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Hey everyone, I hope you are well.

 

I've started dating someone. Been about a month now. Nothing made "official" yet or anything like that but we go out, we speak everyday and we enjoy each others company.

I think we both want it to go further, she's just a little cautious due to her having kids. (I'm glad she's like this in a way as my ex was the total opposite!)

Ive found myself not as physically attracted to her as I have my most recent girlfriends but we have more similar connections. We like the same type of nights out, same music etc.

I just have this little niggling doubt that I'm not into her but then I want to talk to her and see her all the time.

There isn't the spark yet but I feel it's coming.

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Yup, well men in general are like that more 'physical' attraction.

So, what made you go there with her? The other factors?

 

What 'dating advice' is it you're looking for?

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Good for you for finding someone you enjoy company with. See how things go and try not to compare her with your exes, please. Appreciate her for her. Let us know how it goes.

 

 

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13 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

 not as physically attracted to her as I have my most recent girlfriends 

Don't string her along, but see how it goes. Sounds like you are not ready to date again.

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Well I guess it's OK if you're not like head over heels because that does take time. But if you don't really find her attractive then that's probably an issue. Have you kissed? 

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On 4/29/2021 at 1:23 AM, whiteroses3230 said:

Sparks always fade and sometimes those high spark “peak” feelings mask a lot of red flags and make us ignore incompatibilities. This might be a nice change of pace for you. 

Sparks fade but you need the initial spark in the first couple of months at least or sooner to make it worth it to continue.  Because sparks can be revived if they existed.  Not if they never did.  IMHO.  So I'd give this more of a chance for a spark to develop.  Is it a chemistry issue or you don't like her face/body?  Often two different issues.

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The right choice is to be honest. Offer friendship, before she catches feelings. 

I did the date thing for a month hoping feelings would come but I ended up breaking his heart. Never did that again....if there is no spark/attraction within the first date I was done.

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Thanks all.

I love being around her and yes we have kissed, nothing more. At the moment we have seen each other maybe once or twice a week as she's been sorting a house move.

I do miss talking to her when she's not around and I do look forward to seeing her again.

 

I think it's moreso that in both my last two relationships I found the girl very attractive right from the start. They also showed they were in to me right away. Which I guess, kind of made me feel more invested in it.

 

We have more of a connection than I did with any ex in terms of interests, humour, having kids etc so I feel a spark will build

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5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The right choice is to be honest. Offer friendship, before she catches feelings. 

I did the date thing for a month hoping feelings would come but I ended up breaking his heart. Never did that again....if there is no spark/attraction within the first date I was done.

I used to give it up to 4 dates.  Strangely/oddly I was platonic friends with a guy for about a year or so -and we knew each other for longer -never ever considered him romantically.  And I had a boyfriend.  He didn't flirt with me at all -totally platonic.  One night he asked me to have dinner instead of a plan we had to go to a religious gathering with others.  I'd stopped dating my boyfriend.  Have no clue but.... I was so attracted to him and he was so not my type - so yes the spark can grow, the spark can appear after a long period of time.  With a stranger though I gave it 4 dates and if by that time I didn't have the desire to kiss him or enjoy kissing him I'd stop seeing him so as not to lead him on.  Lots can interfere with a first date spark including nervousness.

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Personally, if a guy I was dating looked at my level of attractiveness and thought, "meh," I really wouldn't want to continue on with him. (Speculation of course, since a person wouldn't be so cruel to voice this.)

I know looks fade over the years, but for people who always had a spark, the spark usually remains. Seems to also be the case for those stories on the elderly who lost touch when young and reconnect in their seventies and eighties.

For me, chemistry is a must-have. I remember wishing I'd had that with perfectly nice guys who I assumed would make wonderful partners, but to me, it'd be like kissing a guy cousin.

But you might not be like me at all, and maybe your attraction will grow. This only happened to me once when I had an OLD date with a guy who wasn't my type and looked like a skinnier version of Kevin Spacey. He schmoozed it on thick and poured on the compliments and I began falling for him. Unfortunately, I should have passed on him as he was wrong for me in just about every way. 

Anyway, only you can decide if you're going to give this more time or not. Keep us updated.

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We had a really nice time together yesterday and I can certainly feel that feelings are building between us.

 

I don't want to rush things as I've always tried to let things take a natural pace.

 

I think as I haven't seen as much forwardness by her compared to previous ppl I've been with I'm sowing doubt in my mind unintentionally.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

We had a really nice time together yesterday and I can certainly feel that feelings are building between us.

 

I don't want to rush things as I've always tried to let things take a natural pace.

 

I think as I haven't seen as much forwardness by her compared to previous ppl I've been with I'm sowing doubt in my mind unintentionally.

 

 

Rushing things is not the same as whether you feel a spark.  Feeling a spark -chemistry -is a feeling.  I'm glad you had a nice time together.  Do you have a desire to kiss her and do you feel chemistry when you kiss her?

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Rushing things is not the same as whether you feel a spark.  Feeling a spark -chemistry -is a feeling.  I'm glad you had a nice time together.  Do you have a desire to kiss her and do you feel chemistry when you kiss her?

Yes definitely and when around her I definitely feel the spark now growing. 

In one way I don't really know what I'm asking for on this forum. I think it's just as my previous relationships went very differently at the start I was just unsure but I guess every experience is different!

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Do you think you’re just looking to share your experience and don’t actually wish to be swayed in one direction or another? Or are you looking for people to suggest you push on it end things? 
 

Congrats on your lovely date by the way!! 🙂

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I think to be honest....deep down the gf that split from me 14months ago stays on my mind quite a lot (Ive had one other relationship since then) and maybe I'm just wanting something to bring back the excitement and feelings I had during that.

 

On the other hand I love being around this new girl and do look forward to every opportunity of talking to or seeing her. So maybe I'm just looking to see how people on the outside looking in see it

 

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2 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

I think to be honest....deep down the gf that split from me 14months ago stays on my mind quite a lot (Ive had one other relationship since then) and maybe I'm just wanting something to bring back the excitement and feelings I had during that.

 

On the other hand I love being around this new girl and do look forward to every opportunity of talking to or seeing her. So maybe I'm just looking to see how people on the outside looking in see it

 

The question is why? Why do you need outside opinions about a brand new relationship? If you want something to bring back the excitement and feelings than that is separate from whether you like her as a person - it's a self-absorbed approach "I want someone to make me feel/ please entertain me/I want feelings to wash over me like a car wash" as opposed to "I want to get to know this interesting person who I seem to have things in common with and it's exciting to learn new things and anticipate what it will be like as we get closer in every way"

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