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Any chance he texts me again? Or I was too weird


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Hi everyone,

I need your dating advice. Can’t stop thinking about this guy. We had a match in a dating app at around 10 pm. The chat was really fun, so he said: Let’s meet for a picnic tomorrow. Turned out we live 10 min away from each other.

On the 1st date it was obvious that he liked my physically. We couldn't end the date bc neither of us wanted to leave. Talking about his previous experiences... He told me that he was seeing a girl for 3 months, fell for her but for her it was just sex. I was the 1st person he went out on a date with after that. He said he was hurt by what happened but feels better now.

I’d describe myself as a shy person. I usually have good dates with guys but in 99% cases I friend-zone them because I feel no sexual attraction. With this guy I almost instantly felt physically attracted.

He texted me right after the date and we agreed to meet again. On the next day he invited me for a walk. It was going well. We got hungry. Because of covid the restaurants were all closed, we ended up going to his place. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to go there and basically told me about that plan when we were 1 min away. I played along bc I was very much into him. We had only 1 hour before the curfew…so we cooked together. It was fun. And then he kissed me and things start to escalate. He lifted me in his arms and took me to his bed. I told him that I’m not ready to have sex and left his place very quickly.

He texted me asking why I was anxious, and that we need to see each other again without any rush.

Then there were Easter holidays. And for almost 4 days he didn’t text me. On Sunday evening he asked if I wanted to meet on Monday morning (impossible due to my working schedule) or meet at his place again for cooking in the evening. He mentioned that he hiked with friends and did a work out with a girl (his friend). I felt a bit odd that he invited me to his house again bc it was kinda awkward last time. So I refused the dinner invitation.

I texted him after a few days, asking if he wants to hang out outside. He said yes, but he was sick and had a herpes on his lip, so, as he said, he won’t be able to kiss me. We agreed that he texts me when he feels better. 

In a few days we met again. We ate pizza, walked around, chatted. Then it got really cold. We were again near his place. So he said, let’s have some tea on my rooftop to warm up. 

Instead of the rooftop we somehow ended up in a balcony in his room. In the main room there was his flatmate. After some time we started kissing. It was really good. But I told him I want to take things slow and still not ready for sex. He was very emotional about it… he said that we both want it, and it’s a childish behaviour from me. That there were many mixed signals from me (which was true), and he just doesn’t understand what stops me. He was very pushy and assertive, so I ended up getting angry. My point was that we can just kiss and cuddle, and watch a movie. And I don’t see anything childish about that.

I left his place, saying goodbye and thinking that after that awkward situation we won’t talk again 100%. He texted me in half an hour. The message was huge. He said it was miscommunication and wrong assumptions from both sides. And that he is usually fine with taking things slow. He said that I was nervous and asked what could he do to make me less nervous.

I failed to explain myself. I gave vague responses. Basically, to be less nervous I needed to communicate with him more, to receive more texts, to spend more time together etc. But usually you don't tell people that. They just do it because they want it too.

He complimented me a lot. But it was mostly something nice about my looks. Like ‘you are hot’, ‘you have a tiny waist’.  Or you are cute-hot and it’s my favourite type of girls.

I was blaming myself for sabotaging everything. In a week I texted him, saying that I appreciated his last message and it was a mature thing to do. That I'm usually avoiding confrontation and that's why I struggled to express myself better. He replied quickly and was very nice, saying that it’s OK. I shouldn’t worry and that he tried to understand where I was coming from but he couldn’t. Eventually, he said “maybe it wasn’t as smooth as it could have been”. So, I guess that's that.

I did like him a lot. I guess I was behaving really weird and silly. Maybe I got used to the situation when guys were showing their interest in me more explicitly. And I could feel like getting closer with them is “safer” to me.

Any thoughts?

Should I learn from this and move on? Do you think he is gonna text me again at some point?

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25 minutes ago, alice_in_wland said:

Should I learn from this

Yup. You should learn to run for the hills with guys who do this:
 

26 minutes ago, alice_in_wland said:

I told him I want to take things slow and still not ready for sex. He was very emotional about it… he said that we both want it, and it’s a childish behaviour from me. That there were many mixed signals from me (which was true), and he just doesn’t understand what stops me. He was very pushy and assertive,

I would've deleted and blocked this clown without any hestiation after a stunt like that. You should hope you don't hear from him again - he's only looking to get laid and doesn't have any respect for you at all. 

