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Wife left me and the kids, Mothers day


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First, I want to  thank everyone that read my other post and commented on it.

Long story short, The wife walked out an me and the kids 3 months ago and has been living the fun singe life 100s of mile away. Still struggling with everything but getting to the point of anger knowing that all she does is lie to me and the kids about wanting to come home. I have struggled taking care of everything while she takes weekend trips with guys and goes out partying. She talks to the kids about every 2-3 weeks for about a minute just to act like she cares. It has all been a mess and I am just getting tired of how she has treated our marriage and our family since she decided she wanted something else. I have tried to be supportive and cordial but I am starting to get past that.

So the question... Mothers day is coming and normally I would push the kids to do nice things and make cards and I would buy her gifts. I have considered doing something but I am really back and forth because of how she treated everyone. Today I was thinking of just ignoring the day and seeing what happens (does she call them or just text me like usual) but I feel like that may not be good. So I decided to set the kids down and tell them that I know mom is not around but would they like to do something for her for mothers day. ( I keep trying to gauge their thoughts on what is going on but have tried to keep out any negativity about mom not being here, they think she is just working a job far away) So to my surprise they did not seem to care to do anything. I offered to buy flowers from them and they said just buy them for the grandmas. I told them if they want to make something I would figure out how to get it to mom. They just said 'well if she was here, we would do something for her but since she isn't, oh well'. Should I do something or push them to? I am trying to figure out what is in their head. Are they starting to move on without mom?

Any thoughts would be great. In the end I wish things would change and I would do anything for my kids to have a family whole and their mother here. Although I am starting to loose hope of any reconciliation.

Thanks,

RS

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First of all I will ask you RB, did you (as strongly advised by the posters on the other thread) consult a lawyer?  And if not, why not?

You know, your children are showing more sense than you, re Mother's Day, when they suggest buying the flowers for the grandmas. Do not push them at all! They have sensed, rightly, that she doesn't care about them, and it is you who are suffering from this malignant optimism. 

IMO their mother is not a "mother", she has no interest in them, or you, so please bring some clarity into your and your children's lives and see a lawyer immediately.  

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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

First of all I will ask you RB, did you (as strongly advised by the posters on the other thread) consult a lawyer?  And if not, why not?

I did a consultation with one They only said that yes I could get a divorce. They will not give any real advice till I pay a retainer of $2500 and that is a little steep for me right now with being a single dad of three. I have started trying to figure out what I can do to get it but not sure how long it will take to come up with. Partially feel like I need to play the game of being cordial till I can get it together.

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Posted (edited)

Rs. As you quoted the figure in US$ I assume you are in the USA.

Perhaps you could consult with a different lawyer or maybe you might qualify for some kind of legal aid. 

Meantime have a look here:

https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid

You just need to be civil with her, nothing more, until you embark on the formalities. 

May I just add that if you are yearning for a reconciliation then any consultation/conversation you have with any lawyer is going to be half-hearted. You need to be decisive. 

Edited by LaHermes
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19 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Rs. As you quoted the figure in US$ I assume you are in the USA.

Perhaps you could consult with a different lawyer or maybe you might qualify for some kind of legal aid. 

Meantime have a look here:

https://www.usa.gov/legal-aid

You just need to be civil with her, nothing more, until you embark on the formalities. 

I agree.  It's just mothers day - it's not even her birthday or heaven forbid she's not ill and needing a visit from the kids, etc.  I am so sorry you are in this situation and your kids!!

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I would leave it up to the kids. If they show no interest, ok. If they do ok. As long as their interest in their mom is about them and not your feelings about her that should be separate. Which you did. 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, rs5674 said:

I would push the kids to do nice things and make cards

Let the children do something, call whatever. No reason to punish them for her actions. You don't have to do anything, however the children should not be dragged into this.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, rs5674 said:

They just said 'well if she was here, we would do something for her but since she isn't, oh well'. Should I do something or push them to?

Looks like children don't wish to. 

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19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the children do something, call whatever. No reason to punish them for her actions. You don't have to do anything, however the children should not be dragged into this.

I agree break up and divorce is about adult problems and they should stay adult problems. Neither parent should actively alienate a child from either parent unless there is proven abuse. Trying to malign a parent which that child is half of is devastating to that child. And psychologist warn people against this all the time. So will lawyers, doctors , social workers etc etc. If someone wants to devastate the identity of a child that’s the way to do it. 

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, rs5674 said:

So I decided to set the kids down and tell them that I know mom is not around but would they like to do something for her for mothers day. ( I keep trying to gauge their thoughts on what is going on but have tried to keep out any negativity about mom not being here, they think she is just working a job far away) So to my surprise they did not seem to care to do anything. I offered to buy flowers from them and they said just buy them for the grandmas. I told them if they want to make something I would figure out how to get it to mom

The children IMO have a very good grasp of the situation.  You did your best to ask them, encourage them, to "do something" for Mother's Day" (some mother!), and they did not wish to. 

Have you considered what you intend to do next, OP?  You can't coast along like this indefinitely. 

