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In love with 2 men


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I have a burden weighing heavy on my heart that I have not shared w anyone else, but I could use some wisdom.

My BF & I have been together since I was 17 years old.  No breaks or days off for the last 12 years.

He is kind, honest & trust worthy. We are a great team & work together well, but over the years the ‘fire’ to our relationship has dwindled down. There is no excitement or chemistry, but it is secure & comfortable. I have tried to talk w him about how I feel, but when I do he just gets defensive.

Well, I also have a ‘friend’ (Mike) that just came home in Feb from prison after doing 8 years.

We had something going on for a short time back in the day right before when I met my bf.

Distance (he lives 4 hours away) & life kinda took us in different directions at the time, but we remained friends.

Over the last few years, we have grown closer. I talked to him daily while he was incarcerated by email. He stays telling me EVERYTHING I want hear. Sadly, I be eating it up too, because he stays feeding me everything I’m not receiving at home.

I take everything he says w a grain of salt though, being the circumstances of him being incarcerated, but he has always followed through on his word. So his word is platinum with me.

 

Wellll, since he’s been home he’s been pressing me coming to see him. 

 

The weekend before last, I did some super out of character stuff! 

 

It had been 10 years since I saw dude, and my curiosity could not handle another minute.

I had the nerve to tell my bf that I was going to go to the beach w my homegirl, but really I went down there to see Mike.

Everything was great, pretty much exactly as I imagined. I did feel guilty though, which made it hard to let my wall down and enjoy myself. I wasted pretty much all the food I had bought because my nerves were too shook to eat.

When I got home, my man was asking me questions about my trip.

I was short w him because obviously feeling guilty & didn’t want to tell more lies to cover up the original story.

Long story short, he went threw my phone and got all the answers he needed!

He woke me out the bed at 12AM screaming and hollering. I never hopped out the bed so quick! You would have thought the house was on fire.

It was so hard seeing him completely devastated because of something I did.

He says he wants us to work it out, but the trust being completely gone going to make it close to impossible. Since then, most the conversation between us has been about him gathering every detail he can about my time w Mike. He literally has like PTSD and brings it up non-stop, not that I expected anything less. The last two nights he got home late and I didn’t feel like having sex. That sparks an argument like no other!! He keeps telling me I had alllll the energy in the world to drive 4 hours away and *** all night, but when I’m home he always get ‘the worst’ of me. This hits especially hard for him because it’s deeper than a random fling or hook up. This is years of building into what it has become. 

I blocked Mike’s number from my phone & deleted the contact info. I have not talked to him since. I know he has a good idea what is going on, but I realize I owe him an explanation too.

My man wanted me to call Mike & tell him I was never going to talk to him again, but I am not ever going to do that. I value my friendship w Mike, he is the closest person to me besides my man. 

It’s sad because I know in my heart I have to choose, but honestly can’t imagine my life without either in it!! 

I am unfulfilled in my relationship. Mike makes me feel good about myself, super loved and special. My current relationship is obviously a lot more financially stable, and from a ‘life partner’ aspect def the more dependable of the two. I worry that the love and excitement I feel for Mike will fade in time, like most relationships do.

what’s your opinion on this matter ? 

Do you believe it is possible to make it work w my man after he found out I cheated? 

Should I just try to start something new w Mike? 

Should I contact Mike and tell him everything?

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17 minutes ago, Milasia said:

My man wanted me to call Mike & tell him I was never going to talk to him again, but I am not ever going to do that. I value my friendship w Mike, he is the closest person to me besides my man. 

Then you are being very foolish. Mike is not a person of value. He helped you betray a kind and honest man who committed the last 14 years of his life to you. Mike helped you damage your marriage. The only other thing that Mike did was write you letters from prison. Meanwhile, your husband was boots on the ground.

Edited by Jibralta
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5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Then you are being very foolish. Mike is not a person of value. He helped you betray a kind and honest man who committed the last 14 years of his life to you. Mike helped you damage your marriage. The only other thing that Mike did was write you letters from prison. Meanwhile, your husband was boots on the ground.

Jibralta- 

 

mike doesn’t know I have a man. I’m sure he thinks I may have someone else I’m entertaining, but not an official boyfriend that lives with me. 

