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He asked me to take old pics off social media


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I have been dating a new guy and we actually just became an "official" couple kind of recently. On the day he asked me to become exclusive, one of the very first things he asked was if I wouldn't mind removing a couple of old wedding photos from my social media. They are from a few years ago and it is one of those swipe posts that include several photos together. Most of the photos are of friends and family. There is only one that includes my ex, towards the end of the set. It is not like I could just remove the one of the ex, the whole set would have to come down due to how it is set up. So I'd have to basically just erase my wedding. I have many other photos of my ex and myself still posted from the past and he does not have an issue with those. It is just the wedding one. Personally, I have always just left up pics of my life from my past because I see things that happened as sort of a photo diary. I am not ashamed of these things.  I also would never ask someone to take down similar photos off their social media, pictures from an old wedding, etc.

However, IF it was merely about respect for our relationship I might consider honoring this request.

The thing that threw me off a tad was the way he presented it. Firstly, he said it almost immediately, which was a little odd. He said that it might just be an ego thing he has to get over. But then he said "If i'm going to show you off to people as my girlfriend, and those pictures are right there..." So it made me feel a bit bad, as if he was ashamed for people to see I had been married before. Do you think this is the case? I did ask about this and he said he wasn't and ended up saying something along the lines of "you know what, you're right. maybe I should look at it differently." It was late and we didn't really come to a resolution on it.

I am not asking at all for an opinion on whether or not you think it's appropriate to have photos of past relationships on social media. If you can avoid this in your answer that would be so appreciated and helpful. I am merely asking for whether you think:

1. He is ashamed for people to know I was married?

2. If you would take the photos down based on his request?

3. If you think taking pics down is a slippery slope and can lead to things being controlling later on?

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2 minutes ago, spartan321 said:

I have been dating a new guy and we actually just became an "official" couple kind of recently. On the day he asked me to become exclusive, one of the very first things he asked was if I wouldn't mind removing a couple of old wedding photos from my social media. They are from a few years ago and it is one of those swipe posts that include several photos together. Most of the photos are of friends and family. There is only one that includes my ex, towards the end of the set. It is not like I could just remove the one of the ex, the whole set would have to come down due to how it is set up. So I'd have to basically just erase my wedding. I have many other photos of my ex and myself still posted from the past and he does not have an issue with those. It is just the wedding one. Personally, I have always just left up pics of my life from my past because I see things that happened as sort of a photo diary. I am not ashamed of these things.  I also would never ask someone to take down similar photos off their social media, pictures from an old wedding, etc.

However, IF it was merely about respect for our relationship I might consider honoring this request.

The thing that threw me off a tad was the way he presented it. Firstly, he said it almost immediately, which was a little odd. He said that it might just be an ego thing he has to get over. But then he said "If i'm going to show you off to people as my girlfriend, and those pictures are right there..." So it made me feel a bit bad, as if he was ashamed for people to see I had been married before. Do you think this is the case? I did ask about this and he said he wasn't and ended up saying something along the lines of "you know what, you're right. maybe I should look at it differently." It was late and we didn't really come to a resolution on it.

I am not asking at all for an opinion on whether or not you think it's appropriate to have photos of past relationships on social media. If you can avoid this in your answer that would be so appreciated and helpful. I am merely asking for whether you think:

1. He is ashamed for people to know I was married?

2. If you would take the photos down based on his request?

3. If you think taking pics down is a slippery slope and can lead to things being controlling later on?

How long have you been dating? It's odd if you are dating again that you have pics of your ex on public display.

That being said, it's a red flag that someone new is showing signs of being controlling.

Use social media appropriately. If you are divorced archive that chapter. Reset your privacy settings.

The strangest thing is that he would even consider dating someone who lives in the past like this and has this plastered on social media.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? It's odd if you are dating again that you have pics of your ex on public display.

That being said, it's a red flag that someone new is showing signs of being controlling.

Use social media appropriately. If you are divorced archive that chapter. Reset your privacy settings.

The strangest thing is that he would even consider dating someone who lives in the past like this and has this plastered on social media.

Thank you for your opinion! I appreciate it.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you the OP?

HA! Oops!!!!! NOOO. I meant to write to someone from days ago on my own post. I’m on my phone with a couple tabs open. Oof. I’m an idiot.
 

Sorry spartan. I do agree though that you should take the photos down. If he is bringing it up right away it’s clearly been weighing on his mind. I don’t see how it could be a bad thing (for either of you) to remove them. 

