How to respond to people asking about my family?

[RuedeRivoli]

Hi all, 

First of all, I would highly appreciate if you could abstain from judging as family situations can sometimes be a sensitive topic. 

I will not dive into the details but I have not spoken to my family in 5 years. I grew up in an abusive household and a few events pushed me to put some distance to try and heal. My younger sister found me on some social media app in 2017 and we were in touch for two years. She didn't tell me she had told my parents we were in touch and one day, out of the blue after 4 years they decided to wish me a happy birthday. It never seemed to cross their mind before then and my sister said one of my parents wanted to speak to me. I started panicking and immediately thought of the worst, perhaps they were ill and wanted to mend our relationship. I cried for two day before allowing them to "speak to me". It was a slap in the fact when it turned out they only wanted ask me for money right away without even attempting to reconcile beforehand. It just so happened at the time that I didn't have any savings and couldn't assist (I was living with roommates, had just changed jobs and had expenses). They, on the other hand, have their own company and own their house. I asked my sister whether they needed money for food or school supplies (my sisters are still in school) and she said, it wasn't for food or school supplies. 

They took my social media as evidence I had money due to the various trips I was posting about (trips paid by my employers at the time) and assumed I had money, when I didn't have that much money at all. Anyway, I explained to my sister I wouldn't be able to help as I didn't have the means (which was true) and I felt incredibly bad about it. I spent days trying to figure out a solution, but I couldn't since I live abroad. Plus, they had a tendency to always ask me for money when I was in college and even took 3k from my grants for various expenditures (non-education related). They paid for my education, but there was a lot of abuse and issues that deeply hurt me throughout my entire life. I probably could have done better as a daughter, but when you are young, you can't put things into perspective. 

After I refused to assist them financially because I genuinely didn't have the means to, my brother meddled into the situation and sent me a really abusive message out of the blue (after 5 years of no contact). He managed to find my social media handle (presumably, though my sister who was the vessel for both my parents and him). I read the message at work and I started crying (thankfully, no one was around, it was late). I then decided to cut ties with both my sister and him. I was already feeling bad enough that I couldn't help despite the fact that they didn't even try to reconcile before asking for money after years of no-contact and I didn't need further aggravation. My sister was just manipulated into this and she was unfortunately, collateral damage. She was already going through a lot and was happy we reconnected, but of course, it was all ruined. 

Fast forward, the pandemic hit and I always wonder how they're doing etc.. (they seem fine, since my brother now owns his own luxury car dealership), but too much time has passed and I'm still hurting over the last attempt at "reconciling" to try and even reach out.

People often ask me "how are your folks doing during the pandemic" and I always say they're fine and keep it pushing. However, someone this morning asked me whether my parents got the COVID vaccine etc... It's someone I don't even know from work. I said they're in the age bracket, but haven't gotten it yet. I feel incredibly uncomfortable when people start touching on this topic and simply give a generic answer, but when people start asking about how their business is doing or whether they got the vaccine, I freeze. I find it a bit intrusive. 

No one, not even some "friends" know about the fact that I haven't spoken to them in years. It's not a topic I wish to discuss with anyone aside from a therapist and my boyfriend/partner (I don't have one, but in case someday). It's no one's business quite frankly. 

Of course, I think of my family every day during the pandemic despite what happened, but it seems I'm only good enough if I give them money. It just kills me that I genuinely didn't have the means to help and I was vilified and lost the support that was my sister in the process. It's simply unfair. 

Anyway. How do should I respond when strangers/coworkers/acquaintances ask me about my family these days?

Thanks.

[boltnrun]

I would keep responding as you have been.  Just say they are managing as well as can be expected considering the circumstances (worldwide pandemic).  If anyone pushes for details, just let them know there really isn't more to report.

I am estranged from my father (that's putting it mildly, I haven't spoken to him since I turned 18 and that was almost 4 decades ago).  I explain I have no relationship with my father if someone asks about my parents.  If they ask why I just explain it's a very personal topic that I am not comfortable discussing. I figure that's better than telling them my father is a deadbeat who I wouldn't piss on if he were on fire!