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1 minute ago, Milasia said:

mike doesn’t know I have a man. I’m sure he thinks I may have someone else I’m entertaining, but not an official boyfriend that lives with me. 

You haven't told him all this time? What are you doing?

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Just now, Jibralta said:

You haven't told him all this time? What are you doing?

Really tripping. 
 

mike thinks me and my man’s relationship is  “on ice” or on a break, but at the same time I’m never reachable at night etc. Like common sense says I’m in a relationship, but I feel like he has learned to keep his expectations somewhat realistic being he’s been in prison for so long & I live 4 hours away. 
 

My man knows of mike because of letters, cards, and pictures being delivered to my house periodically over the last couple years. I have always down played it and my man has always let it slide. Truly the reason we are still together is because no matter what happens between us, he always stays. My man seems to deal w things by not dealing with them. 

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Your relationship boundaries and ethics suck. If you wouldn't have wanted your man to be writing an old fling for 8 years and not even telling her he had a longterm gf, then why would you think this was okay? If you have no plans to end your "friendship" and seek couples counseling, let your man go so he can find himself a decent woman with ethics. He will realize later what a big favor you did, by releasing him from financing your lifestyle while you pour your energy and time into another man. You deserve to live in a cardboard box with your criminal, so hop in the car. Do what's right for once and release a man who deserves better.

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32 minutes ago, Milasia said:

Do you believe it is possible to make it work w my man after he found out I cheated? 

Should I just try to start something new w Mike? 

Should I contact Mike and tell him everything?

No, Too much damage has been done to even attempt to make it work, (imo).

I do think you made a very impulsive move, and will live to regret it.

 

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I disagree you need these two at all. Your current relationship is unfulfilling and it sounds like your partner is not exactly present in mind or soul with you. 

Mike is just a pawn or tool being used because you're unhappy in your current relationship. I'm sorry to say that. 

I'm not sure if this makes you feel important or loved but I would take a closer look at what the attentions of either of these men have in relation to how you feel about yourself overall. We generally look to outer forms of validation and relationships when things aren't quite right within. 

 

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51 minutes ago, Milasia said:

I had the nerve to tell my bf that I was going to go to the beach w my homegirl, but really I went down there to see Mike

You're going to regret this in the future. 

From all relationships, it will start to die out in the future, but not end. 

From what I'm reading, you're in the wrong here. Sure it's okay to have a guy-friend but not telling your boyfriend about him? And not telling Mike you have a boyfriend already? 

Communication is KEY in a relationship. You did not communicate with both of them. You made him lose his trust in you. I feel like your boyfriend deserves better.

Besides, I wouldn't be with someone who has a criminal record on hand. And in jail for 8 years too! He would have done Class B-C felonies in order to get jail time that long (Range is from 5 years to 10). I wouldn't feel safe around him. You haven't seen Mike for 10 years like you stated. All you did was talk online, how do you know if he changed over the 10 years? He may not be completely honest. Anyone can lie. 

If you were to be honest with both of them, Mike would have understood if you said you had a boyfriend. And I'm sure your man would be okay with you and Mike as long as you two don't get super close. 

What you did wasn't okay, for yourself and your boyfriend and Mike. All three of you are damaged from your actions.

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26 minutes ago, Milasia said:

My man knows of mike because of letters, cards, and pictures being delivered to my house periodically over the last couple years. I have always down played it and my man has always let it slide.

Your boyfriend let it slide because you and Mike were friends. You didn't tell your boyfriend everything, hence why his trust in you is gone. If you were to tell him, then he would try his best to understand.

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18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I disagree you need these two at all. Your current relationship is unfulfilling and it sounds like your partner is not exactly present in mind or soul with you. 

Mike is just a pawn or tool being used because you're unhappy in your current relationship. I'm sorry to say that. 

I'm not sure if this makes you feel important or loved but I would take a closer look at what the attentions of either of these men have in relation to how you feel about yourself overall. We generally look to outer forms of validation and relationships when things aren't quite right within. 

