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Boyfriend doesn't drive


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My boyfriend of 2+ years doesn't drive, he lives in the city centre so it's really easy for him to get around without a car. He passed his test a few years ago, but has no plans to get a car in the next 5 years at least, he says driving just isn't for him and he doesn't need one.

However, I've started to feel a bit like his mum, rather than his girlfriend, I've started to dislike having to drive us both everywhere. We're both quite outdoors-y, so very often go for days out/weekends away in rural-ish places which are impossible/a pain to get to via public transport, so I always have to drive. We don't live together, so getting him insured on my car doesn't seem like it would work all that well logistically. It makes me feel a bit deflated knowing that we'll both be in our 30's in a few years time, and it'll still be me driving everywhere.

Am I being incredibly spoilt by thinking this? Our relationship is otherwise good, and I don't want to cause a problem over nothing! I just want to see what other people think really. Thank you! x

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Emma.

My question is: why are you doing this? Unpaid chauffeur! He sounds totally useless. 

Let him get his own vehicle, and get it taxed and insured.  Not your problem. I assume he applied for and got a driving licence?

 

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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Emma.

My question is: why are you doing this? Unpaid chauffeur! He sounds totally useless. 

Let him get his own vehicle, and get it taxed and insured.  Not your problem. I assume he applied for and got a driving licence?

 

Thanks for responding LaHermes 🙂 Yes, he passed his driving test a couple of years ago, so he has a full licence, so would be able to buy and drive a car if he wanted to.

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Posted (edited)

Well, Emma, you tell him straight out that you can't chauffeur him any more and that he needs to get his own wheels.

I am puzzled about this "5 years" magical figure he has trotted out.  Where is he going in five years that he will need a car then, but not now!

I drive my own car, (been driving since I was 17!) and I cannot imagine expecting husband to drive me everywhere, whether city or country. 

Edited by LaHermes
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Posted (edited)

I don’t know if I was in Europe I probably wouldn’t buy a car. Gas is expensive ,major cities have effective transportation, other areas have trains and buses. 
 

In North America , especially more rural North America having no car is a pain in the a$$. It just doesn’t work here in Canada. 

Edited by Seraphim
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3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Well, Emma, you tell him straight out that you can't chauffeur him any more and that he needs to get his own wheels.

I am puzzled about this "5 years" magical figure he has trotted out.  Where is he going in five years that he will need a car then, but not now!

Well he has recently bought a flat, so isn't planning to move from the city centre (where the flat is) for at least 5 years minimum. The flat has no parking space, so there's pretty much no chance of him getting a car until he moves out of there 😕 

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28 minutes ago, Emmafxr said:

he lives in the city centre so it's really easy for him to get around without a car. 

However, I've started to feel a bit like his mum, rather than his girlfriend

Ok, rather than chauffeuring him around, let him rent a vehicle for weekends, and uber for shopping, etc.   Does he pay you for fuel, insurance, maintenance, etc.?

The money he is saving is your money. Never let him drive or lend him your car. It's a huge liability for you.

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Posted (edited)

Absolutely, Wiseman. Let him rent a vehicle, as and when required. And if, on those occasions when you go further afield together, he does some of the driving, then be sure he is on your policy as a named driver, and let him also pay for the extra premium that entails. 

Even if I lived full-time in a city I would still have a car.  Need for driving to the rest of the country (or countries) since I assume he is not a prisoner in just one city. 

Edited by LaHermes
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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Emmafxr said:

It varies, now the lockdown has lifted, we've been going out to places 2/3 times a week

That's quite a bit.  I thought it was a couple of times a month.   I live in a big city and don't need a car as it is more of a nuisance and quite costly.   

In the case of your bf, he needs to get a car.  Remember, he has no incentive to buy his own car, as you are always doing the driving.   Stop driving.  

Has he been contributing to the gas and wear and tear?

Edited by Hollyj
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6 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Does he give you gas money ?

He does pay for parking sometimes, which I appreciate. I don't really mind the driving itself, I guess it's just the thought that I'll have no choice for the foreseeable future. I'd be completely fine with it if I knew he had plans to get a car in the near future - even within the next year. 

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Posted (edited)

Emma. How nice of him to pay for parking! Pennies in comparison to fuel, insurance, road tax and the rest. 

You always have a choice Emma. Always. You just tell him (tomorrow) that he must get a car and get it now. 