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I would keep responding as you have been. 

Agree. Keep it vague and simple. Yes, no, probably, etc.

[Seraphim]

Just say ,”oh they’re fine “and change the topic. 

[SooSad33]

17 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

I started panicking and thought the worst, perhaps they were ill and wanted to mend our relationship. I cried for two day before allowing them to "speak to me". It turns out they only wanted ask me for money right away without even attempting to reconcile beforehand. It happened at the time that I didn't have any savings and couldn't assist. They have their own company and own their house. 

Wow, this is sad 😕 .. To only ask for moneys , from a child and when they have their own place & business...

 

Sorry it's been so rough on you but you did the right thing - for your own mentality on distancing from them again. ❤️ 

As for those  who ask, just reply like you have... 'yup, they are fine.. they will get it soon' - nothing else you can or should say.

[Rose Mosse]

I would think if someone wants to talk about this in detail or appears pushy in some way in the conversation he/she probably has more to say on their own family than you do about yours so give them more opportunity to talk if that's the case. Just respond in few words and ask them about how they're doing. Keep it light and pleasant for coworkers especially. You don't owe anyone any details.

[RuedeRivoli]

5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I would think if someone wants to talk about this in detail or appears pushy in some way in the conversation he/she probably has more to say on their own family than you do about yours so give them more opportunity to talk if that's the case. Just respond in few words and ask them about how they're doing. Keep it light and pleasant for coworkers especially. You don't owe anyone any details.

Of course, I just keep it short and sweet. People generally don't dig for details, but this guy this morning was talking too much and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I think most times, it's also me in my head when I replay the conversation in my head and I feel like an complete liar. I start feeling ashamed and "not normal" (as in, most people have a family to talk about and I don't). I simply feel abnormal. Certainly coming from my own insecurity, really.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Of course, I just keep it short and sweet. People generally don't dig for details, but this guy this morning was talking too much and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

Just turn it around and ask him about his family. Just say hey how’s your family blah blah blah blah... 

[RuedeRivoli]

4 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Just turn it around and ask him about his family. Just say hey how’s your family blah blah blah blah... 

Thank you. In this specific case, he had already talked about his family before even asking about mine. I normally hand the topic back to the person by indeed asking a question or something, but I think it's this guy who's just very talkative. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Thank you. In this specific case, he had already talked about his family before even asking about mine. I normally hand the topic back to the person by indeed asking a question or something, but I think it's this guy who's just very talkative. 

It could be but I would just quickly change the topic after saying they’re fine. 

[Rose Mosse]

20 minutes ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Of course, I just keep it short and sweet. People generally don't dig for details, but this guy this morning was talking too much and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I think most times, it's also me in my head when I replay the conversation in my head and I feel like an complete liar. I start feeling ashamed and "not normal" (as in, most people have a family to talk about and I don't). I simply feel abnormal. Certainly coming from my own insecurity, really.

I'd limit the contact with this one guy at your work. Explain you have work to do or your boss is contacting you for something. Don't let the conversations go on too long if he's making you uncomfortable or they're personal chats/not related to work. Some people can't recognize another person's discomfort or unusual pauses in a conversation.. which mean the other person is at loss of what to say or uncomfortable. Don't let him get the better of you. Very sorry this is dredging up these feelings with family. 

I cannot imagine how hurtful it is to be approached for money like that.

[RuedeRivoli]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'd limit the contact with this one guy at your work. Explain you have work to do or your boss is contacting you for something. Don't let the conversations go on too long if he's making you uncomfortable or they're personal chats/not related to work. Some people can't recognize another person's discomfort or unusual pauses in a conversation.. which mean the other person is at loss of what to say or uncomfortable. Don't let him get the better of you. Very sorry this is dredging up these feelings with family. 

I cannot imagine how hurtful it is to be approached for money like that.

