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28 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

you’re saying you think I should tell him everything regardless?

No, I said you should tell your boyfriend you have doubts about the relationship. 

Do you want to give him a chance to try to make things better? Or are you just wanting out?

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Just now, boltnrun said:

No, I said you should tell your boyfriend you have doubts about the relationship. 

Do you want to give him a chance to try to make things better? Or are you just wanting out?

Oh ok, gotcha. I thought I wanted to make it work. But after this situation and these comments, I’m not 100% sure that I don’t just want out. I have a lot to think about. thanks for the help

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There are way too many red flags in this picture. 

You seem vulnerable and easily taken by another man so I have to wonder just how bad is it in your current relationship. Keep in mind that emotional abuse is still abuse. If your boyfriend gaslights you, manipulates you, has lied to you in the past or you can't trust him, you might as well put a cork in this and walk away. 

Don't fall for the nonsense of this new guy either. He's just buttering you up because he needs a distraction for his other issues (baby drama). I hope you are not taking his comments or feelings about you seriously. 

Pay more attention to your relationship and whether it's right for you. I wouldn't say anything to your partner at all, zero, if he's abusive to you or has manipulated you in the past. Given how elastic the boundaries between yourself and your friends, I also have to wonder if your boyfriend has problems with boundaries or has cheated on you in the past.

 

 

 

 

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21 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You seem vulnerable and easily taken by another man so I have to wonder just how bad is it in your current relationship. Keep in mind that emotional abuse is still abuse. If your boyfriend gaslights you, manipulates you, has lied to you in the past or you can't trust him, you might as well put a cork in this and walk away. 
 

he doesn’t do any of that, which is why the situation is so messed up. Of course we have our fights where I feel like he’s in the wrong in a bad way, and maaaaybe a little gaslighty, but he’s not an abuser. 

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Pay more attention to your relationship and whether it's right for you. I wouldn't say anything to your partner at all, zero, if he's abusive to you or has manipulated you in the past. Given how elastic the boundaries between yourself and your friends, I also have to wonder if your boyfriend has problems with boundaries or has cheated on you in the past.

He has no problems with boundaries and has never given me any issues. I will say there was one time not too long ago when a mutual friend confessed to me that he had been unfaithful with her and he may have been unfaithful with other girls. I decided to ignore it because knowing how he is, it made zero sense and she had no proof. Of course I wonder about it from time to time, but I made the decision to believe him so it wouldn’t be fair to hold that against him or use it to justify my actions.

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Well, first of all, you don't actually have to feel guilty if you are falling out of love with your boyfriend. That's something you can't actually help because you can't help your feelings. You've been together since you were teenagers. In your 20's you change a lot and often begin to see things very differently. What you liked as a teenager, e.g. your boyfriend, you may now not like. That's why these days people often get married in their late 20's and 30's. Because at that age they have a much better idea of what they really want and who the right person is for them.

What I would like to point out though is that the fireworks and butterflies feeling, the honeymoon, does wear off in any relationship after a year or two. The rest of the relationship becomes more like a very close friendship and is largely an emotional bond. After ten years it's understandable it's not all lust and animal passion. 

My best friend has been with her husband for 13 years. I remember when she first met him, she was so infatuated with him and she talked about him constantly. She said the sex was amazing and he was such a hottie, etc. Now 13 years later she's saying the marriage has become stale, she's bored, yada yada. I mean yeah that may be the case. But if she found a different guy, after 5-10 years it might be the same story. You can't just keep chasing the dragon all your life trying to find that "butterflies" feeling with a new guy.

I would guess that you're not really into your boyfriend anymore and this new guy is just a sign of that. You don't know him much at all to know if he's a great person or the right person for you. The butterflies and heart pounding you feel most likely is lust. It's a crush. Real love is not instant, it actually takes time. 

Also you need to think about whether this new guy is what you really want on a practical level. He has a child/kids. He's a father. He's having dramas with the child(ren)'s mother. Obviously he has a lot of responsibility towards his children. Sounds like he has his hands pretty full.

