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PLEASE help. Breaking up with my mother


rchubn
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Posted (edited)

I think I need to cut my mom out of my life but I feel guilty about it. 

 

She is not kind to me and she's always been hot and cold. I was the child that frequently got the wrath from her unstable emotions. We had a conversation last night about our relationship and I shared how I felt (that I felt isolated and unloved during my childhood) and she refuses to validate my emotions and accept them but she's also refusing to correct me and prove me wrong, she then flipped it on me saying if I wasn't such a bad teenager I wouldn't of been abused or picked on by her. The thing is, I wasn't a bad teenager. I was a normal teenager and she was unfit to be raising a teenager because she used my complicated years as her reason to dislike me. I was a child. This wasn't "discipline" this was abuse:

- mocking me when I attempt to express myself

- attempting to persuade my grandmother to change her opinions about me (the only adult in my life that I felt close to) 

- Keeping me away from my father because of their past personal issues

- denying me a relationship with my second parent but mistreating me 

- Allowing her boyfriend to watch me in the tub as a child but gaslighting when I bring it to her awareness. 

- allowing her boyfriends to bully me as a child simply to punish my dad. 

- choosing my sibling over me in every situation. 

- putting me in therapy as a child and forcefully asking what I discussed with the counselor. I never felt like I could safely heal 

- when I asked her WHY she treats me the way she does, she couldn't give me any answers. 

- her knowing I'm on the spectrum (autism) but denying me the proper help and holding my emotional and behavioral struggles against me. I'm not nuerotypical. When I'd get overwhelmed in my younger years it was excruciating for me. Whenever I'd have an episode I'd feel DEEP hopelessness, fear, frustration, sadness and anger all at ONCE, at its highest degree and at the time, tatrums and acting out was the only way I could cognitively release these emotions. I know this now that I'm an adult but as a child I had no idea WHY I struggled with this. I didn't even know my behavior was wrong and I couldn't read social cues. When I'd have an episode/beforehand it liyerally felt like emotional torture. It felt like my emotions where attacking me all at once and .u body would get into fight or flight, I'd get a rush of adrenaline and then get headaches. I was in distress 

I need to cut her off completely. I can't do this anymore. She was a single mother and I feel bad for her but I literally CANT take it anymore. The trauma I have is complicating my adult life. Being in her presence makes me feel like I did when I was a child. She's not willing to change or give me unconditional love and she's flat out denying my feelings and she's not willing to take any responsibility (like I am) 

 

I'm just so done. Shes making me feel unlovable and I deserve a happy and healthy life. She's clinically depressed but is mistreating me. How can I walk away without feeling guilty? 

Edited by rchubn
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I love her and I feel bad that I want to keep her at a distance but living the rest of my life (or the rest of her life) dealing with this makes me feel like I'm in hell. 

I just want a beautiful family of my own. I want to be happy and secure in my relationships with those close to me. I want to be treated like a human being. I want to feel seen and heard whenever I'm struggling and I have so much love to give. Keeping her in my life (as close as she is now) feels like an emotional burden. It feels like I'll be 40 years old and still a slave to the way she treats me and the sadness it brings me. I want to share my life with her (my future children or whoever else I have in my life) but her view of me (and her trying to control how people see me) makes me feel uncomfortable with her being in close proximity. 

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Have you considered counselling to help get you through the process?

Theyre only suggesting reconciliation but theyre not realizing that she's not self aware enough to see any wrongdoing on her part. Because I have limited relationships my therapist is trying to get me to heal and keep as many relationships as possible. 

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Posted (edited)
14 minutes ago, rchubn said:

Theyre only suggesting reconciliation but theyre not realizing that she's not self aware enough to see any wrongdoing on her part. Because I have limited relationships my therapist is trying to get me to heal and keep as many relationships as possible. 

They can suggest all they want. You get to choose what you do. It's your life. They can have an opinion, but they don't get a deciding vote.

