Jump to content

I don’t know what to do! I’m in despair..


Recommended Posts

My girlfriend can be quite tough on me. We’ve been together for eight years. I’ve been hurt like hell before and am divorced once. So I work hard on relationships now. 8 months ago, I loaned a small amount of money (less than a 100 USD) to help him land a job. This person paid me back in three months. I didn’t tell this to my girlfriend as we were arguing then and it would’ve added fuel to the fire. I felt guilty about it and decided do set it right and so told her. All hell descended on me.. I was called all sorts of names, belittled, compared to her ex, and did a huge number on me. I don’t argue back and I usually just try to explain why I did what I did, hoping it’ll help her understand that I was trying to right a wrong. She’s now like we’re done, then keeps pulling up every single issue from the past (I’ve never cheated on her and she says I have) every mistake I’ve made, all the things I’ve overcome to be a better person and keeps bombarding me with them. I’m really tired and depressed and I don’t know what to do. I’ve always tried to do right by her. In the first place, I should have told her about it when I was asked for funds, and earlier than now if I was telling her about it. Unfortunately, I’d also forgotten I’d done that and needed to tell her. I don’t feel like being open anymore..  I’d appreciate any advise and please feel free to ask questions too.. I’ll be glad to answer if it means that I can get some solid advise. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Dissolutioneddude said:

I didn’t tell this to my girlfriend as we were arguing then and it would’ve added fuel to the fire. I felt guilty about it and decided do set it right and so told her. All hell descended on me.. I was called all sorts of names, belittled, compared to her ex, and did a huge number on me. I don’t argue back and I usually just try to explain why I did what I did, hoping it’ll help her understand that I was trying to right a wrong. She’s now like we’re done, then keeps pulling up every single issue from the past

Wow, she sounds nasty 😕 .. Nothing like guilt.

Sounds like she is belittling you.. and sooo not good to compare you to her ex.. and accuse you of cheating.

She is a difficult one. (So you argue a lot? You mentioned you were arguing, which is why you never told her to begin with)..

I have a feeling you've been with this chicklet wayyy too long.  To have to take her moods/anger?

Also, now it's really taking it's toll on you- depressed?

I say leave.

Don't let her do this to you anymore!  Be stronger than this and don't let someone be like this to you!

Only so much we can take.. and don't let someone put you down like that.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)

Yes we do argue.. It’s a lot lesser now as I tend to choose the relationship over arguments. I mean, why would a person like to have “one over” the person you love.. It would be silly to hurt the person you love to just win an argument. It isn’t healthy.. 

I am depressed. I haven’t gotten off the bed for a couple of days now. I am in the midst of my second masters degree, and two other professional courses and I can’t bring myself to work on those. I also teach but really dont want to now and have stopped giving classes.. If that’s depression, it sucks! I am too tired to get off the bed. I’m beginning to realise a lot..

Edited by Dissolutioneddude
Link to post
Share on other sites

She sounds like a nasty bully.  I don't understand why you choose to stay with someone that treats you like this?  Do you usually choose abusive women?  You have allowed yourself to become a complete doormat. 

Exit this relationship and find someone nice.   I also suggest a therapist.

Edited by Hollyj
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you live together? Do you both work and contribute financially?

If you live together, whose place is it? As you know most arguments like this one aren't about the topic at hand.

They're about long standing unresolved resentments.

Get  to a physician about the depression. Lying around all day with this type of ennui and inertia is what's "adding fuel to the fire" in all this discord.

Do you have friends or family you can move it with? Until your mental health is cleared up this situation is simply adding stress.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It doesn't sound like there's forgiveness, acceptance or support. She doesn't accept you as you are and there's too much resentment for the past. If she disagrees with you she can say so and go her separate way. Out of curiosity, have you both broken up before and do you live together?

Why does she believe you cheated on her? And did you meet each other before your divorce or after? 

I can empathize and I'm sorry for what you're going through. You do sound depressed. Reach out to your medical provider/doctor and book an appointment. Most of them are over the phone or via video call now these days so even if you are too tired to leave the house, it's a good start. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Posted (edited)
27 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It doesn't sound like there's forgiveness, acceptance or support. She doesn't accept you as you are and there's too much resentment for the past. If she disagrees with you she can say so and go her separate way. Out of curiosity, have you both broken up before and do you live together?

Why does she believe you cheated on her? And did you meet each other before your divorce or after? 

I can empathize and I'm sorry for what you're going through. You do sound depressed. Reach out to your medical provider/doctor and book an appointment. Most of them are over the phone or via video call now these days so even if you are too tired to leave the house, it's a good start. 

