Broke up with love of my life because of His mom

[Tonight.majestic]

8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

He is right, it will only get worse.  I am glad that you have sought counseling.   

So, he puts you down all the time and rages at you, do you know recognize how toxic and dangerous this relationship was for you.  Thank goodness you did not subject your kids to this.  

Did you come from an abusive background?   Why do you think you accepted his behavior and saw it as normal?

He did not put me down all the time. He did many wonderful things for me that other men have not. His only flaw was his anger outbursts which weren't often but did happen. 

He could be extremely caring, affectionate, considerate, and sweet. 

But I do agree that the anger was abusive. And sadly, because his parents fought like that, he didn't see any issues with it. 

[Seraphim]

47 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

But I do agree that the anger was abusive. And sadly, because his parents fought like that, he didn't see any issues with it. 

And THAT is why he will never learn because he can’t be objective about his parents’ bad behaviour and change his . 

[Andrina]

Stop labeling him as the love of your life because obviously he wasn't. Most people do have some good traits, but if there is one dealbreaker in the mix, that has to override the good. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list moving forward. It will save you from almost marrying someone who you shouldn't be marrying, or spending a second more with him once you witness a dealbreaker.

[Cheetarah]

1 hour ago, Tonight.majestic said:

He did not put me down all the time. He did many wonderful things for me that other men have not. His only flaw was his anger outbursts which weren't often but did happen. 

He could be extremely caring, affectionate, considerate, and sweet. 

But I do agree that the anger was abusive. And sadly, because his parents fought like that, he didn't see any issues with it. 

Well, he had a choice to be the person to end that toxicity and cycle.  We all see poor things modeled by our families; it doesn’t destine us for the same outcome.  In this case, he normalized the behaviors.  That was his choice.  Not his choice how he was raised.  But his choice to recognize what is unhealthy and he didn’t and doesn’t sound like he will.  So that’s enough of an answer for you.  
 

Regarding mom, I don’t know I suppose it doesn’t matter now since she’s dead(not to sound cold), but clearly it was terminal and I can see him wanting to be near her as much as possible.  There could have been other ways to do that that didn’t leave you on a floor and with communication shut down.  
 

You made the right choice.  

[Tonight.majestic]

21 minutes ago, Cheetarah said:

Well, he had a choice to be the person to end that toxicity and cycle.  We all see poor things modeled by our families; it doesn’t destine us for the same outcome.  In this case, he normalized the behaviors.  That was his choice.  Not his choice how he was raised.  But his choice to recognize what is unhealthy and he didn’t and doesn’t sound like he will.  So that’s enough of an answer for you.  
 

Regarding mom, I don’t know I suppose it doesn’t matter now since she’s dead(not to sound cold), but clearly it was terminal and I can see him wanting to be near her as much as possible.  There could have been other ways to do that that didn’t leave you on a floor and with communication shut down.  
 

You made the right choice.  

To be honest, I am mad at his mother for intruding on a young couple and sleeping in our bed for 7 weeks. Completely uneccessary when she had her own home and husband. 

[Tonight.majestic]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Stop labeling him as the love of your life because obviously he wasn't. Most people do have some good traits, but if there is one dealbreaker in the mix, that has to override the good. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list moving forward. It will save you from almost marrying someone who you shouldn't be marrying, or spending a second more with him once you witness a dealbreaker.

Could it be that someone's deal breaker is another person's acceptable behavior? 

[Seraphim]

8 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

To be honest, I am mad at his mother for intruding on a young couple and sleeping in our bed for 7 weeks. Completely uneccessary when she had her own home and husband. 

Being mad at a dead person won’t help you. Be mad at the person who allowed and encouraged it. 
 

But honestly he needs more help than you are willing to admit . 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Could it be that someone's deal breaker is another person's acceptable behavior? 

Imagine him raging and having an angry outburst at or in front of your children. Imagine their tiny frightened faces. They can't understand why Daddy is acting this way or that Mommy has chosen to accept his behavior because other times he's "wonderful".

All abusers are nice sometimes. If they weren't no one would date them, plus it keeps you hanging on for more abuse, hoping the "real" him comes back. But the real him includes raging, angry outbursts.

[melancholy123]

12 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

I've tried to talk to him about it numerous times. Sadly, his parents fought with screaming matches and he defends it to this day. He refuses therapy. 

