Jump to content

Recommended Posts

My husband (32M) and I (29F) dated long distance for 2 years, and finally got married this past September during COVID. He is an Alberta native, and I a Virginia native. I know I love my husband, because there are things I do and sacrifices I’ve made that I wouldn’t do for anyone else! He makes me feel loved, sexy, and very comfortable. But... I have some reservations.

 

Within the past 8 months, I’ve moved from America to western Canada to be with my husband. He works in the oil sands, where his work schedule requires him to be away from me every other week for a whole week. So I technically see him every other week. The week that I’m home, I’m miserable and super depressed. As a natural extrovert, trying to assimilate into a new country during COVID has been hell. I know no one here and we’ve pretty much been on lockdown since I’ve been here. But despite this hardship, I try my best to keep busy & use that time to do things to make my husband’s life easier for when he returns. While he’s away, we speak on the phone maybe about 20 min a day, often in silence. I try to initiate conversation and talk about things, but he’s often times too tired to engage. 

 

When he returns for a week, he often times spends about ~two days to recover from work. Knowing this, I try not to nag or bother and just let him relax. The remaining five days are weird. We spend a lotttt of time with his parents, maybe 3 of the 7 days he’s in town. We also spend a good amount of time with his friends, where he claims it’s for me & to try to give me a sense of normalcy. We rarelyyyy have intellectual and stimulating conversations. He’s a slightly obese and has expressed a serious interest in losing weight, but doesn’t seem to want to eat healthy or workout. He doesn’t seem to know much about anything, so I don’t feel challenged or feel like he’s “teaching” me anything. I tend to usually remind him of things regarding his own stuff, or his parents’ stuff— and sometimes even do both parties’ stuff for them (i.e. filling out paperwork, making accounts on various platforms, etc.)When I try to talk to him about just random things, like you do with your friends, he tends to not seem interested and often times has an ADD moment & interrupts me to change the subject.  Sometimes I almost feel like a part-time mother, and not a full-time lover/friend/wife. 

 

I know most of you are probably wondering if I’ve ever brought up any of this to him, and for the most part, I feel like I’ve expressed most of the concerns mentioned. But when telling him how I feel, I can see his face changing and he instantly becomes devastated. He gets sad that “he can never do right by me”, and then I am full of regret and want to take back the moment I even opened my mouth. 

 

I don’t know, I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. It hurts cause I love him so much, but I almost don’t feel satisfied with my marriage and I’m a newlywed! How is it that someone SO NICE, SO CARING, SO LOVING can make me feel unhappy? Has anyone experienced anything similar, or feel like they have a piece of advice they can share with me? I cannot imagine my life without him, but I can see myself slowly deteriorating. I cry about this regularly and in secret, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear that. Can you have the marriage annulled and move back home?

You married someone you barely knew. Was this an arranged marriage? How did you meet?

You seem homesick and miserable.

You're picking on him and trying to fix and change him into what you want. 

You think he's stupid, you dislike his family and friends, so you need to ask yourself what you are doing there.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm only just curious, why was the relationship long distance and with someone in another country? Was it an online relationship? How long did you spend actually dating in person before you married? 

I think just love is not necessarily enough to make a long lasting relationship. You also need to have the same values, goals and beliefs I  life and be what each other is looking for. E.g. If you want a husband who has intellectual discussions, your husband needs to be someone like that to begin with. I was really in love with my last two ex's I was with for two years with both. But they were the wrong person for me. Just having the love feelings or thinking they're nice is not enough. 

It sounds like due to the long distance nature of the relationship you didn't truly know your husband. Now that you live with him you actually got to know the real him. Also someone can be the wrong person because their circumstances are wrong. As you said, you don't know anyone in Canada and he's gone every other week. Then when he's home he wants to spend half the time seeing family and friends. That leaves you on your own for very large periods of time. Even if your husband moved to America to live with you, is there a point having a husband if you never see him? To me it seems a marriage should be about companionship and actually living your life together.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m gonna follow along Tinydance’s line of “wrong circumstances”. Now, I’m not saying there’s no issue with the marriage or that it’s not possible you’ve married the wrong guy...however, let’s consider those last. Marriage is a serious, lifelong commitment that you chose to make, so everything else should be attempted and given a fair shot before you start considering ending a marriage.

You’re in a brand new country and you know no one. I didn’t see it implied anywhere that you have a job, and you’re locked down. Those alone are a recipe for depression and disaster, and I think you should focus on addressing those things before taking any action related to your marriage and your husband. If you want to be happy, you have to build yourself a life outside of your husband and your home. Especially when your husband works away every other week.

