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Hello, my first post and was hoping for a little advice. This probably will seem petty but my feelings are hurt and I'm not sure if I should be upset but I am. My fiance and I have been having issues for a few months now and cannot get along. We get upset about something and cannot communicate and something little turns huge. We split up for a few months and got back together and we live together.....now it's turned back into the same thing. I have insecurities and have never been the jealous type but we had some things happen that have made me that way. I've told him and he knows and says he understands. We have been working to improve our relationship and trying to communicate better. He has also been trying to reassure me that he wants to be with me and wants this to work. Tuesday he went out of town to work a few days(first time this has happened) I felt good about it and the crew he was going with. He has made effort to make sure he checks in and talks with me. Last night they finished early and had a few stops before heading to the hotel. Once he arrived we texted back and forth a little and talked about our day. He told me he was going to go up and take a quick shower and would be right back.....after a hour and a half passed I had not heard from him. Said he wasn't sleepy or anything so I was not sure why I had not heard from him so I tried to call and got no answer. We always tell each other goodnight and he has never just not got in touch with me before bed. At this point I started feeling my anxiety kick in and was starting to worry. After the hour and a half passed I tried to call he calls back about 20 minutes later and I missed the call so he text and says sorry babe I plugged my phone up to charge and decided to take a bath and relax for a bit and did not realize it had been over an hour. I was livid because he already knows I have insecurities and I feel like if he cared he would not put me in a situation like that. We are trying to build our trust back and work on things and then this happens. He already told me he knows I feel like I don't fully trust him and then who takes a hour and a half bath? With no phone playing music or not realize it had been almost two hours???? I've never seen him take a bath really and if he did he would be playing music and it would not be but 30 minutes at the most. It only takes him 10-15 min to shower. I'm upset and my feelings are hurt and I just replied back with lol goodnight, and then he text back and said about what I expected you to say....what is so bad about me relaxing and taking a long bath???? Then this morning he text and apologized by saying he was sorry for hurting me or making me feel some type of way. That he does not and will not argue about it but will not ignore me through a text this morning. I'm still upset and really don't feel like speaking to him. Am I being too petty?

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28 minutes ago, sunshine1422 said:

I have insecurities and have never been the jealous type but we had some things happen that have made me that way.

"Insecurities" are often your gut telling you that something is wrong.

What are these "things" that have happened along the way that have resulted in your "insecurities?"

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Posted (edited)

When we were split up I tried the no contact for a month then limited contact. It hurt him pretty bad and he started moving on and met someone. I was in love with him still and just wanted us to have time apart and get better for each other.  I did eventually date some also but never had feelings for anyone else and could only think about him. Those few months were very depressing for me and we would still talk some and he would tell me he still loved me but knew he was not good enough for me and we could not get along(says he was still hurt) and had started talking to someone and wanted to try to do right by her. So I tried to move on but we kept reaching back out to one another. We would talk good then he would disappear on me if any little communication would go wrong and block me for weeks, when I would beg for his attention.  He was also talking to other girls on social media. Eventually things did not work out with the girl he met and we talked about trying things again. When he reached out to me he said he still loved me, thought about me everyday and wanted to come home to me and make things work and that he just didn't before because he was so hurt and he never really had real feelings for the other girl although he kept trying with her for months instead of putting the effort into us.  After moving back in a month later I found some conversations in his phone the same week he had plans to move back telling the other girl how hurt he was and he had messaged other girls also. I eventually talked with him about those actions and told him how it made me feel....Like he really truly didn't love me and his intentions confused me. He explained that he was in a bit of a mess when we started talking about getting back together and was not 100% sure at that time if it was both what we wanted. Now that he is home he knows this is where he wants to be and has never stopped loving me and if he did not want to be here he wouldn't be. As mush as I want to believe that it just feels like things are different and he does not look at me or do some of the things he use to that mad me happy before. We fuss a lot and he feels like he can't be trusted and I'm always thinking he is doing stuff if something is off.  I told him that I would be a bit insecure for awhile and had to gain back trust. I know I'm way more insecure, I know I took him back knowing these things but I love him.

