bigger pictures".  

So, a question: What awful thing would happen if you told him, tomorrow,to get out there and buy a car (doesn't have to be a Ferrari or Maserati).  What would be reply, what would he do?

What happened on those occasions when you asked him (if you asked him) to drive the car for a while on your outings.

 

Edited by LaHermes
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Ok if you like driving, just not all the time, let him know that and inform him that you would like to take turns driving on weekends (i.e one week you’re on, the other you’re off). Ask him if he can rent a car and drive you both on a schedule that seems fair. Otherwise, he can pay for an uber for both of you to go out if he doesn’t want to drive. Either way, he takes care of the cost and leaves you free not to drive all the time.

This doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. You can’t make him want to buy a car and if the relationship is otherwise great, you should be able to come to a mutually beneficial arrangement. Everyone has the right to spend their money how they see fit, as it’s a question of values and priorities. Talk to him and explain your concerns and if the relationship is a good as you say, you should have no problem coming up with a solution.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, Emmafxr said:

I completely agree, I'm glad that he's saved enough for a good deposit on a flat, rather than spend 10's of thousands on a car that will just lose value. I guess it just makes me feel a little upset that he has no intention of driving any time soon.

Our relationship is otherwise a good one, he always compliments me, wants to do/plan fun things to do together and makes me laugh. He's very genuine and we have never really had any problems

Then I wouldn’t make mountains out of cars that depreciate. 

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If he has his own license, why can't he help with driving. all of the travelling?

I also asked that. If not, why not? Scared to drive, a nervous driver, out of practice?  I don't know anyone who doesn't drive. It is an essential life skill. 

We have one friend who used to drive, but doesn't any longer because he has a PAID chauffeur.  

 

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1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

I don't know anyone who doesn't drive. It is an essential life skill. 

I know of a few who don't - diff reasons.  Didn't get to it, or show an interest, some are insecure.

But, he does have his license, then either he help with driving. getting around as they do these things together, or yeah, get his own car & help her out.

I have an ex, (2 actually) 1) lost his for 7 yrs- 2) had his license revoked for a cpl yrs, that only last 4 months.  No more.

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Yes, SS. Some lose their licence for traffic offences. It can happen.

I remember so vividly on turning 17, and without further ado,my Dad announced I was getting driving lessons.  He had enough of chauffeuring me and my friends here and there at all hours.  And I learned right quickly too. Never forget having to do those nerve-racking starts from scratch on a hill. LOL.  Everyone in the family, far and wide, had to learn to drive. 

Who knows, we may go back one day to the covered wagon, but right now, the car is IT!

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Posted (edited)

I know A LOT of grown ass adults that don't drive. Even people in their 50s have never driven before. Driving is part of the job where I work, and we can't find employees due to the fact hardly anyone has a driver's license. It's insane. We got desperate and chauffeur these people to jobs...it's so unprofessional.

OP you have no choice but to tell him how you feel. You don't like the fact he isn't driving, plain and simple. If it ends the relationship, then so be it.

Edited by smackie9
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Gosh, Smackie, you leave me amazed. Is there some reason why all these people can't drive? Was it, you think, expense of driving lessons, or the demographic, or what!  

There are very few job offers nowadays where being in possession of a clean licence is not one of the requisites. 

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Posted (edited)

I got my first license at age 49.  Five years ago. Didn’t need a license before that.  My mom never drove and my sibling stopped driving in the mid 90s after a car accident. I planned on driving. I practiced after I got my license almost always with my husband in the car. I stopped prioritizing practicing.  First the city we live in is horrible for driving as far as accidents.  Second I was very scared for one reason - my young child in the car and alone with him.  Third as he got older and didn’t need the large car seat we could use Lyft for short distances with the portable car seat.  Most of the time we walk or take public transportation.