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Posted (edited)

1.) No I don't think he's ashamed that you were married. But it does look odd for a new girlfriend to still be displaying her ex and their wedding. One might think you're not over your past.

2.) I personally wouldn't have had the pictures up to begin with. I am a firm believer in clearing the past so there is nothing in the way for the future. Once a relationship or marriage ends, then I put things away. I'm not saying I delete completely, because I don't. But I don't keep old pics of any ex's hanging around social media. It cramps a persons style. Keep the old pics in a file on your computer for the memories instead.

3.) No, I don't think it necessarily means anything about being controlling later on. I think it's a good indication that he's serious about you and he doesn't want the past blurring lines in the current present and future, which is fair.

His request, in my opinion, is quite reasonable. After all, he didn't demand, he asked and talked to you about it.

A person deciding to get into an exclusive relationship has a right to ask for what they want and what makes them comfortable or uncomfortable. If you're a match, then you'll both feel okay about the decisions you make together.

If his request isn't okay with you, you can always tell him that you don't see a future together. It truly is up to you on if you're okay with what he is asking. But in my opinion, he's not doing wrong by letting you know what he's uncomfortable with. He's being totally honest with you, which is a good thing.

Edited by SherrySher
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Posted (edited)

its more about you here not him, the first thing my cousin did after his divorce was remove all traces of his wedding, pictures off internet and then he deleted them from his archive once he was over the relationship and ready to take on another one. 

there is no space for such things in your new relationship, just creates drama and unwanted insecurities.

Edited by Spawn
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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, spartan321 said:

I have been dating a new guy and we actually just became an "official" couple kind of recently.

Kind of?  How long have you two been involved & known each others?

IMO, he should be respectful & leave that kind of stuff alone.. that is exactly that.. a part of you.

I never do anything on my FB unless I choose to. And would not be doing it because it's something some guy I just started dating doesn't fancy it!

Edited by SooSad33
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3 hours ago, Andrina said:

You still have the photos elsewhere, I'm assuming. I see his request as reasonable.

As do I.  It's a request to remove them from social media. Not to burn your wedding album that's in your own home.  Would you be ok with him displaying photos of his ex girlfriends in his apartment for you to see each time you come over? When your family eventually comes over to a place you share? How would you like it if you invited your best friend to come to his house for a dinner party or game night and he had photos of him with other women on display? I had a friend whose wife had a photo album on display on a coffee table. In it were photos of her on vacation with another guy (actually someone I had once gone on a date with too!) - I found that bizarre even though the album was closed.  

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On 5/2/2021 at 7:36 PM, waffle said:

Your social media, your pics, your decision.

Well no not really. If my husband didn’t want me posting pics of him he’d be entitled to object. If he thought I’d posted something inappropriate that could reflect badly on him same thing. Boyfriend thinks his friends or family seeing her wedding pics will give them pause.  There’s no hard and fast rule.  Yes at some point it’s unreasonable or controlling but since social media often affects others it’s not totally “yours “.  One of my friends referenced a private comment I’d made to her about a sensitive topic. While it didn’t put me in a bad light I realized I’d never share anything with her on the topic again because of her indiscretion. If this was her private photo album in a closet in her home I’d agree. 

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1. He is ashamed for people to know I was married?

Based on how he responded, I'd say yes, a little or he is bothered by that on some level personally. That said, he did acknowledge that this is his issue to get over, so I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, just make a mental note and be sure it doesn't get thrown into your face later on, like when you have some disagreement. I'd dump him on the spot if he ever goes there.

2. If you would take the photos down based on his request?

Nope. I'm like you in that I don't delete my past or hide it in some dark closet. This may be a compatibility thing between you and him as different people can have very strong feelings about it in different directions. That said, I'm also bothered by his timing - it's manipulative. Almost like he is dangling exclusivity in exchange for compliance to his wants.

3. If you think taking pics down is a slippery slope and can lead to things being controlling later on?

It's possible, but hard to tell at this point if that's really going to be the case here.

If you want to give him a chance, then keep an eye out for more red flags and be ready to leave if you see any. If your gut is telling you to run, trust it and just run.

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Posted (edited)

Honestly.  I would switch the privacy of those photos to "private". You can still see them - but only you. If you were divorced for 12 years and had kids with your ex, i could understand setting your ground about a wedding photo that is the two of you and grandparents who are no longer alive, but if you were married 3 years ago or something. He is not asking you to burn the physical photos.  He is just telling you up front what bothers him so there are no surprises later.  I think that its very good that he said this up front and did not ask you in a year

Just like someone who is not okay with someone being close with their exes.  Its not controlling - it just means that the relationship might not work because you have different views.  its their boundary and it might not be one that they can cross so may not stick around.

