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I posted in here before about meeting this person online and how I developed really strong feelings in a short period of time.

I basically ignored everyone’s advice even thou they were all spot on about the right thing to do in the situation and kept talking to her anyways.

I talk to her every night. I think I finally figured out that she uses sexting to keep men interested in her because she is lonely and afraid. I never realized this before, but I have been learning a lot about myself by talking to this girl. I guess I never knew that women did that type of stuff.

Also, I told her that I can’t do that with her or that I wasn’t interested in it anymore because I was getting too invested and she respected my wishes.

Im sure other posters already knew before me that their can’t be many emotions invested in those types of situations (sexting stuff) and I’m realizing this now. I guess the question that I have, is it possible for me to keep this person in my life and for my feelings to calm down naturally?

I feel like to some extend that has sort of been happening already, except in the cases where I drink, then I can get pretty neurotic. I’ve always been a neurotic person but I guess when I’m in romantic situations I have more reasons to beat up on myself.

Why do posters always suggest no contact, is it possible to heal even with contact. I tried to tell her that I need to take a break for my mental health, but she just says that she misses me and doesn’t want to let me go. I feel terrible that I posted in here again, but I don’t know what else to do. 

Edited by junebug123
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It's good that you've been honest with her but she needs to be honest with you aswell. She says she misses you but what are her intentions? Is she wanting the same as you or not? If not then it's not going to work and you will get hurt and she needs to leave you alone rather than cause you more damage. Time is to precious to waste on people who do not think you are worth their time.

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8 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I’ve always been a neurotic person but I guess when I’m in romantic situations I have more reasons to beat up on myself.

This is precisely why remaining friends with her is not a good idea, nor very realistic.

You are going to prolong your own pain if you keep in contact with her. Who cares if she doesn't want to let you go? It's not her decision.

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15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is precisely why remaining friends with her is not a good idea, nor very realistic.

You are going to prolong your own pain if you keep in contact with her. Who cares if she doesn't want to let you go? It's not her decision.

I have a friend whose also a guy. One day we were talking and I asked him if he still remains friends after a breakup. I told him I’m not the type of person to be able to do that because it just hurts me too much.

He told me that he does, and he can move on and he isn’t attracted to people who treat him badly. Sometimes I think this is my problem, like I don’t know why my attractive level peaks for women who neglect me.

I want to prove to myself that I can be an adult and if I can handle this online friendship that somehow that can transition into me developing healthier relationships with women irl.

Part of my problem is that I’m such an insecure person that I need constantly validation. I just wish I was a person who was more secure in myself and my decisions and could walk away from toxic situations more easily.

I think women would be more attracted to someone who respects themselves and doesn’t allow others to walk all over them. It’s just I’m so lonely like all the time, it’s so hard for me to lose people when I barely have anyone as it is. 

I guess I’m just venting like before and using these forum to seek attention. If I really wanted advice I would just listen to you guys. Is this behavior normal, I feel bad for doing this but also, I’m just feeling really lost and when I read your words it calms me down so much.

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28 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I have a friend whose also a guy. One day we were talking and I asked him if he still remains friends after a breakup. I told him I’m not the type of person to be able to do that because it just hurts me too much.

He told me that he does, and he can move on and he isn’t attracted to people who treat him badly. Sometimes I think this is my problem, like I don’t know why my attractive level peaks for women who neglect me.

Something of your own struggles, internally. So, is a GOOD reason to NOT continue with any of this.. - so you CAN move on in a healthy manner.  We really don't want/need ongoing reminders 😕 

 

30 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I want to prove to myself that I can be an adult and if I can handle this online friendship

There is no need for you to 'prove' anything - especially re: you can be an adult about it .. No.  You just work on letting it go.

IF it hurts, it's not good for you- so you need to let it go now.

31 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Part of my problem is that I’m such an insecure person that I need constantly validation. I just wish I was a person who was more secure in myself and my decisions and could walk away from toxic situations more easily.

Right.. so you know you need to let go of this.. and try to work on your own self.. Last thing you need is negativity sitting over you 😕 

How about you STOP looking for validation - thru women/relationship attempts and just focus on you... otherwise, you just get more lost & hurt.