 My husband had been doing pick ups from after school activities a few times a week.  Once in awhile he’d pick me up from grocery shopping for the family.
Since covid / March 2020 - I’ve been in a car four times.  Two round trips to the doctor for our son.  In one day.  I’ve walked or taken subway everywhere.  I give these details because no driving is not always essential.

 I know many people who have no clue how to use public transportation or won’t when they travel to other cities.  I always do.  My son is good at that too.  Since he was like 5.  To me that’s a life skill too and yet I know many suburban types who balk at public transportation or even walking more than a block.  They take taxis when they go to “the city”  

Yes when we start taking road trips again it will give me pause that my husband does all the driving.  And yes if I wanted to work full time at my particular job I’d have to drive.
 But no it’s not essential for everyone to know how to drive or to drive. yes I’m glad I finally got my license.
If the OP doesn’t mind driving then they should communicate about how he plans to fairly divvy up costs and responsibilities especially if they become a more committed couple whether married or not. 

I have never ever relied on friends to drive me around.  Ever.  I think that’s wrong. Yes a friend offered to drive my son ten minutes to religious school many times. I took her up on it. She also drove her kids.  I offered to pay her.  She refused.  So I sent her food gifts and made donations in her family’s honor.  offered to babysit. She’d pick us up on the way to school / never asked her to go out of her way. 
Yes I rely on my husband for vacations.  Yes he’s fine with it. 

Edited by Batya33
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10 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Yes, SS. Some lose their licence for traffic offences. It can happen.

I remember so vividly on turning 17, and without further ado,my Dad announced I was getting driving lessons.  He had enough of chauffeuring me and my friends here and there at all hours.  And I learned right quickly too. Never forget having to do those nerve-racking starts from scratch on a hill. LOL.  Everyone in the family, far and wide, had to learn to drive. 

Who knows, we may go back one day to the covered wagon, but right now, the car is IT!

I never needed to be driven around as a teenager. We lived in the city and we walked or took public transportation.  I find a lot of these comments assume a car is essential and chauffeuring is the only alternative. 

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Gosh, Smackie, you leave me amazed. Is there some reason why all these people can't drive? Was it, you think, expense of driving lessons, or the demographic, or what!  

There are very few job offers nowadays where being in possession of a clean licence is not one of the requisites. 

I never needed to prove anything about a drivers license for any job. I never had to drive anywhere for any job for my employer. I have had many jobs since the 1980s.  I don’t think I had to give my drivers license number when I applied for my current job which was a few months after I got my license.  Yes I had a clean driving record. 

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never needed to be driven around as a teenager. We lived in the city and we walked or took public transportation.  I find a lot of these comments assume a car is essential and chauffeuring is the only alternative. 

I totally agree!

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Posted (edited)
40 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

If he has his own license, why can't he help with driving. all of the travelling? 

She would have to have him as a driver on her insurance and pay for it. If he's driving (uninsured and there's an accident it's a serious liability).  Basically he's an uninsured driver.

I feel the issue is wasting her money chauffeuring him around and legal liabilities of letting him (uninsured driver) drive her car.

 The best solution is he gets a bicycle, scooter, uber, rents a vehicle, etc. Or he walks and gets a cart to tote groceries home since apparently he can afford to buy a place in the center of town.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

AS I mentioned before, she can put him on her insurance as a "named driver" , and let him pay for that extra on the premium.  Anyhow he should be paying half the insurance already. Of course he can help with the driving. But I get the feeling he is either scared of driving or else it's easier to be chauffeured. 

I have a younger member of family as named driver on my insurance, just in case. It's a common practice here. 

 

This is for you Emma to give to the "driving-averse":

A driving phobia, like other specific phobias, can interfere with your daily routine and affect your quality of life. The good news: It’s possible to learn how to be comfortable with driving.

If you notice anxiety, fear, or panic while driving or as a passenger in a car, make an appointment with your doctor or a mental health provider who has experience diagnosing and treating phobias.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/understanding-your-fear-of-driving

Edited by LaHermes
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