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Alright sorry for the novel but here’s the situation: I’ve been with my bf since high school, almost 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs, our relationship isn’t perfect, and we’ve almost broken up a few times, but I love him very much and I’ve always pictured him in my future.

Last week I was invited on a trip with my best friend and her husband and her husband’s best friend. We met only a couple of times before, but the best friend and I vibed pretty well, a little too well. He ended up pouring his heart out, confessing how much he likes me, and trying to kiss me. Now usually I would tell my boyfriend about an incident like that, but here’s the problem: I really ***in like this guy too. He’s all I’ve been able to think about since we got back. His words were so affectionate and genuine to me when he was telling me how he felt, which is one of the issues I’ve always had with my boyfriend. I had to lay my head down on his shoulder to sleep on the plane, and it felt so right

i feel like *** because I can’t stop thinking about him, and my boyfriend is so happy to have me back and has no idea. He’s been working on a lot of issues and we have a good relationship, he doesn’t hit me or put me down. I think about all his good qualities, we have so much in common, and the fact that I could put almost 10 years of my life into someone and still break up scares the hell out of me. But every so often I worry that I’m settling. I feel like we’ve plateaued and i think about all the things about him that I’m not a fan of. I think about this other guy and my heart starts to pound. Being around him just felt so right and I could really picture us together and our future. 

i asked my friend and her husband for insight and they basically said he’s a great guy but has a lot of baggage (I have no idea what that entails), and drama (baby mama issues) and it could be tough, but he’s a great guy and would be good to me. But I’m so scared. I don’t want to risk a 10 year relationship just to be ***ed around or regret it in the long run. My boyfriend is really my best friend, I don’t want to lose that for nothing. 

Does anyone have any insight on leaving a long term relationship for someone else? How should I go forward from here, or make a decision? this could be the best decision or worst mistake of my life. 

Edited by leaveornottoleave
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18 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

We met only a couple of times before, but the best friend and I vibed pretty well, a little too well. He ended up pouring his heart out, confessing how much he likes me, and trying to kiss me

All this after meeting a cpl times.. kinda forward, isn't it?

20 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

I feel like we’ve plateaued and i think about all the things about him that I’m not a fan of. I think about this other guy and my heart starts to pound. Being around him just felt so right and I could really picture us together and our future. 

Okay, so sounds like this ship has run aground - but does not mean you should just run into another guy's arms so fast!

This is not 'in reality' speaking.. this is a thrill for you.  Is not so easy just dumping a man you've been with long term.. and not feel after effects of that for a while - so, would most likely be a 'rebound' type relationship- where you could so easily fall back onto the memories & losses of your bf - you've just left. 😕 

23 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

i asked my friend and her husband for insight and they basically said he’s a great guy but has a lot of baggage (I have no idea what that entails), and drama (baby mama issues) and it could be tough,

Okay, so you'd be moving on from a decent, stable life to something quite questionable - someone with some instabilities & uncertainties - is this okay for you?

24 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

My boyfriend is really my best friend, I don’t want to lose that for nothing. 

Does anyone have any insight on leaving a long term relationship for someone else?

- How about you not leave your bf.. for someone else.

But, for yourself....

IF he is basically seen as only 'your best friend', sounds like you love him, just not 'in love' with him anymore.

And, since you've been this way with some guy who's hit on you a little and your thoughts get lost in this, maybe is time to consider moving on from this relationship, which does not seem to be doing you much good anymore...

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34 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

But I’m so scared. I don’t want to risk a 10 year relationship just to be ***ed around or regret it in the long run. My boyfriend is really my best friend, I don’t want to lose that for nothing. 

If you and your boyfriend were together for 10 years, you two are definitely in true love. It might not seem like it but it is. You have this strong connection and the 10 years are proof of it.

Let's call the boyfriend "A" and best friend "B." 