Thank you. Yeah, I like he likes to just digress which is not my cup of tea. We work remotely and I didn't have my camera on, so he probably didn't realize I was feeling uncomfortable. I think I'm definitely going to limit my interactions with him as it's not a feeling I truly welcome at 9am. 

It was very hurtful indeed and I still have nightmares from this whole episode. How I got a one-line happy birthday message on a Wednesday (passed on through my sister), got asked for money two days later (with no other contact in between aside from the request to speak to me) and a hateful message from my brother not even 24 hours later out of the blue (it was none of his business, truly).

I was "grieving" for about three months after that. I tried to think of different ways I could have acted/responded, but I did the best I could at the time. I'm still grieving to this day, but it is what it is. 

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry. Keep your distance. At this late stage it's unlikely they'll change. You're very kind and generous for wanting to help out. I think you should let go of that guilt. It's not good to hang onto it.. you haven't done anything wrong. Let go of the guilt too.

[Batya33]

I dated someone many years ago and I shared some stuff about my then dysfunctional family.  He said "my friends don't have those kinds of issues with their parents" and I think he threw in the word "normal"" so I said "then you probably don't know their families well."  I think if someone actually gets pushy you've gotten some good advice here.  Look it's just like people who assume if you're married you want kids, or more than one kid, or that you want to buy a house someday or all sorts of Norman Rockwell cliche assumptions.  And there are people who live for stereotypes and cliche assumptions.

I wasn't close with my father for various reasons and he died 5 years ago.  My friend who was very close with her late father left me this long voicemail about how I must be grieving and miss him so much and and and. In fact, yes I loved and respected him, yes I went to his funeral and yes my mother who'd been married to him for 62 years and been his caregiver and hero for most of that time was relieved when he died  -because he'd declined so rapidly and was a shell of himself but I bet also because now she was free to come and go and to socialize with her friends and have time to breathe.  I actually told my friend when I spoke to her that - I was ok with his passing, that I wasn't grieving and that we weren't close (which I thought she knew). She reacted in an awkward way.  So be it - I was the mourner and it wasn't my job to make her feel comfortable.

She was very in tune with feelings but at times like those -and in these pandemic/covid vaccine times - people resort to the cliche questions.  I only ask specific questions about someone's family if I know of the relationship.  Sure -I've sent emails to people I don't know well saying "i hope you and your family are doing ok" - but of course that doesn't require a response. I actually don't think a coworker should ask if your parents got the vaccine without knowing whether your parents are alive, whether they would want the vaccine, etc - it's still kind of too personal in that context!

[shellyf62]

5 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Of course, I just keep it short and sweet. People generally don't dig for details, but this guy this morning was talking too much and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I think most times, it's also me in my head when I replay the conversation in my head and I feel like an complete liar. I start feeling ashamed and "not normal" (as in, most people have a family to talk about and I don't). I simply feel abnormal. Certainly coming from my own insecurity, really.

Please dont feel abnormal. I am in the same situation. They are the ones who should feel ashamed for the way they ahve treated you!

I didnt speak to my family for 5 years due to so much drama.  One of my Sisters' committed suicide, so I was "forced" back into contact that has now gone on for 13 years. 

It is getting to the point where I wish for the old days of zero contact. My mother is toxic, married multiple men because she couldnt be alone, but now wants to play "happy families" because she is old & alone and the awful past "never happened", as she rewrites history.

I have been in trauma councelling for the damage her second husband did to me, so I understand your sadness & grieving from their contact as it has opened old wounds.

It sounds terrible but I am waiting for the day she passes away. I will be free, and so will my children. No more guilt trip phone calls, messages or visits. She is a master manipulator and the burden of her on us will be lifted!!!

 

[RuedeRivoli]

Thank you all for the very helpful advice and kind words.