He lost his mom.....and right after, I left him. I feel like a total jerk. 

I think HE was the total jerk, not you.  Mom should not have been staying in your bed.  I get it that he was upset knowing mom was going to die however the way this all unfolded was so wrong.  Mom should have been staying somewhere else, and he visited her as often as possible.  His rage and anger is misguided yet at the same time, understandable as he knows mom is going to die.  I do think you are better off without him.

[Cheetarah]

1 hour ago, Tonight.majestic said:

To be honest, I am mad at his mother for intruding on a young couple and sleeping in our bed for 7 weeks. Completely uneccessary when she had her own home and husband. 

Why?  He made these choices.  And she’s not here to be angry at.  Be angry at the person responsible.  He’s grown.  

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

He did not put me down all the time. He did many wonderful things for me that other men have not. His only flaw was his anger outbursts which weren't often but did happen. 

He could be extremely caring, affectionate, considerate, and sweet. 

But I do agree that the anger was abusive. And sadly, because his parents fought like that, he didn't see any issues with it. 

People do not abuse all the time or no one would stick around.   If it occurs more than once, it is abuse.  You need to educate yourself on abuse in relationships.   

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

To be honest, I am mad at his mother for intruding on a young couple and sleeping in our bed for 7 weeks. Completely uneccessary when she had her own home and husband. 

The woman was dying.   How can you possibly blame her!  Terrible.   It was your bf's decision to bring  her in, as he could have moved in with them.   He then went on to abuse, yell, and insult you.   You are avoiding and excusing your ex's behavior.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm really sorry about this. I think the entire family sounds dysfunctional. Children don't get this way of their own accord. It's learned. Children learn how to give and take and how to be selfless and compassionate or how to talk to others, learn red flags and warning signs. 

It's good of you to explore this all in therapy. Why were you attracted to this high level of dysfunction? You're not alone, by the way. A lot of people have grown up in boundary-less households and gone on to make serious mistakes in their romantic relationships or other relationships later on. 

Keep on with the therapy and exploring those feelings of anger. I think you are searching for the root cause of the anger which goes higher up than just your boyfriend. Unfortunately this person is deceased but you are still trying to make sense of why this happened. 

 

[LaHermes]

OP:

 

How on earth could abuse and verbal assault ever be considered "acceptable behaviour" by anyone?

He is toxic and dangerous, and deranged. Such abuse and raging tends to escalate.  Worse still, he thinks such behaviour is normal.

"Affectionate and sweet" is merely a mask.

Keep away from this type of individual. 

[Hollyj]

56 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

OP:

 

How on earth could abuse and verbal assault ever be considered "acceptable behaviour" by anyone?

He is toxic and dangerous, and deranged. Such abuse and raging tends to escalate.  Worse still, he thinks such behaviour is normal.

"Affectionate and sweet" is merely a mask.

Keep away from this type of individual. 

I don't get blaming the dead mother.  A lot of denial.  

[maritalbliss86]

46 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I don't get blaming the dead mother.  A lot of denial.  

I think she's just trying to make sense of it, and feeling a lot of unresolved anger, which is totally normal.

Also, it was her therapist who brought up the mother was also partly at fault.  A normal, healthy mother probably would never have chosen to impose in that kind of way (taking over their only bed, in a tiny apartment, knowing she was likely on hospice care, etc.).

She was an adult, she chose to put them both through that, take over her (DIL's?) bed.  That's why she has some anger toward the mom also.  It's something an adult MIL normally wouldn't even think of doing.

[DancingFool]

Going to go against the flow here.....

His mother was literally actively dying and the OP couldn't manage to be supportive or share space for less than two months.... Instead of choosing to be supportive and empathetic, she chose to treat a woman dying of cancer as some kind of an enemy invading her territory. Instead of trying to work through it and finding solutions like renting a room or a hotel for a few nights here and there to get space and rest if she needed it, she chose to fight with her partner and to make his dying mother unwelcome and unwanted. Now OP presents herself as a victim. I don't buy it. To me she comes across as self centered and callous.

As for her partner, we actually don't have enough information to drag him through the coals or call him an abuser. 

[Hollyj]

But, the majority goes on the abusive bf.  He is the one she is living with and engaged to.   He could have moved out for a couple of months to live with his folks.   She is failing to acknowledge his part in this.