You met B a couple times, do you know who he really is? Do you know him long enough to get together with him? For a guy I like before, it took me a year or 2 to get to know him and become best friends, now I like him now that I'm sure I want to get closer with him. B may seem good with just the words and all, but he seems desperate, you only look at the good side instead of the bad sides just because you "like" him. Does he know you have a boyfriend? It seems like cheating at this point if you continue. But first, put yourself in A's shoes. How would you feel if he's seeing another girl behind your back?

All relationships die out slowly but the love stays, like you and A. No relationship is perfect.

The best thing to do here is tell A how you feel about this. You and A should have a conversation with each other. 

Honestly, if I were you, I would stay with A and try to communicate with him. There is a possibility A would try his hardest to fit your needs but please understand the connection between you and A is enough to be true love.

Edited by hoshi
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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so you'd be moving on from a decent, stable life to something quite questionable - someone with some instabilities & uncertainties - is this okay for you?

36 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

I agree with this. B seems quite questionable with his lifestyle. How can you be so sure from meeting a few times? B does seem very unstable and desperate..

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All of that after a couple of meetups.  What’s worse is he knows you have a bf and made these moves.  
 

The guy is a creep and has shown you his character. You would be foolish to get involved.  
 

I think you should break up with your bf, he deserves better. 

Edited by Hollyj
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I’d put some space and time between you and this experience. Right now you’re too deep in the excitement to see things clearly. Spend the next few weeks trying to focus on growing the bond between yourself and your boyfriend. After some time, you may see this other guy differently, or you may realize that you still feel like somethings missing. But you have to be mentally disciplined enough to not allow your mind to wander back to this guy during these weeks. Try to move on from it, and if you can’t, then you’ll know.

ETA: I don’t think what you’ve done is all that bad. Sometimes you don’t realize that you’re not thriving until something comes along and awakens you. I do wonder, is there a plan for marriage with your boyfriend? I mean, we tell women on here all the time not to act like a wife when you’re not a wife, but then here you are acting like a girlfriend and getting roasted for not acting like a wife....I suppose the level of commitment between you and your boyfriend and your future should also be considered here. You say you see him in your future, but I’m guessing you’re late 20s already, so what do you want your future to look like? Focus on just you and what you want, no one else.

Edited by indea08
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10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

All of that after a couple of meetups.  What’s worse is he knows you have a bf and made these moves.  
 

The guy is a creep and has shown you his character. You would be foolish to get involved.  
 

I think you should break up with your bf, he deserves better. 

After reading some of these comments, I feel a little more grounded in reality than infatuation. reading this was upsetting at first but honestly not wrong and is now another aspect I have to think about moving forward. 

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59 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

I was invited on a trip with my best friend and her husband and her husband’s best friend. 

he doesn’t hit me or put me down. 

Do you and your BF live together. You seem unhappy with him. On/off, ups/downs, etc.

Reflect on that and the fact that one of his good points, in your eyes, is "he doesn't hit me".

You're already not only cheating with this guy, you're going away on trips with him.

Walk away from your BF, he's not there to be a security blanket while you shop around.

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I'd try to look at all this from a different, wider lens. 

Rather than thinking about this new guy as the answer to your problems, which no human is to any human problems, instead think of him as a kind of x-ray, with this fluttery encounter revealing something you need to address (a) in yourself and (b) between you and your boyfriend—namely, whether or not you two still work as partners.  

It sounds like you've maybe outgrown the relationship, feeling that its plateaued, that your settling, and so on. Sucks, those feelings, but sucks more to ignore them or "treat" them through fluttery novelty. You've changed a lot over the past decade, as has your boyfriend. If who you both are today are two people who are no longer compatible—well, that's okay. Crushing, but okay. Doesn't make either of you a failure, but just human. 

This new guy? He's like seeing a glass with few water droplets at the bottom after roaming the desert: the answer to your thirst! Except, um, no. It's just a few droplets of water; hoping they'll quench your thirst will just make you thirstier. This is the moment to recognize that, step away from fantasy and back to reality, and address the roots here more maturely. You'll thank yourself later. 

