Extremely Concerned for my Sister Rushing a Marriage

[Wiseman2]

On 4/29/2021 at 12:04 PM, AdoptedDaughter said:

Our entire family is concerned. Our 73 yo aunt, who officiates ALL of the weddings in our family, does not want to officiate her wedding. 

If your parents are funding everything they approve. If your other sister is housing/supporting her, she approves.

You seem to be the only one with all the issues.

Your elderly Aunt also doesn't need to do anything. A church/justice of the peace, etc is fine and legal.

Since your parents,not this elderly Aunt, are funding his arrival the wedding etc, you, your aunt,etc really have no say in anything.

It seems almost like you are alone in your contempt. Everyone else seems to be helping, enabling, funding, etc.

[Jibralta]

On 5/1/2021 at 6:30 AM, AdoptedDaughter said:

Ive said that I want her to come to us, that I want to be there when it falls apart. 

You see, that reads like you want to be the first person to say, "I told you so."

If her marriage does fall apart, and if she does reach out to family or friends upon its failure, she will probably go to the person (or persons) who didn't prophecy imminent doom upon her relationship. 

She will probably avoid the naysayers. Nobody wants to be shown how wrong they were when they are in a time of pain.

[catfeeder]

On 4/29/2021 at 12:04 PM, AdoptedDaughter said:

She has been living with our other sister (in between us, and married/successful) since she left rehab. 

This is your family's opportunity for avoiding 'enabling' your sister. 

The married sister can congratulate engaged sister on her engagement, and establish that if she has the money to spend on attorneys and such, she then must also have enough to set up her new place for welcoming the fiancé and should be out to her new home by EOM.

Offering a small subsidy as a 'gift' would be a reasonable gesture of support from all concerned.

From there, you can all chime in and offer to help her find and decorate her new home.

From there it's nobody's problem but the engaged sister's, even while you can all let sister know that you are available to listen should any feedback be requested.

 

[Cherylyn]

Your sister is headstrong and she will do what she will.  Let her live her life, make her own decisions and choices and she is the one who has to live with her heavy consequences.  Learning the hard way is the best way even though it is the most painful way.  It's a harsh lesson one never forgets.

I have a very headstrong sister and mother.  No amount of finger wagging lectures will dissuade them and I'm certainly not going to risk my peaceful relationship with them by telling them what to do.  Their life will unfold the way they see fit good, bad or indifferent.  I've got nothing to do with it. 

I've since learned a long time ago to mind my own business for everyone's good.  I disapprove and agree with other people's choices.   I know their unfavorable outcomes yet they are NOT my responsibility whatsoever.  They're the ones who must take care of themselves despite obviously disastrous results to contend with later. 

We're all adults and we go about our own ways. 

I know your intentions are good and you care.  I was once you.  However, stay in your lane, concentrate on your own life.  Don't be concerned about other people.  Focus on yourself and wisdom for your life. 

[AdoptedDaughter]

Conclusion: after Aunt stating that she couldnt do the wedding this year (older generation went with a delay tactic) she sent my sis a document to fill out about wedding style, budget, all those adult planning things that youngest sister had clearly only thought of in the abstract. Big emotion, nearly a breakdown about how neither of them can afford it. She reached out to me, venting about not wanting her marriage to start in a courthouse, stress. I validated her feelings, and gently pointed out that she deserves a partner who will take some of this load and help her. Told her thats what marriage is. I took the conversation to her overall mental health, which isnt amazing, saying she deserves affection (hes been overseas with no hint of coming here on his own steam). It was hugs and love and tears, and "you deserve the best, you deserve an equal partner" she thanked me. I wasnt sure how sincere it was, or if it was sincere how long she would hold onto what I said.

 

2 weeks later they broke up!

Thanks for all the advice- I appreciate it! 

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, AdoptedDaughter said:

Conclusion: after Aunt stating that she couldnt do the wedding this year (older generation went with a delay tactic) she sent my sis a document to fill out about wedding style, budget, all those adult planning things that youngest sister had clearly only thought of in the abstract. Big emotion, nearly a breakdown about how neither of them can afford it. She reached out to me, venting about not wanting her marriage to start in a courthouse, stress. I validated her feelings, and gently pointed out that she deserves a partner who will take some of this load and help her. Told her thats what marriage is. I took the conversation to her overall mental health, which isnt amazing, saying she deserves affection (hes been overseas with no hint of coming here on his own steam). It was hugs and love and tears, and "you deserve the best, you deserve an equal partner" she thanked me. I wasnt sure how sincere it was, or if it was sincere how long she would hold onto what I said.

 

2 weeks later they broke up!

Thanks for all the advice- I appreciate it! 

Well it's true that if they wanted to have a wedding, they needed to pay for most of it. I know sometimes parents help pay for their child's wedding, but that's in the case that they actually approve of the marriage. Family are not obliged to pay for the wedding if they don't want to. 

I'm just curious though out of pure interest what cultural background your family has? I've been following your post and I just find it interesting that in your family there is this older Aunt who has to approve marriages in the family. I was under the impression that in Western culture that doesn't really happen anymore...