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suggestions for girlfriends dieting issues???


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Hey guys, it's been a while since I've been on here! I have been with my girlfriend over 9 months now. We are in a very loving relationship and things are really well right now for the most part. Well, one of the areas we struggle with together is the dieting. I just wanted to ask how others maybe deal with this. My girlfriend and I are both overweight. Not disgustingly huge or anything, but just overweight like most people are these days. We wanted to drop weight not only to be healthier but for the beach this summer. I feel like, the dieting and weight loss is starting to really become a problem, not necessarily with us, but more so on her.

I've been bad with food since we've met. Over the past year or two since I got my newer, nicer job I've been getting fast food and takeout a lot, and she noticed. She would call me out on it and vent her concerns. The past couple months, I'm very have made some drastic dietary changes that I have stuck with. I wanna change for the both of us. I've cut out all the fast food lunches and have been eating healthier dinners. My blood pressure dropped and last I checked I lost 7 pounds so far. 🙂 Something that was helping us do this together, we were sending pictures of each others food all week, breakfast, lunches, and dinners. The photo system has really been helping me not cheat.

 

This week, my girlfriend really started to slack off. She didn't send me a picture of her food in five days. In a supporting manner, I called her out on it (via text), I told her even if you're eating junk you're supposed to be sending me pictures of your food. I told her it's okay to fail, too, because you can find what strategies work or don't. She got very mad, and said I was ***ing at her over it (she never talks to me that way). In that moment I realized how touchy and difficult of a subject this dieting is for her. 

She said she gets mad because I still allow myself junk and still lose weight... I allow myself a couple cheat days in the week to get pizza or other food I love, because I know this diet is not going to work for me without it. And she claims to not be eating any junk, but not losing weight. I'm starting to not believe her. She sends pictures of salads, shakes, and other healthy foods and hasn't dropped a single pound. This week I definitely caught her with her pants down, especially with her snapping at me over not sending pics. She tells me she hasn't ate so many days, skipping meals. I think she's eating garbage and is ashamed to send pictures.

 

It's just frustrating, I'm trying very hard and making progress, and when she doesn't, she gets mad. I feel like I can't eat anything bad without it being an issue for her. Even if I've ate healthy the rest of the week, I feel like that's something she needs to get a grip on. I feel like our picture system has gone down the drain. I feel like if she doesn't see instant results, she gets fed up and moves on to something else. What do you guys suggest I do about this part of our relationship? I do go to a therapist, and she even struggled to give advice on this one. She said my girlfriend should go to a therapist for eating disorders, and I agree, but suggesting that to her is also a touchy thing. My girlfriend, she does have clinical depression and takes meds for it. She confesses to emotional and stress eating. She did want to go to therapy again (for her depression), I feel like she should see someone about this dieting. 

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22 minutes ago, musicman777 said:

I think she's eating garbage and is ashamed to send pictures.

I think it's best to keep thoughts like this to yourself, until you have proof. And even after you have proof, you should be mindful of how you approach another person about how they handle their personal struggles. 

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Maybe the photo system has been helping you, but it doesn’t sound like it is her.  
 

Also, I assume if you eat pizza you send the pic of that too.  Man, I would immediately fall off the bandwagon if I had to look at pizza pictures a couple times a week.  
 

Being on antidepressants can make weight loss very difficult.  And metabolisms are different, especially for women with fluctuating hormones.  
 

Maybe don’t try doing this together right now.  She may need to find her own method and yes, it’s discouraging when your weight loss partner is making strides and you’re not.  That’s not your fault.  She’s got to find what works for her.  It doesn’t seem this plan is her thing. 

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What's you exercise plan? Are the two of you paired up on an app that tracks that?

Just changing food without exercise might help with an initial drop, especially in men, but without an increase in movement to support it, the results aren't likely to be inspiring.

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This seems to be a VERY sensitive issue for her... as yes, she is probably struggling.. So maybe dont be at her so much.