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39 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, first of all, you don't actually have to feel guilty if you are falling out of love with your boyfriend. That's something you can't actually help because you can't help your feelings. You've been together since you were teenagers. In your 20's you change a lot and often begin to see things very differently. What you liked as a teenager, e.g. your boyfriend, you may now not like. That's why these days people often get married in their late 20's and 30's. Because at that age they have a much better idea of what they really want and who the right person is for them.

What I would like to point out though is that the fireworks and butterflies feeling, the honeymoon, does wear off in any relationship after a year or two. The rest of the relationship becomes more like a very close friendship and is largely an emotional bond. After ten years it's understandable it's not all lust and animal passion. 

My best friend has been with her husband for 13 years. I remember when she first met him, she was so infatuated with him and she talked about him constantly. She said the sex was amazing and he was such a hottie, etc. Now 13 years later she's saying the marriage has become stale, she's bored, yada yada. I mean yeah that may be the case. But if she found a different guy, after 5-10 years it might be the same story. You can't just keep chasing the dragon all your life trying to find that "butterflies" feeling with a new guy.

I would guess that you're not really into your boyfriend anymore and this new guy is just a sign of that. You don't know him much at all to know if he's a great person or the right person for you. The butterflies and heart pounding you feel most likely is lust. It's a crush. Real love is not instant, it actually takes time. 

Also you need to think about whether this new guy is what you really want on a practical level. He has a child/kids. He's a father. He's having dramas with the child(ren)'s mother. Obviously he has a lot of responsibility towards his children. Sounds like he has his hands pretty full.

Thanks for answering. I see exactly what you’re saying. When I wrote this post, my judgement was definitely clouded by infatuation more than reality. As the day has passed and I’ve read everyone’s input, I’ve put the guy more in the back of my mind and thought about just me and my relationship.
 

i think I’m going to break things off and be by myself for a while. After all, I haven’t been alone for my entire adult life so far. If it’s meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other. If it’s not, it’s not the end of the world and he’ll find someone he deserves. I’m just so not looking forward to breaking his heart. 

thanks again 

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31 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

Thanks for answering. I see exactly what you’re saying. When I wrote this post, my judgement was definitely clouded by infatuation more than reality. As the day has passed and I’ve read everyone’s input, I’ve put the guy more in the back of my mind and thought about just me and my relationship.
 

i think I’m going to break things off and be by myself for a while. After all, I haven’t been alone for my entire adult life so far. If it’s meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other. If it’s not, it’s not the end of the world and he’ll find someone he deserves. I’m just so not looking forward to breaking his heart. 

thanks again 

I’m incredibly impressed with how you’ve conducted yourself throughout this thread. I wish you all the best. Life can be tough, but we live and we learn.

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Wow. Hold it right there.

9 hours ago, leaveornottoleave said:

He has no problems with boundaries and has never given me any issues. I will say there was one time not too long ago when a mutual friend confessed to me that he had been unfaithful with her and he may have been unfaithful with other girls. I decided to ignore it because knowing how he is, it made zero sense and she had no proof

That's in itself a big red flag. And you're still with that man?

I'm glad you are deciding to take time for yourself. It won't be easy, but you'll grow so much out of it. You deserve to be happy by yourself and with someone that complements you.

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6 hours ago, leaveornottoleave said:

i think I’m going to break things off and be by myself for a while. After all, I haven’t been alone for my entire adult life so far. If it’s meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other. If it’s not, it’s not the end of the world and he’ll find someone he deserves. I’m just so not looking forward to breaking his heart. 

Wouldn't breaking up with your boyfriend be a bit premature? Perhaps you could explain to him the things that you are unhappy about in the relationship and at least give him a chance to make you happy. As you've said, for him everything is hunky-dory, so he is not even aware that you are unhappy. Don't you think that your boyfriend also has a say in your relationship? He has to at least be given a chance to make you happy.

Like in a soccer game, if a player makes mistakes against the rules, the arbiter gives him two warning yellow cards, before the third one that is red and the player has to leave the game. No one gives straight away a red card.

Communicate with your boyfriend. After all, no matter how well meaning and wise the community here is, we are just a bunch of strangers on the internet. We do not know your relationship, save for several posts that you have written, and our advice is given through the lenses of our own life experiences, that are different to yours.