 

My current relationship is deep though. 
He is very close with my family. We have been through a lot as a family over the last 12 years. We are small business owners. We  evolved into real estate investors. We are each other’s right hand. We have literally grown up together. I’m definitely the alpha of the relationship, and that gets played out. He always relies on me to peruse him sexually. He doesn’t compliment me. We don’t kiss. I like feeling wanted too. 
 

Mike sounds like just a tool, but he’s more than that. The way he makes me feel with just words is unbelievable. I believe his intentions are true. He did just do a long prison bid that will set him back, but he’s already on the right track to getting his life in order. Mike comes from a good family and we have similar values. He’s from the south and a true gentleman. It’s the little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness for me! 
 

so financially, I am dependent on my relationship. We just signed a lease in the city that Mike lives in that is our vacation home. It was my man’s idea to rent there! He probably thought Mike was still in prison. The extra crazy part is, I had the nerve to bring Mike to our vacation home! Play house there w him for the weekend. I already know I’m trifling and my man is not ever going to get past this. Crazy part is.... he wants to make it work!!!! 

 

Like this truly makes me feel bad, because it baffles me that someone could love you that much. No matter what you do to them, they will always try to fix it and make it work. That must be true love or he’s completely out of his ***ing mind. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I realize I am truly blessed and I am ashamed of my actions. 

 

 

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14 minutes ago, hoshi said:

Your boyfriend let it slide because you and Mike were friends. You didn't tell your boyfriend everything, hence why his trust in you is gone. If you were to tell him, then he would try his best to understand.

You’re right, I have been deceitful. 

words don’t lie though and he read words w his own eyes that betrayed a lot more than just friendship 
 

 

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41 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Your relationship boundaries and ethics suck. If you wouldn't have wanted your man to be writing an old fling for 8 years and not even telling her he had a longterm gf, then why would you think this was okay? If you have no plans to end your "friendship" and seek couples counseling, let your man go so he can find himself a decent woman with ethics. He will realize later what a big favor you did, by releasing him from financing your lifestyle while you pour your energy and time into another man. You deserve to live in a cardboard box with your criminal, so hop in the car. Do what's right for once and release a man who deserves better.

Sheeeeesh. 
I felt this. It’s the honesty for me!
 

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3 hours ago, Milasia said:

. Mike makes me feel good about myself, super loved and special. My current relationship is obviously a lot more financially stable, and from a ‘life partner’ aspect def the more dependable of the two. I worry that the love and excitement I feel for Mike will fade in time, like most relationships do.

Ohh boy 😕 

Yeah, you took a risky move- because you've felt out of it with your present relationship... So, of course Mike made things so much better.... BUT...

I doubt this 'financially stable' thing is going to make much of a difference for you at this time.

First off, I think you should sit down & have a heart to heart with your BF.. and have him see that for you, things have faded long ago -- that maybe, you do love him, but not in love w/ him?

That, yes, you did this and are sorry for hurting him... but, this relationship has ended.. ( otherwise, I doubt you would have done this).

I'm sure you will eventually tell Mike about this...

And is your choice if you want to persue this with him - out of at least curiosity.  Either way, expect it all to be messy.

- You know you are far from over your BF.  You hardly know what Mike is really like in a 'relationship'- Plus, he's just out of the Hell hole :/.  How great is this?  Let me add, that the person you knew way back when - over 10 yrs ago, will not be the person you've met up with recently...

 

I suggest you get out of this with the bf.. knowing he's flipping out.. Get out & get your own place, room w/ a friend or something.. 

And just work on YOU... and for a good while, to sort thru allll of this stuff going on inside of you. - The last thing you need is a 'rebound' relationship.

Talk to Mike, if you want.. not gonna matter now.  And consider leaving it at that.

No expectations, especially with the fact of his past and your own.  

Just let things lie as they are... be apart from both.

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I would take a closer look at what the attentions of either of these men have in relation to how you feel about yourself overall. We generally look to outer forms of validation and relationships when things aren't quite right within.

Agree.

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  • kamurj changed the title to In love with 2 men

Sorry this is happening. You need to move out and stop coasting along for security.

After 12 years and zero progress, your relationship is dead.

How do you know Mike? Men who just got out of prison need a lot of help so they prey on lonely desperate women like you, to grease the way.

