Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Once again I will apologize because this might potentially become another long post

It might help to read my first post if you'd like, just have some context. But if you don't that's okay. I still don't know how this site works btw

 

This is kind of an update for my first post. Since breaking up with my boyfriend we've been trying to talk things out and working through our issues with the goal of getting back together. As I've mentioned before I broke up with him in February just a week shy of our 2 year anniversary. And since then we've been trying to work things out. 

 

Well, last week things weren't going well, he hung up our phone call and usually I would call back, but sadly I knew he wouldn't answer or even worse, turn off his phone, because it's happened many many times. This time, I didn't call or text him back, I just admittedly left the phone alone and cried. I went to my mother because I really needed comfort and support and tried to get some sleep.

 

The next day, we didn't speak at all. I was pretty much prepared to never hear from him again even though it would hurt. But then that night, he sent me a goodbye text. It was a paragraph thanking me for everything and for the good times and laughs and all. He stated that he wanted to make things work but unfortunate it isn't. We talked for a while before supposedly saying our final goodbye.

 

I say supposedly, because he ended up messaging me early the next morning. I was already preparing myself to endure the journey of letting him go, and his goodbye text didn't help, neither did him texting me the next morning. I was admittedly kind of glad he texted but at the same time I was just not able to endure more pain. Basically, he said he couldn't get me out of his system. He couldn't stand not texting me at all. He said he wanted to come see me but isn't sure if it was a good idea.

 

Well... he ended up coming over. We had sex, and then talked about things. And once again, we decided to try again. Fast forward to right now, he got upset because I have my guard up and that I "keep talking about the same thing over and over again." I was trying to explain why it's hard for me me to let my guard down (again my very first post will definitely explain a lot) He told me that I don't have to constantly remind him of how he ***ed up and that it would be easier for me to see how much he's willing to make things right if I wasn't so guarded or judging everything he does or says (I personally didn't feel like that's what I was doing but I'm sure I can't be upset if that's how he feels, and I've reassured him that wasn't what I intentionally wanted to do)

 

I have anxiety and depression, our whole situation has definitely made things worse for me. He has stated that my "condition" shouldn't give me a free pass to overreact over the smallest things, and that I shield myself with it and it causes limitations within myself. I told him it wasn't something I can easily control, and he said exactly this 

 

"So then it's easier to just not do it and let it keep hurting us got it"

 

I never said I didn't want to do it, I told him I'm trying my best and that our situation isn't making things any easier. He was upset, and I didn't understand why. I asked him and he said he was conditioned to do so, and I'm thinking he meant because we keep talking about things and he states that it goes on for a long time and he gets burnt out easily. But I'm confused, because he asked if I wanted to talk about things and I said that I wasn't sure if he also wanted to do so, to which he told me that he wants me to be myself, so I went ahead and talked. And then he just ends up getting upset?

 

He said that it's not that I talk about it, it's that I start by assuming he forgot about what happened or what's been said, and also that I tend to keep talking about the same thing. He told me to try something differently, and I'm not exactly sure how to voice out my concerns differently. I thought I have but apparently not. The conversation ended with him saying he needs to go, that he's not understanding anything right now and we'll talk later.

I'm really confused... it doesn't feel good that he got upset when I was trying to explain to him why I'm so "guarded." He says that I assume he forgot what happened but I think that's because I've been feeling like he is demanding I let my guard down or showing him affection as if he didn't lose my trust. I don't really know what I should do... I don't know how else I can communicate with him effectively and explain that I was prepared to try to let him go but then we're back again, and I just can't endure more pain so I want to make sure this won't end badly again.

 

But am I making things difficult? Should I just dial back on talking things out constantly and go with the flow? Should I try harder to let my guard down and do my best to keep an optimistic mindset? 

To anyone who read through this whole thing, thank you. And I really hope you are doing way better than me right now. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

How come you have to do all of the "changing"? Is he perfect or something?

He isn't acting like someone who loves you.

I can promise, trying to get him to love you again is going to make your anxiety and depression worse.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Blackwaterlily said:

Well, last week things weren't going well, he hung up our phone call and usually I would call back, but sadly I knew he wouldn't answer or even worse, turn off his phone, because it's happened many many times.

- Could this add to all of your problems?  Like his reaction and inability to actually deal with communications? ( so his solution is to totally cut you off?) 

1 hour ago, Blackwaterlily said:

But then that night, he sent me a goodbye text. It was a paragraph thanking me for everything and for the good times and laughs and all. He stated that he wanted to make things work but unfortunate it isn't.

- Yup, sounds like it....