Edited by sunshine1422
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I don’t think it’s fair of you to keep him on such a tight leash.  Either you trust him or you don’t.  If you don’t then you shouldn’t be planning to marry him.  You say he’s your fiancé’s - when is the wedding ?

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1 hour ago, sunshine1422 said:

I told him that I would be a bit insecure for awhile and had to gain back trust. I know I'm way more insecure,

Yeah.... I wouldn't trust this guy either. He's shown you that he's very capable of deceit, and that he has very little scruple about doing so.

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An hour and a half without a message has you panicking? Does he message you continually all day when he's at work?

Yeah, this is not sustainable. I can't see this relationship succeeding if this is how it's going to be.

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OK first of all, break ups don't fix relationships. You split up because you weren't getting along and weren't able to effectively address the issues between you.

What he or you did while you were single is not something you can hold over his head. He was right to seek to move on since you were broken up.

Since you both got back together, it doesn't sound like you have taken any real time to actually address what really lead up to the first break up. Instead, you are now fixated on punishing him for what he did when he was single and before giving this another chance. Problem is that he didn't do anything wrong and you are the one who is in the wrong here to claim lack of trust or insecurities. It's your job to manage your insecurities and nobody else's. That includes ending a relationship that leaves you feeling insecure. On you, never on anyone else to soothe you.

The whole thing about the phone and how dare he not call you back right away - you are being absurd. Beyond absurd and controlling on a pretty crazy level. It doesn't matter if he took a shower, charged his phone, took a nap, got distracted by tv or simply wanted to unwind after a long day. You don't get to act out like a spoiled toddler and now refuse to respond and ignore him and hold that over his head like some capital crime.

Since you are behaving this way, no wonder your relationship is strained, you can't resolve any conflict and are fighting over everything and anything. If you don't adjust your attitude and learn how to communicate properly, this relationship won't last much longer. I don't see too many people putting up with this kind of behavior from you.

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What did he/you do to justify that break up early on in the relationship?

That trust is broken. You'll have to do some thinking about whether it's repairable. Some things cannot be repaired. It's hard but you'll have to do more soul-searching.

You both live together so the inter-mingling of lives is poignant, in your face and a constant reminder of what you've built together. "Love" seems at the forefront of everything but at the expense of peace of mind. 

I'm sure the idea of being married or being his fiancee probably means a lot to you also. 

When you walk away from a relationship like that you'll also have to be confident in who you are as a person, singularly and independently from anything or anyone else. That takes time so you're not supposed to know how to hit the ground running upon ending a long term relationship if it comes to that. 

If you are not sure about his intentions, put off the marriage and don't rush into anything. The thought of putting anything off may be enough to jolt you to the reality that this is not working and you are better off starting your life again with someone potentially much more suited to you. 

Personally, being in the presence constantly of someone I no longer respect or can't see the same way (despite the love or affection) would be enough for me to walk away. There is no sense in exposing either of you to that for more suffering and resentment. 

 

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2 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

he started moving on and met someone...... we would still talk some and he would tell me he still loved me but knew he was not good enough for me and we could not get along(says he was still hurt) and had started talking to someone and wanted to try to do right by her. So I tried to move on but we kept reaching back out to one another.......When he reached out to me he said he still loved me, thought about me everyday and wanted to come home to me and make things work and that he just didn't before because he was so hurt and he never really had real feelings for the other girl although he kept trying with her for months instead of putting the effort into us. After moving back in a month later I found some conversations in his phone the same week he had plans to move back telling the other girl how hurt he was and he had messaged other girls also.

He was capable of telling sunshine1422 that he loved her behind his then-current girlfriend's back--for months. I'd never feel safe with a guy who showed me he was capable of that.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

An hour and a half without a message has you panicking? Does he message you continually all day when he's at work?

Yeah, this is not sustainable. I can't see this relationship succeeding if this is how it's going to be.