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're already not only cheating with this guy, you're going away on trips with him.

Walk away from your BF, he's not there to be a security blanket while you shop around.

I’m probably being pedantic because I know what you’re saying, but I feel the need to clarify that I didn’t go on a trip with him, my best friend wanted me to come and her husband wanted his.

anyway, thanks for the insight. Genuinely. 

 

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32 minutes ago, indea08 said:

I’d put some space and time between you and this experience. Right now you’re too deep in the excitement to see things clearly. Spend the next few weeks trying to focus on growing the bond between yourself and your boyfriend. After some time, you may see this other guy differently, or you may realize that you still feel like somethings missing. But you have to be mentally disciplined enough to not allow your mind to wander back to this guy during these weeks. Try to move on from it, and if you can’t, then you’ll know.

Yeah for sure. I didn’t really make it clear from my post, but I wasn’t gonna make any rash decisions any time soon. I’m not taking this lightly.

32 minutes ago, indea08 said:

ETA: I don’t think what you’ve done is all that bad. Sometimes you don’t realize that you’re not thriving until something comes along and awakens you. I do wonder, is there a plan for marriage with your boyfriend? I mean, we tell women on here all the time not to act like a wife when you’re not a wife, but then here you are acting like a girlfriend and getting roasted for not acting like a wife....I suppose the level of commitment between you and your boyfriend and your future should also be considered here. You say you see him in your future, but I’m guessing you’re late 20s already, so what do you want your future to look like? Focus on just you and what you want, no one else.

Thanks for understanding. We talk about marriage and kids and we want them, but we both recognize that we’re in no position for either right now and I don’t know when we will be.

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26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you and your BF live together. You seem unhappy with him. On/off, ups/downs, etc.

Reflect on that and the fact that one of his good points, in your eyes, is "he doesn't hit me".

You're already not only cheating with this guy, you're going away on trips with him.

Walk away from your BF, he's not there to be a security blanket while you shop around.

I thought the "he doesn't hit me" strange.  That should be a given.   I think that usually people speak about how people treat them emotionally.  

 

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It's a horrible thing to dump someone "for" someone else.  Especially the way you explain it.

If you decide to end your relationship end it for your own reasons. Then spend some time, single & working on yourself. 

You've been with this guy for 10 years from a young age.  It's a common thing in these cases to eventually grow apart or have your feelings change. 

But you also have to consider why you want to end things.  Is it the relationship? Or are you just turned on by a new option? 

I don't think you're thinking very clearly. You are willing to toss 10 years away, for someone you don't even know. You don't know what's happening with him.  Lots of "baggage"? yikes. find out what that is first. 

You may find after a brief time with him, when the shine wears off, you really miss your boyfriend. That's why it doesn't really work when you monkey branch like this.  

You mentioned, that your bf doesn't hit you. Why are you saying that? does he hurt your feelings? No one should ever hit another person. Not hitting you. should be a given. it doesn't make him good guy.

you've got your head and heart all turned around, by one guy paying a little attention to you and giving you some sweet talk.

Sad.

ETA: I mean it's sad because it's probably over either way. And you're really not in a good place emotionally to get with someone new and make it work... Plus this guy could be creep. you really don't know. 

 

Edited by Lambert
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19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It's a horrible thing to dump someone "for" someone else.  Especially the way you explain it.

If you decide to end your relationship end it for your own reasons. Then spend some time, single & working on yourself. 
 

You’re right, I didn’t really indicate otherwise but I had no intention of leaving to immediately be with someone else that I hardly know. i know that would be ***ed up and unhealthy  

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

But you also have to consider why you want to end things.  Is it the relationship? Or are you just turned on by a new option? 
 

i think it’s both. Like I said, we’ve had our rough patches and almost broken up a few times. Right now is a pretty good patch though, so I’m feeling really bad about this whole situation. 