Where I am, there really aren’t any covid restrictions and we can do as we please, so forgive me if I don’t fully understand the extent of the lockdown...but what have you done, and what can you do, to build a life there? Once you’ve met some people, joined some groups, maybe found a job, etc. then you won’t need your husband to meet all those needs, and you can be more clear with him (and yourself) about what you do need from him.

Edited by indea08
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He can't make you happy. The only person who can ever make you happy is you yourself.

So, what are you doing to adjust to the new country, make friends, develop relationships, hobbies, interests that would make you feel happy and fulfilled? It sounds to me like your husband is trying as much as he can - introducing you to his family and friends. Yet you sound resentful about that. Why is that? These are the people to talk to, to befriend, to lean on when you feel lonely by yourself. Why are you resenting that instead of embracing that?

You say that you are an extrovert, but you don't come across as such. You actually sound kind of codependent where your entire focus and fixation is on your husband and wanting him to be your everything. Problem is that nobody can be your everything ever. You need lots of different people to meet different needs.

Of course moving countries is hard and there is a long and difficult time of adjustment  to the culture, to life there, to developing new friends and connections, finding a job you like, and so on. It is not easy. Even harder than ever with covid and lockdowns. At the same time, it is on you to roll up your sleeves and do it. Your husband can't do it for you. Millions of people around the world have embraced new hobbies, learned new things to keep stress and boredom at bay. You can too. 

He is your husband, not your Netflix/clown on call account. Also, you say that you love him so much, yet you don't have one good thing to say about him. That's a very strange kind of love.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, SleepySIK said:

We also spend a good amount of time with his friends, where he claims it’s for me & to try to give me a sense of normalcy. We rarelyyyy have intellectual and stimulating conversations. He’s a slightly obese and has expressed a serious interest in losing weight, but doesn’t seem to want to eat healthy or workout.

Yeah, don't expect guys to 'voice' a lot...

As for his weight problem, that is his issue to deal with. Not yours.

You two do need to learn to 'work together' more.. and maybe you should at least voice your opinion on how he spends his weeks off, like why do you/and him have to go spend so much time w/ his parents?

This is an adjustment for BOTH of you.. he has to give as little, as do you.

You won't get anywhere unless you talk to him about it.

 

7 hours ago, SleepySIK said:

He doesn’t seem to know much about anything, so I don’t feel challenged or feel like he’s “teaching” me anything.

Did you not know this guy at all?  And why is it he should be teaching you things?

7 hours ago, SleepySIK said:

How is it that someone SO NICE, SO CARING, SO LOVING can make me feel unhappy?

I say because YOU cannot accept these changes and rely on HIM too much.

This is you.. not all just on him.  You need to try hard to accept this change and adjust- but not lay into him about how 'miserable' you are 😕 .  Of course he feels like **** .

As for you, do you not have any hobbies? Can you go for walks? Maybe see about getting a pet to keep you company?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I want to know what you discussed beforehand about the arrangements -his work schedule, travel stuff etc.  My husband and I were long distance for part of our courtship and from the beginning the plan was that I'd relocate for his job if needed. (I had known my husband and dated him in the past for many years otherwise I'd have never done long distance.  Before we got married this is what I knew:  he traveled a lot for work.  we'd be relocating about 8 months after marriage, 800 miles away where neither of us knew anyone, for his job.  He still would travel a lot.  We were going to be parents a few months after marriage and he would resume traveling 2-3 days a week about two weeks after the birth.  I knew and accepted all of this.  I still had a hard time but I felt personally accountable -I agreed to this, knew it, accepted it.  Yes, when he told me he'd have to start traveling two weeks after the birth I cried -at a coffee shop - I was in my third trimester (he thought he'd made that clear earlier).

Own your situation unless it was a huge surprise. I agree -get out there and start meeting people.  Understand that travel is exhausting and communicate with him -not confront, not whining -about what you need.  See how that goes.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Was this an online relationship?  You two seem very different, and don't even seem to know one another.  

This is very manipulative: “he can never do right by me”    Has he attempted any change?

Visiting the parents 3 days out of the week is ridiculous.  I would suggest 1 day, that's it.  

 

 

Edited by Hollyj
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm embarking on a similar journey as the OP except I'm not the one moving.  But I am the one responsible for all expenses until she can work in this country.  Its a lot of responsibility.  I suspect your husband is feeling the weight of that as it sounds like you're not working.  I don't know how much time you've spent together as others have asked.  I know I haven't spent enough time with my fiancee yet because we're thousands of miles apart.  I'm not opposed to ending it if we don't get along after she gets here, but we only have 90 days to get married.  Annulment is a possibility too, as much as I hate to think about it.  I wonder if your situation was similar to mine, though I don't know what the laws are for becoming a Canadian citizen.  Tons of hoops to jump through here if you immigrate legally, as I'm finding out.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

During his first few days back at home, what is he doing to decompress? Sleeping a lot? Gaming? Are any of his friends female, or do his guy friends have girlfriends or wives that you're hanging out with? If you were in charge of the week he's home, how would the ideal week go? What would you be doing versus what he's been planning?