Edited by LaHermes
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Posted (edited)

Look into a less expensive lawyer  to end the marriage?  

Do the kids want to do something?   This woman  has abandoned you and your kids, you should not be concerned about  sending  her something on Mother's Day?!       

Edited by Hollyj
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No, don't push the kids to do something they don't want to do. 

You did the right thing taking the high road and offering to send her a gift or flowers. They delcined. That's their way of drawing a boundary. 

I would respect that. 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

No reason to punish them for her actions. You don't have to do anything, however the children should not be dragged into this.

I am not punishing them. I asked should I push them to do something for their mother. I don't want them to regret something they don't do. But I do understand how some people see this as me using them as a pawn and I will never do that, just didn't think of it that way. I thought of it more about keeping their relationship good with her.

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You don't need to use that particular attorney.  I used a paralegal who consulted with an attorney and the entire thing including divorce, settlement agreement, child support and visitation cost me $500.

However, if you're looking for an excuse to stay married then no dollar amount is going to be small enough.  I don't see why you'd want to try to hang on when she clearly doesn't want anything to do with her family, but people aren't always logical.

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

I agree break up and divorce is about adult problems and they should stay adult problems. Neither parent should actively alienate a child from either parent unless there is proven abuse. Trying to malign a parent which that child is half of is devastating to that child. And psychologist warn people against this all the time. So will lawyers, doctors , social workers etc etc. If someone wants to devastate the identity of a child that’s the way to do it. 

I agree, that is why I thought they would want to do something. I have shielded them from everything going on the best I can. I see that pushing them to do something is wrong. I feel bad that they are not excited to do something for their mother, but that has not been do to me. I just didn't think they felt like she was not worthy of doing something for. I would never do anything to aline them against her unless I thought it was for their protection.

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Listen, RS, all that is beside the besides.  The children appear to have a good  grasp of the situation. She only phones every 2/3 weeks and speaks to them for a minute. She's been gone three months, you say. The children are moving on.

More importantly, what is your next step?  You (and the children) cannot remain in this limbo forever, and try not to fall into the trap of imagining a "reconciliation".   Take a hold of the situation, check out legal aid, and when you do speak with a lawyer make your intentions clear.  

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You don't need to use that particular attorney.  I used a paralegal who consulted with an attorney and the entire thing including divorce, settlement agreement, child support and visitation cost me $500.

I know and I have thought of looking for another one. I went to one that specializes in mens rights in divorce because I thought I need to be sure the kids and I stayed together in the house that they are use to. I have heard too many horror stories about the mother getting preferred treatment with the kids. 

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3 hours ago, rs5674 said:

I did a consultation with one They only said that yes I could get a divorce.

This is the one that specializes in men's right?  And all s/he said to you was that you could get a divorce. That is not exactly blindingly brilliant as a remark. 

I put up a link for you earlier.  Check it out. 

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8 minutes ago, rs5674 said:

I agree, that is why I thought they would want to do something. I have shielded them from everything going on the best I can. I see that pushing them to do something is wrong. I feel bad that they are not excited to do something for their mother, but that has not been do to me. I just didn't think they felt like she was not worthy of doing something for. I would never do anything to aline them against her unless I thought it was for their protection.

She abandoned them.  

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Let the children do something, call whatever. No reason to punish them for her actions. You don't have to do anything, however the children should not be dragged into this.

I am doing everything to keep the kids out of it. I was just surprised they didn't want to do something. They all really acted like 'whatever, she left' and that was what I have been trying to keep from happening. I am worried that they will be upset about a divorce but I did't think they have started to accept she left.

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2 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

This is the one that specializes in men's right?  And all s/he said to you was that you could get a divorce. That is not exactly blindingly brilliant as a remark. 

Yes I was surprised by that. I was asking if I could get custody and keep them in the house. My discussion with her was mainly about protecting the kids and keeping them where they live and not about could I divorce. She didn't want to say more until I paid which seem a little shady.

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2 minutes ago, rs5674 said:

Yes I was surprised by that. I was asking if I could get custody and keep them in the house. My discussion with her was mainly about protecting the kids and keeping them where they live and not about could I divorce. She didn't want to say more until I paid which seem a little shady.

Why aren't you seeking a divorce?

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RS. Children are resilient creatures. As you say, they have accepted that she is gone. Why would they be upset about a divorce? You don't have to, nor should you, give them a blow by blow of the divorce proceedings or negotiations. 

When visitation rights have been thrashed out then they may (or not) see her. 

Meantime, just get on with it, for all your sakes. 

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, rs5674 said:

I was asking if I could get custody and keep them in the house.

And the reply was?  

You really need to get on top of this, get a competent lawyer and get a move on.  You can't  go on like this, with no formal arrangement in place. 

Edited by LaHermes
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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

Why aren't you seeking a divorce?

I have spoke with a lawyer and I will look into either coming up with the cash or finding another. I have been hesitant because I wanted this to work on saving it but that time is passing and I feel more angry than hopeful. I was more concerned that I was doing right by the kids.

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