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You may find after a brief time with him, when the shine wears off, you really miss your boyfriend. That's why it doesn't really work when you monkey branch like this.  
 

I’ve thought about that too, and it scares the hell out of me. Like others said, I really don’t know this guy. He seems genuine and caring but I could be putting a 10 year relationship with someone I have so much in common with on the line just to be messed around with and tossed aside. it makes me feel almost suicidal. like if you can love someone so much for so long and invest so much time in each other and your families and friends just for it to not work out, then what’s the point of anything, you know? 

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You mentioned, that your bf doesn't hit you. Why are you saying that? does he hurt your feelings? No one should ever hit another person. Not hitting you. should be a given. it doesn't make him good guy.

yeah a couple other people mentioned that, I didn’t put much thought into it while I was writing it, I guess I was just trying to underline that he wasn’t a bad person and I have no “serious” reason to break up with him, besides emotionally 

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

you've got your head and heart all turned around, by one guy paying a little attention to you and giving you some sweet talk.

Sad.

ETA: I mean it's sad because it's probably over either way. And you're really not in a good place emotionally to get with someone new and make it work... Plus this guy could be creep. you really don't know. 

 

Thanks so much for your insight, I appreciate it

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1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

I'd try to look at all this from a different, wider lens. 

Rather than thinking about this new guy as the answer to your problems, which no human is to any human problems, instead think of him as a kind of x-ray, with this fluttery encounter revealing something you need to address (a) in yourself and (b) between you and your boyfriend—namely, whether or not you two still work as partners.  

It sounds like you've maybe outgrown the relationship, feeling that its plateaued, that your settling, and so on. Sucks, those feelings, but sucks more to ignore them or "treat" them through fluttery novelty. You've changed a lot over the past decade, as has your boyfriend. If who you both are today are two people who are no longer compatible—well, that's okay. Crushing, but okay. Doesn't make either of you a failure, but just human. 

This new guy? He's like seeing a glass with few water droplets at the bottom after roaming the desert: the answer to your thirst! Except, um, no. It's just a few droplets of water; hoping they'll quench your thirst will just make you thirstier. This is the moment to recognize that, step away from fantasy and back to reality, and address the roots here more maturely. You'll thank yourself later. 

Very wise words, thank you so much

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I think it's really odd that your friends essentially set you up to cheat on your bf with this creep. By creep, I mean he came onto you hot and heavy, aka love bombing, knowing you are not single, and he has baby mamma drama. These same friends are telling you that he is a really good guy? With friends like that, who needs enemies..... I'd step way way back from these people because they really do not have your best interests in mind.

As for the situation overall, I think this is one of those long term relationships can be hard work to keep going moments. Yes, there will be times in your life where you meet someone new and you get a crush on them or feel excitement and infatuation. It's not that it won't happen, it's what you do about it. Emotions are fleeting and fickle, loyalty to your SO is a conscious choice and sometimes it's a hard one to make.

That said, I think you do need to sit down with yourself and sort out what is going on with you and your current bf. I don't mean things are going well for now, but where are you two really? Have you grown apart? Are you on a track to a future together or are you just treading water and staying together out of convenience and because you are afraid to part ways for good and afraid to be single. Why is it that after 10 years marriage is just a vague plan?

These are hard questions and I think you need to spend some serious time thinking about that. What do you want your life to be and is it heading in that direction. You personally, without leaning on any guy or relationship to make a judgment. If your current bf ended things today, where would that leave you? Would you just monkey branch onto another guy or stand on your own two feet and make better choices?

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14 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Have you considered couples counseling?

It has crossed my mind, I’ve looked up other posts like this for insight and that idea was raised a few times. I would definitely consider it, I just don’t know how that would go bringing it up to him. As far as he’s concerned, everything is hunky-dory right now. I want to be truthful and maybe it would open up an avenue to address the reasons I’m so conflicted about another person. But like someone else said, he may end up making the decision for me. That would be his perogative, but since I don’t know if I want to break up or not I don’t know if I want to take that risk

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Just now, leaveornottoleave said:

I want to be truthful and maybe it would open up an avenue to address the reasons I’m so conflicted about another person. 

