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Should I be upset?


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1 hour ago, sunshine1422 said:

Thanks so much for every ones advice. We went out of town for the weekend to my sons jr/sr at the beach where some of my family was. Hoping to get a little time away and it was such a disaster. He fussed because I was not giving him enough attention and my Mom stayed under us and she is annoying and talks way too much but she is my Mom and likes to spend time with me or us. So we spent a good bit of time ill or fussing because of that and then yesterday before heading home him and my oldest daughter get into it and we started fussing again. But I find myself still trying, still holding on, working through the issues, only for them to never go away ūüėěūüėę I guess my main issue now is taking steps to let this relationship go. I think I am more afraid of how I will feel after everything is said and done and he is gone. When we split before I was in such a mess for months.

What you are describing - the picking fights for attention and deliberately ruining a trip is pretty much textbook narcissist behavior.

Anyway, please stop calling it fussing - he is picking fights and arguments. Stop minimizing your reality with cutesy words like fussing when in fact he is picking fights. Also, you are illustrating that your children are directly affected by this as HE drags them into his mindfckery and abuse.

You don't take steps, you actually make a decision and get rid of him cold and go no contact whatsoever. Change your number if you need to, change your e-mails. Do not allow him to weasel his way back in, which he may well try. Do not confuse that for caring. Abuse is not caring. Picking fights to ruin a day is not caring.

As for feeling all kinds of terrible....yes quitting a toxic addiction to the highs and lows of abusive relationship is just like quitting any addiction - the withdrawal period will be bad for awhile....and you will live and be fine. Please lean on therapy and counseling to help you through and be sure to work with a therapist who is well versed in trauma bonding and narcissistic abuse in particular. It sounds like most of your life has been spent in these types of relationships.

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OK first of all, break ups don't fix relationships. You split up because you weren't getting along and weren't able to effectively address the issues between you. What he or you did while you wer

He is only 34 and already has been married and divorced twice??? Nothing about this raises a massive red flag for you? You do realize that going off and immediately "falling in love" with the other wo

Blame shifting and gaslighting are standard fare for these types of people, as is presenting themselves as the victim. That's what makes their behavior so confusing and difficult to see through, espec

You have such great advice dancingfool, I guess me using the cutesy words like fussing was because on another forum I used narcissist behavior as I was thinking that was exactly what was going on and a poster crawled my ars for that. Said I was throwing around diagnoses for people when I had no right to. But anyway I told him this when he started fussing and he said he tried talking to me first about it and I didn't seem to understand so then he finally got upset and vented about it and it turned into us having an argument. Of course my Mom could tell the distant feeling then. I guess when I read every ones advice and look back at this thread I just start thinking this is my side of the story and what if his side was explained would this advise still be the same? We've gotten into it before and he pointed out that my(think everyone had to be perfect and nothing makes me happy) attitude is probably what happened or made my ex husband be the way he is.   But all that is again is my denial. I know I'll be fine, I know my kids do not need to learn this behavior, its not healthy for any of us. The crazy thing is I am usually head strong, I've never had any addictions, but I do see what you are saying....the withdrawal from the relationship is very depressing and boltnrun I know that my kids will help keep my mind off things, they will keep me busy and that helps when I focus all my attention on them but it's so hard trying to be strong for them at the same time when you feel like life around you is falling apart and nothing seems clear and you are depressed. I've always been the strong one, everyone has always looked at me as the strong minded and I know I can get through this but sometimes it makes it hard also to be so weak. I live in a small town and it's hard to find proper therapy, I went once for an assessment about a week or so ago and they never called back for my follow up appointment so I get discouraged. If I make appointments out of town I have to take off work and can't do that much either. Anyone have success from online counseling?

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I am currently attending online therapy. I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist.  I have never seen them in person, only online.

If you have insurance look on the website for online providers or call them and ask for a referral list of online therapists.

And your life isn't falling apart. You are just in the wrong relationship.  Get rid of the bad relationship and the rest will automatically feel better. No, not immediately.  But it's like recovering from surgery.  You won't feel 100% right away but you will soon. 

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Blame shifting and gaslighting are standard fare for these types of people, as is presenting themselves as the victim. That's what makes their behavior so confusing and difficult to see through, especially so when you are an empathetic person. They are also very good at engaging and manipulating others around them to support their toxic behavior. This is why it's not recommended to go to any type of couples counseling with these types. They can fool therapists and manipulate them as a weapon against you.

