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Thinking of leaving fiancé after having child


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Hello, this is my first experience here so bear with me as I bare my situation with you all..

My fiancé and I have been together for about 6 years, but only 4 officially. We started off “casually hooking up” and ended up going official and moving in with each other. About a year later, we found out we were pregnant. Immediately he proposed and we got to planning a big happy family. 
 

Right before I was to give birth, I stumbled across an open imessage on his computer, wide open as if there was nothing to hide. He was texting a girl from social media, telling her he wished he was there “to make her smile”, sending her love songs, and clearly having an intimate emotional connection. I was shocked and appalled, I never expected anything of the sort from him. when I confronted him, he went through the motions of first calling me crazy, saying I was misinterpreting the conversation and there was nothing intimate about it. Then he swore he would call the girl right then to prove that nothi g happened between them and in fact he always spoke about me to her in praise. Then he broke down and begged for forgiveness and promised he will do everything to gain my trust back. 

 

That’s when I started snooping on his phone. I found other occasions that he spoke with that girl, amongst many others. None of them had any concrete evidence of physical cheating, and I’m convinced he never would (partly because he is so lazy he barely ever wants to leave the house). I realize that he is not cheating in the traditional sense, but he is constantly making emotional connections to other women online. He stays up at night while I sleep or take care of our child. 
 

It’s worth mentioning that our child is now 18 months and I am fed up with many other aspects of our relationship. My fiancé is horrible as a housemate, I constantly beg him to put in any type of effort cooking or cleaning, but I end up doing everything. He seems to me very selfish, he does whatever he wants in the moment. 
 

Also, since even before I got pregnant I had an issue with our sex life. It usually “happens” once a month, and by happens I mean he is satisfied and I am not. He’s said that his sex drive just isn’t what it used to be when we were first dating, he’s also said I’m crazy for expecting sex often when we have a toddler and a busy schedule.

 

Yet here I am for the third night in a row trying to fall asleep alone because he is staying up on instagram live talking to a bunch of strangers on the internet instead of having a connection with his fiancé.

 

I have been giving thought to leaving the relationship and co-parenting, but want to find a way that will cause the least harm for us and our daughter. I have spoken to him many times about my unhappiness and what I’d like to see from him but nothing has changed. 

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He has been cheating, emotional cheating is even worse than physical.

Does this guy work?  

What do you get out of this relationship, as you said the sex is almost nonexistent, doesn't leave the house or do his share around the house, and most importantly has cheated and betrayed your trust. 

Do you and your child a favor, leave this creep!  This is who he is.

 

Edited by Hollyj
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How long have you lived together? Who owns the place?

Make arrangements to move out/have him move out.

You have a long list of legitimate complaints. Nagging and complaining for 6 years hasn't helped.

He is not going to change. It's odd you even want to sleep with him considering how checked out and abusive he can be.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Research how to sever living arrangements. 

Do not threaten to leave, that's just escalating the pointless nagging.

Make a cohesive plan to leave and do not tell him until it's final.

Enlist help from friends and family. 

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8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

He has been cheating, emotional cheating is even worse than physical.

Does this guy work?  

 

He’s “self-employed” in the music business, so this entails that he’s always interacting with people online and finding clients. So a lot of the time he blames his online interactions on “it’s business.” Yet there are no words about music in his convos with women..

 

I definitely think it’s a form of cheating, but he’s dead set that it’s me “misinterpretting and twisting things because I have been hurt in the past”

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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you lived together? Who owns the place?

Make arrangements to move out/have him move out.

3 years in a home only under my name. He didn’t even bother to look at it until after I closed on the mortgage. I took care of the paperwork myself and had no help from him afterwards when we were doing renovations. So living arrangements are basically set up since the house is mine and we are not legally married.