Huge red flags here. 

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You were not acting silly! You were actually very smart. I think it was pretty obvious the guy just really wanted sex. And maybe there was a possibility that he ONLY wanted sex and nothing else. He kept telling you to go to his place and kept trying to have sex. And he got very pushy and angry. This is after you ALREADY told him on the first date that you are not ready to have sex. He didn't care about anything you were saying at all and not respecting you at all. He was not entitled to get sex from you, but he was acting forceful and entitled. I think he sounds really bad and I would personally never contact him again.

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You weren't acting silly, you were setting boundaries and he was disrespecting them. You clearly told him what you wanted, couldn't have been any clearer to be honest, and he got mad and "emotional" and worst of all, he made you doubt yourself and your behavior. 

Yes learn from this, that men you're interested in should respect your needs. And when someone blames you for something you said no to by calling you childish etc, RUN. Manipulative as h*ll.

If he texts you again, don't give in,block him now even. He showed some major red flags. I wouldn't believe him on anything he said about that "ex" either. He was the one probably just looking for sex. 

Edited by Cope
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He wants sex. He's playing the "I'm so shy" game to trick you into thinking he isn't trying to get you into his bed. Plus, he picked you up and carried you to his bed and you went back after that? Why on earth?

If you want a casual sex hookup situation, then by all means carry on (safely). But if you want a dating situation this guy is not it.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Plus, he picked you up and carried you to his bed and you went back after that? Why on earth?

Thanks for your opinion! I know, I shouldn't have gone there again. But he has a very strong sexual energy and I completely got under his spell. 

And I won't be able to have a hook up with him because if it gets physical, I might develop feelings for him. 

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19 minutes ago, alice_in_wland said:

Thanks for your opinion! I know, I shouldn't have gone there again. But he has a very strong sexual energy and I completely got under his spell. 

And I won't be able to have a hook up with him because if it gets physical, I might develop feelings for him. 

So what are you going to do the next time he gets you to agree to go to his place?

You do know you can say "no", right?  And if that makes him angry or "scares him off", you know what the real answer is.

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You were not wrong.  This guy wants sex.  If you sleep with him,  he'll probably dump you.  

Based on his actions, I highly doubt the last girl he dated for 3 months was dumped because she only wanted sex. 

That was a lie to gain your trust.  like see, I'm not into just sex.  

Never give a guy another shot once they get angry, emotional, etc about your refusal to sex. 

That was not miscommunication. he wants sex and here you are,  a woman on the hook. he's going to keep trying.

Block this guy. 

 

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This seems very uncomfortable and disrespectful. 

As a general rule, avoid going over to anyone's home so early if you're against no-strings sex. Pandemic dating has blurred the lines a little as a lot of eateries and venues are closed. Look for patio dining if still available, picnics at a park, walk and eat and see the sights and sounds. If the weather isn't good, keep the meet ups short. One or two hours max. Do not go over to his home if you're not comfortable. 

I understand that sexual energy spell. Fallen under it once or twice myself. Just be a little more wary next time around. I wouldn't meet this person again because of his reaction. My suspicion is that he's too stuck in his ways and is looking for sex too early and depends on sex to feel validated in a relationship. There's a difference between sex for intimacy and sex for validation. 

 

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5 hours ago, alice_in_wland said:

He lifted me in his arms and took me to his bed. I told him that I’m not ready to have sex and left his place very quickly.

He texted me asking why I was anxious

You did the right thing and dodged a bullet. He's a player.

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51 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This seems very uncomfortable and disrespectful. 

As a general rule, avoid going over to anyone's home so early if you're against no-strings sex. Pandemic dating has blurred the lines a little as a lot of eateries and venues are closed. Look for patio dining if still available, picnics at a park, walk and eat and see the sights and sounds. If the weather isn't good, keep the meet ups short. One or two hours max. Do not go over to his home if you're not comfortable. 

I understand that sexual energy spell. Fallen under it once or twice myself. Just be a little more wary next time around. I wouldn't meet this person again because of his reaction. My suspicion is that he's too stuck in his ways and is looking for sex too early and depends on sex to feel validated in a relationship. There's a difference between sex for intimacy and sex for validation. 