Rather than focusing on him, realize that one of the biggest tell tale signs that you are in a toxic relationship is when you are feeling crazy and acting out of character for yourself. When you feel confused about what is right and what is wrong even though normally you'd know. It's like brain fog sneaking in. Also, when you do get into a fight, you walk away thinking, "maybe I was at fault and I could have done better, I can control and fix this." This idea that you can fix it is what keeps you stuck. In fact being headstrong in this situation makes walking away even harder for you because you are more stubborn in your belief that you can make it work than an average person.

The latter above, the "I can fix it", is the addiction part. When the relationship is good, you are feeling amazing and you desperately want that feeling back. When he picks a fight, you think that maybe he is right, you should have done this or not done that, so surely you are in control, you can make things great again. What you are not grasping is that you can NEVER make or keep things good. He will always move the goal posts and will always find ways to drive you crazy and then point a finger and say "you know, if you just tried better or paid more attention to me when I asked...." He is 100% in control of the dynamics of your relationship and is playing your empathy and your headstrong personality like a violin and using it against you. He will do it as long as you continue to stubbornly stick to the "I can fix this" mantra or until he finds a new bed that he sees as an upgrade. Remember that narcs are really bad at being kicked out of your life, but really really good at discarding you when they no longer see you as useful to them. Stop the madness and step away from this.

Your biggest battle is really against yourself and your desire to fix what cannot be fixed. In reality, peace and not having to worry about this guy or suffer all the fights and abuse is a million times better for you and your children. Use that headstrong energy to better your own life instead of pouring it into an empty void that is your relationship with yet another narc.

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@DancingFool Brilliant post.

OP, please read and reread this post.

You cannot "fix" the unfixable. And also remember he doesn't want to "change". He rules the relationship and has you tripping over yourself trying to accommodate him. You even tell him you love him! What's the downside for him?

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1 hour ago, sunshine1422 said:

a poster crawled my ars for that. Said I was throwing around diagnoses for people when I had no right to.

Whoever said that needs to pry their head out of their own ass. You aren't falsely representing yourself as a mental health professional and taking people's money in exchange for mental health services.

You absolutely have the right to formulate and hold whatever opinion you feel is appropriate as you navigate through your own life. There's nothing illegal or immoral about applying armchair psychology to yourself and your relationships. You are allowed to read and educate yourself in whatever subject you choose, as you see fit. 

Edited by Jibralta
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So now here is the fun part ūüėꬆ we are arguing again(last night and this morning) and he was ignoring me so I told him I just love doing this every day.... Told him I could not do this everyday, I cannot feel like this all the time. He said then if you are tired of it then find another man then. I was like excuse me, I will not bother you no more...he's come back was "you probably already have". Then he says you think I like doing this everyday also? Battling the things in his head every day and says he just wants to be normal and he don't like living with himself like this(he starts talking suicide) and hates the demons in his head.¬† He said he will never make a good husband, farther, or family man. That I can find someone better than him.¬† Said he is not good for me and the kids and just wants us to be happy and he will probably never be "fixed" that nothing will never fix him. I asked him if he rescheduled his 2nd appt that he missed with the therapist last Monday because I reminded him and he never said anything about it.¬† He says yes its Monday morning and I said what time, he then says why so many questions and I say because you never said you rescheduled and I didn't know.... then says I didn't know I had to tell you!!!. So I then call and ask if he has an appointment Monday and they said no we do not have that name on the schedule next week. So I mentioned that he must of lied and he is not speaking of that no more of course. Just says he will never be fixed and always have these demons and will never be good enough for no one ever. That he just wants me happy and he will never be able to do that. I asked if we were ending things and I wanted the kids to be gone when he got his stuff because he can get loud, shout, and slam things and I don't want them to hear that. He said he would let me know and he is sorry that I am tired of things and he can't make me happy.

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OP, when are you going to get a grip and kick him out for good? Why are you asking him if you are breaking up? Why is that his decision? OP he is NEVER going to walk away and will abuse you over and over and over and over until YOU throw him out and go complete no contact and block him from your life forever.

He threatens suicide? Call an ambulance and tell them he is suicidal and walk away and let professionals handle him. Guarantee you though that he is not suicidal and will quit his bs the second you pick up the phone.

As for the rest of the pity me, I'm the victim of life - see my previous post. Classic blame shifting, gas lighting bs. Ditto for the "I'll go to therapy" bs. He only said that to manipulate you. Surprise surprise he is lying. OP, people like him do NOT ever fix themselves. What he does, how he is works for him. 

What is your plan here? 

 

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46 minutes ago, sunshine1422 said:

 He said he will never make a good husband, farther, or family man. That I can find someone better than him. 

Follow his advice!