 

From time to time he’ll ask, “you still want to marry me, right?” Yet has made no move to plan the wedding. This doesn’t surprise me considering he doesn’t ever plan anything nice for me or his daughter for any holidays. 
 

i am sick of having to do all the work and planning while he lives comfortably doing whatever he wants

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He will not "change".  He has no reason to.  You may complain yet you stay with him, so why should he "change"?

I guarantee your child is picking up on the dysfunction in this relationship.  I'm sure you want a happy, peaceful home environment for your child.  This isn't it.  And yes, children ALWAYS know, no matter how young they are.  It's healthier for them to have two separate but peaceful and safe home environments than it is for the parents to force themselves to stay together.

Give him as much notice to move out as is required in your country/province/state.

At the same time, see an attorney about setting up a child support and co-parenting agreement.  Decide how much time is reasonable for your child to spend with each parent and draw up documents to be filed in court.  Then tell your now-ex to have his attorney review the documents and sign them.  do NOT rely on word of mouth for this, it's vital documents be filed in court.

You can do this.

 

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You need to show him the door.  He's shown you who he is over the years and he is not going to change.  He's a lout.

Talk to a lawyer to find out how to get him out, and I dont know where you live but he may be entitled to a portion of the current profit on your house that you own.  You need to know how it works.

Get him gone asap.

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Bolt and everyone on here is giving you excellent advice. Take that advice, at once.

I am unable to understand why you are still even with this individual.  Surely this is not the life you want for yourself and your child. 

Please take action, now. 

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He will not "change".  He has no reason to.  You may complain yet you stay with him, so why should he "change"?

I guarantee your child is picking up on the dysfunction in this relationship.  I'm sure you want a happy, peaceful home environment for your child.  This isn't it.  And yes, children ALWAYS know, no matter how young they are.  It's healthier for them to have two separate but peaceful and safe home environments than it is for the parents to force themselves to stay together

 

That is the deciding factor IMO. I’ve grown to see that this is not what’s best for our child. I guess it’s also worth mentioning that while I work full time days, he stays home and “takes care of our daughter,” but never has cooked her a meal, taken her to a park, and usually ends up leaving her to play on her own while he goes online. If I ever say anything like “hey may I ask why you didn’t change her out of her pajamas” or “do you think you could take her outside for a little today” I am told I am “nagging, controlling, etc.”

I recently checked his phone to see a conversation with his friend where he told them, “she makes me miserable” and “i’m so glad to be left alone right now.” I was shocked but at the same time relieved to think maybe this means he will make a mutual decision to split? 

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2 hours ago, Momstrength said:

3 years in a home only under my name.  the house is mine and we are not legally married.

Excellent.

Ok, give him proper notice and have him move out. He's draining you, playing you and basically just parking his butt there goofing off with his supposed "business". 

Talk with trusted friends and family. Research legal avenues to exterminate him from your home and your life. He will have to pay child support and you will be free to pursue a decent man.

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2 hours ago, Momstrength said:

He’s “self-employed” in the music business, so this entails that he’s always interacting with people online and finding clients. So a lot of the time he blames his online interactions on “it’s business.” Yet there are no words about music in his convos with women..

 

I definitely think it’s a form of cheating, but he’s dead set that it’s me “misinterpretting and twisting things because I have been hurt in the past”

That is called gaslighting.  You know that he has been cheating for some time.  Plus, he does not contribute to your home life.  Not only is he a jerk and a cheater, he is also useless.  

Who paid for the house?

Why would you want to marry this guy, much less live with him?  This environment is terrible for your child, due to all dysfunction.   He will not change.

Edited by Hollyj
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21 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

That is called gaslighting.  You know that he has been cheating for some time.  Plus, he does not contribute to your home life.  Not only is he a jerk and a cheater, he is also useless.  

Who paid for the house?

Why would you want to marry this guy, much less live with him?  This environment is terrible for your child, due to all dysfunction.   He will not change.

I paid for the house and everything in it. My family all helped to renovate, meanwhile he would complain about them being “in his space.” 

