Jump to content

Why is he so in love all of a sudden?


Recommended Posts

Hey guys,

So I have had a lot of issues with the guy I’m dating when it comes to emotional availability. We have dated a little over a year now. He told me he loved me about 4 months in, but he never would elaborate. He knew he withheld affection from me and would even admit he feels bad because he can’t love me the way I deserved. We almost broke up a couple times. 
 

When I started giving up hope that he would change, a promotion at work came up and I took it. This required me to move two states away, but I figured I didn’t have much to lose since he clearly didn’t seem too invested in the relationship. (we were not living together). He was hurt by my decision to leave, but I wasn’t going to put my life on hold for someone who makes it seem like I’m an inconvenience when asking for the bare minimum. We ended up deciding to stay together and do long distance. 
 

I moved back in February, and as of two weeks ago, he has been super affectionate. Like a complete 180. He says I am the love of his life/ his soulmate/he wants to marry me. He’s basically saying all of the things I wish he said when we lived closer to each other. He said that whenever I moved away, he realized he needed to shape up or else he was going to lose me. Part of me is really happy but another part of me is kind of skeptical. 
 

Two months after we met, he claimed he didn’t see a future with me anymore, and I found out he hung out with his ex-fiancé a week later (they broke up 4 years ago). My bf snd I ended up reconnecting after one month of no contact and have been dating ever since. However, this has affected my ability to really trust him. Combine the lack of affection with the fear he may still have feelings for his ex, and it’s a constant battle inside my head debating whether or not he really loves me. 
 

I share this story because about a month ago, his ex got into a relationship with someone. I am just wondering if he is being honest about finally realizing how much he loves me and if he doesn’t start putting in more effort then he will lose me OR if he found out his ex is now in a committed relationship and realizes he needs to move on.

please be kind in your responses- I know I may seem insecure or crazy for thinking this. I just would like some perspective.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you hanging on to a relationship that makes you feel "crazy"?

My point is that when you meet the right guy, you will fee safe, secure, comfortable and easily on the same page with each other. Communication is easy and how the other person feels about you is clear.

What you have here is a relationship that has always been on edge, distant, questionable. So why do you hang on? You cannot count on someone changing. A good clue that you should move on is the fact that you feel insecure and crazy instead of feeling safe and secure.

Imo, you should have let this go a long time ago. You deserve better.

Edited by DancingFool
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

51 minutes ago, Easchm0494 said:

as of two weeks ago, he has been super affectionate. Like a complete 180. He says I am the love of his life/ his soulmate/he wants to marry me. He’s basically saying all of the things I wish he said when we lived closer to each other.

My guess is that he probably wants something from you. He's probably suffered some sort of rejection or negativity and needs security and reassurance to sooth himself. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He may be honest but his track history shows that he sort of bounces like a yo yo. Even while he's honest he's going back and forth. Perhaps he needs more time single. 

I would not be able to trust this man given his history. The door can close as soon as you realize that you deserve better and you're ready to let go of the past. 

There's a dangerous thing that happens when we associate with people we lose respect for.. eventually we become that person by association and osmosis. Like DF, I too think you can do much better and if you move on, don't be like this. Cut ties and move on without looking back. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Easchm0494 said:

So I have had a lot of issues with the guy I’m dating when it comes to emotional availability. We have dated a little over a year now. He told me he loved me about 4 months in, but he never would elaborate. He knew he withheld affection from me and would even admit he feels bad because he can’t love me the way I deserved. We almost broke up a couple times.

Okay, so you've been dealing with a guy, who has been emotionally unavailable for at least 4 months of your relationship- which was most likely due to his hurt over his EX.

And then, you mentioned he ran back to her... 😕 

1 hour ago, Easchm0494 said:

Two months after we met, he claimed he didn’t see a future with me anymore, and I found out he hung out with his ex-fiancé a week later (they broke up 4 years ago). My bf snd I ended up reconnecting after one month of no contact and have been dating ever since. However, this has affected my ability to really trust him.

 Yeah... none of this sounds good.

 

No offence, but why you stuck around, accepting any of this, I don't know.. 😕 

If I saw signs of a guy ( who I was newly involved with), run back to his ex - I would not go back .

 

I feel he has never truly let her go.. he's still 'stuck' on his past (proof, with him going back her way..).

Do you really trust him? 

With all he's put you through, I wouldn't . I'd be surely insulted 😕 

Edited by SooSad33
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Easchm0494 said:

I wasn’t going to put my life on hold for someone who makes it seem like I’m an inconvenience when asking for the bare minimum. 

I moved back in February, and as of two weeks ago, he has been super affectionate.

Take your time and make sure there's actions behind any words, since there have been issues in the past. His ex has nothing to do with this.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so you've been dealing with a guy, who has been emotionally unavailable for at least 4 months of your relationship- which was most likely due to his hurt over his EX.

And then, you mentioned he ran back to her... 😕 

 Yeah... none of this sounds good.

 

No offence, but why you stuck around, accepting any of this, I don't know.. 😕 

If I saw signs of a guy ( who I was newly involved with), run back to his ex - I would not go back .

 

I feel he has never truly let her go.. he's still 'stuck' on his past (proof, with him going back her way..).

Do you really trust him? 

With all he's out you through, I wouldn't . I'd be surely insulted 😕 

Ugh I know. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Thank you for the response. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you're suspicious of his ex and you're suspicious of the meal service woman.  You think he's cheating on you with multiple women and apparently don't trust him.