So. You're not in love with 2 men. You're using one as a security blanket and the other is only buttering you up as a means to an end.

It would be best to get your head out of the sand about this. Your boring relationship has led you to create this romance novel in your mind.

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6 hours ago, Milasia said:

My current relationship is deep though. 
He is very close with my family. We have been through a lot as a family over the last 12 years. We are small business owners. We  evolved into real estate investors. We are each other’s right hand. We have literally grown up together. I’m definitely the alpha of the relationship, and that gets played out. He always relies on me to peruse him sexually. He doesn’t compliment me. We don’t kiss. I like feeling wanted too. 
 

Mike sounds like just a tool, but he’s more than that. The way he makes me feel with just words is unbelievable. I believe his intentions are true. He did just do a long prison bid that will set him back, but he’s already on the right track to getting his life in order. Mike comes from a good family and we have similar values. He’s from the south and a true gentleman. It’s the little acts of kindness and thoughtfulness for me! 
 

so financially, I am dependent on my relationship. We just signed a lease in the city that Mike lives in that is our vacation home. It was my man’s idea to rent there! He probably thought Mike was still in prison. The extra crazy part is, I had the nerve to bring Mike to our vacation home! Play house there w him for the weekend. I already know I’m trifling and my man is not ever going to get past this. Crazy part is.... he wants to make it work!!!! 

 

Like this truly makes me feel bad, because it baffles me that someone could love you that much. No matter what you do to them, they will always try to fix it and make it work. That must be true love or he’s completely out of his ***ing mind. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I realize I am truly blessed and I am ashamed of my actions. 

 

 

He may be in shock or denial. It's probably not true love. You're abusing that trust. The kind of pain that comes from shock or broken trust is not easy to overcome and it may take him years or never. You're hurting your partner but am not sure why. I do know in long term relationships, individuals learn to depend on each other. Your inter-dependence might be preventing you from seeing a real future with either of them and that's why you choose both. 

I don't think it's wrong to love more than one person (I can't do it but I don't think it's wrong). What I do think is damaging and hurtful is deceiving anyone or causing someone else pain. Some time ago when I was in my 20s I was in a long term relationship with someone and we were on/off. We broke up at least once inbetween and I met someone else. I was very confused for about six months because I went back to my ex-boyfriend. I realized neither of them cared about me at all. One wanted to control me and the other one wanted to use me physically. What I felt was a dependence on both of them to help me feel loved but I knew deep down I wasn't loved at all, not by either of them. 

I think clarity will only come if you spend some time on your own. You don't have to end your relationship right now but think carefully about where you want to go and how you see yourself past today or this weekend or the next weekend at your vacation home. I think we reap what we sow. What we do, how we act it all adds up over time. Mistakes here and there are fine but over time the same repeated actions make us who we are. 

 

 

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I think you're making a very big mistake. Even if you don't want your boyfriend anymore, you want a guy who did eight years in jail? He would have had to commit some serious crimes to serve that much time. What you're saying about him is really contradictictory. You say he's  really good man with good values. How is that? A good person with good values would not have committed crime that put them in jail for eight years. I think your standards are very low. Just mind boggling really how you drive four hours and abandon your partner of twelve years for a criminal.

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What did Mike do to get such a long prison sentence? Manslaughter? Armed Robbery? Drug trafficking?

And what did your boyfriend do to deserve such horrible treatment from you? Something as bad as what Mike did?

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You have been cheating on your bf for years.   Terrible.  It is even worse that it is with a felon.  If he was in for 8 years, it must have been serious.   

Your bf deserves a much better woman.  I say, choose the criminal, you are right for one another.  

Edited by Hollyj
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I'm sorry @Milasia but if I was your boyfriend to me you made your decision when you told him you would not break off all contact with Mike. How could you possibly expect your bf to allow you to continue you have any contact with a guy that you lied to him about for 8+ years when you said you were just friends then you lied to go see him knowing full well in your heart you were going there to have sex with Mike when you went there. How could you with a straight face think or even ask your bf to stay with you while allowing you to still talk and see Mike.

Edited by HappilyMarried1
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Leave your boyfriend, he deserves better then you. After all this time together you do this to him. 
 

Your just a cheater looking for sympathy. 

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