 

She has broken up with me many times before and I’ve always managed to work on us. I’m too exhausted now to do that. I just don’t know what to do.. We don’t live together. She has issues with her parents and she lives with them to look after them. I wanted to ask her tou settle down with me but she says she’s got to sort out her parents issues first. So I’ve just been supportive as much as I can.. 

She believes I cheated on her because I have a tendency to help people. I have helped people and this includes some ladies as well. She thinks I had something with them. Deep down, she knows that I’d never do anything like that. But she pulls it up and throws it in my face all the time.. I met her two years into my divorce and only got friendly with her after my divorce. I took time to become friendly with her as I didn’t want her to be affected in any way by the divorce proceedings.. 

 

I think you’re right about taking to a doctor... It’s been.. draining.. 

Edited by Dissolutioneddude
Link to post
Share on other sites
48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together? Do you both work and contribute financially?

If you live together, whose place is it? As you know most arguments like this one aren't about the topic at hand.

They're about long standing unresolved resentments.

Get  to a physician about the depression. Lying around all day with this type of ennui and inertia is what's "adding fuel to the fire" in all this discord.

Do you have friends or family you can move it with? Until your mental health is cleared up this situation is simply adding stress.

We don’t live together.. she has her parents to look after and I just support her as much as I can..  I don’t have family with me. They’d be a burden at this point too anyway..

Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, Dissolutioneddude said:

She has broken up with me many times before and I’ve always managed to work on us. I’m too exhausted now to do that. I just don’t know what to do.. We don’t live together. She has issues with her parents and she lives with them to look after them. I wanted to ask her tou settle down with me but she says she’s got to sort out her parents issues first. So I’ve just been supportive as much as I can.. 

She believes I cheated on her because I have a tendency to help people. I have helped people and this includes some ladies as well. She thinks I had something with them. Deep down, she knows that I’d never do anything like that. But she pulls it up and throws it in my face all the time.. I met her two years into my divorce and only got friendly with her after my divorce. I took time to become friendly with her as I didn’t want her to be affected in any way by the divorce proceedings.. 

 

I think you’re right about taking to a doctor... It’s been.. draining.. 

 

The thing that comes to mind is that she just doesn't trust your judgment.. at all. I can't think of anything more damaging in a relationship than lack of trust. She likely doesn't trust your friends or who you call friends, she doesn't trust you and how you treat your friends, she doesn't trust how you spend your money or even what you do in your free time. 

How can a relationship keep going on without trust? No trust = no respect either. You're holding on to it but why? 

Is it because you're afraid of it ending like your marriage or not having anyone there, another partner or person/being alone?

And yes, please do see a doctor. All it is is a phone call. No sense in suffering alone or feeling so isolated.

Edited by Rose Mosse
Link to post
Share on other sites
28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

 

The thing that comes to mind is that she just doesn't trust your judgment.. at all. I can't think of anything more damaging in a relationship than lack of trust. She likely doesn't trust your friends or who you call friends, she doesn't trust you and how you treat your friends, she doesn't trust how you spend your money or even what you do in your free time. 

How can a relationship keep going on without trust? No trust = no respect either. You're holding on to it but why? 

Is it because you're afraid of it ending like your marriage or not having anyone there, another partner or person/being alone?

And yes, please do see a doctor. All it is is a phone call. No sense in suffering alone or feeling so isolated.

Good point there.. She’s never been able to trust people and always looks at the worst thing that could happen instead of the best.. I this it’s due to family issues that she’s had. I’m not worried about being alone. If it wasn’t for her, I’d become a recluse. I like being on my own. I think it’s only cos I really do care for her. I think it’s time to  evaluate everything and make a change.. Thank you for this message. It was an eye opening one..

Link to post
Share on other sites
53 minutes ago, Dissolutioneddude said:

She has broken up with me many times before and I’ve always managed to work on us.

But clearly, that hasn't worked at all. 

Only you can answer why you're choosing dysfunction and toxicity. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Do you like how she demeans and bullies you?   There is no love or respect in this relationship.

This relationship is unhealthy.

Yes it’s unbearable when we fight.. I get called all sorts of things. It undermines my confidence and leaves me feeling weak and inadequate. This relationship is definitely not healthy. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Dissolutioneddude said:

Yes it’s unbearable when we fight.. I get called all sorts of things. It undermines my confidence and leaves me feeling weak and inadequate. This relationship is definitely not healthy. 

Why are you staying a situation that is terrible for your emotional and mental health? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/21/2021 at 10:51 PM, Dissolutioneddude said:

I felt guilty about it and decided do set it right and so told her.

You stirred your own pot knowing what the results would be.

You've opted to keep a relationship with someone who belittles you. That's your choice, but it's a sick one.

If you ever decide that you're done doing that, you'll resolve this particular problem.

From there, you get to decide how you'll want to screen out women going forward rather than accepting mistreatment--from anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...