Why again did you choose to reconcile with this man?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your instincts are correct. He’s acting clingy now that he doesn’t have any other options. You know he’s a liar and a cheater so why are you still with him? Please look up the toxic cycle of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. This isn’t love, it’s obsession, deprivation and addiction caused by intermittent reinforcement. He gives you a hint of the love you need but it’s so sporadic and unreliable that the quest to get another hit becomes desperate and addictive. This is well documented in animal studies, where a rat presses a leaver and gets a treat randomly. They get so obsessed with the mechanism that they perish.

It takes a lot to extricate yourself from this dynamic but it may be the best thing you ever do. You know he can’t love you the way you need, so act like it and dump him for good. Block and delete.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think if you've had so many doubts about this guy already, like regarding meal prep girl and his ex, plus the lack of affection. I think you've been suspicious and having doubts probably for a reason. The thing is that if someone is really into you, their behaviour would be consistent. They would show how much they're into you right from the start. I think you might be right that he's realised his ex is with someone else and he also got worried that you moved away. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. This guy seems to have been blowing hot and cold the whole time. First he said he didn't see a future with you, then said he loved you. Then wasn't affectionate or loving, but now is? I think he sounds too unstable and like too much hard work. Don't you want a guy that you don't have to doubt is into you?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think if you've had so many doubts about this guy already, like regarding meal prep girl and his ex, plus the lack of affection. I think you've been suspicious and having doubts probably for a reason. The thing is that if someone is really into you, their behaviour would be consistent. They would show how much they're into you right from the start. I think you might be right that he's realised his ex is with someone else and he also got worried that you moved away. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. This guy seems to have been blowing hot and cold the whole time. First he said he didn't see a future with you, then said he loved you. Then wasn't affectionate or loving, but now is? I think he sounds too unstable and like too much hard work. Don't you want a guy that you don't have to doubt is into you?

I guess I’m just afraid I’ll never find that. You’re right though. Thank you for the response. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So you're suspicious of his ex and you're suspicious of the meal service woman.  You think he's cheating on you with multiple women and apparently don't trust him.

Why again did you choose to reconcile with this man?

I guess I just doubt whether my suspicions are legit or if I’m just being paranoid. Either way, this isn’t how someone should be feeling in a relationship. Thanks for your feedback 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The catering woman and ex are somewhat beside the point.

You've been on/off and that in itself is a red flag. You've wanted him to change, that's another red flag.

You've moved away for work and distance situations are difficult.

So add all this up without factoring in food lady and ex lady, and it's still a losing proposition.

Take his words as just words. Another red flag is now he dangling the "M" word like a carrot and stick.

Decide how much time you want to waste on someone with this track record.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Easchm0494 said:

I guess I’m just afraid I’ll never find that.

Yes you will. But you have to get rid of this dead weight first. If you stay with him, you're gonna be stuck with him. You'll miss every chance at a good relationship because you'll be committed to this bad relationship.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, Easchm0494 said:

I guess I’m just afraid I’ll never find that. You’re right though. Thank you for the response. 

ok... this is the real problem to be worked on. Why are so afraid that you can't find better? 

Surely,  being alone is better than being skeptical of your man's sudden affection. This right here says it.

He is not a good catch and he's proving that over and over. 

What you should be afraid of is THAT YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE GUTS TO LEAVE THIS DONKEY!

sorry to shout, but you seem to not hear us. 

You want a good guy to choose you?  Well, gf, you gotta choose you. You gotta bet on you. e.v.e.r.y.t.i.m.e!

You know what you want,  what you'll accept and holding yourself to that standard makes the difference. The good ones put up... the bad ones shut up.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • If Only A Narcissist Could Say THIS
      The more you are exposed to a narcissist, the more you struggle with the question: "Why can't this person appreciate the legitimacy of me succeeding?" Dr. Les Carter muses about a statement that you won't hear from a narcissist, but offers strong words of affirmation about how to thrive despite the narcissist's gaslighting.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Surviving & Maintaining The No Contact Rule
      Surviving and maintaining the no contact rule to take your power back so you can attract better and reach your full potential. In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email success story from a viewer who went through a bad breakup about a year ago. He says that his ex broke his heart into pieces and my work helped him get through a very dark time. He says she is stalking his social media and calls from different numbers, but he has not given into weakness or the urges to let her back into his life. It’s an interesting account of a man’s journey to self-love, self-respect, healing and overcoming a toxic relationship that no longer serves him.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 spiritual habits that changed my life
      5 spiritual habits that changed my life
      • 0 replies
    • When a Man Ignores You - One Text Makes Him Regret It Immediately!
      In this video, I'm going to explain what to do when a man ignores you. I will also explain the reasons why men ignore the women they date and you will learn 2 powerful text messages that will turn things around and make him regret it and change his behavior. Are you Being ignored by someone you care about? IF so, you know it’s one of the most frustrating and difficult situations to deal with especially when you don’t know the reason. That’s why In this video, I’m going to share the reasons why the person you’re dating or interested in might be ignoring you. And I’m going to tell you exactly what to do about each of them.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Johnny Berba's best tips for mental health improvement: taking action reduces anxiety & depression
      In this video, Johnny Berba shares his best tips for conquering anxiety and depression. Maintaining good mental health is not as hard as some people think, it's really about taking small action steps.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...