You can choose to distance yourself from your mom, and use your therapist for advice, or simply as a sounding board. That's what I'd do. I'd make it a slow, thoughtful process. That's the best way to avoid guilt. I would not slam the door. I'd probably be writing out a lot of my thoughts and feelings the whole time, and discussing them in therapy.

Edited by Jibralta
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You need a different therapist. This one isn’t listening. You need to shop for therapists as you do for any other kind of help — you don’t just take the first one because they are there — you find one who makes you feel heard and can help you work toward personal and emotional goals. 

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Posted (edited)

I second @arjumand. At least to help you with your personal healing process. I also recommend guided meditation, including the ones for victims of childhood abuse and self love/emotional healing. You can find them on Youtube.

As for your mom, it's up to you. You know better. She is abusive and you need to move on. I personally keep communication as limited and shallow/general with my mom (who is also abusive) and just talk about general things (weather/politics), but I draw a line on my personal life- even when it's hard to do so and sometimes I'm caught off guard. I try my best. My therapist is helping me communicate better, but even so he knows that I can't do much about her. She is what she is. She won't change. So focus on you, and do you 🙂 you deserve to live a happy and less stressful life. 

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Also, I think you know it; your mom is a narcissist. Do read about that topic online. Plenty of resources out there that help you deal with those kind of people. I'm sorry your are going through this, but it will get better.

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Maybe I missed it, but how old are you?  I had a mother who treated me like crap my whole life.  Some similarities to you, some differences.  I left home at 18 as I could not take her anymore, I had to get away.  I hung in to graduate high school and I was gone.  I remember thinking I'd live in a cardboard box under a bridge before I'd go back there.  It never happened, I got my own place and it all worked out in the end.

To you I say if you can move out, do it.  Have a plan, get a place, and start your life.  You will not change your mother, she is who she is, warts and all.  

I never did have a good relationship with my mother and in the end I gave up and quit trying.  Guilt is a waste of emotion,  You need to find yourself and save yourself and move on.

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Just know that not doing this easily is because you're an empathetic person, so you have those normal, caring traits regardless of you not learning that from a good role model.

Just as in breakups with a toxic romantic partner, there will be a time period where it's stressful and upsetting to cut a family member from your life, but as each day passes, you will think less and less about her.

Just because someone's your blood, doesn't mean you should remain as part of their family when it makes you miserable.

You can create your own family of friends. Some people develop relationships with elderly neighbors or elsewhere in the community and adopt them as surrogate parents.  

Anyway, good luck in achieving more peace in your life.

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I just want to put it out there that I would be absolutely gutted if I lost her. I want her to like me and I want her in my life. 

Our relationship is only extremes. We're either getting along or fighting. 

 

In order to have a close relationship with her I'll have to take the emotional blows when we fight also. I can laugh and enjoy her company but theres still a risk that she could say something hurtful to me 

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Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, rchubn said:

I just want to put it out there that I would be absolutely gutted if I lost her. I want her to like me and I want her in my life. 

Those feelings, unfortunately, are very normal.  You can allow her to hurt you, *or* let go of the relationship and pull back.  

My husband's going through this (again), too, so I get it, it's not easy.  Speaking from an objective partner's pov though, he's happier when his parents aren't involved in our life, a lot happier.  They aren't bad all the time, but it's enough to where they make him (and us and our kids!) miserable.

Edited by maritalbliss86
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Posted (edited)

Your mother is a narcissist. She will never validate your feelings, take accountability for her actions..zero. If you have a disability like as you said being on the spectrum, they have no use for you because it reflects on their image. That's why you were singled out.

Here's a link to 10 signs your mother is a Narcissist. I'm not promoting anything, but I find the breakdown very revealing. https://medium.com/family-kids/10-signs-your-mother-is-a-narcissist-71b1d9c6cf1f

Edited by smackie9
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On 5/1/2021 at 3:15 PM, rchubn said:

I'm struggling and I have so much love to give. Keeping her in my life (as close as she is now) feels like an emotional burden

Then someone like this is a negative to your life = Toxic.