Instead keep your focus on you!

If you want your pizza, have it.  Let her deal with it her way... but dont feel bad.

She should not be getting upset at you over that though.  Sounds like she's got some real negativity spilling onto you 😕 

Do her meds assist in her weight gain? Some meds do... maybe ask her to talk to her Dr about that- and maybe med change, if it does?

You can also change things up a bit... and yah, avoid the weekly pics.

How about a decent meal together? Something tasty & healthy.. salad or vegies... fish or chicken.

You two can look up  weight watchers type sites & look up recipes to try..etc. So you BOTH can understand how it all works.

Even take walks together.. stretches.. some sort of exercises.

But, remember, if this is all new, can take some time to adjust to that.  (baby steps) and not always instant success- maybe remind her of this.

Takes work is all.. and need to continue as so.. and never anything wrong with an occasional treat...

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13 hours ago, musicman777 said:

My girlfriend, she does have clinical depression and takes meds for it. She confesses to emotional and stress eating. She did want to go to therapy again (for her depression), I feel like she should see someone about this dieting. 

Ok. When it comes to dieting,eating, therapy and mental health, everyone needs to stay in their own lane.

That's the best way to handle it.

If and when she's ready, she'll address whatever she wants and needs to address.

Try not to make food, eating, mental health, therapy, etc. an issue in a relationship.

It's great you care, and it's ok to listen occasionally, but don't try to fix anything.

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Awesome progress on your weight loss journey! Keep it up. 🙂 I understand that dieting is something you do together and that motivated you. Unfortunately, you aren't in-sync at the moment. So, I'd suggest you keep dieting because you want to and the benefits it gives you. Do it for you and be proud of the progress you've accomplished so far.

As for her - maybe she feels pressured? Maybe something else? Whatever her reasons for not progressing in her weight loss journey right now, they are most likely not related to you. Keep supporting her from the sidelines, whilst she figures this out.

Edited by greendots
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  • 3 weeks later...

Hey guys, nice to hear from some of you after all the years and thanks for the replies. 🙂 I haven't gotten a chance to read till now, so busy! Thank you for all the advice on handling dieting ventures with my gf. My biggest take away with the lot of your responses is that, the dieting thing is moreso a personal journey than a couples one. I really wanted to do this with her, but I've come to the conclusion (today!) that that's not going to be possible. It's sad, the picture system was really helping me but I think it's gonna have to come to a stop. She never participates half the time anymore.

So a little update; the food thing is still a big challenge for her. I'm really starting to notice it a lot more and how bad it really is. Her life with dieting and relationship with food is an absolute cluster frack of a mess. l said it before, but if something doesn't work within a week or two, she gives up. She tried something new last week, stuck with it for a few days and then stopped that, too.

 

This dieting, she needs professional help at this point. I really really wish she would see a therapist (both for her depression and eating), and a dietitian. She called on therapist over a month ago, found out they didn't take her insurance, and never looked for anyone else. She said this week she was close to giving up with dieting. I feel like she's really hitting rock bottom. She gets advice from everywhere and everyone but professionals. "Coaches", facebook groups, friends of family. Tries crazy ideas, fad diets, fasting. She needs something that's going to work for her. 

I'd absolutely never leave her or anything over it, we're very in love and everything else is great. But, her dieting struggles (and her depression), it takes an emotional toll on me sometimes. This week has been a little hard. I notice, when there's periods of us eating bad (this weekend we did), or if she's going through her depression, her demeanor really changes. She texts less, gives less attention. She lets outside factors seep into her relationship. It's a difficult balance sometimes, because I have anxiety disorder and OCD myself. And that OCD, it will cling on to her behavior towards and start making meaning over it. 

On 4/25/2021 at 1:36 AM, greendots said:

As for her - maybe she feels pressured? Maybe something else? Whatever her reasons for not progressing in her weight loss journey right now, they are most likely not related to you. Keep supporting her from the sidelines, whilst she figures this out.