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2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

😕

How about you STOP looking for validation - thru women/relationship attempts and just focus on you... otherwise, you just get more lost & hurt.

Let me think on this. I think you hit on something here. Maybe that’s what’s going on and I don’t realize this.

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Taking a break would allow you to reset a little.  She will be fine for a week or so while you get your emotions in order.  Also if drinking makes things worse then don't drink during this time.

Is this a thing where you are paying any money at all?  Have you ever sent her money?

Lost

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NO!   You cannot have contact if there are romantic feelings.  

Dude, this girl is 20-years-old, you are 35.  You have never met and have been communicating for a couple of weeks.  Let this go.  No contact!   Block her!

What friendship, you barely know this person.

Many of us recommended therapy. If you really felt bad you would seek professional help.   Are you going to get it?

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

if I can handle this online friendship that somehow that can transition into me developing healthier relationships with women irl.

Mentally healthy women irl will walk away when they find out you are in contact with someone you once sexted, even if you're now supposedly buddies. It's the opposite of what you should do if in fact you're serious about having a healthy relationship in 3D.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

NO!   You cannot have contact if there are romantic feelings.  

Dude, this girl is 20-years-old, you are 35.  You have never met and have been communicating for a couple of weeks.  Let this go.  No contact!   Block her!

What friendship, you barely know this person.

Many of us recommended therapy. If you really felt bad you would seek professional help.   Are you going to get it?

Okay. Block her and then what. How do I move on with my life. I would probably have to cry to like a therapist for like weeks to get over her and I don’t feel like spending money to do that.

Ive tried blocking her before but then my anxiety starts kicking in and I start worrying about her like crazy. Part of me thinks this is why she has such a strong pull on me.

She has put so many small signals forward to make me feel like a savior. Part of me knows she’s just manipulating me and that she engages in this behavior with others to trap them. However, it’s effective and it works and I feel compelled to think about her.

She pretty much always responds to me and I’m not used to getting that type of attention from women. I just feel like I found the one thing in my life that has made it worth living in such a long time and walking away from that is too much to bear.

I think at least if I can have her as a friend then I can be happy just a little bit. Also, if I start dating irl, I probably wouldn’t tell them about her. I have a strong emotionally connection to her, it’s hard for me to develop that with women irl, you think I’m going to just throw that away.

I don’t know why people keep bringing up time that has anything to do with architects and chemistry. Most of the women I hit it off with, I wouldn’t have needed to spend weeks or months for those feelings to develop.

And no there is no money involved Idk why people always think this is the case with cyber relationships, I guess it’s more common then I realized.

The most I’ll do is just let her reach out to me, and slowly start to distance myself from her. That’s about it, and I think that’s better then where I was before.

Edited by junebug123
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6 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Okay. Block her and then what. How do I move on with my life. I would probably have to cry to like a therapist for like weeks to get over her and I don’t feel like spending money to do that.

Ive tried blocking her before but then my anxiety starts kicking in and I start worrying about her like crazy. Part of me thinks this is why she has such a strong pull on me.

She has put so many small signals forward to make me feel like a savior. Part of me knows she’s just manipulating me and that she engages in this behavior with others to trap them. However, it’s effective and it works and I feel compelled to think about her.

She pretty much always responds to me and I’m not used to getting that type of attention from women. I just feel like I found the one thing in my life that has made it worth living in such a long time and walking away from that is too much to bear.

I think at least if I can have her as a friend then I can be happy just a little bit. Also, if I start dating irl, I probably wouldn’t tell them about her. I have a strong emotionally connection to her, it’s hard for me to develop that with women irl, you think I’m going to just throw that away.

I don’t know why people keep bringing up time that has anything to do with architects and chemistry. Most of the women I hit it off with, I wouldn’t have needed to spend weeks or months for those feelings to develop.

And no there is no money involved Idk why people always think this is the case with cyber relationships, I guess it’s more common then I realized.

The most I’ll do is just let her reach out to me, and slowly start to distance myself from her. That’s about it, and I think that’s better then where I was before.

You have known her for a couple of weeks.  You have never met.  You need to stop being so dramatic!  

Okay, so you don't want to actually help yourself, you want to continue with unhealthy choices and stay in a miserable, lonely place, choosing highly inappropriate people.  No one here can help you, unless you actually want to help yourself.