Unfortunately that sounds manipulative, like an ultimatum. Waving another guy under his nose will not change or fix him.

After 10 years and zero progress, couples therapy is not indicated. Especially if your are going away on trips knowingly being set up with other men. 

However individual therapy may help you better identify your insecurities and conflicts.

This  weekend trip guy is a symptom as well as a problem. It's not about him or your BF. There's other more suitable men passing you by while you settle in a "he doesn't hit me" relationship.

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31 minutes ago, leaveornottoleave said:

but since I don’t know if I want to break up or not I don’t know if I want to take that risk

So you want to keep him on ice until you decide if you want to ditch him for someone else?

Oh boy, I hope not. Because that is not nice.

How would you feel if you got with his new guy and thought everything was hunky dory only to find out he was test driving someone else?

I presume you care about your boyfriend, at least as a person. So please be honest with him. Let him know you are having doubts about the relationship so he can at least be informed.

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14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you want to keep him on ice until you decide if you want to ditch him for someone else?

Oh boy, I hope not. Because that is not nice.

How would you feel if you got with his new guy and thought everything was hunky dory only to find out he was test driving someone else?

I wouldn’t say I’m test driving someone else, I have no plans to entertain this guy in the meantime. the situation and these comments have made me realize I have a lot to think about with our relationship besides this one guy, and if I realize I want to make things better instead of break up, then I think opening up to him about this when nothing really happened could be detrimental. you’re saying you think I should tell him everything regardless?

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1 hour ago, leaveornottoleave said:

You’re right, I didn’t really indicate otherwise but I had no intention of leaving to immediately be with someone else that I hardly know. i know that would be ***ed up and unhealthy  

i think it’s both. Like I said, we’ve had our rough patches and almost broken up a few times. Right now is a pretty good patch though, so I’m feeling really bad about this whole situation. 

I’ve thought about that too, and it scares the hell out of me. Like others said, I really don’t know this guy. He seems genuine and caring but I could be putting a 10 year relationship with someone I have so much in common with on the line just to be messed around with and tossed aside. it makes me feel almost suicidal. like if you can love someone so much for so long and invest so much time in each other and your families and friends just for it to not work out, then what’s the point of anything, you know? 

yeah a couple other people mentioned that, I didn’t put much thought into it while I was writing it, I guess I was just trying to underline that he wasn’t a bad person and I have no “serious” reason to break up with him, besides emotionally 

Thanks so much for your insight, I appreciate it

I appreciate how open you are to all this advice. some people can't take it and get really defensive.

You might have had rough times but I don't think that should weigh too heavily on you decision. ALL long term relationships have fights and periods of ebb and flow, if you know what i mean. it takes a lot of forgiveness, compromise and choosing your battles from both people for things to work, especially for 10 years.

I can tell you, I was in a similar situation, at one time.  And I did end my relationship. Never mentioning that someone else sparked it.  Because truthfully, meeting the other guy, showed me what was missing in the relationship. It was like a switch flipped.. I saw that staying with my then bf would never yield the life I really wanted.

It was not about the other guy. He had many qualities my bf did not and they were qualities I wanted and even saw in myself, that were being held back by my then bf.

For example, I talked to my boss and we were planning on how I could make vice president at my company. I was so happy and excited. When I told my bf... he laughed at me and said "you'll never be a vp"

He wasn't a bad guy. but a big goal like that, to him, was crazy talk. I knew I was with the wrong guy. There were other instances of things, too. He wasn't supportive or had any hope... a real cynic.  

When I met the other guy, he had such a different outlook. So much more positive and so much drive. I realized I was with a real downer of a guy and his willingness to just stay stays quo, was holding me back.