For your own well-being you need to remain at a distance.  Never associate with them, unless necessary.  Sometimes this is what one needs to do.

 

Some people ( like her?) Can be very hard to deal with.  They don't like to admit their wrongs - denial, neglect etc. So, you really can't get them to admit it & understand you... so maybe is time to just give up on all of that.

We often have to come to terms with other ppl's behaviour and that we won't accept, so we need to get away from it all.

Therapy is a good idea, to help you work through all of this and realize all the good you are! ❤️ 

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I'm not close to some people, relatives and in-laws in my life despite residing locally to them.  There are too many personality and character defects.  Some flaws are so bad that it's unacceptable and intolerable. 

Guilt goes away when you know down deep within your bones that you are right.  Guilt goes away when you realize it wasn't meant to be.  Guilt goes away when you know enforced boundaries help you feel safe, protected and secure.  I repeat those words in my brain. 

I wish I had what other people have which are idyllic relationships with most people in their lives.  Not everyone is so lucky and fortunate.  Once I accept this concept, I concentrate and focus on my own life, husband, sons and comfortable life in suburbia.  Nothing else truly matters. 

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On 5/1/2021 at 3:15 PM, rchubn said:

I have so much love to give. Keeping her in my life (as close as she is now) feels like an emotional burden. It feels like I'll be 40 years old and still a slave to the way she treats me and the sadness it brings me.

I think your feelings are very understandable, and your fear is very realistic. This is probably going to be an exercise in balance and boundaries for you: How to prioritize/love yourself at the same time as you love your mom. It's going to take time and practice. 

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Posted (edited)

You will never change your mother.

Once you get that, you'll be in your best position to decide how you want to 'manage' her going forward.

Sure, you can burn that bridge, but since you have mixed feelings about doing so, why not give yourself the growing room to keep her at arm's length instead while you work through your own therapy and process your past?

This is not to defend your mother. On the contrary, it's about encouraging you to consider the good and real reasons why you don't need to back yourself into an 'all or nothing' corner at this moment.

You're an adult, and you get to set your own deadlines.

The problem comes if you set unrealistic ones, such as your mother needing to transform or reinvent herself by a certain time--like now.

That will not happen. So address that first, because if you believe that cutting off your mother will somehow influence her into change, you'll only torture yourself with zero payoff.

Sometimes it's more important to 'appear' reasonable than to actually BE reasonable. You can duck her, ditch her, and do everything short or delivering a bridge burner to avoid her, but I would NOT say or do anything permanent unless and until YOU reach a better place in your emotions to allow for you to do that.

Please don't opt to learn WHY I say this after it's too late.

Head high, and pulling for you.

Edited by catfeeder
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Posted (edited)

Speaking as someone with mother issues (different from yours), I cut my mother out for a couple of years.  She would go around telling her friends her sons were horrible and send hateful emails when she drank.  She was critical, narcissistic, zero self awareness (everything was someone else's fault), short tempered, and on and on and on.  I finally said enough! We sort of reconciled and I had a very nice conversation 2 days before her unexpected death.  I went to her funeral (1000 mile drive) and her friends saw I was not the man she claimed I was.  I comforted her husband (he was terminally ill) who I hadn't been a fan of when she remarried 10 years after my Dad died.  But I saw how much he loved her and it was really nice to see.  I don't care what her friends think (only one left living, who did change her opinion of me), but I needed closure and I got it.  Shame I barely saw her the last 6-7 years of her life, but it was healthy for me to separate from her and not communicate.  Sounds like you should do the same.  Keep track of her health and try to speak to her before she dies and clear the air (you don't want regrets), but other than that I see no point.  You won't change her.  I tried and failed and created frustration for myself.  Listen to the other advice given here.  Its good.

 

Also, read the book " Will I ever be good enough" by Karyl McBride.  It opened my eyes and changed everything.  Its aimed at women for whatever reason, but it helped me as a man.

Edited by Atlguy
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