It usually takes 2 years to get used to a new place, and that's not even with COVID. Just realizing it's normal to be upset with a move, plus normal for all of us being isolated because of COVID, might make you feel a tad better that it might not just be because of a marriage that's bad. It could be that the marriage isn't right for you, but knowing what your answers are to some of the questions posed might give beneficial food for thought.

And if you're explaining your feelings, it's always best to bring up concrete examples of what you want improved instead of a general vagueness. What would vagueness be? I feel so alone and like you're not mentally present with me.

Concrete might be, if he spent every day gaming: I want Wednesdays and Fridays to be game-free nights. That'll be our date nights where we take a walk by the lake or come up with a new recipe to cook together, etc., etc.

When the lockdown lessens, you can look into groups for expatriates, or any hobby groups that might interest you. With him having a whole week off at a time, you could also look into and plan fun getaways, if you can afford a vacation. If you can take any classes online which would help you in a career in your locale, it's a good time to acquire continuing education.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

You may love him but it doesn’t sound like you like him. And love without like doesn’t last long. If there isn’t an intellectual connection or baseline friendship, it’s hard to feel connected beyond sex. And if you don’t find him physically attractive either, you’re in for some rough times. What made you marry this man and move to another country?

I hope he wasn’t some sort of escape from your own family, as you don’t mention them supporting you during this difficult time and you seem surprised by who he turned out to be. People don’t change unless they really want to, so you’ll have to decide how long you can put up with this. Sadly, you’ll either have to accept him as he is or move on. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

How much time did you actually spend together in person before committing to this marriage?

If you thrived long distance to the degree that you'd want to marry, why can't you thrive in the same manner when he's away?

What did your home in Virginia offer you that you cannot duplicate in your new home?

For instance, how much did lockdown play a role in maintaining your friends and family relationships online or over the phone, and can you duplicate any of that from your new home?

You are trying to assimilate with a stranger, and I'm sorry you're only learning now that he's not intellectually or emotionally fulfilling. There were likely gaps in your prior relationship that you helped to 'fill in' with your own mind.

The reality is different than you imagined, so I'd try to identify what those differences are, exactly, and what I believe that I can do to either fill those gaps with my own mind as I did before, OR, whether getting myself back to my home would resolve any of my unhappiness for me.

No matter how you slice it, you can't force reality to satisfy a fantasy. So decide whether this can be workable for you, or not.

Write more if it helps.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • 7 SIGNS YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE (Even If You Don’t Think So)! 😏
      7 SIGNS YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE (Even If You Don’t Think So)! 😏 // Do you ever feel like you aren’t attractive? If yes, then you are totally normal! However, it’s time for you to know the truth. Once you learn the signs you are an attractive man and the signs you are attractive to women, your life will never be the same. This is about more than how to look good or how to attract women. These signs help you see why you actually can attract women in a way that makes them want a relationship with you! EVEN if you sometimes feel that’s impossible. Ready to learn how to know if you’re attractive and the signs you’re attractive? Let’s dive into 7 Signs You Are Attractive (EVEN If You Don’t Think So)!

       
      • 0 replies
    • The Social Minimalist | Can we be Happy without Friends?
      A minimalist lifestyle concerns itself with minimizing the number of material resources we need to be satisfied. A tremendous benefit of this approach is the reduced cost of living. The less we need, the more time, money, and energy we save. So, can we also apply minimalism to our social connections to gain the same benefits? Can we be happy with a minimal amount of friends, or even without friends? This video explores the benefits and downsides of friendship, the current state of friendships, and if we actually need friends.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Secret Habits Smart People Do Every Day
      Do you find yourself more productive in the morning or at night? Did you know that smart people tailor their work routine to whether they are a night owl or a morning bird?

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Big Warning Signs You Should Be Worried She's Not Serious About You!
      5 Big Warning Signs You Should Be Worried She's Not Serious About You!... In this dating advice video, I will be sharing with you five big warning signs you should be worried she’s not serious about you. The signs she’s not serious about you can be seen on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these big warning signs in dating and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "Omg… I got my ex back with THIS text message!"
      Use these texts to get your ex back! In this video, I explain how one of my breakup coaching clients used a few specific text messages to get back with their ex. Learn WHEN to text your ex, WHAT to text your ex, and HOW to safely and effectively use my text message templates to get your ex back and stay together for good. Basically, this video covers exactly how to text your ex back into your arms....

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...