[Hollyj]

3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Going to go against the flow here.....

His mother was literally actively dying and the OP couldn't manage to be supportive or share space for less than two months.... Instead of choosing to be supportive and empathetic, she chose to treat a woman dying of cancer as some kind of an enemy invading her territory. Instead of trying to work through it and finding solutions like renting a room or a hotel for a few nights here and there to get space and rest if she needed it, she chose to fight with her partner and to make his dying mother unwelcome and unwanted. Now OP presents herself as a victim. I don't buy it. To me she comes across as self centered and callous.

As for her partner, we actually don't have enough information to drag him through the coals or call him an abuser. 

Yes.  Why didn't he get his mom a hotel room.  Ridiculous.  I also agree that she is coming through as heartless. 

Yelling, belittling, name calling, and insulting sounds abusive to me.

[DancingFool]

4 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Yes.  Why didn't he get his mom a hotel room.  Ridiculous.  I also agree that she is coming through as heartless. 

Yelling, belittling, name calling, and insulting sounds abusive to me.

Wow...really? Hey mom, you have only a few weeks of life left - let me park you in a hotel room. Seriously shaking my head here.

As for the rest, the OP is conveniently vague and the posters have really jumped in with assumptions and taken off on little to no actual information.

At any rate, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't see OP as the victim here.

 

[boltnrun]

I don't agree with "park terminally ill Mom in a hotel" either.

But, to me what would make more sense would be for the boyfriend to go stay with his mom. That's what I would have done.

That's water under the bridge now. Boyfriend's mom is sadly deceased, but it seems the resentment and anger continues. It's a shame, but death affects people differently.

[Hollyj]

15 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Wow...really? Hey mom, you have only a few weeks of life left - let me park you in a hotel room. Seriously shaking my head here.

As for the rest, the OP is conveniently vague and the posters have really jumped in with assumptions and taken off on little to no actual information.

At any rate, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't see OP as the victim here.

 

Listen, I lost my brother to cancer and am very sympathetic to the mother's situation.   He could have made a short-term rental for the parents or stayed at an Air BNB with them.   It would have been much more comfortable than 3 people being trapped in a tiny apartment.   The bf was not considering the comfort of the parent or his partner.   I cannot fathom why the father was not included during her final days.   I am considering the mother's comfort over everyone involved.

I was not implying that a terminal patient stay in a hotel by herself.  She should have been in a hospice.

 

[DancingFool]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't agree with "park terminally ill Mom in a hotel" either.

But, to me what would make more sense would be for the boyfriend to go stay with his mom. That's what I would have done.

That's water under the bridge now. Boyfriend's mom is sadly deceased, but it seems the resentment and anger continues. It's a shame, but death affects people differently.

The decision for the mother to come to him was because that was closer to whatever last ditch cancer treatments she was getting. I'm sure him spending some last moments with his mother was part of it.

For such a short period of time for the OP to pitch such a stink and have such hate and resentments is pretty messed up in my eyes. Such "unbearable" inconvenience for a whooping 7 weeks out of her entire lifetime. 

That said, I think ending this was the right choice. I think the guy deserves better and the OP needs to find someone who cater to her better  - no dying parents, no kids, no distractions. Just all attention to her and her convenience.

[DarkCh0c0]

@DancingFool If you were ill like this, would you rather spend your last days in your own bed/home, or spend them at someone else's? Also, would you like to spend them somewhere where it'll be crowded and uncomfortable for everyone? Or at your own spacious home with your own memories?.

Seriously, OP has done nothing wrong. She had concerns and her SO didn't take them in consideration. That's enough to end the relationship- whether or not the mum was dying. Also, he's abusive and his parents seem to be so too. So, she's totally better off.

I'm sorry, but on my last days I wouldn't want to be a burden on other people. The fact that the mother is dying does not justify such abusive and inconsiderate behaviours.

[Seraphim]

57 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Wow...really? Hey mom, you have only a few weeks of life left - let me park you in a hotel room. Seriously shaking my head here.

As for the rest, the OP is conveniently vague and the posters have really jumped in with assumptions and taken off on little to no actual information.

At any rate, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I don't see OP as the victim here.

 

I agree I would literally die to do anything for my mom if she were dying. ANYTHING.