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I'm trying to come up with a plan. I told him he is just turning all this on me. We are right in the middle of him turning it around and him blame shifting and him telling me that I'm the one that is not happy. That he could of just left when my daughter was disrespectful to him this weekend because he is tired of her disrespect but he did not and now because I can't be happy and he cant be the man I need him to be then he will just fix it and we will not have to worry about him anymore or his bull***. Told him I called about his appointment and he said I was not on the list of people to give that info to and that's why. I said that's funny I just gave them your name like I was you and he says they clearly knew you were not me and now I have a lawsuit......WOW! Says everything is always him and his fault. I'm trying to come up with a plan. I've got to let this leave my life and be done. I can't focus on work or anything else. My heart is racing I can't eat etc. I just don't want him to show out in front of kids and I do not want to deal with him packing and leaving as Im afraid he will talk me back into staying and if I'm not home when he packs he could possibly take things of mine or mess them up just to be mean.

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He also thought he was cute I guess to pop two of his pills last night the Dr prescribed him right in front of me when we started fussing. Said he took and extra because he could tell he was getting snappy. Just blows my mind how people can really be like this.

 

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You cannot allow this man to ruin your life or your children's lives.

If you're that fearful, call the police to have them be present when he moves out. Or call a MALE family member or friend to be present. Abusers never act up in front of other men because they're cowards.

And have your kids be with their father or at another family member's home so they don't have to witness anymore of this abuse.

Then, counseling for yourself and your kids. Please see a therapist to explore why you're attracted to a man who frightens you and why you would even consider staying with him. And your kids need help dealing with the abuse they witnessed.

Do it for your kids if you won't do it for yourself. They should never, ever have to be in an environment where these things are happening.

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6 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

I just don't want him to show out in front of kids and I do not want to deal with him packing and leaving as Im afraid he will talk me back into staying and if I'm not home when he packs he could possibly take things of mine or mess them up just to be mean.

You are literally afraid of this man. Do you realize that? You can't be in love with someone who terrorizes you. I think you must be addicted to the dynamic. 

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Not afraid of him hurting me physically but he does shout and raise hie voice very loud and uses emotional abuse. Slam doors, and basically act like a child. Not that often but when something like this is going on. Maybe I am addicted to the dynamic, that's what I have gotten use to as I had blinders over my eyes thinking that because he was admitting his behaviors and getting help( which he lied about having his 2nd appt scheduled) when I said something about him saying he was getting help to fix his issues lol. He admits he is messed up in the head, tells me he just wish he could be normal. Says he does not know where his moods come from or why, he sees his self hurting me and does not understand why. Says everything is his fault and that's why is has always failed but he really was trying this time and everyone only loves him through the good and no one loves him or stays through the bad. Then after all that turns around and throws in my face how he has been helping with bills and everything but no one does anything for him. I said hell who pats me on my back for what I do? I told him how can I remain hurt everyday and smile and sit around like nothing bothers me when he is in his moods or hurting me????? Told me for 2 days¬† he is not relationship material and I needed a new man that I can invest in and not waste anymore time on him. Then he tries to be nice again but throws in my face how I'm not the right partner for him because I wanna keep tabs on how much we spend on each other and he needs a partner to help him succeed not hold him back. I told him FU and to find a new partner then. As soon as I did he blocked me on every social media site and changed all his stuff. I had not done any of that yet after him telling me over and over to find a new partner. This man has some deep issues and will never change. He has learned how to get his way through life doing exactly what he is doing and is a pretty good master at it. He moved some of his stuff last night and will be getting the rest. I haven't had any contact with him since yesterday. Once he gets all his stuff I will be going no contact.¬† I also feel more confident about my decision this morning and can already feel some of pressure leaving me. I'm so done being manipulated and hurt. I'm sure I will be fine for a few weeks then the depression will come but I'm going to fight my way through it as I know I have my kids to focus on and making myself better and making me happy for them. I can be miserable alone without him always being and ass and only caring for himself.¬† Thanks for helping me realize these things and open my eyes ‚̧ԳŹ

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Oh and he did say that it was going to be a sad day for his family today. I told him I was calling 911 to come to him if he was throwing that around I was calling because I did not want it to be on my conscious!

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Please look into professional help. Otherwise, when your  mind tries to convince you that you "miss" and "love" him you'll have the tools to resist those thoughts.

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That pressure that you feel leaving you? Lean into it and STOP telling yourself that you will get depressed in a couple of weeks. That's already you priming yourself for what exactly? Depression over getting rid of an abuser? Nope, relief is real and there is no reason to tell yourself that you will feel bad or sad or depressed later on. 

