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Posted (edited)

Hi all,

I would like your advice on a recurring relationship issue.

Right now I am studying for a degree while also working full-time. My SO happens to be a professional in the field I'm studying for, so I ask him a lot of homework questions.

Recently I went over to SO's place for a few days because I had a homework deadline coming up. Normally I only go over one day a week to hang out. Because of the deadline I was pretty stressed. I was behind and wasn't sure if I could finish on time.

My SO likes to play video games. Normally he goes on voice chat several times a week. Whenever he does this he gets pretty loud, which makes it hard to concentrate. Leading up to the deadline he may have done 1-2 voice chats.

Fast forward to 2 hours before the homework is due. He comes over and asks if he can do a voice chat. At this point I'm still not done with homework, and I'm pretty panicked as a result. I have one problem left and it's a tricky one; he knows this.

I tell him I'd rather he not play with the friend. He asks again if we can compromise. I still rather not, but I say fine. He goes online and starts chatting, and the noise bothers me.

I later asked him why he wanted to compromise, while knowing I was under a deadline. He said he had already been staying quiet for the past few days. He says he was antsy and wanted to play with his online friend. I guess he was tired of accommodating me at that point.

My question: is it unreasonable for me to want him to stay quiet for the few days while I am over, and not have to deal with his gaming on top of my deadline? Is it too much for me to ask him to stay quiet during critical moments like these?

When things like this happen I feel like he cares more about video games than me. I don't know what to think. Maybe I am asking too much.

Edited by creamcheesecoffee
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43 minutes ago, creamcheesecoffee said:

 is it unreasonable for me to want him to stay quiet for the few days while I am over, and not have to deal with his gaming on top of my deadline? 

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

It's his place so he can do whatever he wants there. 

If you have homework, that's your responsibility, not his.

If his noise, gaming, etc. was bothering you, can go home.

He's also not your tutor. If you are having difficulties, check with your professors, college, etc. and see if there's tutoring available.

Next time,go to a library, get a study group together, don't wait until the last minute to complete assignments, see if some advanced students offer tutoring, stay home if you need quiet,etc.

 

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5 hours ago, creamcheesecoffee said:

is it unreasonable for me to want him to stay quiet for the few days while I am over, and not have to deal with his gaming on top of my deadline? Is it too much for me to ask him to stay quiet during critical moments like these?

Yes. Putting yourself in a stressful situation when you are already stressed out is unreasonable. You are setting yourself up for failure.

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Well, you are in his home, OP. 

So yes, I think you are asking for too much and have unreasonable expectations. If it's too noisy, either go home or find a quieter place. 

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If you have an important deadline that requires full concentration, do not go to his house to complete your work.  Stay home where you can have the peace and quiet you need.

Expecting him to adjust his lifestyle because you have a deadline is unrealistic.

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Cream+cheese+coffee ? yes you are asking for too much sorry. 

6 hours ago, creamcheesecoffee said:

My question: is it unreasonable for me to want him to stay quiet for the few days while I am over, and not have to deal with his gaming on top of my deadline? Is it too much for me to ask him to stay quiet during critical moments like these?

 

No you are not asking for too much in this case. However, I don't get why you don't go back to your place. 

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I think if he thinks this was serious or you really couldn't concentrate you wouldn't go over to his place. You going over implies that you are ok with his regular ongoings. I don't know how small or large is the area or residence. Someone has to be quite loud if it's downstairs or on another side of an apartment or house. 

It would be more reasonable if you took into account his noise level during regular game times in all your time you've known him prior and apply that to these past few days also, without expecting him to change his behaviours.

You mentioned he's a professional so he works. If he works he probably wants to let off steam in his time off. I think this is understandable. 

You probably want to spend evenings together so that's why you're over. If you have a car this should be a no-brainer. Just drive over when you are not working/studying. If you commute or depend on someone else to get to his place then it's more inconvenient.

Can you not go some place else temporarily to do your homework, some place close by like a patio, balcony or see if there are coffee shops with patios where you can concentrate for a few hours being outside of the house? There will be crowds and chatter so I'm not sure if this would work as well. Find some middle ground if possible. 

While he may go out of his way to lend you space in his home now and then, I don't think it's something he should be expected to do by default.

 

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The Mom talk: You struggle, so you should be staying stay at your place and buckle down more. Time to make your homework a priority than hanging out at his place. You think it's hard now, just wait til you get the demands from your future boss/job. Nothing looks worse when they see you working late because you struggle to keep up.

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Posted (edited)

Hi all, thanks for the replies.

Points of clarification:

  • His place is a small studio, so there's really no place to go
  • In most cases I do stay at home to do homework. However, this time I specifically went over to his place last time for additional homework help, which he agreed.
  • Usually we do talk over the phone, but sometimes it's easier for him to explain things in person using whiteboard, etc.

I hope that helps.

Edited by creamcheesecoffee
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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, creamcheesecoffee said:

My SO happens to be a professional in the field I'm studying for, so I ask him a lot of homework questions.

Recently I went over to SO's place for a few days because I had a homework deadline coming up. Normally I only go over one day a week to hang out. Because of the deadline I was pretty stressed. I was behind and wasn't sure if I could finish on time.

Maybe you should have kept things the way you normally have them, the once a week thingy.

Seems like, even though he knows a lot about this subject he was not there to assist you, more like you two were hanging out and you had your work to do.

Especially with how stressed you were.

Next time, remain at your own place so he can do his thing.

 

Edited by SooSad33
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2 hours ago, creamcheesecoffee said:

His place is a small studio, so there's really no place to go

I specifically went over to his place last time for additional homework help, which he agreed.

sometimes it's easier for him to explain things in person using whiteboard, etc.

Yes, there's your home, the library, friends homes etc.

 Ask the college for teaching assistants/older student to tutor you. It's not his job.

 

 

 

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Yeah, I agree with the general consensus here. It’s your work so you do it. Don’t go over to his place if you need to do your uni work and then ask/expect him to not go about his business in his own home. Why be there if you’re not available to spend time together? He isn’t your personal text book and should stay quiet until you have use of him.

My husband and I are in completely different fields - he’s a developmental biologist and I’m an Egyptologist. When I was writing my master’s dissertation we already lived together and he wasn’t loud or anything, but I did ask his general advice about certain aspects of presenting my data, as he being a postdoctoral scientist had far more experience in both writing dissertations and presenting data than I did, someone who has really done neither at that point. He gave me advice on both in general but never did my work for me or helped me to answer specific questions in my work. That would defeat the purpose of me learning about it myself. 

You shouldn’t go over to his house just so you can ignore him the whole time except for when you have need of him to fill in the blanks to work that you should be reaching out to your tutors for, as Wiseman said. A little assistance is fine now and then, but in this situation you are being unreasonable. Also, I would be weary if involving my partner in my work too much as it can change the dynamic of the relationship in a bad way. A partner should occupy the romance/love aspect of your life, not become an academic resource in the way you are treating him. It’s okay now and again to have mild input, but go to your tutors for assistance.

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Yes, it's asking too much of him.

He's been willing to help you, but he also wants to live his own life.

At any given time you could have gathered your things and headed to your own place.

It's likely that he would have remained available via phone or an online app to help you had you asked.

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