I guess because he said he was taking a quick shower and would brb. It really should not matter what he was doing because I should trust him. I know him very well and just seemed strange for him to say he had been in the bath that long without realizing it. No right for me to get upset and cause a bigger fight and be insecure I guess. We have a lot of work to do or I need to realize this that I will not be happy in this relationship.

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1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

OK first of all, break ups don't fix relationships. You split up because you weren't getting along and weren't able to effectively address the issues between you.

What he or you did while you were single is not something you can hold over his head. He was right to seek to move on since you were broken up.

Since you both got back together, it doesn't sound like you have taken any real time to actually address what really lead up to the first break up. Instead, you are now fixated on punishing him for what he did when he was single and before giving this another chance. Problem is that he didn't do anything wrong and you are the one who is in the wrong here to claim lack of trust or insecurities. It's your job to manage your insecurities and nobody else's. That includes ending a relationship that leaves you feeling insecure. On you, never on anyone else to soothe you.

The whole thing about the phone and how dare he not call you back right away - you are being absurd. Beyond absurd and controlling on a pretty crazy level. It doesn't matter if he took a shower, charged his phone, took a nap, got distracted by tv or simply wanted to unwind after a long day. You don't get to act out like a spoiled toddler and now refuse to respond and ignore him and hold that over his head like some capital crime.

Since you are behaving this way, no wonder your relationship is strained, you can't resolve any conflict and are fighting over everything and anything. If you don't adjust your attitude and learn how to communicate properly, this relationship won't last much longer. I don't see too many people putting up with this kind of behavior from you.

I agree

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t think it’s fair of you to keep him on such a tight leash.  Either you trust him or you don’t.  If you don’t then you shouldn’t be planning to marry him.  You say he’s your fiancé’s - when is the wedding ?

We keep pushing it back

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1 minute ago, sunshine1422 said:

I guess because he said he was taking a quick shower and would brb. It really should not matter what he was doing because I should trust him. I know him very well and just seemed strange for him to say he had been in the bath that long without realizing it. No right for me to get upset and cause a bigger fight and be insecure I guess. We have a lot of work to do or I need to realize this that I will not be happy in this relationship.

So what did you imagine he was doing during that hour and a half? Did you think he somehow found a woman and had sex with her in that short amount of time? Or was messaging some other woman?

If those were your thoughts then you do not trust him. And if you don't trust him, why try to be in a relationship with him? 

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The elephant in the room is what drove the two of you to that break up in the first place. There is really no way to patch up properly or to feel secure without addressing that.

It's good that you don't have a date set, because you have to iron out your relationship first or admit that it's not possible and part ways for good.

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Posted (edited)
33 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

The elephant in the room is what drove the two of you to that break up in the first place. There is really no way to patch up properly or to feel secure without addressing that.

It's good that you don't have a date set, because you have to iron out your relationship first or admit that it's not possible and part ways for good.

I'm still not sure what the elephant in the room is to be exact other than we started fussing a lot. He has issues with throwing around he will pack every time we fuss and I had finally heard him say it one to many times and told him to go.  At that point he had changed jobs frequently and I started feeling like a lot things I was doing was annoying him( just making decisions, kids, how long it took me to do anything etc) and he started slipping some with responsibility and felt like he failed and could never measure up to what I brought to the table. He admitted after we broke up that he started feeling like that before the break up and told me he started slipping and fell back from everything. He has had a time with all his relationships and tends to pack and run before the other person breaks things off. But I do know if we are going to be together I have to trust him or we will be living in hell.

Edited by sunshine1422
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1 minute ago, sunshine1422 said:

He has issues with throwing around he will pack every time we fuss 

Read up on controlling and abusive relationships. See if any of it fits. While you may have texted a bit too much, you may need to examine the bigger picture of volatility.