Remember that what you tell yourself, becomes your actual reality. Right now you are feeling less pressure because you are actually making a healthy decision for yourself - get rid of this psycho in your life. Go with that instead of telling yourself that you will go against that.

Once he is out of your house, please do make the decision to block him on everything. 

The more decisions YOU make to protect yourself, the more empowered you will start to feel and more free and more happy about it. Take back your life and then go celebrate your freedom. In two weeks - go somewhere as a treat to yourself. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. More just symbolic - do something good for yourself as a reward. Learn to reward yourself and take care of you.

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16 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

That pressure that you feel leaving you? Lean into it and STOP telling yourself that you will get depressed in a couple of weeks. That's already you priming yourself for what exactly? Depression over getting rid of an abuser? Nope, relief is real and there is no reason to tell yourself that you will feel bad or sad or depressed later on. 

Remember that what you tell yourself, becomes your actual reality. Right now you are feeling less pressure because you are actually making a healthy decision for yourself - get rid of this psycho in your life. Go with that instead of telling yourself that you will go against that.

Once he is out of your house, please do make the decision to block him on everything. 

The more decisions YOU make to protect yourself, the more empowered you will start to feel and more free and more happy about it. Take back your life and then go celebrate your freedom. In two weeks - go somewhere as a treat to yourself. Doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. More just symbolic - do something good for yourself as a reward. Learn to reward yourself and take care of you.

Thank you, I just have to continue to tell myself this. One thing I have to keep in my head is that I do NOT deserve this and that I will NOT be wasting anymore of my time on something that will never change. You are so right about never being able to pull him to my level, It opened my eyes because I know he has drug me down to his. Thanks so much for the advise

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12 minutes ago, sunshine1422 said:

Thank you, I just have to continue to tell myself this. One thing I have to keep in my head is that I do NOT deserve this and that I will NOT be wasting anymore of my time on something that will never change. You are so right about never being able to pull him to my level, It opened my eyes because I know he has drug me down to his. Thanks so much for the advise

I know it's hard to get rid of a toxic relationship and that it's a process. I really hope you do stay strong and keep leaning more and more into taking back your life and that feeling of relief.

For the weak times, make a list of things you enjoy and things you have never done or put off because you put that time and energy into toxic relationships and when you hit that low moment - look at the list, pick one item and do it. Lift yourself up. As you keep doing it, you'll be surprised how quickly you won't miss that man at all and how great that feels.

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Another suggestion is to do something fun with your kids, something you don't normally do. Go mini golfing or take then to a trout farm for fishing or go to a regular farm to feed the animals. Take them to an orchard to pick fruit or road trip to the beach or mountains.  Focusing on them and seeing their happy faces will make any struggle worth it.

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9 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

Not afraid of him hurting me physically but he does shout and raise hie voice very loud and uses emotional abuse.

There's very little difference. You live in fear, either way. 

9 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

This man has some deep issues and will never change.

Correct.

9 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

He moved some of his stuff last night and will be getting the rest. I haven't had any contact with him since yesterday.

I am very glad. May you keep it that way.¬†ūüôŹ

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20 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Another suggestion is to do something fun with your kids, something you don't normally do. Go mini golfing or take then to a trout farm for fishing or go to a regular farm to feed the animals. Take them to an orchard to pick fruit or road trip to the beach or mountains.  Focusing on them and seeing their happy faces will make any struggle worth it.

Yes it's always worth it to see them happy ‚̧ԳŹ and does help so much

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On 4/30/2021 at 11:17 AM, sunshine1422 said:

I'm 40 and he is 34

How old are your children? Can they live with their father until you sort this out?

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17 hours ago, Jibralta said:

There's very little difference. You live in fear, either way. 

Correct.

I am very glad. May you keep it that way.¬†ūüôŹ

Yes you are so right, fear everyday that I cannot be enough for someone that has major issues. The things he has said to me since this has happened. I have stood my ground though and will not break this time.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are your children? Can they live with their father until you sort this out?

20, 17, 13, and 10 My two oldest do not have anything to do with their farther since the divorce 5 years ago. The two youngest are court ordered.  Their farther has deep deep issues also. Great provider and can be a hands on dad but he has many issues within himself. If I did even ask he would use this against me. I'm so done tho with my current situation. My current partner wanted to talk at lunch or tonight and I agreed as we do have bills in each others names and he has to get the rest of his stuff. When I told him I has to get my car to my mother to pick up my daughter on lunch that it would be tonight he said never mind I should have expected you already had lunch plans with some guy already. I told to cut off whatever he has to that is in his name and get as far away from me as possible and to never reach out to me again ever.

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