Its like having a wedding photo prominently posted when someone walks in the door.  Its reasonable for someone to want you to put it away, but are okay with you having them.

Edited by abitbroken
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If you are going to start fresh with a new relationship then yes refresh your social media. It’s no different than refreshing your wardrobe or look...time to let the past go. 

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People will say keeping photos isn't a big deal BUT it is a big deal.  

His family and friends will be able to see that you have WEDDING photos up and itll leave room for them to make assumptions and YOU and the relationship. 

It's not bad to keep memories and photos of your past but in respect for your new man and your exs future partners, you should delete the photos. Or AT LEAST remove the tags or "private them" so you're the only person to see them. 

 

Your social media should be tailored to CURRENT life. Your ex is no longer part of your story so there's no logical explanation for keeping photos, especially WEDDING photos. 

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1. He is ashamed for people to know I was married?

- He's most likely ashamed that you're publicly displaying THE PERSON you married. You're allowed to have a past but that doesn't mean everyone visiting your page has to see it. 

2. If you would take the photos down based on his request?

- Yes. Because its reasonable and there's no logical explanation as to why you need to keep them in a public place like that. You could simply private them on social media (so you're the only one that can see them) and go on with life. 

3. If you think taking pics down is a slippery slope and can lead to things being controlling later on?

- No. Controlling would be someone going behind your back trying to get them removed. It clearly bothers him and he's asking you directly. Why do you want to keep these photos? 

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On 5/2/2021 at 2:46 AM, spartan321 said:

1. He is ashamed for people to know I was married?

2. If you would take the photos down based on his request?

3. If you think taking pics down is a slippery slope and can lead to things being controlling later on?

1. Probably not. I don't think his request had much thought behind it and seems off the cuff. It's just the normal thing to do for some folks. 

2. I'd consider it. I have been married, mind you. I don't keep the photos up on display anywhere. That's a personal choice.

3. No. As long as you have good boundaries and take your time dating, there should be enough of a learning curve for you to find out whether he's not a good choice of a partner. 

I don't think his question meant any harm. I DO think it's natural for a person to feel a little put out and some might read into it too much especially if you feel differently. Is this really a big issue? 

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1. He is ashamed for people to know I was married?

It's hard to say if I think he's ashamed of you being married previously. Maybe be direct and ask him if he is? If he's mature and willing to communicate his answer honestly then I think you'll feel better about it. If he's weirded out by you asking this or begins gaslighting you then it would be a major red flag for me.

2. If you would take the photos down based on his request?

I agree that I enjoy having up old photos, some even with ex's. I'm not ashamed of my past relationships and none of them ended on bad terms. I feel like it is a bit of a control thing. I think it's more his own underlying insecurities of you having those photos on your social media still. If you want to keep them up then I say why not. Personally I have been asked to take bikini pictures or any picture really that shows my figure off of my social media. I never have and I find it super disrespectful. Would a girl ever tell a man to take down pictures of them at the beach or with other girlfriends? Ya maybe, but would they listen or comply? Probably not. 

3. If you think taking pics down is a slippery slope and can lead to things being controlling later on?

Again, maybe? I don't know your relationship but I feel like you should have an open and honest conversation with him and tell him that you like the memories and that they're still a part of your life. If he has a problem with it then he should deal with the reason as to why he feels uncomfortable or feels the need to control what you show or do not show on your social media. 

 

Hope this helps 

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7 hours ago, LaurenM said:

Would a girl ever tell a man to take down pictures of them at the beach or with other girlfriends? Ya maybe, but would they listen or comply? Probably not. 

I wouldn't date someone who had those kinds of values but yes, he would and no I don't think there's a difference. I agree with everyone who said make them private.  To me this has nothing to do at all with wanting to keep memories.  I love my memories.  i have my old photo albums with my high school sweetheart /prom photos, I have tons of cute photos of me on beaches or at beach resorts and some with guys I'm sure - I have photos on social media (I post none -I mean old photo albums) -none are with ex boyfriends, all are g-rated and some are me at fancier events with girlfriends.  My husband is only nominally on facebook. I never post photos of any of us so that's never an issue.

I cannot relate to having to have memories on social media for the public to see - that's not about memories, that's for wanting others to see them, drawing attention to yourself as a beautiful bride, etc.  Be honest with yourself, OP.

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