I also realize our family values don’t line up. I am an immigrant and put a lot of importance on my family and spending time together, celebrating holidays, etc. He often complains about me visiting my mom’s house saying he wants to spend time with me. But if I stay home with my daughter instead of seeing my mom he stays in his “office” and barely interacts with us. So then I end up regretting not just going to see my mom anyway. Instead I’m home disappointed and often end up crying in private.

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Girl, why didn't you lose this creep long ago?   Half of this is on you for staying with this guy and allowing him to walk all over you.  

Does he contribute financially?   Does he pay rent and half of the expenses?

In the future, look for someone who is willing to contribute 50%, this guy is a complete waste of time.  

 

Edited by Hollyj
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3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Girl, why didn't you lose this creep long ago?   Half of this is on you for staying with this guy and allowing him to walk all over you.  

I ask the same question as Holly. Why are you still with this individual?

Life is short, OP, and every day you spend with him is a day wasted. 

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5 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Girl, why didn't you lose this creep long ago?   Half of this is on you for staying with this guy and allowing him to walk all over you.  

Does he contribute financially?   Does he pay rent and half of the expenses?

In the future, look for someone who is willing to contribute 50%, this guy is a complete waste of time.  

 

 

Just now, LaHermes said:

I ask the same question as Holly. Why are you still with this individual?

Life is short, OP, and every day you spend with him is a day wasted. 

This is very much on me and now it’s on me to do the right thing for myself and my daughter, you are absolutely right. 
 

It’s safe to say I barely have friends and he has driven me from my family, so I really had no eye-openers but always “little inklings” here and there telling me I’m crazy for allowing myself to be treated this way. My mother is convinced I deserve much better and is ready to support me with whatever help I may need.
 

My support system is not vast but with all of your replies confirming what I was scared to realize I see that I have to leave. 

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1 minute ago, Momstrength said:

 

This is very much on me and now it’s on me to do the right thing for myself and my daughter, you are absolutely right. 
 

It’s safe to say I barely have friends and he has driven me from my family, so I really had no eye-openers but always “little inklings” here and there telling me I’m crazy for allowing myself to be treated this way. My mother is convinced I deserve much better and is ready to support me with whatever help I may need.
 

My support system is not vast but with all of your replies confirming what I was scared to realize I see that I have to leave. 

He needs to go.  

Does he contribute financially?

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OP, I cannot begin to tell you how relieved you will feel once you take the step of leaving. A better life awaits you, be sure of that. And never look back, ever. 

It's a real eye-opener that he distanced you from your family.  A typical tact with such individuals. 

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27 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

He needs to go.  

Does he contribute financially?

He pays half the mortgage:

Our finances have always stayed separate and I have always been the one to pay the bills. I used to record everything and ask him for half at the end of the month, but he would often complain and say he should get a break because he takes care of our daughter mostly during the day. This being said, he had plenty of money and gets passive income monthly from royalties. At this point I’ve stopped asking and he only gives me half the mortgage because he knows I can’t afford it alone. He has never bought our baby diapers or any other essentials. I take care of groceries, cooking, and cleaning. Recently he complained that he “hasn’t been fed properly” because I got sick and didn’t cook for a couple of days.

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2 minutes ago, Momstrength said:

He has never bought our baby diapers or any other essentials. I take care of groceries, cooking, and cleaning. Recently he complained that he “hasn’t been fed properly” because I got sick and didn’t cook for a couple of days.

What a delightful individual!  I just cannot believe you have put up with this for so long. 

Please tell us that you are taking steps to end this rotten existence. 

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6 minutes ago, Momstrength said:

He pays half the mortgage:

Our finances have always stayed separate and I have always been the one to pay the bills. I used to record everything and ask him for half at the end of the month, but he would often complain and say he should get a break because he takes care of our daughter mostly during the day. This being said, he had plenty of money and gets passive income monthly from royalties. At this point I’ve stopped asking and he only gives me half the mortgage because he knows I can’t afford it alone. He has never bought our baby diapers or any other essentials. I take care of groceries, cooking, and cleaning. Recently he complained that he “hasn’t been fed properly” because I got sick and didn’t cook for a couple of days.