It amazes me how difficult open and honest communication seems to be for people these days. Often, not just OP, find it easier to take pre-emptive strikes, cheat, break up, instead of as a first step just verbalize how they have been feeling about a particular issue. 

 

 

 

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7 hours ago, leaveornottoleave said:

I  thinkI’m going to break things off and be by myself for a while. After all, I haven’t been alone for my entire adult life so far.

This seems like the best option. You've been together way too long and started way too young.

After 10 years, you know each other. You know what's working and what isn't.

I disagree with talking to him and trying to fix and change him into what you want.

This fling is a symptom of systematic incompatibilities, even if you both have been coasting along complacently for 10 years.

If you end it, he may be relieved as well. Since this situation has gone nowhere in 10 years, he doesn't seem to be in with both feet either.

The other advantage of simply ending it is that it spares both of you the drama of admitting to this fling or using that as the reason for the break-up.

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4 hours ago, East4 said:

Wouldn't breaking up with your boyfriend be a bit premature? Perhaps you could explain to him the things that you are unhappy about in the relationship and at least give him a chance to make you happy. As you've said, for him everything is hunky-dory, so he is not even aware that you are unhappy. Don't you think that your boyfriend also has a say in your relationship? He has to at least be given a chance to make you happy.

Like in a soccer game, if a player makes mistakes against the rules, the arbiter gives him two warning yellow cards, before the third one that is red and the player has to leave the game. No one gives straight away a red card.

Communicate with your boyfriend. After all, no matter how well meaning and wise the community here is, we are just a bunch of strangers on the internet. We do not know your relationship, save for several posts that you have written, and our advice is given through the lenses of our own life experiences, that are different to yours.

It amazes me how difficult open and honest communication seems to be for people these days. Often, not just OP, find it easier to take pre-emptive strikes, cheat, break up, instead of as a first step just verbalize how they have been feeling about a particular issue. 

 

 

 

I hear you, but there’s a lot of other feelings and context involved that wasn’t relevant to why I made this post that I’m taking into account. Being honest with myself now, the idea of breaking up has crossed my mind a lot more than I wanted to admit. I won’t just say see ya and dip out, we’ll talk. But I really think it’s for the best to be alone for a while

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12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

You can't just keep chasing the dragon all your life trying to find that "butterflies" feeling with a new guy.

Hmm well you can if you want.

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On 4/22/2021 at 8:15 AM, leaveornottoleave said:

Alright sorry for the novel but here’s the situation: I’ve been with my bf since high school, almost 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, our relationship isn’t perfect, and we’ve almost broken up a few times, but I love him very much and I’ve always pictured him in my future.

Last week I was invited on a trip with my best friend and her husband and her husband’s best friend. We met only a couple of times before, but the best friend and I vibed pretty well, a little too well. He ended up pouring his heart out, confessing how much he likes me, and trying to kiss me. Now usually I would tell my boyfriend about an incident like that, but here’s the problem: I really ***in like this guy too. He’s all I’ve been able to think about since we got back. His words were so affectionate and genuine to me when he was telling me how he felt, which is one of the issues I’ve always had with my boyfriend. I had to lay my head down on his shoulder to sleep on the plane, and it felt so right

i feel like *** because I can’t stop thinking about him, and my boyfriend is so happy to have me back and has no idea. He’s been working on a lot of issues and we have a good relationship, he doesn’t hit me or put me down. I think about all his good qualities, we have so much in common, and the fact that I could put almost 10 years of my life into someone and still break up scares the hell out of me. But every so often I worry that I’m settling. I feel like we’ve plateaued and i think about all the things about him that I’m not a fan of. I think about this other guy and my heart starts to pound. Being around him just felt so right and I could really picture us together and our future. 

i asked my friend and her husband for insight and they basically said he’s a great guy but has a lot of baggage (I have no idea what that entails), and drama (baby mama issues) and it could be tough, but he’s a great guy and would be good to me. But I’m so scared. I don’t want to risk a 10 year relationship just to be ***ed around or regret it in the long run. My boyfriend is really my best friend, I don’t want to lose that for nothing. 