Thanks, this is ultimately what I am going to do is just support her from the sidelines. If she wants to eat healthy or cook, I'm always 100% happy to. But I'm not going to push it. And I always tell her how much I love her and now beautiful and sexy she is already, and her dieting or not is not going to change that. 🙂 Yes the food issues have nothing to do with me. So earlier in the year, she told me the true root of her depression in a nuclear bomb confession. I swore to her I would never tell anyone and I will not do so even anonymously on the internet. 

Without revealing what it is, she went through a very very very emotionally, life changing traumatic experience a few years ago. She'll have to live with this experience for the rest of her life. This type of trauma that she went through, the textbook complications of it are everything she's going through; eating disorders, depression, emotional issues, trouble with loved ones, etc.

 

I think she's healed a lot from it, but still has a long ways to go. She was having a lot of energy issues earlier in the year that turned out to 110% be depression related. She has trouble getting up in the morning and finding motivation to go to work sometimes. Sorry for the wall of text, just needed to vent about some of this this morning. 

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I think you should drop the topic for a while.

Sometimes one person sees their comments as supportive, but the receiver feels pressure.

She definitely sounds like she needs some help and to work on herself in a few areas. But! that's for her to figure out. Not you.

I'm not saying anything is wrong with the relationship but it is a red flag to see how she is reacting.

Everybody is loving and great in the good times. its the struggles and conflicts that show true colors.

She may have issues, but that's no excuse to treat you poorly.

Respect her boundaries but hold your own. When she is too harsh with you,  tell her not to speak to you like that. Its unacceptable. If she does it again.  Walk away. Do not reward poor behavior. 

You are not her parent. You are a partner. 

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Posted (edited)
On 4/24/2021 at 12:25 PM, Cheetarah said:

Maybe don’t try doing this together right now.  She may need to find her own method and yes, it’s discouraging when your weight loss partner is making strides and you’re not.  That’s not your fault.  She’s got to find what works for her.  It doesn’t seem this plan is her thing. 

Could not agree more.  Great advice.

I read your update and I am sorry for her struggles -and yours -and wish you both the best.  Your sidelines role is a great, mature, humble and caring idea.

Edited by Batya33
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Sorry, maybe I missed this somewhere, but why do you think she needs therapy for dieting? 
 

Is it possible she hasn’t found the right diet for her? Eating salads all day or restricting too severely can make your body actually stall in weight loss. There are lots of hidden sugars in salad dressing which could be another problem. When I had a baby I was trying to lose a few pounds afterwards. Nothing severe, but what helped me a lot was changing my overall way of eating vs. trying to lose quickly. Home cooked meals, no added sugars. Quality steaks and limiting carbs such as bread or pasta. Leafy greens, some fruits mainly berries. You don’t have to be unhappy and starving all day to see a difference. Make sure you get protein with each meal to make you feel fuller. Walking a few times a day. 

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I get the impression that she's jealous of your weight loss and she's not coping with a diet as well as you seem to be.  I could be wrong of course, but her defensive reaction seems to lean that way (imo).

I would say that you carry on with your diet and do the best you can for you and your own health.  Support her but don't "advise" her on what to do, how to do it, and what to eat or not eat etc, as it seems to backfire when you do.  She's responsible for her own health and weight loss issues.

I do think however if both of you could do some exercise together, walking, hiking, jogging, join a gym etc would be beneficial both for health/weight loss and for the relationship in general.

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23 hours ago, musicman777 said:

Thanks, this is ultimately what I am going to do is just support her from the sidelines. If she wants to eat healthy or cook, I'm always 100% happy to. But I'm not going to push it. And I always tell her how much I love her and now beautiful and sexy she is already, and her dieting or not is not going to change that. 🙂 Yes the food issues have nothing to do with me.

Good to hear from you, musicman! Honestly, she's blessed to have you as a boyfriend. 😊

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