Good luck!  I'm out.

 

Edited by Hollyj
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49 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

You have known her for a couple of weeks.  You have never met.  You need to stop being so dramatic!  

Okay, so you don't want to actually help yourself, you want to continue with unhealthy choices and stay in a miserable, lonely place, choosing highly inappropriate people.  No one here can help you, unless you actually want to help yourself.

Good luck!  I'm out.

 

Your annoying anyways, and pushy. More so then any other poster I met on this cite.

Your just seeking negative attention when you make a reply like that. No one asked you to reply to this thread anyways, Jesus I though I was toxic but you just opened my eyes. 

Can we close this thread too. I’m done posting on this cite for a while every time I do I have to encounter people like this. Makes me so sick to my stomach.

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1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Also, if I start dating irl, I probably wouldn’t tell them about her.

That's not healthy or ethical. If you wouldn't want a woman to hide something like that from you, don't do that to her.

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22 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

Your annoying anyways, and pushy. More so then any other poster I met on this cite.

Your just seeking negative attention when you make a reply like that. No one asked you to reply to this thread anyways, Jesus I though I was toxic but you just opened my eyes. 

Can we close this thread too. I’m done posting on this cite for a while every time I do I have to encounter people like this. Makes me so sick to my stomach.

 The truth is difficult to hear.

Edited by Hollyj
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Just tell her you are taking a break for a week or so and you will contact her once you have reset your feelings.

Then do it!  Don't check on her, don't read messages (new or old) from her and steer clear of anything that could trigger your desire to contact her.

In fact it sounds like you need a break from the internet for a bit.  Get back to a healthy place in real life BEFORE you get back to fantasy life online.

Lost

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30 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Just tell her you are taking a break for a week or so and you will contact her once you have reset your feelings.

Then do it!  Don't check on her, don't read messages (new or old) from her and steer clear of anything that could trigger your desire to contact her.

In fact it sounds like you need a break from the internet for a bit.  Get back to a healthy place in real life BEFORE you get back to fantasy life online.

Lost

Ok

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You can't get better if you don't want to.

If your life is happy and fulfilling as it is right now, then don't do anything different!  Just carry on as you have been.

But...I don't think it is happy and fulfilling or you wouldn't be posting and you wouldn't be in pain, or anxious, or worried.

A professional can help you get better.  But maybe you don't want to get better because although you are lonely and anxious at least those feelings are familiar.  Being emotionally healthy might scare you, which is why you refuse to even consider professional help.

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59 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can't get better if you don't want to.

If your life is happy and fulfilling as it is right now, then don't do anything different!  Just carry on as you have been.

But...I don't think it is happy and fulfilling or you wouldn't be posting and you wouldn't be in pain, or anxious, or worried.

A professional can help you get better.  But maybe you don't want to get better because although you are lonely and anxious at least those feelings are familiar.  Being emotionally healthy might scare you, which is why you refuse to even consider professional help.

It would be the first night tonight that we didn’t talk. I can’t stop thinking about her my mind is just raging right now, the amount of times that my mind wanders to wondering if she has reached out is about 3-4 times every hour and will probably increase to 6-7 as midnight passes.

Mostly likely I won’t get any sleep and if I’m lucky it might be able not to indulge in reaching out or wondering if she’s replied by 3 or 4 am but the most I’ve ever made it was until 2am and then she would comfort me.

We both have serious issues, we usually just leave the phone on and listen to each other sleep. When I’m alone, I just spend most nights filled with anxiety. The moments I can get away from it is walking to the store getting some sandwich or coffee working on my micro services project and watching YouTube.

When I’m working regularly I don’t have as much of these issues because I’m busy all the time and my mind is exhausted. I guess there has been a few things just building up over time. I have a big video interview tmr with this company a state away, so I should try to get some rest.

I think if I don’t feel this way after the week is up I might not bother contacting her at all. I think also I’m just being competitive and stupid trying to win her over and if I really cared I would have never left her alone in the first place and maybe we both know this.

It just feels so good to have someone with me at night even if it’s just midnight whispers. She gets nightmares at night so I like being there, although after I left she gave me cold shoulder for a few days before we settled back in to our routine.

i feel like she is going to be devastated if I do this again, especially after I gained her trust. I don’t know why but I feel like she cast a very powerful spell on me and I can’t help but to put her needs and concerns above my own.