Does anyone have any insight on leaving a long term relationship for someone else? How should I go forward from here, or make a decision? this could be the best decision or worst mistake of my life. 

As a seasoned grey bearded 47 yo, the love bug will always fade. There is something deep within our minds that desires that risk, that danger, but guaranteed to fade. 

I'm gonna suggest some adventuring with that trusted BF of yours, and work on spicing up your life, work it out, or you will be quoting that old guy that posted advice on a forum.😉

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I think you are on the right track when you say that you do need to spend some time just solo.

All the time your peers were out dating around and sorting out who they are and what they want, you were in a relationship. So in effect you skipped out on all that. However, I think that is now catching up to you hard and fast. It's not wrong, just delayed.

Also, just because you've spent 10 years with someone who might not be all that right for you, doesn't mean you should invest another 20 into that. Especially when you met as teens and really don't know what all is out there and haven't experienced enough to know. Even if you continue, there will always be this question mark in your mind eating away at you, especially at times when life gets difficult. I personally think that everyone needs to sow some wild oats to learn what's what and thus be more certain of their life partner choices.

Kind of like you need to actually taste some different flavors of ice cream to be certain of your favorite one and become committed to that alone. If all you ever had was vanilla....that caramel fudge will at some point become an irresistible temptation just because you are bored with vanilla and this new flavor is exotic in your mind. Unfortunately, unlike ice cream, cheating will wreck your life and your marriage/family/relationship. So go live solo, sort out who you are as an adult, date a bit and be more sure of your choices. See more life first.

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5 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

If all you ever had was vanilla....that caramel fudge will at some point become an irresistible temptation just because you are bored with vanilla and this new flavor is exotic in your mind. 

All you ever had is vanilla and you are drooling for caramel? you are not dreaming about chocolate? I mean....

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23 hours ago, leaveornottoleave said:

I just don’t know how that would go bringing it up to him.

As far as he’s concerned, everything is hunky-dory right now.

I want to be truthful and maybe it would open up an avenue to address the reasons I’m so conflicted about another person.

But like someone else said, he may end up making the decision for me.

That would be his perogative, but since I don’t know if I want to break up or not I don’t know if I want to take that risk

I think you realize he'd be offended, hurt, etc. and you don't want to give him that opportunity to find someone who is more in love with him and committed to him.

But if you don't talk about this, he'll never know how to meet your needs better, so that you're not thinking about cheating on him and infatuated with other men.

I get it that you want to keep him in the dark, but I don't think that bodes well for your future (with him or any other man).  

I guarantee you, this will happen again until you're honest with your partner (him or another one down the line) and let them know if they're not meeting some emotional need.

 

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1 hour ago, DancingFool said:

If all you ever had was vanilla....that caramel fudge will at some point become an irresistible temptation just because you are bored with vanilla and this new flavor is exotic in your mind. Unfortunately, unlike ice cream, cheating will wreck your life and your marriage/family/relationship.

Yikes, that is not true for everyone.  I think that analogy of having to try out different men sets women up TO cheat, and think that's normal, or think it's normal that you have to sleep around A LOT to get a lot of different flavors of men to pick one to settle down with.

Statistically, that creates more divorce, more unhappiness with one's partner (possibly due to all the past comparing). 

 

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Just now, maritalbliss86 said:

Yikes, that is not true for everyone.  I think that analogy of having to try out different men sets women up TO cheat, and think that's normal, or think it's normal that you have to sleep around A LOT to get a lot of different flavors of men to pick one to settle down with.

Statistically, that creates more divorce, more unhappiness with one's partner (possibly due to all the past comparing). 

 

How does being free to date and figure out who you are as an adult person and what kind of a relationship/partner you actually want set you up to cheat exactly? Quite the opposite of cheating I would say.

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39 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

How does being free to date and figure out who you are as an adult person and what kind of a relationship/partner you actually want set you up to cheat exactly? Quite the opposite of cheating I would say.

I agree, if you're single how is it cheating to go on dates with different men?

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