 

When I was ready to be alone in one of our homes (depended on how long I'd known him before we started dating) I was direct and simple beforehand "I'm looking forward to ____ and I'm not ready to have sex yet" - that way he knew beforehand and not when we were in some awkward position. So to speak.  I'd try to avoid the "sexual spell" excuse -be 100% accountable for what you can control.  You always can control the choice to have sex (putting aside horrible situations of rape of course!)

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm looking forward to ____ and I'm not ready to have sex yet

Thanks for your reply! You are right. After the 2nd date I openly told him, I'm not ready and he said "Understood". So I thought it won't be a problem for a while. 

What really confused me is that he texted me very quickly after both awkward situations. And he was really analysing it, and trying to talk. So in my mind it looked like he was trying to find the common ground.

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1 minute ago, alice_in_wland said:

Thanks for your reply! You are right. After the 2nd date I openly told him, I'm not ready and he said "Understood". So I thought it won't be a problem for a while. 

What really confused me is that he texted me very quickly after both awkward situations. And he was really analysing it, and trying to talk. So in my mind it looked like he was trying to find the common ground.

Yes I get it.  All the more reason to stay away from him.

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1 minute ago, alice_in_wland said:

And he was really analysing it, and trying to talk. 

Yes, he's trying to make it seem like you have some sort of anxiety disorder because he can't get in your pants asap. Try to see through this.

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5 hours ago, alice_in_wland said:

he said that we both want it, and it’s a childish behaviour from me. That there were many mixed signals from me (which was true), and he just doesn’t understand what stops me.

Ew. You don't have to run your thought process by him. He's not the Great Validator. I hope you aren't attracted to these insults.

5 hours ago, alice_in_wland said:

He said it was miscommunication and wrong assumptions from both sides. And that he is usually fine with taking things slow. He said that I was nervous and asked what could he do to make me less nervous.

Wow. A complete 180 from before. He will obviously say anything to get laid.

5 hours ago, alice_in_wland said:

he was sick and had a herpes on his lip

EW!!!!

5 hours ago, alice_in_wland said:

Should I learn from this and move on?

YES. Please do!!

You could end up with a herp-lip too, if you're not more careful. Or much, much worse. He could have attacked you. 

I realize you were caught off guard when you went to his apartment. But you really ought to be more on the ball about your safety.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

When I was ready to be alone in one of our homes (depended on how long I'd known him before we started dating) I was direct and simple beforehand "I'm looking forward to ____ and I'm not ready to have sex yet" - that way he knew beforehand and not when we were in some awkward position. So to speak.  I'd try to avoid the "sexual spell" excuse -be 100% accountable for what you can control.  You always can control the choice to have sex (putting aside horrible situations of rape of course!)

She told him no sex and he still tried to push for it, even calling her "childish" and using that tired old line "you know you want it". This is not a guy who will ever respect her boundaries. 

OP, I hope you have blocked him from contacting you.  Unless you're down for a casual sex hookup situation,  which I believe you said you are not.

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1 hour ago, alice_in_wland said:

What really confused me is that he texted me very quickly after both awkward situations. And he was really analysing it, and trying to talk. So in my mind it looked like he was trying to find the common ground.

What is there is to analyze?

You barely know the guy. You told him no, you weren't ready. It's not complicated. Why the need for an analysis, if not to try to make you give in more quickly?

The more you write, the skeezier he sounds. 

 

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The douchebag got insulting after pressuring you for sex, then tried to make it sound like it's your fault.

I wouldn't give him another thought, but I'd learn from this to spend more time getting to know someone in public places.

Anybody who isn't up for that isn't interested in getting to know you, so skip him.

Consider dating as a process of screening OUT the frogs and snakes.

Head high.

 

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The dude was only after sex: "he said that we both want it, and it’s a childish behaviour from me."  This is very manipulative. " He was very pushy and assertive"  This is clearly not someone who  wants to get to know you, or  respects your wishes.  Stop going back to men's homes unless you want to sleep with them.

Why would you want to hear from this jerk again?!   Delete and block.

 

 

Edited by Hollyj
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He said no rush, but called you childish because you said slow down. He just wanted to plow you and doesn't care about anything else. This man doesn't respect boundaries.

IMO you are very lucky you got out of there intact. You should never go to a stranger's place expecting nothing to happen. You could have been raped. The next time a guy tries to gravitate to his or your place, you gravitate over to the delete button.

Edited by smackie9
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