 

1 hour ago, Blackwaterlily said:

I told him I'm trying my best and that our situation isn't making things any easier. He was upset, and I didn't understand why. I asked him and he said he was conditioned to do so, and I'm thinking he meant because we keep talking about things and he states that it goes on for a long time and he gets burnt out easily.

- I feel you two are at your wits end, that you have exhausted this relationship and due to your many issue's, just can't get it to work - ( Is often the case, when what's caused the issue's of the break up are still there - not been dealt with).

 

1 hour ago, Blackwaterlily said:

But am I making things difficult? Should I just dial back on talking things out constantly and go with the flow? Should I try harder to let my guard down and do my best to keep an optimistic mindset? 

- I think these are the issue's.... Do you feel like you're getting nowhere?

And as for you trying to let your guard down and to keep an optimistic mindset, that is just faking it or doing something that you really can't... true?

 

Yeah, I don't see this working with you two.. He seems impossible to deal with... you two keep going at each other & seem nothing but frustrated 😕 .

Incompatible.

So, how about YOU say enough, find that inner strength and just say, Yes, things are just too much - not working and agree, with his agree to go your separate ways...

Relationships take work, communication, respect, and energy!

Takes a lot to have it all work out okay.  If it;s not there, it gets too hard & too many stressors...right?

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

This sounds awful.  He sounds very manipulative.  What is he doing about his porn addiction?

This is not good for your mental health.  You need to cut him out completely!

Edited by Hollyj
Link to post
Share on other sites
54 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

This sounds awful.  He sounds very manipulative.  What is he doing about his porn addiction?

This is not good for your mental health.  You need to cut him out completely!

What makes me sad is that everyone who I've spoken to about this had said the same thing, but somehow it's very difficult for me to do so. I've always thought myself to be the type of person to immediately walk away and not look back if something like this happens as I am very big on loyalty, but it appears that is not the case, and I don't know why.

As for his addiction, as far as I'm concerned he is withholding himself from anything sexual.. apart from us having sex that day I suppose. And he did go to therapy but from what I gathered, he stopped.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

How come you have to do all of the "changing"? Is he perfect or something?

He isn't acting like someone who loves you.

I can promise, trying to get him to love you again is going to make your anxiety and depression worse.

He claims to already be willing to change but that I am too guarded to realize that and put in the work myself... and I also agree... I am now getting headaches every day as well and cold rushes and hot flashes. I wish I had the strength to do what's right for myself but I don't know why it's so difficult. I'm too stuck on what could be and not on what is, and despite everything I still hold on to hope.

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 minutes ago, Blackwaterlily said:

What makes me sad is that everyone who I've spoken to about this had said the same thing, but somehow it's very difficult for me to do so. I've always thought myself to be the type of person to immediately walk away and not look back if something like this happens as I am very big on loyalty, but it appears that is not the case, and I don't know why.

As for his addiction, as far as I'm concerned he is withholding himself from anything sexual.. apart from us having sex that day I suppose. And he did go to therapy but from what I gathered, he stopped.

he broke his word to you, and you guys are right back where you started.  Nothing will get better.  This is who he is.

 

Have you considered therapy?

 

Edited by Hollyj
Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, Blackwaterlily said:

He claims to already be willing to change but that I am too guarded to realize that and put in the work myself... and I also agree... I am now getting headaches every day as well and cold rushes and hot flashes. I wish I had the strength to do what's right for myself but I don't know why it's so difficult. I'm too stuck on what could be and not on what is, and despite everything I still hold on to hope.

How many years do you want to waste on "hope"?  Ten?  Thirty? Fifty?

How many years do you want to spend feeling unwell?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Hollyj said:

he broke his word to you, and you guys are right back where you started.  Nothing will get better.  This is who he is.

 

Have you considered therapy?

 

Yes I have, in fact I've been to many therapists every since I was in high school. I'm currently seeing a therapist in training, as it is a free service because I don't have much money but I am in the process of finding an actual professional hopefully soon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How many years do you want to waste on "hope"?  Ten?  Thirty? Fifty?

How many years do you want to spend feeling unwell?

You are right...I don't really want that for myself, i just need to muster up the strength to say when enough is enough.

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

- Could this add to all of your problems?  Like his reaction and inability to actually deal with communications? ( so his solution is to totally cut you off?) 

- Yup, sounds like it....

 

- I feel you two are at your wits end, that you have exhausted this relationship and due to your many issue's, just can't get it to work - ( Is often the case, when what's caused the issue's of the break up are still there - not been dealt with).

 

- I think these are the issue's.... Do you feel like you're getting nowhere?

And as for you trying to let your guard down and to keep an optimistic mindset, that is just faking it or doing something that you really can't... true?

 

Yeah, I don't see this working with you two.. He seems impossible to deal with... you two keep going at each other & seem nothing but frustrated 😕 .