It's sad that you thought you deserved this.

However, I hope you have come to the realization that this man is using you for shelter, food and conveniences.

Please, I strongly encourage you to follow through with seeing an attorney and going through the process of having him move out.  Maybe ask your mother to come stay with you for a few days after he leaves so you won't give into urges of "missing" him (and you will, I promise.  Not because he's Mr. Wonderful but because you've convinced yourself for so long that you "love him") and end up begging him back.

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20 minutes ago, Momstrength said:

He pays half the mortgage:

Our finances have always stayed separate and I have always been the one to pay the bills. I used to record everything and ask him for half at the end of the month, but he would often complain and say he should get a break because he takes care of our daughter mostly during the day. This being said, he had plenty of money and gets passive income monthly from royalties. At this point I’ve stopped asking and he only gives me half the mortgage because he knows I can’t afford it alone. He has never bought our baby diapers or any other essentials. I take care of groceries, cooking, and cleaning. Recently he complained that he “hasn’t been fed properly” because I got sick and didn’t cook for a couple of days.

Girl, c'mon.  Lose this dead weight.   He is no more than a sperm donor

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26 minutes ago, Momstrength said:

He pays half the mortgage:

Our finances have always stayed separate and I have always been the one to pay the bills. I used to record everything and ask him for half at the end of the month, but he would often complain and say he should get a break because he takes care of our daughter mostly during the day. This being said, he had plenty of money and gets passive income monthly from royalties. At this point I’ve stopped asking and he only gives me half the mortgage because he knows I can’t afford it alone. He has never bought our baby diapers or any other essentials. I take care of groceries, cooking, and cleaning. Recently he complained that he “hasn’t been fed properly” because I got sick and didn’t cook for a couple of days.

I love how he thinks he should get some sort of compensation for watching his own kid.   The irony, he doesn't even do that.  

Mom, I suggest that you be single for a long time to understand why you choose and stayed with a man like this.  He has nothing to offer you or your daughter.  

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Please do not marry this cheater and get legal advice with respect to the home you own and potential support. He may have a claim to half depending on the family laws in your area, which will likely be the case especially if you marry him. Not only that, but if he doesn’t work, he may claim spousal support. Do not mention anything about this to him and draw up a plan to evict/separate from him once you’ve talked to a family lawyer. This man sounds like a deadbeat/mooch and a second child rather than an equal partner. You need to drop the dead weight.

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15 hours ago, Momstrength said:

when I confronted him, he went through the motions of first calling me crazy, saying I was misinterpreting the conversation and there was nothing intimate about it.

Denial, type of defense. even though he knows perfectly well what he's been doing.

15 hours ago, Momstrength said:

I realize that he is not cheating in the traditional sense, but he is constantly making emotional connections to other women online.

This is a form of cheating 😕 . ( he is not treating them as true 'friends', is he?

15 hours ago, Momstrength said:

even before I got pregnant I had an issue with our sex life. It usually “happens” once a month, and by happens I mean he is satisfied and I am not. He’s said that his sex drive just isn’t what it used to be when we were first dating, he’s also said I’m crazy for expecting sex often when we have a toddler and a busy schedule.

YOU are crazy for expecting more?  He should have plenty of energy, sitting around all day 😕 

I feel he is just a miserable, unhappy type person. Who has no real drive.

15 hours ago, Momstrength said:

have been giving thought to leaving the relationship and co-parenting, but want to find a way that will cause the least harm for us and our daughter.

You split up, IF he has enough drive to get his stuff together, you say enough!  Get a place of your own and he can see her alternate weekends & pay child support.

 

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