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Hello, I’m not sure who will see this as it’s my first time using this website (hope I’m posting this right), but I feel like I need an outside perspective on this. This may be long as I want to minimize the amount of unknown information to make this non one sided or biased. 
 

The main issue: my online boyfriend (age20) gets very moody when I (21) am not in the mood to do any sexual activity. 
 

context: we have been together for about a year now and since 2021 started I’ve noticed this issue coming up a lot. When he’s in the mood for sex (this is an online relationship so I’m talking about phone sex) and I’m not it’s like a switch goes off; he’ll become quiet and give me “yeah” “ok” type answers, gives me attitude, we’ll sit there for an hour saying nothing to each other,  he used to even just leave the call saying he has something else to do. I’ve addressed this to him a few times and each time it’s a different answer: “when you say you’re not in the mood I think you mean you’re not in the mood for anything” “it’s an issue with the way I interpret things that I’m trying to work on” and something about how he used to behave in the past. Now I accept these answers but I’m seeing no improvement. I’ve also noticed that sometimes when he’s in the mood, it’s the only thing he’ll bring up; he’ll be distracted by something else (Netflix/video games) and every few minutes say “what you saying?” (That’s basically our way of asking if the other wants to have sex), he’ll ignore my comments, won’t make any conversation, just go back to his show then randomly ask again until I say yes or until he realizes he can’t convince me. Just tonight he did this all again. Gave me attitude and everything, I left the facetime only for him to call back later, still being quiet and giving “yeah” “ok” answers to me.  It’s like this every single time, to the point where sometimes I just go along with it to save myself the headache. There will be times where we won’t have sex for max 2 weeks, and during those days he’s constantly moody.
 

background information: we started off with a “friends with benefits” type of relationship. We would have sex everyday (no exaggeration) even once we started getting more serious, it was still an everyday thing. We were very rocky however during that point in our relationship; he was emotionally unavailable for a while and I was coming on to him very strong. So reading this it’s understandable to think “maybe I’m the one who’s changed and he’s not used to this.” My sex drive hasn’t necessarily changed, I’m just less infatuated and more in love, I enjoy a different type of intimacy now, the emotional kind. Before I would be ok with doing that everyday because my infatuation for him was strong and I would be fine doing anything so long as it was with him. Another thing I should mention is that I suffer from diagnosed Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder, so my mood and energy levels are never consistent. There’s times where I am in The mood to do that everyday and times where I don’t want to for weeks. Before he knew me he was a player; his relationship with women didn’t go past having sex (in person not online). He wasn’t serious about finding someone, and still strung up on his ex. He told me when he met me however, he was trying to move on from that lifestyle and settle down. 


Thank you to whoever took the time to read all of this. I think that’s everything (hoping I didn’t miss anything). Actually while writing that I thought maybe I should mention: we’re pretty serious, we talk about our future, we plan to visit each other once COVID isn’t a thing, I’ve met his friends/mom and he’s met mine. Despite all of this though, I don’t know what to do. In all honesty it makes me feel like ***. Like when I don’t want to have sex then there’s no point in conversation or anything anymore.. it hurts me a lot and he knows this, which makes it worse. I’m hoping that someone can at least help me understand more about his mindset or why he does this. Maybe I’m not seeing something..

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You need to shut this down. You're not a sex worker or sexcam provider.

Date real life local men in person.

You don't really know him. He could be catfishing scamming, selling your activities to pornhub, married/living with someone,etc.

talk to a trusted adult about this mess you've gotten into. But start with deleting and blocking him from all your social media and messaging apps.

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Your so called boyfriend is nothing more than an entitled misogynist. He doesn't see you or women at large as human beings but more just as a convenient appliance, be it for sex or cleaning the house. When you don't behave like a good little compliant appliance, he punishes you and otherwise manipulates you.

When a guy acts like that, you don't try to please him or figure it out, you dump him with extreme prejudice. Raise your standards and expect better and don't fall for any begging and promises of better he might do. Reeling you back into compliance and service is not to be confused with actually caring about you. He cares about himself and only himself.

Of course that does leave you feeling like garbage and if you continue with him, you will increasingly feel worse and worse as he will continue to treat you like dirt and erode your self esteem.

When a guy doesn't treat you right, you need to drop kick him out of your life. Who cares what "serious" bs he is talking about some future. You are living your future right now - an entitled loser treating you like a sex toy on demand. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Don't listen to future talk, learn to pay attention to right here and now. He makes you feel like garbage, that's your clue to dump him and find better for yourself.

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You've outgrown him. It used to be a physical connection and you started out on the same page but not anymore. I think you are both in denial. 

He's in an alternate reality from you, believing he is someone else (a boyfriend perhaps). And you think of him as a boyfriend but he's not. 

What he is happens to be a shallow and one-sided figure who appears quite stunted emotionally or perhaps suffering from his own type of mental health issues. 

The most you can do is communicate but after this, I think you should examine whether this is fulfilling to you long term. 

I'd avoid feeding yourself any lies about what he is. It's easy to link family ties also with background history you know of someone in order to support whether the other person is genuine or not. 

All very painful. I hope you seek truth above all and find your own path. I don't think this guy sounds like a good choice. He seems disrespectful. 

 

 

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9 hours ago, AnonAccount said:

When he’s in the mood for sex (this is an online relationship so I’m talking about phone sex) and I’m not it’s like a switch goes off;

This kinda thing.. is soooo not easy 😕 

Like how 'good' can it be when there's NO contact.. no closeness, nothing real..?

9 hours ago, AnonAccount said:

. I’ve also noticed that sometimes when he’s in the mood, it’s the only thing he’ll bring up; he’ll be distracted by something else (Netflix/video games) and every few minutes say “what you saying?”

When you two are 'communicating', his focus should be just on YOU.  Are you two maybe doing this 'talk' too often? To where he's kinda bored? 😕 .

Need to make that time special.  No.. yah, okay.. borrrred.

9 hours ago, AnonAccount said:

Before he knew me he was a player; his relationship with women didn’t go past having sex (in person not online). He wasn’t serious about finding someone, and still strung up on his ex.

Just how long was this, before you came along?

 

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Your "bf" is a manipulative jerk!   Why have you tolerated this nonsense? 

Why haven't you developed a local relationship with someone you can actually interact with?  Your "relationship" is one of fantasy.  

Are you attending therapy?  He is the worst person to choose if you have mental health issues.  

Time for this to end.  He does not respect or value you.  He is awful!

Edited by Hollyj
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"I’ve also noticed that sometimes when he’s in the mood, it’s the only thing he’ll bring up; he’ll be distracted by something else (Netflix/video games) and every few minutes say “what you saying?"

 

He doesn't even listen to you.   What do you get from this relationship?

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Have you actually met him in person?

How could you have met people in his family when this is an online only situation?

Are you being treated for your mental health conditions?

This kind of online situation isn't going to improve your mental health. I would suggest it's making it worse. 

Focus on managing your mental health. Then you'll be ready for an actual in person relationship.

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This is a fantasy thing that's 100% voluntary yet isn't working out.

It's also mostly based in your own mind.

So, why not trade this for another fantasy guy who's better at meeting YOUR standards?

Or, maybe it's time to trade the fantasy thing altogether for a real-life BF?

Edited by catfeeder
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