I think I certainly need to let go of the guilt, but it is definitely hard. My family has always looked down on me and this whole situation made me feel uncomfortable about myself. I even feel uncomfortable spending money on things I reasonably want because I always feel "selfish" when I do. They probably think "money" changed me (trust me, I'm nowhere near rich), but certainly not. It made me wiser as to how I should spend it. I couldn't give money I didn't have in the first place. Besides, knowing them, if I had given them the last cents on my account at the time, it would have opened a floodgate of repeated queries because as soon as I got a job after 6/7 months of search and no income, they started asking me for money even though they had a high enough income to buy a car for my brother. I cut them off shortly after. 

They claim to be overly religious, but if that were the case, money wouldn't have been their motivating factor to mend a relationship with their estranged child. I'm highly grateful they paid for my higher education (they didn't spend a dime before that), but the whole time, they kept telling me it was a mistake to send me off to college and they should have kept all that money to refurbish their home (mind you, I'm a first generation - I'm the first female in my family who attended college, a top law school at that and who got the chance of studying abroad). Then again, they blew through thousands in my personal accounts (grants). Instead of feeling proud, they hated me for it. The moment I went to college, their disdain for me truly showed and it was as though they tried to sabotage me mentally. It was bizarre. They didn't attend my graduation, I went on my own. 

I feel extremely bad that I cut them off, but I knew the path they were going down wasn't healthy for anyone. I think my big worry now is that no man would want to be in a relationship with someone who has cut their parents off. I'm afraid of being judged and the person thinking I have "baggage" (we all do to an extent). 

[Batya33]

I would do my very best not to focus on the what ifs.  You never know another person's circumstances, and many people even in close relationships are far more worried about their baggage than their partner's.  Honestly the way you describe it probably better if you don't subject a partner to their "antics".  I would make the back story as simple and basic as possible especially at first despite -when people are first really into each other- feeling the need to dump/vent.  

 

[LaHermes]

Hello Rivoli!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, nothing.

And you don't have to give anyone information about anything, including your family.

As Wiseman said: Keep it vague and simple.

I am sorry that your family treat you the way they do. 

 

 

[Lambert]

16 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Of course, I just keep it short and sweet. People generally don't dig for details, but this guy this morning was talking too much and it made me feel uncomfortable. 

I think most times, it's also me in my head when I replay the conversation in my head and I feel like an complete liar. I start feeling ashamed and "not normal" (as in, most people have a family to talk about and I don't). I simply feel abnormal. Certainly coming from my own insecurity, really.

I understand... I also get very in my head when people ask me personal questions about my life.  I'm pretty old to have not married (yet) or have kids.  So I often feel like the star of the freak show.

I often field comments like "but you're so pretty.  You're so nice.  I'd die if I didn't have my kids. I'm so glad I'm not single"

It's brutal. like thanks!  sorry my life isn't up to snuff for you.  but most people are on auto pilot. They don't even see how what they say is so inappropriate.

Like others said, just be brief and change the subject, especially at work. Say things like we're all good and bring it back to work. 

I'm sorry for all you've been through.  It's tough with families.  I think everyone has something they don't like to talk about.  You're more in the majority than you realize. ❤

[RuedeRivoli]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would do my very best not to focus on the what ifs.  You never know another person's circumstances, and many people even in close relationships are far more worried about their baggage than their partner's.  Honestly the way you describe it probably better if you don't subject a partner to their "antics".  I would make the back story as simple and basic as possible especially at first despite -when people are first really into each other- feeling the need to dump/vent.  

 

Thank you. 

To be honest, they wouldn't approve of any partner. They're very "religious" and quite "racist", so any partner from a different religion/ethnic group would not be accepted. They would see it as a "disgrace". Too bad for them, I'm not attracted to the type they expect me to marry. I'd rather be alone than follow their guidelines. Their marriage isn't an example to follow and they share the same religious beliefs & ethnic background. 

Yes, I agree. It's best to keep it simple when explaining to a potential partner. I wouldn't want to weigh them down.  

[RuedeRivoli]

53 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Hello Rivoli!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, nothing.

And you don't have to give anyone information about anything, including your family.

As Wiseman said: Keep it vague and simple.

I am sorry that your family treat you the way they do. 