Incompatible.

So, how about YOU say enough, find that inner strength and just say, Yes, things are just too much - not working and agree, with his agree to go your separate ways...

Relationships take work, communication, respect, and energy!

Takes a lot to have it all work out okay.  If it;s not there, it gets too hard & too many stressors...right?

 

His solution more often that not was to just walk away, he has mentioned before that he is the type of person to want some time to process things before we continue with the conversation. I will admit that during our relationship I didn't allow that to happen most of the time which was my mistake.

And now, it seems like every time we hit a wall he just wants to stop working all together, and I should've agreed and left the first time but we both always come back.

I personally don't want to keep stressing myself with talking about things all the time but they do bother me, and I can't get over something if I don't voice them out. But it is difficult when he gets frustrated easily.

I keep telling myself that it'll work out but another part of me thinks I should say enough is enough. Unfortunately the less ideal side is overpowering the right thing to do. I'm too stuck in this, when I leave I want to come back and when I come back I want to leave. And then there's something in between all that, that holds the love I still have for him despite being treated horribly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think all of us have a built-in inner romantic and hopeful side, slightly heroic and a little stupid because we forget the realities of life. Optimism is supposed to be revered and we watch movies about the person in the jungle who's optimistic and survives eating leaves and bugs, drinking his own pee and waving his arms to the world. We look up to optimism and faith as if it's the holy grail of achievements. Sometimes it helps and it can take is out of a bad mood or lift our spirits. 

What you're asking though seems to be very different.. it's overlooking some characteristics in a person that you have tried but just cannot. There is such as thing as limits. I learned this too. 

We all have limits and perhaps you have reached yours. 

It's not to say that there's no place in optimism. We can still have optimism in other things - in a new day, in making better lifestyle choices, in sleeping earlier, eating healthier, exercising more, being curious about our surroundings.

Try not to misplace that optimism for life for a situation that has maxed its limits in hope or understanding. You aren't a bad person for walking away from this. Do what's right for you.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Blackwaterlily said:

He claims to already be willing to change but that I am too guarded to realize that and put in the work myself... and I also agree... I am now getting headaches every day as well and cold rushes and hot flashes. I wish I had the strength to do what's right for myself but I don't know why it's so difficult. I'm too stuck on what could be and not on what is, and despite everything I still hold on to hope.

This was hard to read because it reminds me of my previous life, leaving a relationship. I'm sorry this is happening. I think a lot of it is denial and shock. Maybe you need more time and a lot more support from close friends and family. I know I wouldn't have been able to do it without that support. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Blackwaterlily said:

Yes I have, in fact I've been to many therapists every since I was in high school. I'm currently seeing a therapist in training, as it is a free service because I don't have much money but I am in the process of finding an actual professional hopefully soon.

Go to a physician. Insurance covers that. Also, for this extent of depression and anxiety, a complete evaluation would be best.

Stay away from addicts,creeps and other types of people who make your problems worse.

Stop talking to him and trying to fix him. It's not an appropriate distraction from fixing yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Blackwaterlily said:

I don't know how else I can communicate with him effectively

You can't. He's made that impossible. He just wants you to shut up and do what he wants you to do. Any other behavior from you is met with hostility. 

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I can promise, trying to get him to love you again is going to make your anxiety and depression worse.

I agree. Making him happy is going to be a constantly moving target because it makes him happy to keep you on your toes. You are being soooooooo manipulated. This is not a good guy. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

He is not going to suddenly say you've finally done everything right and he now loves you again. His whole point is to keep you upset and scrambling to try to please him.

You can end this, you're just choosing not to. 

And no, I didn't say it will be "easy". Nothing worthwhile is easy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It makes no sense to view the person who has hurt you as the one who can behave as your therapist in working it through.

BF will just view continual discussion of the problem as accusatory, so he'll get defensive, and NObody is open to resolving anything while defensive.

You'll just keep viewing his unwillingness to play therapist it as mean, so you'll just keep amplifying your own hurt--even while you're assigning a therapeutic role to the wrong person.

So why not put this on ice and go seek your own REAL therapy to learn where YOU will eventually stand on viewing BF's past behaviors? From there, you'll decide whether this is something you can get past, or not. If not, you'll stop spinning your wheels and wasting your time in unproductive conversations with BF.

Love is not enough. Some people can compromise with the ideals of another, and some cannot. Other people are best loved from far away.

Get clarity about where YOU stand first, and then, if you want to try reconciling with BF, you can do so without unrealistic expectations that he will want to keep rehashing the past, and you can start a NEW relationship together.

Otherwise, you're just stagnating in a limbo hell of your own making, and why opt for that?

Head high.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...