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5 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

It would be the first night tonight that we didn’t talk. I can’t stop thinking about her my mind is just raging right now, the amount of times that my mind wanders to wondering if she has reached out is about 3-4 times every hour and will probably increase to 6-7 as midnight passes.

Mostly likely I won’t get any sleep and if I’m lucky it might be able not to indulge in reaching out or wondering if she’s replied by 3 or 4 am but the most I’ve ever made it was until 2am and then she would comfort me.

We both have serious issues, we usually just leave the phone on and listen to each other sleep. When I’m alone, I just spend most nights filled with anxiety. The moments I can get away from it is walking to the store getting some sandwich or coffee working on my micro services project and watching YouTube.

When I’m working regularly I don’t have as much of these issues because I’m busy all the time and my mind is exhausted. I guess there has been a few things just building up over time. I have a big video interview tmr with this company a state away, so I should try to get some rest.

I think if I don’t feel this way after the week is up I might not bother contacting her at all. I think also I’m just being competitive and stupid trying to win her over and if I really cared I would have never left her alone in the first place and maybe we both know this.

It just feels so good to have someone with me at night even if it’s just midnight whispers. She gets nightmares at night so I like being there, although after I left she gave me cold shoulder for a few days before we settled back in to our routine.

i feel like she is going to be devastated if I do this again, especially after I gained her trust. I don’t know why but I feel like she cast a very powerful spell on me and I can’t help but to put her needs and concerns above my own.

Yeah, I can see you don't want to change.

If you're enjoying your life exactly as it is now, then there is no problem.

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20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, I can see you don't want to change.

If you're enjoying your life exactly as it is now, then there is no problem.

Okay. Maybe you have a point here. Let me think on this.

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Okay. Here’s what I gathered based on what you said. My attraction to this individual is not healthy. If it was healthy, then I wouldn’t be feeling this way, I wouldn’t have these worries.

This is someone who isn’t healthy and I shouldn’t associate with them. Okay, so I think if I accept that, then going no contact will not be difficult. Yet, I think the problem is that even if I accept that, I think my emotions are overruling the logic. 

I don’t think I’ve disagreed with you guys at all. I’m just telling you that I can’t control my emotions and they are causing me to behave in a way that has become pathological. Hence the reason why I am posting here. 

Writing me off and acting like I don’t want to change isn’t fair. If I could convince myself to see the things you guys see, it would be easy for me to walk away. I don’t want to get defensive but I can’t control these thoughts just trying to ignore them is difficult enough as it is.

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You can control your thoughts. It takes practice and time for that practice until it becomes second nature and your brain starts hardwiring differently.

I would challenge you to think the opposite every time you tell yourself one thought involving the word "can't". 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

You can control your thoughts. It takes practice and time for that practice until it becomes second nature and your brain starts hardwiring differently.

I would challenge you to think the opposite every time you tell yourself one thought involving the word "can't". 

 

 

Eventually I checked my discord to see her reply. But I didn’t respond. I’m already starting to feel better like last time when I pulled away. 

I guess it is just hard because we were both part of this online thing and she kept reaching out to me. I don’t know how I got sucked back in but I don’t think she really cares about me at all. I think her ego was bruised and she just wanted my attention.

Its just, even thou I can go back to feeling normal, I don’t think that has done anything for me. I’m just running away from the feelings that come up every time I meet and date women. 

I really want to develop healthy feelings, but it always turns to infatuation the moment they start neglecting me. I’m just modeling the relationship I have with my mother. Like closing this chapter in my book doesn’t really solve the overall problem of me being lonely.

Im going to see if I can find a licensed therapist. I guess my problem or most people’s problem is that like one poster pointed out, we are scared to change because the fear of the unknown is much greater then the reality we currently endure.

Edited by junebug123
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8 hours ago, junebug123 said:

i feel like she is going to be devastated if I do this again

She'll be fine. 

She's got you believing the little story that she needs you, but you have to stop falling for that. If she's sexting other guys, she will have no problem finding someone else to manipulate. 

You would be naive to believe you're the only man she's got wrapped around her finger right now. 

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