 

Thank you, LaHermes! 

 

[RuedeRivoli]

34 minutes ago, Lambert said:

I understand... I also get very in my head when people ask me personal questions about my life.  I'm pretty old to have not married (yet) or have kids.  So I often feel like the star of the freak show.

I often field comments like "but you're so pretty.  You're so nice.  I'd die if I didn't have my kids. I'm so glad I'm not single"

It's brutal. like thanks!  sorry my life isn't up to snuff for you.  but most people are on auto pilot. They don't even see how what they say is so inappropriate.

Like others said, just be brief and change the subject, especially at work. Say things like we're all good and bring it back to work. 

I'm sorry for all you've been through.  It's tough with families.  I think everyone has something they don't like to talk about.  You're more in the majority than you realize. ❤

Thank you for the kind words. 

I agree. People are on auto-pilot. I a lot of people operate with this idea that everyone has a family (not matter how dysfunctional), wants kids and marriage because that equals "normality". Yet, every single person has their own path. One can be perfectly happy without one or all of these life aspects, yet people automatically assume there's something wrong with you or that you must be miserable. No one cares to understand the background (not that it's any of their business). 

Unsolicited comments/advice is the most irritating bit, but people just can't help themselves, unfortunately. 

[LaHermes]

Rivoli:

A saying from my country of origin: "Say nothing, and then say nothing again". 

There are certain air-headed people (far too many) who are given to asking stupid questions.  They must have little of note to occupy their minds if that is the best they can do.

And then there is the plain catty, as mentioned by Lambert.

"I often field comments like "but you're so pretty.  You're so nice.  I'd die if I didn't have my kids. I'm so glad I'm not single"

People with good manners and social skills do NOT say this sort of thing. 

Way, way back (a long time ago lol) I remember being asked: "Do you have a boyfriend". My reply used to me (me being me): "Oh, yes, I've actually got three or four."

Water of a duck's back, Rivoli!

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RuedeRivoli said:

Thank you for the kind words. 

I agree. People are on auto-pilot. I a lot of people operate with this idea that everyone has a family (not matter how dysfunctional), wants kids and marriage because that equals "normality". Yet, every single person has their own path. One can be perfectly happy without one or all of these life aspects, yet people automatically assume there's something wrong with you or that you must be miserable. No one cares to understand the background (not that it's any of their business). 

Unsolicited comments/advice is the most irritating bit, but people just can't help themselves, unfortunately. 

I helped myself because I married at 42 and was subject to so many unsolicited rude comments.  

"How's the wild and crazy single life?" ( when I was 40 and in an exclusive serious relationship - but not yet engaged)

"But why do you want to have kids, you're a [insert my male-dominated profession]"

"You know, we're buying a house because that's the next step everyone does"

"Why is someone so [backhanded compliments] still single?"

"Your clock is ticking for adoption too"

[DancingFool]

A lot of people out there are simply nosy and downright voyeuristic. They aren't pressing you for an answer because they give a rat's rear end about your life or your relationship with your fam. They are seeking to be entertained. It is not your job to entertain nosy creeps....unless you are a clown and they are paying you for the entertainment that is.....

It doesn't matter what relationship you do or don't have with anyone. When people are sticking their nose into what is not their business, dismiss them. It's that simple really.

My favorite response is "no idea, we don't discuss that." That usually shuts down any follow up. However, sometimes you will have someone who will get manipulative with some type of "well aren't you worried or don't you care how they are doing?" My response is just to reiterate, "like I said, we don't discuss that." Btw, I do have a close relationship with fam, it's just that what I said above - none of their business.

As for what is normal....honestly, there are probably more strained relationships with the fam than not, making your situation rather normal. Just because someone is still talking to their narcissistic abusive parent, doesn't mean it's a good thing for them. Don't use that as a standard to judge yourself and your life by. In fact, stop judging yourself and stop expecting your family to be something other than who they are. The day you accept that they are disordered is the day you'll free yourself from all this guilt and baggage you are carrying.