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16 minutes ago, sunshine1422 said:

I'm still not sure what the elephant in the room is to be exact other than we started fussing a lot. He has issues with throwing around he will pack every time we fuss and I had finally heard him say it one two many times and told him to go.  At that point he had changed jobs frequently and I started feeling like a lot things I was doing was annoying him( just making decisions, kids, how long it took me to do anything etc) and he started slipping some with responsibility and felt like he failed and could never measure up to what I brought to the table. He admitted after we broke up that he started feeling like that before the break up and told me he started slipping and fell back from everything. He has had a time with all his relationships and tends to pack and run before the other person breaks things off. But I do know if we are going to be together I have to trust him or we will be living in hell.

Yikes......sounds like you should have stuck to your decision and stayed broken up.

This isn't about you needing to trust him. This is about the fact that he is a volatile person with highly toxic and manipulative behaviors and he isn't going to change who he is. I'm going to guess that every time he threatened you with leaving, you would jump in to fix and apologize, correct? Until you got fed up that is and took up on his word.

Let me ask you, how do you imagine raising kids with a man who will threaten you with divorce every single time you have a disagreement or actually pack his bags and abandon you? This constant threat over your head of "I'm going to leave you if you dare argue with me" is emotional abuse, btw.

Now can you imagine for a moment having to explain to a young child that daddy is packing his bags because the child upset daddy? Do you realize what that will do to them? There aren't enough therapists on this planet to fix that kind of emotional damage.

Please step back from trying to hang on to him and think long and hard about what it is you are really hanging on to. Don't confuse love with the adrenaline rush of a toxic relationship.

 

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24 minutes ago, sunshine1422 said:

felt like he failed and could never measure up to what I brought to the table. He admitted after we broke up that he started feeling like that before the break up and told me he started slipping and fell back from everything.

He seems to fall back on this a lot.

5 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

It hurt him pretty bad and he started moving on and met someone

5 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

he still loved me but knew he was not good enough for me and we could not get along(says he was still hurt)

5 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

he said he still loved me, thought about me everyday and wanted to come home to me and make things work and that he just didn't before because he was so hurt

5 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

he feels like he can't be trusted and I'm always thinking he is doing stuff if something is off

This mopey, woe is me stuff seems to work great for everyone:

5 hours ago, sunshine1422 said:

he had plans to move back telling the other girl how hurt he was

 

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You both need to learn coping skills...you for your insecurity, him for dealing with issues. His talking to other girls, or not contacting you right away, threatening to pack and leave etc..is what he does as an escape. he escapes to cope. He constantly feels the pressure of your insecurity. Damn if he does, and damn if he don't. Not a good feeling when he has to dodge you questioning him, and watch his behavior 24-7 to keep your insecurity at bay. It's a vicious cycle. I suggest per-marrital/couples counseling. So you both can learn to deal with the issues, understand each other, and how to properly approach the issues. IMO he shouldn't "accommodate" you for your insecurity, that's something you should address with a therapist.

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I am far from the authority on relationships, but I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling.  There's a great compatibility test you can take called "Saving your marriage before it starts", or SYMBIS.  There are people trained in this.  I know because I did it.  It clarifies some things, but not everything.  You have to keep talking about some things, as I am doing in my situation.  I only mention my situation to drive home the point that I'm not a relationship expert based on all my failed relationships (including the possibility of my current one failing), but its an idea at least.  I hope this is helpful for you.

Edited by Atlguy
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16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You both need to learn coping skills...you for your insecurity, him for dealing with issues. His talking to other girls, or not contacting you right away, threatening to pack and leave etc..is what he does as an escape. he escapes to cope. He constantly feels the pressure of your insecurity. Damn if he does, and damn if he don't. Not a good feeling when he has to dodge you questioning him, and watch his behavior 24-7 to keep your insecurity at bay. It's a vicious cycle. I suggest per-marrital/couples counseling. So you both can learn to deal with the issues, understand each other, and how to properly approach the issues. IMO he shouldn't "accommodate" you for your insecurity, that's something you should address with a therapist.

Except that he was doing the same in ALL his previous relationships as well. His behavior isn't a product of OP's behavior. The whole dating the other woman while the OP and him were broken up is a total red herring here. HIs behavior is toxic all on its own and lead to them breaking up in the first place.

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