Does he procrastinate like this in other areas of your relationship?  Is he tight-fisted?

Is he employed? 

Edited by LaHermes
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Posted (edited)

He doesn't even give you money for gas?  That's terrible.  You are a part of the problem, as you have allowed all of this.

You need to stop playing chauffeur.  He has no incentive to buy a car.  

Do you also pay for most of the meals?

Edited by Hollyj
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Essentially home ownership is better financial sense than car ownership . A car is just a thing that gets you from point A to B. It never appreciates in value . 
 

So now is he a home owner . What does he do for you in your relationship that makes you feel special ? 
 

I am not trying to devalue your driving at all. I am trying to see where the rest of your relationship is at. 

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52 minutes ago, Emmafxr said:

he says driving just isn't for him

What is that supposed to mean? He is unsuited to be a driver? It makes him nervous?

If driving "isn't for him" then I fail to see why he would even mention getting a car in five years time

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Emmafxr said:

However, I've started to feel a bit like his mum

That is not a good vibe, Emma.  Feeling like a man's MUM, ugh! 

So, the flat has no parking space. If not, why not. Not even over-ground parking?  Well, others, with cars, manage, so no reason why he shouldn't.

I am over here too (Europe) and I cannot imagine life without my car. In fact I only know of one person who doesn't drive, and won't drive (not for lack of money),. He is in mid-30s, and guess what, his MUM has to drive him! As if he were in kindergarten.

Edited by LaHermes
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31 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Emma. How nice of him to pay for parking! Pennies in comparison to fuel, insurance, road tax and the rest. 

You always have a choice Emma. Always. You just tell him (tomorrow) that he must get a car and get it now. 

Does he procrastinate like this in other areas of your relationship?  Is he tight-fisted?

Is he employed? 

Yes, he's full time employed, and we both make a similar amount of money. He's just bought the flat, which I'm really pleased for him about. He doesn't have any money issues and is financially stable - which is important to me. I guess I've always just got on with it because I quite like driving (not a nervous driver etc), but now I've realised he has 0 intentions of getting a car any time soon, it's made me think a little differently about it 😕 

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29 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Essentially home ownership is better financial sense than car ownership . A car is just a thing that gets you from point A to B. It never appreciates in value . 
 

So now is he a home owner . What does he do for you in your relationship that makes you feel special ? 
 

I am not trying to devalue your driving at all. I am trying to see where the rest of your relationship is at. 

I completely agree, I'm glad that he's saved enough for a good deposit on a flat, rather than spend 10's of thousands on a car that will just lose value. I guess it just makes me feel a little upset that he has no intention of driving any time soon.

Our relationship is otherwise a good one, he always compliments me, wants to do/plan fun things to do together and makes me laugh. He's very genuine and we have never really had any problems

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Posted (edited)

Leaving the driving out of it for a moment, what are your future plans? Marriage? LTR? Where will you both live? What is it you like/love about him?

If he is financially stable he should be paying for part of fuel, half of insurance, repairs (if any) etc. 

Emma. There is no need to spend tens of thousands on a car!  You know this. And besides there is such a thing as financing and leasing. 

You dislike being an unpaid chauffeur, yet at the same time you think it is good he hasn't spent a fortune on a car.  All cars lose value, including the one you are driving yourself. That is not an argument. 

Edited by LaHermes
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6 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Leaving the driving out of it for a moment, what are your future plans? Marriage? LTR? Where will you both live? What is it you like/love about him?

If he is financially stable he should be paying for part of fuel, half of insurance, repairs (if any) etc. 

Emma. There is no need to spend tens of thousands on a car!  You know this. And besides there is such a thing as financing and leasing. 

Thanks LaHermes. He's very genuine and over all, he's a really nice person and treats me well. We don't have any plans marriage-wise, I'm planning on buying a house in the next year or two (I have always wanted to get my first mortgage on my own, regardless of relationship status) and we'll see how it goes from there I guess. We've spoke about him moving in with me and renting out his flat. I am DEFINITELY buying a house with parking available, so maybe then he'll be more inclined to get a car... 

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Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, Emmafxr said:

 rather than spend 10's of thousands on a car that will just lose value.

So he lets you do that for him?  Of course he can afford a flat now, and you can't. 

If he had to pay uber, rentals etc. what you pay in gas, insurance, maintenance, depreciation etc, you would have your house already . 

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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