In the long run, I was right to end things.  not because of the new guy. we had a brief dating relationship... but for me? it was the best thing.

The relationship was not what I wanted for my life. and I had to end it to be what I wanted to be.

But you guys talked marriage and family... do you see your future with this guy? But it's just more exciting thinking about new guy? 

Being that you got together so young.  I can see why a new guy and the new feelings seems so special but honestly... they're not that special...  it just feels like it.

That's why you gotta get your head out of the clouds. A guy with big drama and a baby mama? not a catch.  honestly. Don't fall for sweet talk. vacation time, no kids around, horny, he's saying whatever to take his shot.

Real life is a little (a lot) different. 

 

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4 hours ago, leaveornottoleave said:

he’s a great guy and would be good to me

First off, I'll address that comment. You can't see the forest for the trees. Decent men would never flirt with a taken woman. Point two--he would be good to you? His track record obviously sucks. You're living in la-la-land.

Your relationship boundaries suck. I would have never accepted a trip invitation like this. And putting your head on his shoulder to sleep? What would you have done on a plane where a stranger is sitting next to you? You're making excuses for your poor behavior. A decent taken person would have also put a stop to a guy flirting with her and shut down that conversation ASAP.

Obviously you've lost an emotional connection with your bf, so you either make an attempt to fix that, or you end things for the best interest of both of you. You can read articles and books on how to keep the spark alive, because just like if you don't care for a plant, watering it etc., it will die, relationships need attention as well or they will die.

If you don't feel like any of that effort will make you love him enough for a lifetime, then end things. Just know after 10 years together, you need to stay single a good long time, probably a minimum of a year, until you're mentally ready to make good choices in dating. Learn who you are solo, and be happy in that status, before getting out into the dating world again.

And no, I wouldn't bring up the other guy. You simply tell your bf you want to try things to rejuvenate the relationship, or just start doing things on your own and he should react positively and maybe be creative himself. How about taking dance lessons with him? Write him a note on everything you appreciate about him. Go to a couples store and buy new things for the bedroom. If none of that works, it's no failure that it's not working. Sometimes one or both in a relationship outgrows the other. But just be ethical whatever you do. If you wouldn't want someone treating you in a particular way, don't do that to anyone else. If you've exchanged numbers with the player, block and delete, as he's not a good option even if you find yourself single.

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6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

First off, I'll address that comment. You can't see the forest for the trees. Decent men would never flirt with a taken woman. Point two--he would be good to you? His track record obviously sucks. You're living in la-la-land.

Your relationship boundaries suck. I would have never accepted a trip invitation like this. And putting your head on his shoulder to sleep? What would you have done on a plane where a stranger is sitting next to you? You're making excuses for your poor behavior. A decent taken person would have also put a stop to a guy flirting with her and shut down that conversation ASAP.

Obviously you've lost an emotional connection with your bf, so you either make an attempt to fix that, or you end things for the best interest of both of you. You can read articles and books on how to keep the spark alive, because just like if you don't care for a plant, watering it etc., it will die, relationships need attention as well or they will die.

If you don't feel like any of that effort will make you love him enough for a lifetime, then end things. Just know after 10 years together, you need to stay single a good long time, probably a minimum of a year, until you're mentally ready to make good choices in dating. Learn who you are solo, and be happy in that status, before getting out into the dating world again.

And no, I wouldn't bring up the other guy. You simply tell your bf you want to try things to rejuvenate the relationship, or just start doing things on your own and he should react positively and maybe be creative himself. How about taking dance lessons with him? Write him a note on everything you appreciate about him. Go to a couples store and buy new things for the bedroom. If none of that works, it's no failure that it's not working. Sometimes one or both in a relationship outgrows the other. But just be ethical whatever you do. If you wouldn't want someone treating you in a particular way, don't do that to anyone else. If you've exchanged numbers with the player, block and delete, as he's not a good option even if you find yourself single.

Thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. I have a lot to think about

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